Who is right? My husband won't help with our child...?

Question

My husband works and I stay home with our 1 1/2 year old child. My husband works a late shift (2-10pm). I get up early when the baby wakes up. He stays up till 4 am playing video games. He rarely sees his kid, because he sleeps in till has to go to work, and when he gets home I'm tired and want a break, but he just goes straight to his games. I clean, cook, take care of the baby, do laundry, bills, taxes, change the oil in the car, etc. He works an 8 hour day, and I feel like I work a 24hour day.

I've suggested we take turn getting up with the baby, but he said he needs his sleep because he works all day....

So my question is, do you think it's fair that he won't help me? He says it's my job to take care of the baby, clean, etc. since he works a "real" job. Who is right? I feel like I'm a single parent sometimes....

Answer 1

If you don't get this pattern changed, you will end up a bitter and likey divorced mother.  If he isn't able to understand how his behavior negatively impacts his family, then you may need to suggest some family counseling.  He may just be an "old fashioned" guy who thinks that the house and baby is the total responsiblity of the woman.  Or, he may just be a lazy prick who won't share in the chores of a house and child.  Something needs to change or you will be miserable.  You might even need to resort to an ultimatum if he won't change on his own and refuses counseling.  You might try not giving him s*x for awhile, and when he asks why you tell him that tending to the house and baby just tires you right out.....and that maybe if he helped a little you would have more energy for s*x.  That might do the trick.  

Answer 2

Every couple works out their share differently.  My feeling is that they come to an agreement or compromise of some sort.  I would not like your current arrangement but know people it works for.  It is sad he is missing out on interacting and bonding with his kid.  Most of the dads I know that are involved with their kids are happier and so are the kids.  And if he sleeps all day because he plays videos by himself neither of you is getting much out of being a couple.  I feel for you sweetie.  You may have to take a stand and just say his answer is not acceptable and insist on something that works better for you all.  I wish you serenity

Answer 3

Wow this sounds almost exactlly like what I'm going threw. My husband has an addiction to his computer he works nights and We just moved. I also don't know anyone in the city we live in except his mother and you don't always want to be around her. The difference is our child is 3 weeks old. I suggest you talk to him about your issues and maybe he will see the light It's not easy to be a parent and sometimes husbands seem like another child. I hope your relationship gets better than mine did as I'm in the process of leaving Try suggesting counciling if things get to rough and look for a parenting group to try and meet others it does help in the long run.  

Answer 4

Well that doesn't seem fair. When do you get your break? I work a lot of swing shifts too and I have plenty of time in the morning to get done what I need to. He needs to go to bed around midnight so he can get up in the morning to help with the kid so you can have a break yourself. Just because you're the woman doesn't mean you have to have all the responsibility of the child. When he comes home from work his second job starts, Dad

Answer 5

No!! He should help out with the baby,you did not make the baby by yourself did you? I was going though the same thing with my 8 month old father,but I fixed it,I went to work around his hours. When he was home I was at work,so he had to watch the baby.Plus if he can play th e games all the time he can play with the baby.

Answer 6

That's completely ridiculous when he said that it's your job to take care of the baby..it's his kid too so he needs to step up and take of it! Though he has a job that makes money, you have the harder job of running the house and taking care of your kid! Tell him to shape up or you'll leave. Get rid of the video games too and tell him that it's his own d**n fault that he doesnt get the sleep he needs!

Answer 7

All I can say is I do everything you mentioned and I have 4 kids.  I also work a 40+ hour job.  I make a very, very good income.  My husband works 48 hours a week and makes the same as me.  He does nothing and I do everything.  I use to b**** and complain and argue all the time.  Guess what?  It didn't do any good.  I have just realized that men are lazy creatures and they are mostly the same.  Occasionally there is a good man that will actually help out but for the most part they are just big kids.  It definitely sounds like that is what you have.  But with all that being said, if all I had to do was stay home and be mom I would have no problem doing everything else.  You have no idea how fortunate you are.  My days start at 3:30am when my alarm goes off and I am lucky to get to bed by 11:00pm.  Right now I am just taking a few minute break.  I need to do the dinner dishes, change the laundry, put the baby to bed, keep my other kids from fighting which they are doing right now, write out the bills, take a shower and go to bed.  Luckily tomorrow is my day off so I will sleep in (6:00-6:30am).  Get up, make breakfast, clean the mess, get kids dressed, go to post office, get groceries that I will have to carry in and put away, more laundry of course and by that time put the dishes away, make lunch and do dishes, take boys to football (4th grade), pick up 2 of their friends to spend the night, go home make snacks for kids and probably make homemade pizza, clean some more, play with baby and daughter, give baby a bath, put him to bed, probably break up numerous fights and if I'm lucky get to bed around 11:00pm again.  Monday - Friday I do all this plus dance class for daughter and work from 5am-3:30pm come home and do it all over again.  So, honey I'm sorry that I can't understand why a stay at home mom would need a break.  I have limited amount of time to do everything you do.  If you want a nap, you can take one when the baby does.  If you don't do laundry one day you can do it the next.  I think it sucks that your husband doesn't help but I gaurantee you there are lots of women in my situation that would give anything if all we had to do is "the other stuff"!  I have to say that you need to realize how fortunate you are and enjoy your role as housewife and mother.  A lot of women would give anything to be in your situation.  Hope this eye opener helped!  

Answer 8

just  tell  him

Answer 9

My brother and his wife were in the same exact situation. He was actually playing those online role playing games and chatting with another woman. To make a long story short, they got a divorce.

So, before it comes to that... Go seek marriage counseling!!! It's really immature to be up all night playing video games and not want to take care of your baby. If it's really not working out then get a divorce. Seriously, you and your baby shouldn't have to put up with that.

*Hey, just to put it out there...If you need someone to vent to, you can e-mail me. I really feel for your situation having a similar situation in my family. Good Luck.

Answer 10

You need to inform him that cleaning and taking care of a home and child and even changing oil in the car is a fulltime job. 24 hrs a dy.  He aonly works 8 and still has free time to play his games.  He needs to mature alot.  If he refuses to help I would just walk out one day while he is there and leave baby and let him take care of the baby.  Let him see what a job it is.  You could also leave him a to-do-list.  Tell him you need some free time too .  If he totally refuses I would talk about divorce cause he if not contributing to helping you.  I know that is harsh but lets face reality.  Here is another idea.  Tell him you need a baby sitter at least 2 dys a wk to have some free time like he has playing games and catch up on your much needed rest.   He needs to grow up and put the games down!!!!!!!

Answer 11

I wouldn't worry about it.  YOU WILL BE OK

Answer 12

He should help out with the baby.    My dh worked nights when our daughter was born and he would do the 2 am feeding when he got home from work.  You could change the baby's schedule so that you are up when he is up and so is the baby. Let the baby stay up till midnight so your dh sees him/her.  You could just take off without the baby on the weekend so you have time to yourself.  I used to go out with friends during the day on the weekend when he was home to watch her.

Answer 13

1 both of you guys made that child so both of you have to take care of him/her. he needs to stop playing video games all day and spend some time with his child. that child needs both of you not just one parent. he needs to step up and be a man about the situation. if he can stay up and play game until 4 in the morning he can definitely spend time with his child. if he doesnt change i suggest you find someone else who can actually have a part in that childs life...good luck

Answer 14

Life is rarely fair, frankly.

What you are encountering reminds me of the importance of addressing certain things before marriage.  This is not to say that your hubby (-to-be) might not change his "stance" as to his position on his participating in taking care of his children, but at least you would have more of a sense as to whether the two of you are in the same ballpark.

My vote is for you to leave the baby with hubby; and go away for a week or two; and let him see what it is like to be a dad in every sense of the word.