Who is the mom the birthmother or the mother who raised you

Question

I was adopted and i was wondering who you consider the mom.

Answer 1

My mother/mom/mommy is the wonderful woman who was there for me through ups and downs, through laughter and tears.  She is my mom.    I may not of spent 9 months with her, but I spent the rest of my life to date and she is the one who earned the honor to be called mother/mom/mommy.

Answer 2

I think that is an answer that should be answered on an individual basis.  It's what is in YOUR heart that matters.  Some people feel deeply that both are their mom and that should be respected.  However, there are just as many people who feel they only have one mom (regardless of which one that is) and that should also be respected.

You can't force feelings, either on someone else, or even for yourself.  If you feel that both women earned your respect to call them mom, then call both of them mom.  If you feel only one of them earned your respect to be called mom, then only call her mom.  If neither have earned that feeling in you, then don't call either of them mom.  Most of all, don't let anyone else dictate to you what you really feel and what you wish to call either one of them.

Answer 3

No one can answer that "correctly" except you.  Who do YOU consider to be your mom?

In reality, they are both your mom.  One gave birth to you, shares your genetics, your heritage, and carried you inside her for nine months (and as an egg since the day her eggs were created).  The other raised you, kissed your booboos, and drove you to soccer practice.  Does the role of either need to be "less than"?  They are both your mom's, and you're not betraying either of them by saying that.

Answer 4

The person who raised you.  Anyone can have kids.  It's being there for them, feeding them, teaching what's right from wrong, clothing, taking care of when sick, etc..  I am a parent of 2 and I must say, this is the hardest job I have ever had to do in my life.  If your birthmother gave you away, for whatever reason, I personally think she simply washed her hands. Unless, it was a life threataning situation. Your mom is the one who stood by your side in good and bad times.  

Answer 5

Looking at the thumbs up and thumbs down, I see this is a controversial topic.

My own opinion is that the answer varied and is personal.

For some of us, both mothers feel like mom.  In such cases, we want a good relationship with both mothers.  We just have to have different "mom" names to use to talk to them to avoid confusion.

For some of us, the birth mom is not considered to be our mom.  This happens if we feel rejected by the way we were given up for adoption.

For some of us, the birth mom is considered to be mom and we have trouble bonding fully with the adoptive mother.

So it varies from one of us to the next ...  There's no single answer.

It's good you have always known you were adopted.  

It sounds like something is worrying you about the contact from your birth mother via MySpace that you didn't feel free to mention.

cw

Answer 6

The one who raised me.  The birth mother is just that.  A BIRTH mother. :)  I'm grateful to her for my life, but my mother is the one who loves me and cares for me on a daily basis.

Just a guess, but I'm thinking to those of you who are giving a THUMBS DOWN, don't really know what it's like to be adopted, so quit judging people.

Answer 7

i have 2 moms.

Answer 8

Why does there have to be just one?

Why does it always have to be a bleeding contest.

The second set of people that adopted me kicked me out when they found out my sexuality, said I needed to be exorcised, and was the spawn of satan. The 'mother' said i wasn't to see my sister again, because I might 'infect' her with my demons.

My mother gave birth to me, carried me for 9 months, took me home and then died.

Who's the mother there?

There's no need to have all this competition, all this wrangling.

If a mother can love more than one child, why can't a child love more than one mother?  

Answer 9

Heck this one is even confusing for baby Jesus.

Who's your babies momma, GOD.

AAhh the holy spirit.

They both are, no matter what one or the other likes or has to "pretend".  

Answer 10

the mother that raises you is the mom. because a mom a someone who helps you through tough times, who takes care of you when your sick, and so on, not someone who just gives birth to you and never does a motherly act. I have a step father who i met when i was about 5 and i consider him my dad seeing how my biological father walked out when i was 2. My stepdad has been there through everything and i love him more then anything. so appreciate your mom because she might not have given birth you but shes been with you and helped you become who you are today. I hope this helped  

Answer 11

Why is it an "either, or"?  

I have two moms.  I love them both.  They both love me.  

Who your mom (or moms) is (are), depends on how you feel about it, not what we all say.

Answer 12

The Mama is the woman who raised you. Getting knocked up is easy - pulling all nighters, going to the hospital at 3 am, making halloween costumes - that is the real stuff of motherhood. Which do you consider? do you know your birth mother? I would dbe interseted to hear about it - if you feel comfortable talking about it.

Answer 13

It IS okay to have two.

Answer 14

Adoptive mom here, and I think that adoption reform would gain greater ground along with relationships between all the members of the adoption traid, if this incessant thirst for competition would just END!!

A mother is a mother is a mother, whether she gave birth and relinquished or adopted.

I think this pissing contest often occurs because deep down some mothers (whether they gave birth or adopted) simply don't feel like a mother or don't feel validated as one... and that hurts.

All mothers are real.

Answer 15

My mom, mother, mamma, Mother...has always been the woman who raised me.  

Answer 16

I would say the woman who raised you is your mother, but it is ok to honor the woman who gave birth to you as "mother" too as long as everyone is ok with that. A birth mothe gave you "life" whereas your adoptive mother gave you "a life", if that make any sense...so both are important.

I am a birth mother and was recently contacted by the person whom I placed for adoption 22 years ago. I was surprised and happy about this, but I made sure to refer to his adopted mother as his "mother" rather than calling myself his "mother".  I feel that's not really my place, and that such a choice should be left up to him to decide to call me that or not and if it's ok with his adopted mother.

Answer 17

I would say your adopted mother would be considered mom to me for the simple fact that she was there for ALL your firsts,and she made sure you were fed and taken care of,etc...

Answer 18

What does your heart tell you?

You will get different answers depending on people's views.  Looking at the votes, it seems 'more popular' to say both, while several other adopted persons have said 'the person who raised them'.   Don't go with people's votes on this one.  Every situation is different.

And why do you feel the pressure to choose?   Have you spoken with your adopted mom about her feelings and your feelings about this? Obviously she decided to tell you that you were adopted.  So even if she might feel a bit threaten thinking that you might love her less, she might actually not be opposed to you having a relationship with your birthmother.

(Are you sure this woman is your birthmother?)

Answer 19

I think a mother is the one that carried you for your mom would be the one that raised you as it is easy to be a mother but it takes a special one to be a mom

but as it also depends on the thing that goes between what would cause your mother to give you up as sometimes moms don't get much of a choice..

but it is hard to deciede as i think a mother is the one that gave you life and a mom is who raised you and take care of you

but if my birth mother was to come back into my life and explain why she gave me up i would thank her for my life as she thought my other family could do a better job at her and would have no hard feeling unless my child hood sucked as it could have been different if it was a different way  

Answer 20

i'm not adopted but i would consider mom the woman who raised me

the birthmother could be considered mom if she gave u up for a good reason(no money to give u ur needs and such)

Answer 21

The woman who raised you is considered your mom.

Answer 22

Islam teaches us, that the woman who carried you in her womb for 9 months, and gave birth to you is your real and biological mother. Your "foster" mother can never replace your REAL mother.  You have a responsibility to honor your birth mother, and take care of her when she is old.  

"...Nor has He made your adopted sons your (biological) sons.  Such is (only) your (manner of) speech by your mouths.  But Allah tells (you) the Truth, and He shows the (right) Way.  Call them by (the names of) their fathers; that is juster in the sight of Allah.  But if you know not their father's (names, call them) your brothers in faith, or your trustees.  But there is no blame on you if you make a mistake therein.  (What counts is) the intention of your hearts.  And Allah is Oft-Returning, Most Merciful."

(Qur'an 33:4-5)

Islam's stance on adoption rests on the necessity of keeping the biological parents of the child always in picture. Keeping the original name of the child, and letting him know who are his real parents are some of the conditions stipulated by the Shari`ah when legalizing fostering. The reasons are; in Islam, children have automatic rights to inheritance, they can not marry their Mahrams (unmarriageable persons) and they can marry from their foster family if no suckling took place. The issue of hijab in the house is also given due regard between the non-related sisters and brothers, etc. All these rules have to be taken into consideration in this case.

(You are permissable to your adopted father for marriage, just as an adopted boy is permissable to his adopted mother, or the bio, or adopted daughters of his adopted parents. You are permissable to your adopted parent's sons, in marriage.   This is because you are not blood related and there is no connection between you and them).

Adoption is widely practiced in many non-Muslim western societies. Babies are taken from their parents and named after those adopting them. The children grow up having no idea who their real parents are. In a mobile society like the U.S.A. for example, an adopted boy may end up marrying his sister from his original parents without knowing that she is his sister. These cases have actually happened.   Adoption in non-Muslim societies is practiced for many reasons. Non-Muslim societies have many illegitimate babies as a result of extramarital sexual relationships. Very young mothers of these babies do not keep them because they cannot support them and devote time to raising them. So these young women give the children to other parents who have no children, or abandon them in the streets where people can pick them up. Worse than that, some of these babies are killed, put in trash bags, and then thrown in garbage cans.

In other cases, these children are sold to parents who cannot have children. Another reason for adoption in these non-Muslim societies is that many women do not like or want to get pregnant, for fear of ruining their beauty.

Answer 23

the person who raised you  

Answer 24

The person who raised you.  

Answer 25

I consider my adoptive mother my mom, because she is the only mother I know and she is an awesome mom.  But should I ever meet her, there is room in my heart for my natural mom too.  

Answer 26

both

Have to add that if anyone could have kids no one would need to adopt. Its not easy. Its not simple. Its not safe. It is insulting to all women to imply otherwise

Answer 27

Both. They each have equally important jobs in your life.

Answer 28

well your birth mother is your real mother

but the woman who raised you is a better to be called your mother because she is the one that was there for you no matter what

Answer 29

1)  both of them are mothers to you. losing you to adoption did not end your natural mother's love for you. she loves you are strongly as she loves any of the rest of her children.

2)  taken home within 24 hours? your natural mother never got a choice about adoption as she was not allowed to recover from birth first which is necessary before making an informed decision.  it takes at least a week if not up to 6 for recovery.  she did not "give you away" or reject you -- she likely was never given a chance.

3)  I was not able to raise my son either as he was stolen from me (via coercion) for adoption at birth, but he still calls me "Mom" and calls the woman who adopted him "Karen."  

4) the relationship you have with your natural mother is up to the two of you to create and decide upon, as equal adults.  you may choose to have a friendship to begin with, a mother-daughter relationship, or no contact at all.  often friendships begin and evolve into full family relationships once people get to know each other again.

5) don't be surprised if you feel you recognize her voice etc. when you meet her or talk to  her.   bonding happens for 9 months in the womb.   newborns are smarter than people give them credit for and recognize their mothers at birth.  

Answer 30

The wonderful women that raised you!!!