Who is up for another SSO?

Question

Gun Shy Kisses-(+)-

#1

Curt glance through her lens

a sardonic smirk and puff

smoke rising from her breath

and a quick glance back down at ‘People’

My hands tremble as I walk

through the mellow coffee shop

my gun pressed against my… chest

‘Why did I wear the leather strap?’

My scheduled ‘meet’ with highborn Jerks

was set for half an hour ago

I had never been know for promptness

today could be no different

‘Who do they want me to kill this week?’

-I know it is a little soon after ‘Trial of Sight’ but… if all you guys are up for it, I want to make this one into another series… What are your thoughts on this poem and the idea of another Siren Soap Opera?

Blessed Be in Coffee and People Magazine, Siren

Answer 1

Lines 1-4 are in the third person and then you switch. I don't know if this is purposeful or carelessness, but it confused me, since my intellectual capacity is severely limited. I notice that you've done something about the use of capital letters. If the line begins a sentence, you use the capital, but leave it if the line continues the sentence. Although that is a break with an older poetic convention, it makes good sense. Also you've avoided the capricious and confusing practice of randomly capitalizing other words. And so I'll cap it all off by awarding you two huzzahs and a bravo.

And now to the story. It has the makings of a great movie script, very much in the ethos of 1940's film noir. I am eager to read the next episode. The creators of film noir did not have a lot of money to spend, so they substituted something else for it - talent. You've got plenty of that.

This first part establishes the identity, characteristics, and style of the protagonist. If you want to keep us hanging for just a little, you might want to establish the time and/or setting before you get to the action. You've got me hooked already. I'll even pay for the popcorn.

Answer 2

What can I say, I am always up for a poetic series by you.  This one is quite different and holds a tremendous promise of excitement to come, there is so much latent action.  An assassin is our protagonist in this one...yet I am absolutely sure we will champion her cause before too long.  Wonderful start.  Thank you.

Answer 3

So you've started another series for us all to be addicted to? Wonder where this is going? So, what kind of gun does our wonderful assassin carry. Is it a ten millimeter, semi-automatic, a basic nine-millimeter. Or something smaller, with a very hard to trace bullet, a twenty-two caliber, with bullets that will ping around inside the body and cause tremendous internal injury, if they hit just right. Is it a shoulder holster, or a belt holster? Sorry, I know I'm a little gun crazy, but I'm very happy to see a new series by you. Keep writing, I think I'm already hooked, especially to see it in modern day.

Answer 4

Very nice, dramatic, and wonder if there will be a twist!  Just wondering do you have the next one all planned out ?  Enjoyed it! Cheers!!

Answer 5

Hello Siren,

I just read the first four installments and I'm coming back to comment. I wonder on one level if you'd like to make this a short story rather than a poem--just a thought--that said, I have friends that write some pieces that blur the ground between the forms.

You said in another thread to "bash it to bits" I hope what I say doesn't come across that way, but I will give you feedback that hopefully will help you tighten it up a bit (that said, it is only my opinion and fundamentally it is still your piece so don't just assume that what your doing is wrong or worse than my opinion--I could be easily wrong). Okay here goes. I apologize for this but it will be easier for me to edit the piece and than explain (normally I don't like doing line comments in this forum):

Curt glance, sardonic smirk,

smoke rising from her breath

a quick glance down at ‘People’

These lines seemed like a character shot. To make it less like prose. I think you can cut some of your connecting words. I wasn't sure what Lens bought you here.

Hands tremble as I walk

through the mellow coffee shop

gun pressed against my… chest

‘Why did I wear the leather strap?’

Very little change there mostly killed the "My's"

Scheduled to ‘meet’ with highborn Jerks

set half an hour ago

I had never been known for promptness

today would be no different

‘Who do they want me to kill this week?’

Again took out some "My's". Condensed some words. Changed could to would.

This segment is interesting. It's a good character shot. I like where it's going--that's all I have for #1.

Answer 6

ya this is pretty cool suspense.

theres going to be some action!

the peoples magazine is a clue its near the present time

or at least not to far back, and

the coffee shop meeting and the blastisimo leather strapped

to the hitman is a dangerous combination.

im awake!