Who knows any really good jokes?

Question

nothing rude

Answer 1

Its just been on the news that a shipment of viagra has been hijacked!!!

Police are on the lookout for four hardened criminals!

Answer 2

joke 1:

The head pharmacist goes out to lunch leaving the assistant pharmacist in

charge.When the head pharmacist returns from lunch he notices a man leaning

against the wall.He asked the assistant what was wrong with the man leaning

against the wall over there.The assistant pharmacist says,"Oh that guy.Oh yeah

he came in a little while ago with a really bad cough so I sold him a laxative.He

seems to be doing ok now..... I guess." The head pharmacist says,"Are you crazy??

You can't sell a laxative to someone who has a bad cough like that!?"

The assistant pharmacist says "Well why not?? Look at him over there!

Its working! He's too scared to cough now!!....."

joke 2:

A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the

pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some

discussion, he finally bought a centipede (a 100-legged bug) that came in a little white box which served as the bug's house.

He took his purchase home, found a good location for the box, and decided he

would start off by taking his new pet to church with him. So he asked the

centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to church with me today? We will

have a good time." But there was no answer from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again,

"How about going to church with me and receive blessings?" But again, there was

no answer from his new friend and pet.

So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask

him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house

and shouting, "HEY IN THERE! WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO TO CHURCH WITH ME AND LEARN

ABOUT THE LORD?"

And a little voice came out of the box.........

"I heard you the first time.......I'm putting my shoes on!"

joke 3:

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal

king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step

of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit.

So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king

then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt

without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was

killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained

the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8...

and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked,

"Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied,

"i couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with watermelons."

This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: Greg Bulmash

s*x: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb s**y blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.

This was an actual job application to work at McDonald's.

Answer 3

Knock knock

Who's there?

Huch

Huch who

Bless you!

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Spell

Spell who

W......H.......O

Answer 4

THE THREE NUNS



THREE NUNS WERE ATTENDING A CUBS BASEBALL GAME..

THREE MEN WERE SITTING DIRECTLY BEHIND..

BECAUSE THEIR HABITS WERE PARTIALLY BLOCKING THE VIEW, THE MEN DECIDED TO BADGER THE NUNS HOPING THAT THEY'D GET ANNOYED ENOUGH TO MOVE TO ANOTHER AREA..

IN A VERY LOUD VOICE, THE FIRST GUY SAID, "I THINK I'M GOING TO MOVE TO UTAH.. THERE ARE ONLY 100 NUNS LIVING THERE.."

THEN THE SECOND GUY SPOKE UP AND SAID, "I WANT TO GO TO MONTANA.. THERE ARE ONLY 5O NUNS LIVING THERE.."

THE THIRD GUY SAID, "I WANT TO GO TO IDAHO.. THERE ARE ONLY 25 NUNS LIVING THERE.."

ONE OF THE NUNS TURNED AROUND, LOOKED AT THE MEN, AND IN A VERY SWEET AND CALM VOICE SAID,

"WHY DON'T YOU GO TO h**l .. THERE AREN'T ANY NUNS THERE!"

Answer 5

Little Johnny...........................

Little Johnny said to his Aunt Tess, "My God, you're ugly, aren't you!"

His mother overheard this and pulled Johnny into the kitchen.

"You naughty boy!" she screamed, "How can you say to your aunt that she's ugly! You go right in and apologize to her! Tell her you're sorry!"

Little Johnny entered the living room, walked over to his aunt and said, "Aunt Tess, I am sorry you're so ugly."

Answer 6

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