Who knows some good jokes that can make me laugh my pants off? (the longer the better!)

Question

Bush goes to a 5th grade class and asks what will be a great disaster?

Now Bush calls on Billy and he replies "if my dog gets run over by a car, that will be a great disaster. Bush replies"no, that will be called an accident." Next Bush calls on Susie," if our whole class were on the bus and the buss driver drove us over a cliff, that would be called a great disaster." Bush replies"no, that will be called a great loss. If Ms.Bush and I were on a plane and we were blown into pieces, that would be called a great loss. Do you know why?" Little John replies,"because it wouln't be an accident or a great loss!"

Answer 1

A politician past away and went to the gates of Heaven and met St. Peter. St. Peter said, "we don't get too many politicians up here, I have to go check with the Big guy to see how we are to handle your case". St. Peter leaves the politician at the gate and goes to check with his boss. He comes back and tells the politician that the man said that "he would have to go spend 1 day in h**l, then come back up and spend 1 day in Heaven. Then he would have to decide where he wants to spend eternity". so St. Peter takes him to the elevator and takes him to h**l. When the doors open, he sees a huge banquet table spread with anything he could want to eat...lobster, bbq ribs, steaks, caviar, cheese cakes, sundaes...what ever he wanted was there. There were beautiful ladies there to serve him. After he ate until he was full, he was led to a beautifully landscaped 18 hole golf course where he played the best game of golf he had ever played, next he was taken to a  gorgeous lake stalked with fish, and he was able to catch a fish with every cast. At the end of the day, St. Peter came down and took him back up to heaven. The day he spent in heaven, was nice, but it didn't compare to the day he spent in h**l, so at the end of the day when St. Peter asked him where he wanted to spend eternity, he answered that he was sorry, but he enjoyed h**l a lot better than heaven. So St. Peter took him back to the elevator and sent him back to h**l. When the doors opened, he saw thousands of people buried up to their necks in burning coals, and he saw a hole dug with a sign with his name on it. Satan was standing there with a shovel waiting to fill in the hole with coals after the politician got into it. He asked Satan "what happened to the banquet table, gorgeous ladies, the golf course and the lake full of fish. Satan replied, "Yesterday, we were campaigning...today you have voted for us...get in the hole".

Answer 2

the "L" shaped hotel joke:

This dude had the best life, the perfect wife, perfect car, perfect house, perfect job, etc. One day, his boss comes up to him and says "if you go to this certain meeting in Boston, I'll give you a promotion. Just don't stay at the "L" shaped hotel or you'll get fired."

He thinks "Okay, whatever."

So he goes home and tells his wife about this she says " Oh thats great, just don't stay at the "L" shaped hotel or I'll divorce you."

The day of his flight, he gets to the airport and the stewardess notices hes going to Boston and tells him "Don't stay at the "L" shaped hotel." He gets onto the flight and during the flight he hears people saying "I'm glad I booked early and didn't have to go to the "L" shaped hotel." Once he gets to Boston, he starts looking for a hotel because he didn't book a room earlier on. He looks at every hotel, no rooms available. He finally goes to the "L" shaped hotel. He asks the person at the front desk "How much does it cost for a room here?"

The person says "11 dollars per night."

He thinks "Wow, thats an awesome deal." and he takes a room there. When he gets to his room, he finds this awesome suite. it has a huge plasma screen TV, its nice and big, etc. Its a totally fantastic room. He settles down for the night and has the best sleep of his entire life. The next day, he goes to the meeting. He sees his boss and goes over to talk to him.

His boss asks, "How was your sleep?"

The dude says, "Totally awesome!"

His boss asks, "Where did you sleep?"

The dude replys "at the "L" shaped hotel"

His boss says, "Go home, you are fired."

He gets a flight home and tells his wife what happened and that he stayed at the "L" shaped hotel. She divorces him.

The next day, he goes to see this psychic and asks "What is wrong with the "L" shaped hotel?"

The psychic says "Rent a boat and go to the middle of a lake and yell out 'What is wrong with the "L" shaped hotel?'... you will get your answer there."

He walks out of there, goes and rents a boat and goes the middle of a lake. He sits in his boat and yells out "What is wrong with the "L" shaped hotel?" He waits for a little bit, no answer. He trys again. "What is wrong with the "L" shaped hotel?" Again, no answer. So he stands up and yells "WHAT IS WRONG WITH THE "L" SHAPED HOTEL?" He trips, falls into the water and drowns.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Don't stand up in boats :)

Answer 3

Here's a prime example of why "Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus" offered by an English professor from the University of Phoenix: The professor told his class one day: "Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another copy to me. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story and send it back, also sending another copy to me. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back-and-forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is be absolutely NO talking outside of the e-mails and anything you wish to say must be written in the e-mail. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."

The following was actually turned in by two of his English students:

Rebecca and Larry.

THE STORY

(First paragraph by Rebecca) At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So Chamomile was out of the question.

(Second paragraph by Larry) Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

(Rebecca) He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he Felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law permanently abolishing war and space travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspaper to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.

(Larry) Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks that pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires that were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid, Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"

(Rebecca) This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.

(Larry) Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic, whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of valium. "Oh, shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F--ING TEA??? Oh, I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels that I simply can't decide. "

(Rebecca) A$$h**e

(Larry) B***h.

(Rebecca) F__ YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!

Answer 4

- My kind of woman

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail

with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely s**y middle-aman entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.

The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her (as all men will).

Before she could offer her apologies for so rudely staring, he leaned over and whispered to her, “I’ll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to .do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00……on one condition.” (There are always conditions)

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, “You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.”

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse,which she pressed into the man’s hand along with  her address.

  She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly, and meaningfully said…."Clean my house."

Answer 5

Two blonde girls walk into a department store. They walk up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle. Nancy sprays it on her wrist and smells it, ‘That's quite nice, don't you think, Kathy?’

Kathy takes a sniff and replies, ‘That is nice. What's it called?’

‘Viens a moi,’ replies Nancy.

‘Viens a moi? What the heck does that mean?’

At this stage the assistant offers some help. ‘Viens a moi, ladies, means 'come to me' in French.’

Nancy takes another sniff, then offers her arm to Kathy again, and remarks, ‘That doesn't smell like come to me. Does that smell like come to you?’

======================================...

An Irishman, a Mexican and a blond GUY were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blond opened his lunch and said, "Boloney again. If I get a boloney sandwich one more time I'm jumping too."

The next day, the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death.

The Mexican opens his lunch, sees a burrito and jumps too.

The blond opens his lunch, sees the boloney and jumps to his death also.

At the funeral The Irishman's wife is weeping. She says, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also weeps and says, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blond guy's wife. "Hey, don't look at me" she said. "He makes his own lunch!"

Answer 6

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the two teed-off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly toward four men playing the next hole.

Indeed, the ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She then explained that she was a physical therapist and offered to help ease his "pain".

"Please allow me to help, I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!", she told him earnestly.

"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright...I'll be fine in a few minutes", he replied as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

The woman takes it upon herself to begin to "ease his pain". She began to massage his groin.

After a few moments she asked, "Does that feel better?"

The man looked up at her and replied, "Yes, that feels pretty good...but my thumb still hurts like h**l!

Answer 7

Ok, though yahoo answers was never really enlightened here is one:  What did the guy in h**l who came from Hiroshima say?  A:  Woah, who turned on the air conditioner.

Here's another:  You wanna know the worst American heathcare plan?  Yeah, everyone's totally covered and mr. Kevorkian is the surgeon general.