Who knows some really jokes?? ?

Question

Can you tell me some of your funiest jokes ..nothing offencive though..

Answer 1

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

Answer 2

How do you kill a blonde's brain cells? You let it die alone...

How do you drown a blonde? You stick a mirror at the bottom of the pool...

How do you erase a blonde's memory? You blow in her ear

Answer 3

the coolest red wine..

from Greece..

bottled in Spain^^

or you can go to this site..

ahajokes.com

another one:

Doctor, "What seems to be the problem?"

Patient, "Doc, I've got the farts. I mean I f**t all the time,"

The Doctor nods, "Hmm."

Patient, "My farts do not stink and you can't hear them. It's just that I f**t all the time. Look, we've been talking here for about 10 minutes and I've farted five times. You didn't hear them and you don't smell them, do you?"

"Hmm," says the Doctor,

He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription.

The patient is thrilled "Great doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?"

"No," sighs the Doctor, "The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test."

Answer 4

A blond and two red heads are going to be executed by being shot. They all get one last word. The first red head yells "TORNADO!" everyone gets scared and runs away. The girl escapes. The second yells "HURRICANE" and escapes too. It is the blond's turn. She yells "FIRE!!!"

and

A blond and 2 brunettes are playing in their neighbors barn where they are not supposed to be. They hear the farmer coming, so the one brunette hides behind a cow, the other hides behind the pigs and the blond hides behind the potatoes. Ones brunette goes mooooo, moooooooo, to blend in with the cows, the other goes oink, oink to blend in with the pigs. The blond goes "potato, potato" to blend in with the potatoes.

and

A blond is in a field trying to row a boat. Another blond stops on the road and starts yelling at the one in the boat for being so stupid and she would come out there and save her, but she cant swim.

Answer 5

You should see me when I'm trying to hit a chick.. You'd laugh so hard that you'd probably destroy your laughing box...

Answer 6

.A man was walking home alone late one foggy night?

, when behind him he

hears:

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP...

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image

of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street

towards him.

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP...

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing

quickly behind him...

FASTER...

FASTER...

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP...

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes

in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes

through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping...

clappity-BUMP...

clappity-BUMP...

clappity-BUMP...

...on his heels.

The terrified man runs... Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man

locks himself in. His heart is pounding... his head is reeling... his

breath is coming in sobbing gasps. With a loud CRASH the casket breaks

down the door....

...bumping and clapping toward him.

The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find

is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the

casket...

and,

(hopefully you're ready for this!!!)

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The coffin stops.