Who should be deciding on the methods of discipline when your grandchild is in your care?

Question

This is just one question posed in a proposed "Grandparents Charter"

Others are -

Is it too hard to say "No"?

How often would you like to look after your grandchildren?

Should the government incentivise parents who use grandparents as childcare providers?

to which I would also like to have answers and the views of decent *parents*

I am *considering* taking care of my grandsons after school again once they go back but wish to set some guidelines first.

http://www.grannynet.co.uk/

I also would like to know if parents who use grandparents as care providers should pay the "going rate"?

Answer 1

You know, I think I might disagree with the others here.

I am a teacher and I don't have to check with parents about the discipline that I use at school.  I use whatever methods are best for the child and the class.  When the child is in your care, you should use your methods.  However, many parents have strong ideas about smacking, so I would sort out this issue first.

My mum looks after her grandchildren regularly, without pay, but she is happy to do this.  I don't think there should be an obligation to pay a grandparent to care for a child, but if the grandparent wants paying, then they have every right to suggest it.

as for the going rate - no.  Whilst I appreciate the experience that grandparents have, they are not trained childcare professionals, so should not receive a professional rate.

Having said all that, in your case, Joan, I would set VERY clear rules, agreed with your son and daughter in law beforehand, to avoid any more nasty spats.

Answer 2

Parents should decide upon discipline full stop (if my parents did to my child what they did to me, I'd have them prosecuted - nobody will ever smack my son!)

Should grandparents be paid? No, I don't think so, if they offer to provide care and can do so - great, if not, I'd rather use paid childcare.  

Answer 3

My Mother in law looks after our children on the rare occasions when we go out or when I have an appointment...she would never take any money....even looking after them full time. But I would never ask her to do that...they are my children not hers...so it is I who have the responsibility. As for discipline...that is for parents to decide. Nobody else...if my MIL did not do as Iasked then she would not be alione with my children.

Answer 4

The childcare provider (grandparent or otherwise) and the parents should jointly agree ahead of time on the methods of discipline that are appropriate.  If they can't agree, then it's not the right fit and the parents should find a different childcare provider.

If I were asking my parents to take care of my kids, I would offer them the going rate.  They would refuse.  I would offer some lower amount, which they would probably also refuse and start becoming insulted that I would consider paying them for taking care of their grandchildren.  I would then figure out some way to pay them without insulting them, perhaps giving them a "thank you" gift of a vacation somewhere or something like that, but I'd try to make it come out to a value that would be roughly equivalent to the going rate for babysitting.  

Answer 5

Hmm, ok...here are my answers.

First, I think the discipline methods that the parents choose should always be used, no matter who is caring for the child, relative or not.  

Now, I'm not a grandmother, but I don't find saying "no" too hard and neither does my mother or mother-in-law.

No, I don't think the gov't. should give incentives to use grandparents as childcare providers.  Isn't the gov't overly involved in everything already?

Last, but not least, no, I don't think grandparents should be paid the going rate for babysitting unless they have agreed to do that in place of some other job they would otherwise have.  If grandparents had to be paid just like any other sitter, why not just get a sitter?  I think it's great when grandparents can help out, but if they are doing it for the money...well, I would hope you get my point.

Answer 6

My husband's mother cares for our children while we work, so I have personal experience with this.

The parents should be in charge of the discipline methods used.  They should be able to trust the grandparent to abide by their decision, but there are 'nannycams' and other useful tools available.  My MIL and I have very different ideas on how to raise children, esp. young children - so I installed several of these basically so she knows I am serious.

I don't think the government should incentivise it - why would they?

The pay thing is going to be family dependent.  My MIL doesn't charge us at all.  It wouldn't make sense - her money is combined with mine and my husband's.

Answer 7

I think that ultimately it's down to the parents to choose methods of discipline. It's very hard to enforce something on a small child if it's not done consistently so they really should be treated the way they are in their own home.

I wouldn't expect to pay my children's grandparents anything to look after them and they would never dream of asking me for money, but at the same time I wouldn't want them to feel obliged to look after my children on a regular basis such as every day after school, it would be too much for them. If you want to do this it's entirely your choice but remember it's easy to get taken for granted as a family member in a way that a childminder wouldn't.

Answer 8

My parents do babysit my kids occasionally - but there is no set schedule (I do not work), they offer to watch them, they enjoy it.  I do not pay them, but we're family and we help eachother out.  

My mother did offer to watch my sister's three kids twice a week while she worked.  She was not going to charge her.

Anyways - I agree you should set the guidelines.  I think parents really have the say how their children are disciplined in the grandparents care.  But I also feel grandparents can have some say but should discuss their rules ahead of time with the parents and ensure everyone is on the same page.  As far as paying.... thats really between the two parties.  In my family we never "charge" eachother any kind of a babysitting rate... because we all help eachother out and everything evens out in the wash, as we say.  But if the grandparent could use the money, and is not working a different job in order to take care of the grandchildren... then that is another story.

Good luck!!

Answer 9

Joan, Unlike your son and daughter in law, my husband earns enough money so my kids can stay at home with mummy! If you had spent more time, educating your son, perhaps he would be a better breadwinner! Therefore, you wouldn't be a miserable grandma who is h**l bent on destroying your grandkids as you have done your own kids! Tell you son to get a child minder, and stop relying on you!  

Answer 10

Hi this is quite a hard one as I think, most of the time a child should be diciplined by there parents, but if say for example the child gets let away with murder and runs the grandparents ragged and the grandparents are not allowed to tell the grandchild off then I think this is wrong, I think decipline should be done by the parents, and if they are not going to do it properly then yep someone should  step in.

I am not a grandparent yet, I am going to become a mother though very soon lol, but I wouldnt object to my mum or dad telling my child off if he is misbehaving, but they shouldnt have to so my baby should be well diciplined and not give my mum and dad grief if they do want to take care of him if ever I need them too.

I think the reason some kids are the way they are today is because they dont get told off like they used to,I dont agree with smacking if the child has done nothing wrong, if you can get away with just shouting then fine but some kids just need telling. I am only 21 myself and think that it should go back to how it was years ago, where people could actually tell your child off if doing wrong but now all that happens is the social get involved etc.

I am only going from what I have seen with my husbands parents and his half borther they are quite old parents and there son is just a horror he doesnt do as he is told and he know fair well that he can get away with it and they know they let him. He was being looked after by his grandparents my husband grandma and we went up and he deliberatly hit his cousin h\who is 4, he got caught started screaming and stomping his feet, and then went and shoved the little boy over and he hit his head on the concreate, in front of everyone and then he denide it, it a boy who behaves like this isnt getting told it shocking. And if he ever hit my son once he is old enough to play I will dicipline the toe rag.

Anyways, as for being paid, it all depends on the parents, and grandparents, I think if you have to provide stuff for you own grandchild then you should be getting alittle something as you not as young now as you used to be and looking after a child no matter how old you are its still tireing no matter how much you love your grandchildren.

I would give my parents money incase they run out of things which I hope they wouldnt as it wouldnt make me look very good not having the right stuff for my child, but as for things like high chairs and cots and things, I would buy them, I wouldnt expect my mum and dad too, however they have done this for my nephew and I said they will have to stop as it should be my borther and his girlfriend providing for there child, yep grandparents buys toys and clothes but the essential things should be bought by parents if you as me. My mum and dad looked after my nehpew for 3 days once and even thought they bought food, there wasnt enough to last so she had to go out and buy it for him, not that she minded but she shouldnt of had too.

My mum would never take money, but I think a bit of pampering and appreciation wouldnt go amiss sometimes, especially of the parents who take babysitting by there own mums and dads as if they should be doing it because they are grandparents.

I think you should set some guide lines as you they sre staying with you in your home and you are doing it for a favour so there parents can go and have sometime alone or have fun, but you have to set some rules here and there. I would or else you just get walked all over.  

Answer 11

Their parents dictate how the children should be brought up in every way nobody else.

Whether or not grandparents should be paid can be between the parties involved.

If you wish to take care of your grandchildren, then I suggest you do it as you have been asked to by their parents, or else they will find a more suitable alternative.

Answer 12

I think if your trusted enough to take care of children then you should be trusted enough to discipline the children.

Answer 13

i do not pay my BF mum to watch my daughter, she asks if she can take her, i do not ask her to babysit - therefore why should i pay her when she chooses to spend time alone with her grand daughter? i make sure she doesnt have to buy nappies, milk, i paid for the equipment she has at her home - cot, bedding, high chair etc.

my daughter does not get discipline, she gets told no, and she listens. i wouldnt say this is discipline. and if i ever discovered mer grandmother was hitting her, doing the naughty step or taking her toys from her when i know its not needed then i would be refusing her access to my daughter without my supervision.

you do not set the guidelines, the childs mother and father does. however, ive read some of your previous questions and it seems you are hellbent on defying the mother and her rukes anyway, so i fully believe you would go ahead and do what you liked anyway.

Answer 14

Discipline should always be decided by the child's parents and all care givers (including grandparents) should respect their advice - providing that what they ask is reasonable and not something that is against the law.  

I think grandparent care should follow the same official guidelines as childminders and nursery staff have to follow.  So no smacking, no belittling, no naughty chair, no swearing etc.  So if a parent said that you should discipline the child by smacking them, then the grandparent should be able to say 'No'  they will not smack.

Whether grandparents should get the 'going rate' should be decided by the family as a personal thing.  But they should certainly be paid any expenses they incur by looking after a child.   This should include petrol used when taking the child out and about and which always seems to be overlooked when being paid for expenses incurred.