Who should initiate a search? Adoptee or natural parent?

Question

I'm curious what others think? Should the adoptee search for their natural parents or should the natural parent search for the adoptee? Why?

Answer 1

Interesting question Andraya!

Given the fact that a lot of adoptees feel abandoned in a way, or that their n-parents "didn't want them", it would be nice if the n-parent initiated the search.  It's scary to seach when you've already been "rejected" once only to have the prospect of being rejected a second time.

But then again, the agency told my n-mom to go home, forget about me, never to think about seeing me again, because I would never want to find her or see her again, etc. etc.  She was basically made to believe that there was no chance that I would ever want a reunion (NOTHING could be further from the truth) so she would have NEVER dreamt of searching for me.  I had to do the searching, as scary as it was, and luckily things turned out ok for us in the long run.

It's hard to not feel like you're intruding on the other's life, but how will you know if you don't try?

Answer 2

My opinion is that there is no "should" in this situation.  (I actually don't believe in "shoulds" ever, someone once told me to think of it as "shoulding on ourselves"- say it out loud and you'll hear what I mean.) If someone wants to initiate a search, they should ;o)  feel free to do so.  Maybe the adoptee doesn't want to search for their birthparents, but the birthparents want contact.  Or vice versa?  Maybe neither.  There is no right or wrong, in my opinion.

Answer 3

Oh!  I pondered this question for over 40 years.  Really!

I always believed that it was the responsibility of the bparents to search for the child.  I figured that since they had made the decision for adoption, their minds were made up.  Their opinion about the situation/circumstance was clear.  So, they should be the ones to exert the effort to "change" the situation.  My opinion as an adoptee was unknown.  Also, I was the child.  I also (incorrectly) assumed that it would be easier for bparents to get access to the records.

So, when it became obvious that no one was trying to find me, in my 40's I decided to search for them.  A total reversal of my original opinion.

Answer 4

Only the adopter should because the parents wouldn't aware that somebody has adopted the child

Answer 5

Personally I think it's up to the adoptee to initiate the search.  I have a friend  who got pregnant when she was 14 and her mother pressured her into giving her child up for adoption.  It was supposed to be an open adoption, but, after the baby was handed over they never heard from the adoptive parents again.  She is now married and has 4 more children and recently made the statement that she thought she might go and try to get the adoption overturned.  I talked with her about it and told her that I thought it would be a very selfish thing to do.  Her child had been with the other family for going on 15 years, and he was too young to have to deal with that at this age.  I think it would be better to let him make the first move.

Answer 6

Wow, I don't know.   I would like to say either but I'm aware that many birthmoms were asked to stay well away and so might not feel it was their place to search.

Personally, I would be thrilled to be found by my mom or any family member.

I know in the UK the adoptee has been able to seek out birth family since they opened the record in 1974.  More recently the records were opened to ALL birth family of the adult adoptee, which is great, and as it should be.

I wish the USA would take a leaf out of the UK book! and allow families to reunite if they choose to do so.

Answer 7

The adoptee.  I made my choice when he was born, and I have no right to infringe upon his life now.  

If he wants to find me, that's all well and good.  But HE has the right to make that choice, not me.

I have placed my info at various sites, just in case he does search, but I don't actively search for him.  I never felt it was my right once I chose to give him up.

Answer 8

both! If they are both searching for each other,  it will be a happy reunion both ways!

Answer 9

My thought is that if a parent gives up the child the child should look up the parent because they might not know if you want to see them and my not want to bud in to your life...

Answer 10

i don't know, andraya if one initiating the search is higher ranked than the other. i think they are both equally important in the overally goal of reunion.

i do strongly believe, however, that both should be open to being contacted, even if the purpose is for closure.

Answer 11

Both should search.  My father and I both searched for each other.  In a traditional closed adoption, it's a lot harder for first parents to find than for adopted people to find, I think.  The adopted person's name(s) are changed.  My father assumed my first name would not be changed because I was a little bit older, but that wasn't the case.  

But neither party has "more" of "less" of a right to search, nor does one have more of an "understandable" reason to search.  These are people who were separated and have ievery right to find each other.  Anyone who doesn't wish for a relationship can decline.

Answer 12

Great question!  As a bmom....I have always felt it wasn't  my "right" to look for my son.  but I've joined all the registries..etc..for him to be able to find me if he'd like.

As an adoptee...when/if I decided to, I'll search.

Answer 13

This is so weird.  This exact question just came up in my search support group tonight.

I think it should be either.  I started searching because my wife encouraged me (a lot).  I would hate to think that if I hadn't searched, we never would have found one another.

Several of the first moms tonight said that they wouldn't search.  But some adoptees don't search, either, even though they would be okay with being found.  I really hope the adoptees aren't waiting, too.

I think either side should be allowed to search, and I think either should search if they want contact.  Often one side will wait for the other.  If someone doesn't start it, then it may never happen.  

I do think, however, that it's especially important, if first moms search, that they do not close off contact again.  The adoptee, if they reconnect, is likely to be incredibly sensitive to being rejected (again).  Just a side-note.

Answer 14

I have a child that knows all about my daughter. I know that my child wants to get to know her.... so, I would for both their sakes. They are both only children and I hope that they will become friends for a lifetime.

Answer 15

I signed the registry stating that I wanted to be found but never would have activly looked for her. I was told all I could do is wait. I was specifically told that I could not look for her.I thought that when I signed the papers it was forever and I had absolutely NO rights. I would still believe that today if she hadn't found me. I had no idea how much things had changed.

I think nparents should sign the registry but still think that the adoptee shoud be the one to search. It is still possible that a child hadn't been told or doesn't want to know. That could cause hardship for an adoptee's life either by finding out so late and feeling lied to or by possible rejection again. I guess I'm still thinking I have no rights but I wouldn't want to cause any more pain than I already have as a nparent.

Keep in mind depending on the age of the adoptee there are still nparents out there who are as uninfromed as I was.

Answer 16

Hmm, my reaction is to say that it should be initiated by the adoptee as they are the ones who had no choice in their adoption & the life that came with it.  In that regard they may or may not want anything to do with the bio parents.  

However, the more I think about it I would have to say that it should be okay for either or to initiate the search.  It could be a pleasant suprise for the other that wasn't looking or maybe both were searching for each other. Although, it can also be quite disheartening if one does not 'accept' the other.

Answer 17

Ther birth parent should not be able to search for the adoptee first.

The birth parent shpuld wait until the adoptee is ready or wanting to contact the birth parents (not every adoptee wants too).

In UK you cant contact anyone until your 18. The birth parent cant contact you at all. They have to consider the adoptive parents feelings, the family they could disrupt by trying to get in contact with the adoptee etc etc.

Answer 18

Either.  Whichever party feels the need to search.  Or both.  

I've got to admit I'd feel a bit better about myself if someone had bothered to look for me.

Answer 19

Either or both.

My mom was searching.. if she hadn't been, I never would have found her, because of the restrictive laws in my state.

Answer 20

that's a tough one, only because, if the adoptive parents are keeping the issues closed (for whatever reason), it could be devastating if the bp initiated contact.  On the other hand, it is the adoptees right (in my opinion) to know their bp, even if the story is far from fairy tale-ish. Good question.

Answer 21

My bdaughter said she never would have searched, but she was very happy to be found. It took me almost 30 years to be able to search, it was a hard road. So I say both should search but not expect much.

Answer 22

To me it should be which ever one wants to. I myself have had no desire and probably never will. I do think that even though some reunions are good, that those involved should be very prepared for one not to want the other in their lives.

Answer 23

I think the adoptee has every right to their bio parent's info.  And in that info it should tell them whether the bio parent wants contact in the future or not.  And that information should be allowed to be changed or updated at the bio parent's wish.  I also believe that the adoptee should be 18 prior to being able to seek that info unless it is an open adoption and then it shouldn't be an issue.  But I have heard of open adoptions that after a year or two the adoptive parents will move and not keep in touch with the birth parent so the child loses contact.  So if that is the case and the adoptee asks for the info they should get it no matter what age they are.

Answer 24

my opinion would be the adoptee because in most cases the parents are ashamed and afraid that if they show up to the adoptee they might not accept them or want them in their life because the parents have left them in an adoptive institute.

Answer 25

Adoptee because most birth parents either don't want to intrude until the adoptee is ready, just don't want to know them, or are scared of the reaction they will get.

Birth parents can always send letters to the adoptive parents anyway so that they can offer the child the choice of reading some of her letters if they ask or the parents want to share them.