Who talks first?

Question

Our sons family is from a town over and we run in to them a few times a year.

When it comes to extended family, Great-aunts and such, and we see eachother at the mall or something, who should speak up first. Should I just ask like I don't notice? Or introduce us?

I can tell when It happens, 'cause of the way they look at him and whisper when they hear his name, not to mention how he looks like his sisters twin.

It usually catches my offguard and I don't know whats approperate. What do you think?

Answer 1

Consider some points.

is it an open adoption and are you in touch with his Mother?

If so and she's open about the adoption with her family then great.

If not consider the awkwardness for all you may trigger by stepping over.

If you choose to step over are you ready for what may follow?  questions, further interest, wanting to meet up, can they see him more often, can he visit etc.  You may be opening Pandora's box.

If it holds a lot of issues that need to be resolved first then nod, smile, look friendly but leave it for them to approach, then you are not responsible for the chain of events that follow.  Your friendly face will be enough for them to feel invited to approach if they so desire!

:)

Follow your heart, think about the positives and the negatives and be strong whatever path and don't be afraid to change that path later if you have more information.

Answer 2

I'm guessing you are the aparents?  How old is your son?  Does he know his history?

I would just walk up and say hi.  I bet they would love to see him, hold him or/and talk to him.  I would just take the first step.  They are his family too.  As a result they are your family too.  That's how i look at it anyway.  

I can't comment further without knowing more details.  Good luck and feel free to email me anytime.

ETA:  I think they are probably caught off guard too.  They probably don't know what to do either or whats appropriate.

So I would just ease the situation by going over with big smiles and if you don't know their first names say "Hi i'm Lara "  Get their names and introduce the rest of your family to them.  I really think they would appreciate it and someday so will your son.

See where it goes from there.

Answer 3

Do you want these people in your son's life?  If so, it is up to you to initiate the conversation.  He's not even three yet, and he is going to have the same concerns when he's older.  He needs to know from you whether or not it is okay to talk to his birth family.  And they don't know if you will be accepting of them in his life so they probably won't ever start the conversation.

If you were in the mall and you saw his great aunt walking toward you, first I would smile and make eye contact.  If she smiles back, then walk up to her and say hi.  Introduce yourself and your son and let him know who she is.  Once you do this, they will know whether or not they can initiate the conversation next time.

I think it would be beneficial for your son to know his extended family and to know that you are okay with it.  That way, when he does get older and he starts talking to them or sees one of them, he doesn't have to feel like he is betraying you and he doesn't have to do it behind your back.

Answer 4

My son is 13 years old. He came to live with us when he was 5  as a foster child. We adopted him when he was 8.

We live in the same town as his birth parents and some of the family. Both of his Aunts work at Walmart so we see them regularly. He knows who they are and he will say hi to them and usually will just keep going about what he was doing. He does not stop to make conversation. When I talk with them he will either stand there quietly or he asks to go to another department in the store.

I completely admire both of his Aunts because they both helped get him out of a terrible situation. I will have a conversation with them. They always ask how my son is and have given them pictures of him.

This is his family, I want him to get to know them.

We have also ran into his birth mother. I did not know what to do. (My son does not know who she is. She left him with his bio-father when he was a baby). I was not sure how to handle the situation, but she turned and walked the other way. I was actually grateful to her for that because I had no idea how to handle the situation..

Answer 5

This hasn't happened to me...but, I have thought about it. I can't say for sure but, I believe and hope that I would at least Smile and say hello...  

I have run into my ex's next wife at the store and wanted to run the other way just to avoid the "situation" I don't really always want to be all friendly and smiles with her but, she is the step mother of my children so, I feel it is my responsibility to show her the same respect I might if I saw a neighbor... and just say Hello...It's not like I will have to become her best-friend or that it hurts anyone... In fact, acting like I don't see her would give fotter to the cliam I somehow have a problem that my ex has a second wife.

............but, recently and I don't remember who it was or why I did pretend I didn't notice someone at the store??? hummm

Answer 6

I think you should let them acknowledge you... it might be a topic that they are uncomfortable with and don't want to broach. You wouldn't want to invade their privacy; however, if you're comfortable with it, it could help to appear approachable.

Answer 7

I personally go through this all the time with my daughter.  (I have 4 children and one is adopted).  When I see one of her family members, I will speak up first and say "Hello."  My daughter really appreciates this..... ALOT.  I don't want there to be any unnecessary awkwardness between us.  It is what it is and no matter how they may feel about the situation, its not going to change anything.  Their ill feelings have nothing to do with me but the bitterness they feel towards my daughters bio-mother.  I try to be respectful in this regard and to let them feel at ease.  Let them know that they are still family.

Answer 8

i would think a pleasant hello would be ok. if you ignore it and they walk away whispering, that makes it seem like a big secret.

when my step childrens mom gave up custody to my husband and i, there was several times we would be out and i would notice people looking and whispering. i would warmly smile at them. usually they were family of hers (that i did not know). they would timidly ask "is  his/her name ....?"

i would tell them yes and ask if they knew my children. this would open the door for a nice visit.

i never had anyone ask for later contact, but they were always appreciative to just get contact with them. and they thanked me for the chance to see them. (not like i coordinated it, it just happened).