Whose got time for long question?? soo..do u STAND BY your MAN?? input from serious men & women wiling to read

Question

my boyfriend & I have been together for 41/2 years... we were long distance when we met, so we both accepted the fact that it would be difficult. we are about 2hrs away plane ride.. in the beginning he used to visit me every other month. it kept our relationship strong. then after 2 years of that... he decided to transfer to a school out here to be closer to me. He went home for the summer planning to come back & finish his degree in the fall, so went home for the summer. But now a couple things got mixed up with school scholarships, loans etc,. so it would be easier// less expensive that he finds an internship & finishes off his credits while he can live at home. So this means he isn't coming back; at least not to live. I've always wanted to move to the NYC area..so eventually we will try to establish some things and move in together. you can imagine we've been through A LOT together. more good//inspiring times then bad;) As his girlfriend I know, life has always been a difficulty for him, but he’s always trying to do right- to overcome complications. he is currently going through a lot of difficulties right now.. His grandfather whom he was very close to- passed away back in November, he was here at school, went back for a few days for the burial- but, as I see it, never really had time to grieve. Finances are extremely tight, he is in dire need of a job as well as an internship for school.. Fast. He lives in the NYC area.. Things are equally impossible as there are opportunities. I shared quite a lot of what he’s going through… in your opinion; are these all excuses for our phone convos to be suddenly limited. it might be another 6 months before I see him again- lately we haven’t talked much & when I complain about it, he is easily aggravated. does he not care anymore? I’ll admit I dislike that he is always spending time with his family & doesn’t promptly return calls or text.. actually some days it will go hours.. This is becoming an issue, he feels I’m not understanding enough to his situations. he is struggling & under a lot of pressure to find a job and support his family back home. he also soon going to be preparing to apply to law school....I realize I may have some growing up to do? & will have to be strong & patient. but what’s everyone’s input..... insecurities are getting at me.. I know this is a little scattered// it's hard to sum up a relationship in one writing. This isn't like me to go else where for advice// especially not the net but I’m curious to get an outsiders opinion. so in your opinion, from the bits you know.. what are you suggestions// he wont call me as often as usual because he says he's busy trying to figure things out or just trying to relax has a lot on his plate blah blah.... I realize i need to step up and be supportive... but if he's only calling me once a day; does this mean he doesn't care? am i foolish to believe this is just a rough time?

Answer 1

Umm... Long-term relationship is not my forte, but I think you are doing pretty good. If he's under stress (you don't assume he must be seeing somebody else, right?), don't complain all the time that he's not calling you enough (he's calling you every day and that sounds great to me). Call him yourself but not like asking him to call you back asap but just something like "just calling to say 'i love you', have a great day" kind of calls. Is there any possibility you can visit him? You mentioned that he used to visit you every other month, maybe he feels that he puts the most efforts. Also it's not clear to me what are your plans for the future? He's preparing to apply to law school and as far as I understood he's planning to stay where he is now, what about you? For how long are you planning to keep long distance relationship? You won't be able to keep it forever, no matter how much you love each other. So from what you wrote it's really hard to tell anything. But I wish you all the best, stand by your man if you feel that your love is strong and it's worth it.

Answer 2

that was long, woo and i'm not sure i fully understood all of it because it is pretty late, but i'll tell you what i think. once a day is still good. my man and i have been together for a lil over 4 years now, and although the longest we've ever gone without seeing each other is 2 months i know its hard when they dont call all the time when they're away. right now he works monday thru friday a couple hours away and stays up there during the week, comes back to town on weekends.. we talk maybe once a week on the phone. thats it. then we see each other on the weekend, and he goes back, and honestly our relationship has never been stronger. sometimes when you're drained you really dont want to talk on the phone. u want some arms but if the arms of ur lover arent available you'd rather just curl up alone and call them after you've chilled out.

i'd also like to say that i have friends that are VERY dear to me, and i'm lucky if i get to talk to them once a month, and i'd kill for any one of them.. so no, ur not foolish. hang in there hun. things always get better.  

Answer 3

4 and a half years is a long time to let it go to waste. Is there anyway that you can go see him? So him a little more support this way? Can you move to be with him?

Long distant relationships are hard period, but you two seem to have a good one, and he seems very responsible taking care of his family and all.

My husband went to boot camp (army) for 5 months after we got married and I know the only thing that got us through it was the phone, I also sent him a letter every day. He told me later that, that got him through the day know that there would be a letter waiting there for him.

Try talking to him and letting him know how you are feeling. If you can surprise him and visit him. Good luck and I hope it works out for you.

Answer 4

Well, what is your problem with his behaviour? Are you upset that he's not in contact with you as much as you would like him to be? How much contact do you have with each other? Are you open and honest when you do communicate, or are there lots of things you're afraid to talk to him about for fear of aggravating him? If there are things you want to discuss, like where your relationship is going, but you feel afraid to talk about it, then you're doing him and yourself a disservice. Perhaps you should schedule a specific time when you can spend a weekend together to really talk things through and find out what you both need from your relationship  - and whether you are getting what you need or not. Maybe make it really clear that talking about the whole thing is important to you, and if it's important to you, it should be important to him too. Because he's meant to be the man who loves you, who cherishes you above all others. So if he won't come to the table and be willing to create a time when you can air all your concerns and worries together and create a place from which you can move forward, then I would ask myself some questions if I were you. Like, when was the last time you had fun together? Does he make you feel valued and cared for, and do you do the same for him? What is there in this relationship that you want to keep, and what is there that you don't like and want to discard?

Hope some of this helps.  

Answer 5

Wow that was a long question  

Answer 6

I like the long questions because they are better than the vague ones.

He is obviously going through and has been through a lot. He may need some time to sort out his thoughts and take care of family business. But worrying because he doesn't call you back immediately? Without sugar-coating it, that is dumb. In life, you will realize that he won't always be at your beck and call, and likewise, there will be times when you won't be able to get back to him immediately.

You should just let him know that you are there for him. You evidently have been there, and will be there for him in the future (assuming that is your wish). From your novel above, I gather that you two aren't exactly teenagers anymore, He needs to realize that maybe talking about his problems will help him in the long run.

Answer 7

As you already said, long distance relationships are hard. I know too, when I first met my boyfriend he lived in California and I lived in Delaware... easily a 4 hour plane ride. I don't know what else to tell you other than to continue to be supportive. If you guys have come this far, and been through this much already then you can get through this. Take your time, and tell him how you feel in a way that won't upset him. Or, if you feel it would be easier to say exactly what you want to say, put it in an email. Hope this helped!

Answer 8

You could have easily summed this question up.

You are having issues with a long-term relationship.  The actual problems that you and your boyfriend go through during this time aren't really very central to the issue.  All people involved in long distance relationships go through a similar experiance.  

In my opinion, you should both be concentrating on school, not stressing about your love life.  If it's meant to be, you will both hook up again.  But...to get stressed because it takes him a couple of hours to call you back...well, that tells me that you need a lot of attention, and sometimes, in a long distance relationship, this simply isn't possible.  Either get used to the new paradime, or change it.

Answer 9

is there a reason why you cant go and visit him? once in person im sure you'll get your answers

Answer 10

Well you need to understand that he is very stressed out and that's why he's so aggravated, but rest assured he would not stay in a long-distance relationship with you if you weren't his whole world! Once a day is more then enough to talk on the phone.

He really does care but needs all the time, help and understanding that you can give him.

It's definitely hard I'm sure but it will be worth it when you're together again.

Answer 11

I have had similar problems...minus the long distance. But, it sounds like he is going through a lot. Calling you only once a day is perfectly fine! If you bug him about calling you more...he will probably only call you less and you might scare him away. I totally know how you feel though. My gut says that no matter your worries...stick by his side and let him know that you are there for him. I know it's extremely hard (my boyfriend worked 3rd shift when I was still in high school so it made everything next to impossible- but I stuck by him though the hard times and now he works 1st shift and we see eachother everyday!). But have faith and everything will work out fine. Make yourself busy so that you don't think about it as much. Whatever you do...I think you should stick by him, but also let him know that this is very hard for you too and that it would be greatly appreciated if he took that into consideration sometimes. If he cares about you...which I am sure he does....he will take the time to try and make everything even a tiny bit easier!

-God gave us mountains so we could learn how to climb...it may seem like the biggest problem right now...but it will only get better.