Why, for parents, an adopted child is different than a natural child?

Question

Or is it the same?

Answer 1

There is nothing PC about anything about it. I have a biological daughter who is nearly 18 and an 11 yar old son who we adopted at birth. I will tell you that it is the same thing and it has nothing to do with PC. As far as I can tell it would be incredibly presumptuous of someone who doesn't have children or someone who has never adopted a child to consider for a moment that they have any awareness of what the feelings involved might be, whether it is PC or not. From the experiences in my life, I can tell you that family and love and kinship have nothing to do with biology or blood. I have nurtured and cared for and deeply loved both my children their entire lives. Our pasts and our present and our futures are all a part of each other's lives and our memories and hopes for tomorrow intertwine and grow as in any family. I feel very lucky to have the family that I have. I would never presume to know how others feel and I think it is wrong for those not the least bit connected with adoption to think they have any awareness of how adoptive parents feel. Why would they? How would they? I think most people not connected with adoption are willing to take our word for it that the feelings a parent has are the same -- and why is it so hard for that to sound right to some people?

Answer 2

its not that its different but its also not the same some or most people who adopt children cannot have babys of there own, i cannot really give you a "good" answer on this because i have never adopted a child myself but i am an adopted child and only child, good luck finding your answer

Answer 3

As adoptees, we have a history before our adoptive families that needs to be recognized and honored throughout our lifetimes. Adoptees are not blank slates even when they arrive after birth.

Answer 4

I would certainly hope that the love for that child is the same, however, I am sure it is different.  At least it was for me, knowing that you are EVERYBODYS second choice kinda sucks.

The situation is different for the adoptee, and before one adopts, these differences should be known.  And I suppose perhaps that is what you are asking in this question.  The love should NEVER be different, but the way an adoptee is raised is probably different from that of a biological child.  

Biological ties are very overlooked, when you have them, it is very easy to take them for granted.  Perhaps many biological children don't "fit" into their biological families... but the traits are still there.  

For an adoptee, there is no biological tie to these people, adoptees are essentially raised by strangers, who hopefully understand the fact that no matter how hard they try, they cannot make there adopted children 'just like them'.   There needs to be an understanding, an ability to accept your child, no matter WHAT they turn out to be like.  To try not to mold them to be something that fits your image of your child better.  To allow them to explore themselves and be independent.  To allow them to KNOW their roots... even if it isn't a completetly open adoption, they must know what their parents are like.  The AP's must understand that those people who gave birth and created their child are still that childs parents, they are still bonded by blood.  They have to be willing to understand all this.  

So in answer to your question, sorry I got a little rambling here.  Hopefully it helps you understand.  Genetic ties are stronger than you think.  Hopefully APs are able to understand that.  Hopefully the love isnt' different.  Hopefully its just the way the child is understood that is different.

Answer 5

They treat them the same

but some ppl feel totally different about adopting but im hoping i can adopt one day to show my parents i can actually care for someone...

and bc it's a wonderful thing to do :)

Answer 6

I do think *parenting* an adopted child is different than parenting a bio child... but I love my adoptive children wholly and completely, and cannot imagine *loving* a bio child any differently.

It's different in that you have to respect that your adopted child has a past that does not include you no matter how close to a newborn he/she was when you took custody of him. I think that affects some adopted people very deeply, and others less deeply, but either way you need to respect it and consider it when parenting your child. Additionally, if your child was in the care of someone else before you adopted him/her you've got to be cognizant of the fact that you really don't know what sort of past experiences he had... and you need to respect that, especially in choosing types of discipline, etc.

But, as far as love goes, I absolutely and completely believe that you can love an adopted child as much as a biological one.

Answer 7

I read an awesome poem once. Basically said that a natural child is born in the womb, but an adopted child is born in the heart. I guess wanting them more, as opposed to having them by chance.

Answer 8

For me there is no difference

Answer 9

I would seriously hope that you APes would love your adoptees like you would your own bio kids, because if you don't, that's pretty sad.

But for the sake of not making this a selfish me-me-me- thing, let's talk about what adoption should be about...the adoptee, shall we?  And how you RAISE the adoptee.

Because you SHOULD be raising the adoptee differently than you do a bio-kid.

There's no question that adoptees have needs separate from bio-kids.  For an adoption to take place there first is a separation, a separation from the first family.  This separation affects some adoptees more than it does others, but for the majority of us we internalize this loss, in the interest of "protecting" our APes.  (And that's pretty sad that the child feels they should have to protect their parents, IMO)

A good adoptive parent will take time to talk with their adopted child and talk about this, allow their child to grieve their loss, allow their child to ask questions, give their child whatever information they have.

If it's an open adoption, this is a lot easier, of course.

But as others have stated, an adopted child already has parents, a mother and a father who created him/her, and these people should never be dismissed or downplayed or talked badly about, no matter how bad these people may be, because to do so means you are talking bad about your adoptee...after all the adoptee CAME FROM these people.  

The adoptee also has an entire family...grandparents, aunts, uncles, possibly siblings, cousins...an entire family that the adoptee might have questions about, will wonder who they are, if he/she looks like them, shares their talents and abilities, if the family wonders about the adotpee, etc.

These are perfectly natural feelings and shouldn't be ignored, or feared...wouldn't you wonder the same thing?

If your child was an infant adoption, keep in mind, your child never asked to be adopted, your child had NO CHOICE IN THIS.  

If your child was an older child, foster-to-adopt, your child will probably have some issues to work though, and will need extra care and attention from you for his/her needs.  This is definitely not going to be like raising your own bio child.

And an older child will defnitely remember his/her natural family...so you will need to find a way to deal with that in a positive and healthy manner; by that I mean in a manner that is positive and healthy FOR YOUR CHILD, not you.  This is about your CHILD after all.

So there IS a HUGE difference in the way you RAISE an adopted child, not necessarily how much you LOVE an adopted child.

Answer 10

i think it would be the same, only differnece is u dont  get that given birth bond but u do know the baby before u get it so the  bond is built up then, my BF was adopted and they loved him the way any mother or father loves their child

Answer 11

i think it would be different then a natural child because you dont have that nine months of bonding during pregnancy now to mothers get that strong bonding during breast feeding.

but i think after a few years it would be the same as a biological child.

Answer 12

An adoptive parent can not contribute to the genetic building of an identity for an adoptee.

Adoptive parents can not be the only parents in a adopted child's life - the child already has a family and that family, although not in the picture, is very alive for her or him.

If you love children, you can pretty much  love all children, regardless of how they come to your home. There are many roles biological parents play in their son's or daughter's life and developmental stages - adoptive parents can not fulfill all these roles. The biological connection is missing, and a biological connection is crucial to a sense of self and self-worth. If it weren't, millions of adoptees around the world would never search for their parents.

Answer 13

We already had "natural" children before we adopted our daughter.  I thought there'd be a difference in the way I felt at the beginning, but our adopted daughter is almost 5 now, and I can honestly say I don't feel any differently about her than any of our other children because she's adopted.  I rarely even think about her being adoped.  

But, like all parents, I don't feel exactly the same about any of our children.  They are all unique.

Answer 14

There is no difference in our family.

Answer 15

For all of you who said there is that nine months factor, i say b.s. I'm adopted and your actually going to compare nine months to the entire lifetime of a human being?? It doesn't matter. Either way. The bonding happens as soon as a parent puts their arms around that child and excepts it as their own. Blood related or not. And for all of you who adopted children,your awesome. I love hearing adoption stories.

Answer 16

Obviously they have the obvious differances...one is biological and one is not.

But biological kids are loved dearly by their parents ( a majority of the time...if it was all the time their wouldn't be so many kids awarded custody to the state cause the parents don't want them and their wouldn't be adoption)

But adopted kids are wanted and loved just as much.  The parent has gone to great leangths and money just to have that child.

So comparing a loving biological and loving adopted child I would say there is no differance!!

Answer 17

Loving an adopted child as much as a bio child, and raising them the same are two totally different things. I have 3 bio kids and 2 adopted children and I do love them all as much as the others, but it IS different. Not just my love for them, because my love is different for each of my children, but the way I raise them and how I interact with them is also different. If I didn't raise my adopted children a bit differently, I would be doing them a HUGE disservice by ignoring the fact that they have different needs as adoptees. They need to hear their stories, know about their first families (though I have very little info), know about their countries and cultures, be exposed to other people who are like them, they need to have special consideration given to any attachment, abandonment, trust or anxiety issues they might have stemming from the loss of their original mother. Of course I am sensitive to the needs of all of my children, as any parent should, but I know my adopted children may be carrying around a very large amount of grief, confusion and even anger that I have to help them deal with, and a large amount of questions that I have to help them either answer or come to terms with not knowing.

Answer 18

It is different because they are not related to each other, and the child comes from someone else's family

Answer 19

It should be about how the adoptee feels - not the adoptive parent.

Your love could be the same for both - but the adoptee will feel different no matter how much you try to make them feel the same.

Answer 20

For my adoptive parents there was no difference between how much they loved me and their own natural born sons.  They loved and treated us equally

HOWEVER the difference was felt by me, the adoptee.  It's how the adoptee feels that so often gets overlooked and their quiet grief overlooked and dismissed.  Usually because they don't even have the words and are constantly being told they 'shouldn't' feel any different - so we comply with that notion.  So much denial.  So so sad

Answer 21

I have never adopted children but I sincerely feel that I would feel no difference.

MY concern would be - how does my adoptee feel about ME?  And how does my adoptee feel about his/her first family?

To me the adoptee's feelings need to be discussed on adoption forums - not the first parents nor the adoptive parents.  It is the adoptee who had no choice in the adoption.  Adoption discussions are too parent-centric.  The adoptee gets totally lost in the process.

Answer 22

Of course it's not the same--but NO one will admit that.  It's about the least PC thing you can do.

Answer 23

There is no difference in loving or raising a child regardless if its biological yours or you adopted.  The only difference between an adopted child and natural child, is that the natural child is genetically related to you.

Answer 24

Alot of parents just want to have that feeling of having their own child. I know what they mean I have talked to my husband about it but he wants a baby made from me and him. We might someday and I do think it is great to raise a child that needs a home and love them.

Answer 25

My parents told my adopted brother that he should never feel slighted or different in any way,because he was chosen. Not that he was any better than us,just that he was loved just as much as we were. We all got the same love & attention equally.

Answer 26

I would not feel differently about an adopted child compared to a biological child.  We are adopting by choice not because we are infertile, and that is something that is hard for a lot of people to understand.  I guess we are supposed to feel differently, but a child is a child.  Whether it comes from me or not, I will love him/her just the same.  

There are many children in the world who need homes. Why not provide one for them?

Answer 27

Whether the children are adopted or even if they are all biological, parents feel differently about all of their children.

It doesn't mean that they don't love them all - just that they connect with each child in different ways.

Ideally, the parent is still able to treat all of the children fairly and equally, even if deep down on the inside they feel differently about them.  (Though we've all seen parents who have obvious favorites, unfortunately.)

Answer 28

Although it is quite possible for parents to love an adopted child as much as their natural child(ren), it is not the most important factor in adoption.

It is the experience of the adopted child that is the most important (remember, adoption is supposed to be for the benefit of the child, not those adopting).  Many adopted children, though very loved, have a difficult time accepting that love.

Because of genetic and personality and characteristics differences, it can be a tremendous challenge for adopted children to act like part of the adoptive family no matter how loved.  Many try, which I find very sad.  

There are, unfortunately, also many adopted children who are not accepted and loved because of these differences which I find equally as sad.

Answer 29

I'm really shocked at how many thumbs downs were given to people who said there is no difference between loving a biological child and an adopted child. I have one child, whom I adopted. I honestly cannot imagine loving a biological child more than I love my son. Of course I have nothing to compare it to, but I bet most of the people who gave thumbs down don't have a basis for comparison either. What a bunch of selfish, narrow minded people!

PS - Heidiann, great answer!

Answer 30

I don't think it is. My hubby and I are adopting and for us it could not be any diffrent than haveing our own. It all depends on how bad you want a child if you are adopting that should mean that you are ok with what ever you get as long as you have someone to love it really dosn't matter.

Answer 31

look my mother had 2 kids before she adopted me. there is a big difference for the people that have never been in the shoes of an adopted kid with biological siblings there is a difference.

I have two biological sisters. we weren't raised together as if we were in two seperat families. they don't even see me as their sister just a family friend.

My mother spends christmas with them and christmas eve with me. same for new years and thanks giving.

my mother can compare my sisters to another white person ( i'm black and asian) and then turn around in the same breath and tell me she can make me the made. h**l yeah there is a difference.

Some people just refuse to see it because " we were picked". sometimes we were picked for other reasons.