Why Can't People be More Supportive?

Question

of Equal Rights for Adoptees?

Answer 1

There is absolutely NO reason for adoptees not to have their birth records at 18.  It IS a right and we must work hard to make sure every state implements this law.

However, I think some of the insulting trash slingers on this website will prevent it from ever happening, because of the way the message is being delivered by some reform groups.

Ever heard:  You can get more bees with honey?

I understand the radical bit -- I was a big radical protester in the 70's for lots of causes.  I understand that groups historically go radical and overboard to be heard and then pull back once the issue is more mainstreamed and accepted.  We have done this with the Women's Movement, Black History, Immigration Rights, etc.

But on this board, where ALL of us are linked by adoption. where people have come to share and learn, why the insults, name calling and just plain garbage throwing just because a person wants to adopt, or is adopted, or has placed a baby for adoption, and doesn't think just like they do?

Answer 2

Preach it Joslin.  You go girl.  I agree.  

I think you are confusing lack of support for open records  with what is, at times, a lack of support for some of the extremes views and attitudes of those involved in the movement.  When people question some of these views and are attacked they back away from the issue completely and just stop listening.  If a person is willing to meet you half way and agree with many of your points isn't that something?     This sense that it is all or nothing, or black and white is alienating to many people.  I think there would be more support if there were a more unified voice coming from everyone involved in adoption.

Answer 3

maybe calling people idiots and ignorant thats why.  they tune you out becaus you act like know it alls.  

not think of you as human   that is the dumbest thing ever.

ya stupidity is forever and ever and ever and ever and ever

Answer 4

Honestly who knows why they can't be more supportive.

Answer 5

IDK.  It seems like straight forward injustice to me.  I really thought this was one issue we all could agree on.  Thank you all for making me aware of this.  I will be working on equal rights for adoptees in my state.

Answer 6

Because, we just will never be seen as real human beings in the eyes of some people.

We are just those little "gifts", items passed around to fulfill other's needs, but no one stops to consider what happens when that "gift" grows up.

There has to come a point when we stop fulfilling the needs of others and get our own needs fulfilled.  We aren't children anymore, we don't belong to our aparents, the state, the federal government, nobody.  It's just difficult for some people to understand that...I guess if we could be traded off in infancy, then what equality and value do we have as adults?  Obviously, not as much as "real" kids, otherwise we wouldn't have been given away.

Quit treating us like chattel, we are not objects, we are human.  We deserve the same rights as everybody else.  It's about time we start getting those rights.

Answer 7

I think a lot of people just don't get that it's about being treated equally  under the law.  h**l, I know my first family.  I didn't even try to get an original birth certificate until after reunion.  I still couldn't get one.  Reunions happen every day with or without closed records.  That's nothing new.

Obviously I'm not trying to get my first families information.  I have it.   But I'm damned insulted that I'm a tax paying, law abiding, contributing member of society, yet the state won't allow me to walk into the office of vital statistics, plop down my $17.00 and get a copy of something as basic as my own birth certificate.  I did absolutely nothing to cause me to be treated less than equally under the law to my non-adopted counterparts.

It's not reunions the opposition fears quite as much as it is the possibility of seeing something in the records that might not look quite right.  They know the reunions will keep happening.  

It's not about so-called birthparent anonymity, either.  Even the NCFA cannot produce one single relinquishment document that promises that a birthparent's identity will be forever concealed.  Under the adoption laws as written, that's not possible to promise anyway without lying.

I guess some people just don't think adopted citizens are equal to other citizens.  After all, weren't we just throw away b******s born of bad blood and feeble-minded women who were foolish enough to get pregnant out of wedlock?  (Don't laugh, there actually were articles written back in the 30's that made such statements.)  Second-class citizens.

Well, I suppose the suffragettes needed to just shut up, stop stepping on the rights of men as the heads of the households, and be grateful they had husbands and fathers to take care of the nasty business of politics for them.

Answer 8

Closed minds and closed hearts??

It's extremely saddening - especially since I've seen the heartache of so many many adoptees that just want the same rights that all other non adopted peeps have.

No more - no less.

Answer 9

I think the substitution does make things clearer.  

Some people simply have a hard time imagining themselves in an adoptee's shoes.  For whatever reason, they find it easier to imagine they are the birth mother who was "promised privacy" and who "just wants to get on with her life," even though very few such women exist.  If we say "What if this was done to any other group of people?" then they are forced to confront their own, perhaps unconscious, ideas about adoptees as products of shame who ought to be grateful to have been born at all.  It helps them realize we're as human as the next person and simply want what everyone else has:  our own identities.

Answer 10

They have either bought into the misinformation campaign of the NCFA (and others who stand to profit from adoption) or they believe in discrimination.  

Either they believe the lies of "promised privacy," "adoptees as stalker," "open records = reunion," "open records = abortion," etc.

Or they believe there should be two classes of citizens.

This either/or reminds me of an old saying...  "Ignorance can be fixed.  Stupidity is forever."  All we can do is try to educate the ignorant.  The stupid are always going to be stupid.

ETA: Cruzgirl, and others who think that it's the radical words of adoptees that people object to and not open records...  just scroll down this very page.  You'll find adoptees who demand open records being compared to the KKK.  I think the point of the original question has been adequately demonstrated.

Answer 11

I think that people who don't support open records think of adoptees as 'less than'.

How can an adoptee ask for THAT and betray the kindness of the people who took them in? How dare them!  Who do they think they are?!  

That's it.

Answer 12

Who says we're not supportive?  It's an old law that definitely needs to be updated. We're not living in the 40's and 50's anymore. This is one of the laws that keeps secrecy and shame attached to adoption. I hate it too.



While it's not an issue for my daughter I do think it's discrimination for those adoptees who cannot obtain access of their own records. I think some positive reform would occur in adoption practices if all adoptees were allowed unconditional access.

HeatherH-Nothing in Gershom's edit is accurate. I'm not into her confrontational tactics. I hope you read and understood my answer better than she did.

Gershom-I'm not going to chat with you. This was not your question to begin with. If Heather needs/wants clarification she can email me.

Lastly, I attempted to give a genuinely honest answer in support of adoptee rights.  I see now that anything upsetting or confusing  to the ring leader can completely shift the opinions of her following.

Answer 13

That's a very good question, Heather.

The biggest reason (or I should say "excuse" or "misunderstanding") is because some see equal rights for adoptees as a concept that can only be achieved at the expense of someone else's rights.  I have even heard an AP say they support equal rights for adoptees up to the point where the nmom's rights begin!  And therein lies the problem.  Who had what rights first?  And what exactly are those rights?  Are they legal or assumed?  Try looking at it differently and see what happens.  Why not say you support nmom's rights up to the point where adoptee's rights begin?

Putting aside the debates as to whether or not that AP truly had the nmom's interests at heart when that statement was made, & putting aside whether or not nmoms truly want to deny their children's rights, the logic is still simply faulty when people say there is already balance in rights.

Here is my stand on it:  The adoptee's rights presumably should have begun when he/she was born.  As a human being, they should have the exact same rights as everyone else.  It is here that the first offense was committed, and that was sacrificing that child's identity rights for the supposed right of somebody else to become anonymous from the child.  It is actually the adoptee's rights that start off being taken away in order to provide someone else with extra assumed rights.  To later restore rights to the adoptee would in no way infringe upon the rights the nmom or anyone else was born with.  They would now have the exact same rights everyone else has.

My own opinion is there are other factors working behind the scenes here.  The adoption industry itself has its own agenda that is in direct conflict with the rights of the adoptee.  Some, not all, adoptive parents can attribute false significance to what equal rights for adoptees means.  As for the general public, they usually are supportive once they look past the adoption propaganda and really learn what's going on.  Most were not previously aware these issues even existed.

You're absolutely right Heather, it IS discrimination.  Bottom line, anyone who is not part of the solution to reforming adoption so it makes all parties equal, is part of the problem.  Thanks for asking.

julie j

reunited adoptee

Answer 14

awww:(

Answer 15

I can't tie my own shoes.

I am an idiot.

Please ignore me.

Answer 16

Weeme,

If someone who is adopted wants their OBC then that is their choice. Why get so worked up about it?

I do support adoptees right to know, every one should have a choice if they want to seek out their birth family and/or obtain their OBC.

Answer 17

I believe all adoption records should be open to all adoptees.  Every individual deserves the right to know about his/her life story.

Answer 18

Wow, that makes it painfully clear. You might want to add, WOMEN are not allowed to access...

You need to always mention that because for people, such as myself, I never realized it was an issue. When I first heard about it, I didn't understand all the implications. My husband who is in no way, shape, or form, has had anything to do with adoption, except through me, could have cared less... now "gets it" he cares. I'm a different part of the triad with different issues. For the sake of my daughter and all adoptees, it's important. Thanks.

Answer 19

Has anyone read that recent article about the girl who's been searching for her mother because she has cancer and needed a match. She found her mother( actually her grave) after a long extensive searching process, she had died last year, cancer. Shes now awaiting the results to see if her 1/2 brother is a match.

Gosh, would've been nice for "her" to have her records and updated medical information. I guess that 1% who have "moved on and don't want to revist their ugly memories" hold more weight than the fate of life.

Answer 20

Unfortunately, sometimes parents choose to have closed records, then change their minds in the future. It's sad. I don't understand how someone can hide a whole other side of a child's life. I know if I ever put my child up for adoption, I'd want baby pictures, updates etc... I guess people would have to do some research on the agencies they decided to adopt through.

Answer 21

Maybe most people aren't living their lives around a peice of paper that wouldn't make a scrap of difference to their lives one way or another?

Answer 22

But there is a big difference.  What would be more accurate would be to say:  

Jews are not allowed access to sealed court documents without showing necessary proof.  

I mean, what would people think if we said,

Members of the KKK are allowed access to certain classes of sealed court documents just because they're curious.  

It would look pretty bad, right?  Adoptees are legally entitled to the exact same information anyone else is.  Your birth certificate doesn't say that you're adopted - neither does mine.  We're legally entitled to access whatever our perspective LEGAL birth certificates are.  I'm not legally entitled to a copy of my hospital birth record...  I doubt it even EXISTS anymore!