Why Do Adoptees Have to Put up with This sh*&t?

Question

Would you rather be aborted?

Would it be better to be raised by a woman who resented you and did not want you?

Would it be better to be raised by a family who considered you a "b.astard", and called you such?

Would it be better to live on welfare in poverty?

Answer 1

ok some adoptees still went thru that...i dealt with two three and four..and i was adopted...so its not always greener on the other side of that fence

Answer 2

Sorry but I haven't seen ANY of even the most anti-adoption crew around here promote abortion.  They do try to promote family preservation - raising your own child - if that's what the mother wants.  Many young girls are being pressured by their parents or boyfriends to give up their child (or have an abortion).

Would rather be aborted?  I think I answered this already - it's like "eat your dinner even if you don't like it, children are starving in Africa, be grateful that you have food".

Better raised by someone who didn't want you?  No.  I think we're talking about being raised by someone who very much DID want you - but wasn't given the opportunity to raise you.

Better being raised by a family who considered you a "b-stard"?  Some adoptive families treat their kids that way, like they're second class citizens.  Most, thankfully, do not.

As far as would it be "better to live on welfare or in poverty"?  So - let's just make the argument that poor people shouldn't keep their kids, period.  And if a child is born in an impoverished country - they should be shipped to a first world country where they can have "all the opportunities" they wouldn't have in their own country.

Answer 3

Hey, Heather

don't let what people say get you down. I have to believe in their own minds they are thinking they are trying to make us feel better. But in reality those words hurt. I mean no one would rather be aborted, unless they are sudical or something.  Most adoptees are not saying they would rather be raised by their biological mother. Nor are they saying they would rather live on welfare. I think most of us realize that each situation is different and those are choices that were made. In these past months i have realized i need to ignore such people who go to the extreme in making a point. I have no room in my life for such people.

Answer 4

Well, some people, like me, come here with alot of misinformation and pre-conceived ideas.. and ALOT to learn.

They don't understand how hurtful such things are.. (on the other side of the coin, some of the adoptees here HAVE said some pretty hurtful things to Paps as well)   People who say things like you've listed may be lashing out in frustration at what they see as "whining" or they may be really just not thinking bout what they're saying..

Either way, try to not instantly crucify them.. you don't know them, don't know why they've said it.. Instead try to CONSTRUCTIVELY educate them about the issues, and the fact that (okay, this may not be the case, I'ts a "for example") you would NOT have been aborted, your mother wanted you but  during the BSE was forced to give you away..  

I know it's not fair.. we should all try to make this a better place..it's not going to happen until we realize that newbies are going to come on here and say some misinformed/ignorant things.. It's not their fault!! They don't know any better.. It's up to you to educate them. Which, speaking from experience, is MUCH more easily done without attacking and crucifying..

ETA: Just so you know I wasn't accusing you of attacking or cruicifying.. this is just a plea I keep sending out as a "warning" not a "stop"..  as far as the asker.. hmm I assumed they must be newbies..maybe you know and I don't.. don't know what to say to that.. but my plea to try to  cut some slack to noobs who don't know all the issues still stands..

Answer 5

Hi Heather,

What some people seem to forget is even if an adoptee had the BEST of adoptive parents, they STILL had that maternal bond broken, they lost their heritage, family, ethnicity, identity, etc. and they permanently had their rights taken from them.  Nothing later can erase that.

The same people who would never go up to a random pregnant woman and thank her for not having an abortion, would not think twice about saying that to a woman who had lost a child to adoption.  They would never say to a child raised by their natural parents to be grateful they were not aborted, yet it's open season on adoptees.

A lot of questions go through my mind with the assumptions people make with respect to adoption.  Why is it assumed that natural moms would abuse you, resent you, call you names?  Why is it assumed that adoptive families or their extended family will not?

Why is it assumed all natural families would have lived on welfare forever, if at all?  Why is it assumed adoptive families will always be financially secure with a stable marriage?  Even if they do, who says that equates with more love and better parenting skills?  

Why is it assumed that an adoptee would not gain anything from staying with his/her natural family?

Heather, if they walked in our shoes, they would be tired of all the assumptions, and they would be fighting for their rights too.

julie j

reunited adoptee

Answer 6

I'm going to answer the questions for my own situation.  

Would you rather be aborted?  

I can only answer for myself: no.  But, I would ask the asker the same thing, as any mother could have decided to abort but later decided to parent, so you just don't know, do ya?

Would it be better to be raised by a woman who resented you and did not want you?  

My  mother AND father both wanted me.  I was born to two people who were raising me.

Would it be better to be raised by a family who considered you a "b.astard", and called you such?

My natural family didn't think that way.  They were open-minded.

Would it be better to live on welfare in poverty?

My father worked and made a decent living.  That wouldn't have been an issue.

No, I was not involuntarily removed from my parents' care.  The decision to relinquish had to do with other occurrences.  My family looked for me after I became an adult.

I  had a good amom.  She has passed away and I miss her greatly.

I am angry my state treating me like a second class citizen simply because someone adopted me.  Most people who encounter discrimination are angry about the discrimination.  Why  should adoptees be looked upon so poorly for doing the same?

Answer 7

I was wondering the exact same thing, Heather.  Thanks for posting this question.  It's like we're subhuman or something People don't seem to think that they have to give us the same amount of respect and sensitivity as the rest of the human race.

One particular person seems particularly obsessed with the abortion angle of it...

Answer 8

You angrate!!

*snark*

Yep - it is complete bullsh*t.

But apparently it's not as hurtful as being called 'infertile' or 'baby snatcher' - I've been told............

Yes - I'm a little cranky with the double standards today.

ETA: Healing! So nice to see you again. You've put the smile back on my face!! Hugz.

Answer 9

They shouldn't have to put up with that c**p at all. All the questions are ignorant and rude. I see at least 4 great answers and added more contacts on this subject. What a whole new world I have entered. To all adoptees, I am truly on your side. This is unbelievable these questions would be asked to an adoptee. I may have been arrested for assault if I was asked as this would REALLY PEE me off. Wow.

Answer 10

Plenty of people have crappy parents. I wasn't adopted. I was raised by my parents in a divorced home. I was physically and sexually abused. But I don't sit here and whine about it. I help children. I work with abused children. And I have for 20 years. I only share my abuse story when I think it will help an abused child understand that I do know what it feels like. And I am not looking to adopt a white infant. Actually the 3 children I am trying to adopt are older. With the youngest being 5. I am drawn to these 3 children because I have read their case files. And I know that I can help them be whole children again. And maybe have some fun in their lives. But what bothers me is the system. The system that is taking so long I might lose the chance to adopt these children. Yes part of me wants to a mother. But I think that is what makes people be good parents anyway.

But my main point is this. You all treat us like we are lepers because your situation did not turn out well. I know many people adopted and not who had better lives than I did. I also know many people who have had worse lives. Use whatever happened to you to make you a better person. And a good person does not go around dragging others down.

Answer 11

I think it's horrible. I really think that people say it for lack of anything better to say. Thanks for bringing this to my attention because I hate to say it, and I am so ashamed to admit it, but I know when I was younger I did say those things. I didn't know how hurtful it was. I think maybe other people don't know. We are learning. Thanks for teaching.

This may be a stupid question, but when someone says that they are adopted, what would be the best response? Or should there be no response? I don't know, maybe it will help others.

I haven't heard anyone say that in a long time, or if they have I just kind of sit there like an idiot. Being a first mom, I am speechless because I'm afraid of what I might blurt out. I try to avoid the whole thing.

Hi healing!

"Lauren's" first mom

Answer 12

Well apparently it's okay to treat adoptees like this, as long as we stay in our places and play nice.

You know, I was reading quite a lot a couple days ago and a lot of people were apologizing and calling truces, and it seemed like this place was heading in a better direction.

I guess not.

Answer 13

Stupid and ignorant questions are posed to everyone in the adoption triad.  The askers ask for many different reasons...  they're curious, too.

Answer 14

I will admit that I do get kinda irritated with some of the adopted people on this site. Some of you have legit complaints about abuse and neglect but others dont have that reason to be on here. Most of the adopted people I know had good lives and didn't do without, be abused or neglected and are grateful for the parents that took them in.

I know there are awful things that happen out there to adopted kids and to kids who live with their natural parents, too.

On this site I always attempt to steer young girls away from abortion but you people seem to be determined to push the girls towards abortion. After all it was bad for you - then they get worried their child will be treated the same way.

Some of the above questions have entered my mind when I read some if the questions asked on here.

So Adoptees:  Just what should a young girl do if she finds herself pregnant and cant, wont or dont want to raise the child? What would you have her do? Shall she just kill the child instead of adopting it out? Maybe just keep it and treat it badly? What would you recommend to a girl who doesnt want the child?