Why Do you Think Dr Phil Would Say This?

Question

Upon reunion he told an adult adoptee that the most she could expect from her relationship with her mother was 'friendship'

I'm trying to understand why a so-called 'Dr' would say that

Do we give birth to our friends?

Answer 1

Because he doesn't 'get' it. Dr. Phil is a moron. I can't believe some of the nonsense he spouts and his holier than thou attitude makes me crazy. I can see why this comment would upset you, but try not to let stupid people color your own personal views. He's certainly not worth it.

Answer 2

How ironic is it for some on here to claim he doesn't have a degree (as if it's a fact), yet say that he doesn't know what HE's is talking about.  He received his Ph.d. from UNT in 1979.  He earned his master’s degree in experimental psychology and his doctorate in clinical psychology.  However, he currently is not licensed because he gave it up to pursue other things.  

As for his comment, it's kinda hard to know what he meant by it, when we don't have the scenario in front of us, isn't it?

Many adult children have more of a friendship with their parents, than a parent/child relationship.  Could be he meant something as simple as this.

Answer 3

i don't think he is telling him how to feel but not to get his hopes up.  If it grows to more that is great but don't look for your first family and expect them to be 100%  of what you thought you were missing and or wanted in a family

Answer 4

Dr. Phil has gone downhill over the years in my opinion.  He still has a few good shows and offers some good advice, but I think in some cases he is out of line with things.

The only thing that I can think he may have meant is that the person shouldn't "expect" too much from the relationship.  If it happens, great; but it is not guaranteed.  That would hold true for any person looking for a relationship with someone.  You can't expect someone to love you or expect someone to act the way you want them to.  If you start with high expectations and nothing materializes, you would be devastated.  If you start with lower expectations and something great comes out of it, then you are in a much better situation.  

Just my 2 cents on the topic.

Answer 5

He's being realistic and honest. The definition of a mom is not this.

Answer 6

I think Dr Phil, is trying to help this person the best he can by telling her she can expect some emotion from her birth mother but not to be as close as she is with her adoptive mom. The birth mom still might feel some guilt and shame of giving her up , or just wants to stay distant so no one gets hurt.

I gave up finding my birth mom, I have a mom and thats enough for me. I hope those looking get greeted with hugs and an Im sorry. Yea its not going to take away the sting of being given up. But atlest  we know it wasnt easy for our birthmothers who had no choice.

Answer 7

So it would have been better for him to say "you're gonna meet you birth mom and it will be great and you two will hug and love each other immediately"? What a bunch of c**p that would be! The only thing a person can expect or hope for in the beginning of a reunion is some sort of friendship. (if your thinking properly) Very few have met and had a instant love connection. Love and respect have to be earned. I don't have to love her just because she gave birth to me, nor can I expect her to be head over heals in love with me. The truth of reality is some reunions are good and a parent child relationship does grow from it. But in alot of other cases there is a friendship and in some just plain hurt. So better to enter with a hope of friendship. No one has the right to expect someone to automatically love them.

Answer 8

I was adopted almost at birth. I wouldn't expect a mother/daughter relationship with my biological mom because she doesn't know me and I don't know her. It's different when reuniting than it is knowing someone from when you were born. When you're a baby you grown with a person. A bond is formed early on. Reuniting is like meeting a stranger. Some people just don't easily form strong bonds like that easily. Dr. Phil was being realistic. It would have been irresponsible for him to lead the person into thinking that reuniting with her birth mother was going to be all sunshine and lollipops. We don't give birth to our "friends" but when a child is placed for adoption and then meets their birth parents later in life (at least for me) they already have a bond formed with "parents". My mom and dad are the people who raised me and I don't think I could ever form a bond as strong as what i have with them with anyone else, even my birth parents.

Answer 9

It will take time for her to build a relationship.

Answer 10

well the thing i think he was trying to say was that the mother was probably scared to meet her child and afraid of what she might do if she becomes to close to her. she might lose her again. And i'm also guessing that the adoptive mother wouldn't like an extremely close relationship between them. I was adopted and i would take no offense from this statement. But you are right. every family is different they feel differently

Answer 11

I completely agree.  Dr. Phil is a complete nincompoop.  He doesn't act in a professional manner.  

Aside from that, nobody should decide the relationship between a birth mother and their child than the two of them.  

The birth mother is the child's mother too.  It is completely heartless to say that she is not a mother.

Answer 12

i think because the lady is now grown up...its hard to be maternal to a grown up. Its hard to bond with etc. They missed them most important years, you cant turn around at 20 years of age and someone become your mother, didnt happen for me at 8

Answer 13

I don't care much for Dr. Phil and his opinions, and I don't necessarily think he's right about this.  But he may not be entirely wrong either.

If you can fall in love with another person as an adult (your spouse, for example), there is no reason you couldn't fall in love with members of your birth family, including your birth mother.   But I don't think that the love would be "automatic," either.   Many people who grow up in their original families don't love their parents, and vice versa.  It stands to reason that some adoptees and their birth families might not find in the end that they had a whole lot in common but their DNA.

Answer 14

Thats interesting, because I've had other people, adoptees, tell me also that the most I can expect at best is friendship.

So perhaps that is all that can be expected ?

What other sort of relationship could be forged ?

eta : I meant to say I cant even get that :(

Answer 15

Maybe it is because I lived with her for a few years after reunion, maybe it is because my amom died when I was 14, maybe it is because I was lucky enough to be born to a family who really gets what the word family should mean...

My nmom IS my mom, I call her mom and I love her as much as my amom. She is my friend as well but she is my mother first and foremost.

Answer 16

Because her mother chose to turn over the "mothering" of her child to another.  She chose to not have a personal, day to day relationship with her child.  I do not consider this a reunion.  I consider it more of a meeting.  There can and hopefully will be a good relationship there -- not mother, not friend, but hopefully close, to try and experience some of the many, many relinquished moments.

Answer 17

I can understand warning someone not to get their hopes up.  To EXPECT only a mother-child relationship at this stage might be unrealistic.  Most adult adoptees searching know that they might find a grave, a denial, an acquaintance, a friend or a mother.

Does Dr. Phil also advise adults that, should their father remarry after their mother's death, all they can expect is a friendship?  That certainly didn't happen in my case.  My dad married a wonderful woman when I was 25.  Thirty years later, I can truly say that I've always thought of her as my mother.  Not my only mother, of course.  She didn't raise me, but she's been "there" for me through all of my adult trials and tribulations.

Answer 18

It is deffinitly possible that she might call her 'mom' but think about what a mom is. The things that make mom a mom is the stuff they do as you are growing up. Making you dinner, tucking you in, teaching the basics, kissing your booboo. Being an adult she will never have those experiences with her.

I am sure he also wanted to make sure her expectations weren't too high for the reunion. It is better to have your expectations exceeded because you set them lower than it is to not meet your expectations because you set them too high.

Answer 19

"Dr." Phil, like "Dr." Laura, has NO DEGREE IN PSYCHOLOGY.  Hers was a degree in English, and I'm not certain if he actually has a doctorate in anything.

There should be a law about people like this giving advice under false pretenses, in the name of entertainment.

He has NO clue about how families involved in adoption feel, and no right to tell anyone what to expect from a relationship.

Answer 20

Because Dr. Phil is pretty much an idiot.

Answer 21

Well I suppose Dr. Phil should have said you might only be able to have a relationship with her like a friend. I can understand I know that if I was ever contacted or had any type of relationship  with my birthmother. I would never see her as my mom or view her as my parent.   I imagine that some birthparents that are in reunions or if they were would be would not be comfortable with their birth child referring to them as “Mom” or “Dad”.

I also agree best to have ones expectations lower then set high. This woman had not even met her birthmother who knows how it would go, if they would even click and like each other. Just because some adoptees and birthparents have reunited and bonded well does not mean that everyone will because that is just not the case.   For him to have said this woman can except a mother/daughter relationship could set this woman up for much heartache if it didn’t happen.

Judith aka Judge Judy was a family court Judge before retiring in 1996. She has a law degree from New York law school.

Answer 22

You, know. I have no clue!! He shouldn't have said that and I don't quite understand why he did.

Answer 23

See this is what I cant grasp......what do YOU expect? You cant tell me that after not clapping eyes on your birthmother for say 20 years, you are going to reunite and have this motherly relationship with her, even though she may have gone on to have other children and a family since your adoption. It just isnt right.

I wouldnt dream of calling my birth mother "mum" or trying to become part of her family.

How can that happen?

What happens if your hopes of the perfect reunion are dashed because of high expectations?

Answer 24

Under your additional details you said a lot. Dr. Phil believes because of his education he is qualified to speak like this. He is not. Education is not a substitute for the natural bond of a child and his or her birth parents. Take it with a grain of salt. My daughter and I instantly bonded as father and daughter and she discovered a whole new world. So did I.

Answer 25

Dr. Phil also in previous years posted a picture of a couple wo had been scammed by fake people giving up their children, he posted their picture of his website, and asked people thinking of giving up their children to consider that couple.  Then that couple did twinning, and adopted TWO separte children at the same time.

I don't give much credence to Dr. Phil I must say on this topic.

Answer 26

If I understand correctly, He uses the term "Doctor" for entertainment purposes only...I don't think he is licensed to practice anywhere in the United States.

He is as much a Doctor as Judge Judy is a Judge.

Answer 27

I'm not a huge Dr. Phil fan, but he does tend to spend a lot of time talking about people's expectations of other people, situations, etc.  I didn't see the episode in question, but I'd guess that Dr. Phil meant to suggest that the adult adoptee have a reasonable expectation (friendship) with her relationship with her first mother.  If those expectations are exceeded, great.  But it's not really fair for either party to enter that reunion with unreasonable expectations, is it?