Why Hasn't She Called?

Question

I recently made contact with my older sisters adoptive father, he informed me that he would give her my information so that she can make the choice on whether or not she is going to contact me. I really got my hopes up because I want to have a sisterly relationship with her but I don't know what to except. How would you feel if you were her or me?

Answer 1

If I were her I would feel nervous, but relieved. Relieved to know that there is a part of me and my original family still out there who wants to know about me and how I am doing. Nervous because the past was so very hard and I worked even harder to overcome it. I would be afraid of the pain resurfacing again so all I ask is time.

If I were you I would feel excited to know that I have had a way to connect with a sibling that has been gone for such a long time. Hurt because she didn't try to reach out to you first nor immediately rush to the phone to call you back. I would also feel understanding because you both went through something hard and even though you want to reconnect it is something that is going to take time.

Answer 2

maybe she hasnt called because she is shy and doesnt know what to say if i were you i would contact her father and try to get in touch with her

Answer 3

I don't know how you feel, but I can guess how she does...

She's excited, confused, worried that she will hurt her parents by contacting you,worried that you won't like her,worried that she won't like you, nervous, happy, frightened.. all at the same time.

It takes time to sort out these feelings.

And all this assumes that her father has actually given her the information, because he is probably feeling worried that once she has you, and her bio family that she won't need him or his wife any longer.

Dealing with a reunion in the family is a balancing act, and requires TONS of patience, on both sides.  Feel free to vent here to us.

I hope he's given her your information, and that she contacts you soon, but give her a little time and space yet, to deal with her divided loyalties.

*hugs*  you need them!

Answer 4

You didn't say how old you are or how old she is. She is probably having a lot of mixed emotions at this point. She may not have known she had a little sister or she may have never had any thoughts of contacting her birth family. At any rate, you just have to wait it out which is never easy. Your in my prayers

Answer 5

she probably ran out of credit on her phone

Answer 6

Don't you think it is scary? Maybe no one ever told her she was adopted. Maybe her adoptive father never gave her the message. Maybe she is just afraid.

Maybe she is threatened by your existence. Maybe she is so into her adoptive family that she is afraid she would hurt them  if she contacted you.

Adoption is such a sad and terrible experience for many people. There is always the mystery of the "WHAT IF" factor.

Please don't be impatient. I am sure you would love to have this sisterly relationship. You sound so pulled together about this issue. But you are not a common person. Many adoptees really are afraid to know, especially when they are still young.

If she doesn't  contact you wait until she is an independent person and then try again.

Life is long. So is love.  You sound like you want to love your sister. There is plenty of time.

Why she was given up may be a traumatic and painful experience for her which she may not understand. This is normal. But there was a reason and it had nothing to do with her as a person, rather it was the circumstances of her birth for her mother. Who knows what that was. But it certainly was a painful decision.

It might even be that she feels jealous that you, the lucky daughter, had the good fortune to be raised by your mother. Try to imagine what that must feel like.

It is your responsibility to be the kind one. You were not given away.

I wish you love and good luck in this painful time.

Answer 7

This happened to me and it turned out that her mom guilted her into not calling me. When she was 21 I looked again and googled her and got ehr e-mail. it took about 3 mos. for her to call me. We met and now she's done again... I guess her mother found out. I hurts, but I guess it's her right.

Answer 8

This is why I don't feel its anybodies business to go in between someone searching and the person they are searching for.

Things get changed, intention doesn't get passed on, third parties can really mess things up!!

I"m so sorry. I would feel rejected If I were you, but by who? that is the question. You have no idea how the a-father of your sister feels about a relatinship between the two of you, and you have no idea what he said, or if he even told her.

I would attempt to contact her on my own. I wouldn't risk 10 more years of separation because she didn't get the "message."

Answer 9

ANY way possible that you can contact her directly?  Don't go through your father.  You are both adults and can make decisions for yourselves.

Answer 10

There are a myriad of reasons why your sister might be holding back --- many that have already been mentioned.

First and foremost, she may not be holding back -- she may not be aware you even attempted contact. The response from your sister's father indicates he might not think contact is in his daughter's best interest. At least it sounds as if he wasn't going to be doing any encouraging. If so, he likely would have said something to the effect of, "I'll have her get in touch". I could be wrong, but his response seems to have a subtle tone behind it....a tone of insecurity. Since you and your sister share the same father of origin, he may have some feelings of insecurity surrounding contact between the two of you.

If he did, indeed, pass on the message, she may be feeling overwhelmed and uncertain herself. Perhaps she was unaware that you exist. I know that my biological siblings are unaware that I exist, and I imagine learning that you have a sibling that you didn't know you had might take some getting used to.

Perhaps she wants to sort thru her thoughts before responding. At her age, it's likely that she has a family of her own, and she might want to consider how this will play out and effect her family life. There is also a time factor --- she may be exceptionally busy with her family, as most young wives and mothers are.

She may be afraid. Sometimes people are uncertain when it comes to situations like this --- uncertain of the emotional ramifications.....fearful of the unknown......

Do you have any kind of contact information for your sister that could lead you to direct contact with her, personally? I suggest a letter. Convey to her your intentions, in your own words --- not relying on a third party to convey your intent for you. A letter is a very non-invasive way to make contact and allows your sister a chance to forumulate her own feelings and thoughts without pressure. Include an e-mail address, phone number and snail mail address so that she can contact you in a way that is most comfortable to her.

I would also avoid mentioning that you would like a "sisterly" relationship with her. I don't know if she has other siblings that she was raised with, but she may have some strong feelings, one way or another, about what that means to her, and it might be detrimental to your cause. I would, instead, just say that you are interested in contact, in whatever form she feels comfortable with --- and then leave it at that. You can build the relationship in whatever manner that's amenable to you both, once contact is established. The important thing is getting contact........without that, there will be no relationship of any kind.

I wish you luck!

Answer 11

This also happened to me.

My elder sister was adopted out 5 years before me.

I am also an adoptee.

Her adoptive parents took a very long time (months) to pass on my information to her. (and we are both in our late 30's - not children - I'd laugh if it weren't so absurd!!)

And when they finally did - they presented the information with such negativity - that she took a VERY long time to reach out to me.

Adoptees have a whole heap of guilt about such things.

They are told by everyone - even complete strangers - that they should be loyal and grateful to their adoptive parents - and having contact with bio family is seen as wrong.

It's not.

It's totally the right thing to do.

Hopefully people's attitudes are slowly changing about such things.

And sadly so many adoptive parents are scared when biological family comes on the scene - as if we will kidnap them away - or something!

We are finally in contact. And it's AMAZING.

Hang in there.

Try to get a message to her somehow without the controlling adoptive parents knowing.

I wish you all the very best.

Poss. x*x

Be patient.