Why? Please help me understand...?

Question

Why do some individuals on here seem to be so angry about adoption and so critical about those that want to bring an unwanted child into their family?

Are we just to let these children live lonely lives in orphanages, foster care, on the streets, etc.

Please...help me understand. And...for adoptees...what was no negative that you just hated being adopted???

Answer 1

Adoption took away -

my mother

my father

my siblings

my history

my identity

who I looked like

my sense of self

(many of the adoptees on here are also born in the USA - where their own identity is sealed away - forever - never to be seen again)

AND - then it told me to be grateful for that - just like you have done here.

Those that come here trolling for a baby from an expectant mother - hope upon hope that that mother will give away their child to them.

What is BEST for the child - is to grow up within their bio family.

It's a fact.

All mothers should be encouraged and helped to parent - then if they can't - other options can be looked at.

It's a whole heap of pain to be given away by our mothers - why would you want to encourage that - if it doesn't totally HAVE to happen???

Those that are taken from their families - due to abuse etc - and put into foster care - are usually never part of an 'adoption plan' - they just have bad parents.

THOSE are the children that NEED a loving family - and yes - sometimes you can get an infant. (over 100,000 are waiting for loving homes)

Adoption is too often seen as a fix to a short term problem. (lack of money, age of parents)

Adoptees and birth parents receive most of the pain in adoption.

Adoptive parents mostly receive gains. (except to their hip pocket)(not ALL - we have some very knowledgeable and loving AP's on here that really GET this stuff)

The adoption agencies get ALL the gains - as adoption is BIG business in the US.

This is not about you - it's about the families that are separated - all too often.

Answer 2

Great, very complete answers here.

Can I just say, I heart you, Tax Gurl?

Answer 3

Many people have asked this and there are some excellent answers.  Do a search here on Y!A and you will find some excellent explanations.

I have never hated being adopted but I think the adoption industry is corrupt and needs a great deal of reform.  I also think every adopted person deserves access to their records.  

We as adoptees are denied our rights as American citizens every day.  That is enough to make anyone cranky.

Answer 4

I hate that society, the adoption industry, and the state considers me incompetent by the sheer reason of my adoption.  In fact they consider you that as well.  I am not against you adopting out of foster care.  I would however listen to those that have adopted out of foster care.  We have several here on the Y'Answers.  All of us know of foster parents in other forums.

I am angry that I can't make contact with my natural mother.  In fact my adoptive mother would absolutely been a better person to contact her than the agency. God only knows what that maternity home did to my mother.  I have heard stories of women being blind folded and tied to their beds.  I have heard stories of women not being fed properly.  It bugs me that it still happens to this day in maternity homes across Texas.

Answer 5

I would suggest that you do the best you can and not worry too much about negative opinions.  The thing is, children that get adopted come from greatly varying circumstances and are without their consent thrown into other greatly varying circumstances.  I have friends who were adopted into extremely disfunctional families, and I can see why they're beyond pissed.

We've adopted several children. One of them was an infant adoption, done internationally.  We found his birth family and kept in touch with them.  I used to agree that a child's place was with his/her birth parents and that if they received the proper assistance it would be ok.  Our son was given up because the father was an abuser and the mother didn't feel it was safe to keep him.  After we got contact, we sent money to support her so she could dump that man.  Since then, she's had three more children. We sent money to put them in school. One died. Another was sold because she resented that we were paying his school tuition directly  - we found out that she was spending the school money on boyfriends.  The newest boyfriend is HIV positive, and she has just tested positive as well - for both HIV and pregnancy. Now we're paying for her meds.  We've thrown plenty of money at that problem and done our best to get our son's mom involved in programs that would train her & set her up in a small business.  Her circumstances are very sad, and not her fault. Nonetheless, she did a much better thing for her son by giving him up rather than keeping him.

I have a real problem with what you said about adoptees being 'unwanted'.  In most cases, their parents do want them, very much. With all of my children, they were very much wanted by their families, but their families couldn't keep them.  I think there's a perception that adoptive parents are rather narrow minded - we adopt an 'unwanted' child and then forget all about where that child came from and that the child has a very important story before we adoptive parents  were in the picture.

And keep in mind that the adoptee gets no say in this. I've met some pretty off-putting (to use a nice word) people in adoption seminars and all I could think is 'some poor child will have to live with them'.

Answer 6

First of all, children placed for adoption are not "unwanted".  They are some of the most wanted children -- because they are cherished and wanted by their birthmothers and sometimes birthfathers, and also their adoptive parents as well.  To label a child unwanted makes me shutter.  I know you didn't mean anything by this, but we have to use positive language!

And as I am certain someone must have pointed out, there are no orphanages in the U.S.  The children who really need us are the ones in foster care -- older kids just aging out of foster care.

And, please do not take the sentiments of a few angry adoptees that frequent these boards as the typical response to adoption.  Having worked in adoptions for many years, I can tell you that is one response, and there are many others.  Most adoptees responses to their adoption are pretty balanced, a mix of positive and negative, more than I can say about lots of bio kids responses to their family.  And some responses are very positive.

Boards like this attract the radicals, and the naive, as well as those of us who just want to share and learn and educate and grow.

Answer 7

"We want those that are unwanted."

If a woman brings a baby into this world instead of choosing to abort, do you really think the child is unwanted?

Please read Ann Fessler's book, The Girls Who Went Away to get some insight into how women feel about their children that they lost to adoption. A lot of people say, "oh, but it's different today, women aren't forced to surrender their children." It is different, agencies are using different tactics to get infants to the prospective adopters so that they - the agencies, lawyers, facilitators, etc. - can turn a buck. It's a $3,000,000,000 (THAT'S BILLION DOLLARS)/year industry!

If their were so many "unwanted" children why are there so many agencies advertising for young women's babies? If these babies were so unwanted why aren't safe havens, and hospitals overflowing with infants?

The adoption industry in the US and in most countries that US adoption agencies work with overseas (or south of the border) are corrupt. Just open your eyes before you jump in with both feet.

Don't forget the resentful mothers who have lost their infants to adoption either. I mean really, am I suppose to be happy and grateful when I realize 20+ years later that the adoption "professionals" weren't so professional?

ETA: Just read Amy's comment, so I take that back, apparently agencies ARE using the same old tactics, just adding some new and improved methods to get infants. It amazes me that anyone WANTS to be part of infant adoption!

Answer 8

I was adopted and I couldn't have been happier, I had great parents and knew my bio mother, I was always glad I was chosen and thankful my bio Mom was unselfish and gave me a better life then I would have had with her. I was truly blessed.

Answer 9

First, about adoption itself.  It involves loss.  The child loses its original family.  It also loses its identity (in the case of closed adoptions and open adoptions that later close).  That loss makes adoption a complicated prospect.  Society needs to know that.  At the moment, it pretends as though that isn't true.  (And on this site, if you suggest it,  you are immediately labeled angry.  See your own question.)

Second.  I am not critical about those who adopt.  I AM critical of those who come on here, in violation of the law, soliciting for babies.  That is both illegal and unethical, and I have increasingly little patience for it.  But I, like many adoptees, had adoptive parents that I love.  I am not critical, on the whole, of those who adopt.  I simply think people need to be educated about the complexities of adoption.

Third, the children who live in orphanages and foster care, in general, are not infants.  But most people who adopt are looking for infants.  If we truly care about the kids who need homes, we should be encouraging people to take in foster children.  That's where the need is.  But many people are looking for an infant.  That suggests that for many, though not necessarily all, it's not the needs of the child that are at issue, but the wants of the prospective parents.  

As for hating being adopted?  I've already explained about loss.  About not knowing who you are or where you come from.  About the government treating you like a second class citizen at best and a criminal at worst, just for wanting access to documents that every other citizen has access to.  I don't know what else to tell you, except read some of the many books that people regularly recommend here in their answers.

Answer 10

No one here wants children to linger in foster care.  This continues to be a misunderstanding that occurs on the forum.  The facts are, however, that most people who adopt don't want to adopt one of the 120,000+ children stuck in foster care.  They'd rather have a "fresh baby."  I have nothing against adopters as a whole.  My parents adopted me, and they adopted me out of foster care, and I'm glad for that.  

I have a big problem with people who illegally solicit for children on the Internet and/or who look for mothers to give them their babies.  

What do I hate about adoption?  It's the adoption industry that treats mothers and children like manufacturers and products, respectively.  It's the laws that relegate adopted citizens to second class citizen status by treating us unequally under the law.

Answer 11

this is a classic example of 'a few bad eggs spoil the bunch'

somewhere along the lines a few adoptions have gone terribly wrong. these have set the path for others to follow and now we have a large number of adoptees that harbor anger and hurt feelings. it is a good idea that has been tainted along the way.

but not all are like that. mine isnt. i have a fantastic adoption story. i am happy and secure. i have my adoptive family and my biofamily. i couldnt ask for much more.

much anger also comes from the lack of support and cooperation from the government and agencies. we need our honest medical and heritage background. we should not be left in the dark about these things. this lapse in the systems stems many problems and creates lots of hard feelings that spill over into many other aspects.

Answer 12

I am not critical of anyone who adopts a child who truly needs a home.  Most infants do NOT fit that criteria.

Contrary to the prevailing MYTH, there are not very many infants available for adoption.  Most of the people I see trolling for babies are seeking a child for their family not a family for a child.  There is a difference.

The last statistic I saw was that there were nearly 200 couples for every single healthy white infant available for adoption.  Those babies are certainly NOT unwanted kids living on the street.  There is no such thing as a baby orphanage in this country where dozens of infants just wait for some kindhearted couple to take them home.

As an adoptee, it's offensive to see the attitudes of people trying to place their order for the perfect adopted baby like they were ordering a pizza.  "I'd like a newborn baby girl, blue eyes, high IQ, no medical problems, etc"  It's even more offensive to see the ones complaining about the costs of adoption.

If it was REALLY about helping kids, then age, race, and biological background wouldn't matter.  Instead, we see tens of thousands of older or undesirable kids languishing in foster care while couples complete a questionnaire where they list the type of child they will accept....usually newborns/infants only.

I don't know if there is a rise in infertility or if the stigma of adoption has faded but there are tons more couples seeking to adopt than in the past.  They feel ENTITLED to have someone else's child.  Adopting also seems to be a trendy way of getting a baby without ruining your figure or derailing your career with maternity leave.

My adoption was fine and I have no issues with it.  I'm not angry or bitter about my personal situation.  I'm upset with the ignorance surrounding adoption.......as evidenced in your own question.  Most of the children who are adopted are not from foster care or living on the street.  Most are babies who were taken from young, unmarried women who did not realize the resources that were available to them to help them keep their children.

Answer 13

OP you said, "Who cares if it's a money maker for the agencies and gov't, isn't it worth it? I mean, if we are worried about people making money off of us..."

Making money on the exchange of PEOPLE is tantamount to slavery. PEOPLE are not commodities, although it is handled in a very capitalist manner in the USA. Other countries have laws in place to prevent profit from taking place in adoption. It's sickening.

I am tired of people attempting to turn the injustices of adoption back on us adoptees by interrogating "what was no negative that you just hated being adopted???"  Seriously if it is BAD for even a portion of adoptees (and it is check out the stats on adoptees in the mental health, and criminal populations - disproportionally high.) Then we morally MUST do some major overhauls because it is an inhumane crime to continue subjecting families to separation. http://www.uoregon.edu/~adoption/

Answer 14

I think adoption is a beautiful act of love, it places a deeply wanted child with a family who might otherwise be unable to have the opportunity to parent. It gives the birth mother another option besides abortion, not every woman is prepared or wants to be a mother. I believe the majority of women who put their children up for adoption due so out of love for the child, they for some reason just are not capable of raising a child and want that child to have the best opportunities life has to offer. I am sure all adoption arrangements aren't successful, just as all natural parent child relationships aren't a success story. In the end, life is what we choose to make it. In the words of the great Maya Angelou, "I forgive my parents for everything, and blame them for nothing". As a mother of a biological 16 year old daughter, who has made my own fair share of mistakes, I can truly appreciate this statement. We do the best we know how, and when we know better, we do better. The adopted friends I have are grateful for the loving families they have, and feel blessed that their birth parents loved them enough to do what must have been the most difficult decision of their lives... part with their own flesh and blood. Not a decision a mother takes lightly. God bless adoptive parents and the parents who are unready, but choose not to abort or later murder and/or neglect the children they were unprepared to rear.

p.s. I make this post as a supporter of a woman's right to choose.

Answer 15

Well, I think it's a blessing to be adopted if you're not wanted.  At least I think so.  Because think about it, would you rather be adopted and loved, or neglected or abused by a family who wanted to set you up anyway?  Now, I'm not saying they'd be mean to you, but maybe it was a wrong time for them even.  Maybe they just couldn't find it in them to be able to handle the responsibility that comes with the blessing of a child.  But at least they wanted the best for you.  That, or they didn't want you because they just didn't want to take on the consequences that came with their s*x they had.

I'm sorry if anyone disagrees or if I offended anyone.  I really am. But I'm just trying to be possitive.

Answer 16

"Are we just to let these children live lonely lives in orphanages, foster care, on the streets, etc."

They ARE - the kids who really need adoption, who really need a home are being left behind because alot of the potential adopters are sitting on waiting lists for a child that meets their list of pre-requisites!

Sealed records also give adoptees the status of second class citizens who are dangerous in some way, even though they have done nothing wrong, they are treated with suspicion - so much so that the State does not trust us with our own information.   Talk about STIGMA!

Yes these things and a whole host of others make me ANGRY, and I don't think it is undjustified in the slightest

Answer 17

first i'm an adoptive mother.  from my perspective you are getting such strong emotional responses because you are using the word "unwanted"  children.  my daughter, whom i adopted, was never unwanted.  she may have not been planned by her other family but she was and never will be unwanted.  it personally bothers me to think that you are under the thinking you are "saving"  a child.  lets get to the basics of adoption.  in my case, or really my daughters, her other mother situation made her feel as though she could not provide for another child and she through lots of couseling and many other options presented to her, that i asked for her to look at, still choose an adoption plan for our daughter.  and yes she is both of our's.  we are both her mother.  you can't ever forget this.  no matter what this woman was going to place this child for adoption.  but she was not unwanted or being rescued.  her other mother is a very good person, just was in a bad situation and felt and believed she had no other option to provide the best she could for her child.  i did not rescue this child from anything.  i wanted to be a mother more than anything, and this was the only way i could.  i choose to bring this child into my life and my home and no matter what brought her to me, she is my child and my own.  but i choose an open adoption with visits and constant contact not only between the two families but one that involved contact with my daughter and her other family too.  this is her story and i didn't feel i had a right to say who she knows and who she doesn't as long as the individuals are not harming her in any way.  and so i choose to adopt her because her other mother and i are a good fit for one another.  and all i can do is hope i've done what i can to make a tough start to life the best i can for her.  if anything this little girl rescued me and my family.  but all in all i am the adult and i will not place my emotional well being and happiness all on her to provide, i am her mother and act like the best one i know how.  she was not doomed to a life of lonelyness or poverty.  if you're going out to adopt a child or especially an infant with the thoughts of "saving" a child, you need to honestly rethink.  yes there are children, and too many out there that have horrific home lives and do not need to be with the parents they are with.  but when you start talking about international adoptions if you really do your research you will find that the mothers of these children were for the most part honestly forced into the adoption, much like this country did not but 30 years ago to unwed, young women.  this is not so much the case now, but it does still take place and all too often.  i choose someone who i made sure knew her options, many woman are not given enough support or allowed to know how many options are out there for them, and made sure she was as aware as i could provide her of what placing her child for adoption meant.  and to be honest here, i'm not a saint, it wasn't just for her own knowledge, it was for my own protection as an adoptive mother as well.  i wanted to be a parent more than i wanted to be pregnant, and i choose adoption to build my family.  but i educated myself as much as i could about the process from both sides, and found an agency that not only supported my beliefs  but supported the mother placing her child as well.  i hopefully will be blessed again, and will take the same steps i did the first time.  and maybe even more because i try to continue to educate myself about adoption.  but i do understand where you are coming from in your question.  there are many here who seem so very angry and will upset you.  all you can do is take their responses as something learned and continue to educate yourself.  and that by adopting you are not rescuing an unwanted child.  my child and most children that are placed for adoption were never unwanted and never will be.  keep in mind that someone's heart had to break so yours could be full.  it's tough, and i struggle with what my daughter's other mother must feel, especially around her birthday.  there is nothing i can say to her to make her feel better, because what is brining her so much pain is what makes me so very happy.  we are two women who have the same daughter, and are so very similiar.  but we will never understand how the other feels, or even how our daughter will feel as she grows.  all we can do is come together to give our daughter the best start to life we can.  because adoption should be and needs to be focused on that child and what truely is best for them.

Answer 18

Just an f.y.i: I was not "unwanted", so please check yourself. My mother made life choices that unfortunately prevented her from parenting me, but in noway was I unwanted! Yes, i think the money aspect for adoption needs to be controlled. One, reason it is very expensive to adopt. I mean come on, $30,000 to adopt a baby?! Really, i feel that the adoption agencies are taking advantage of the PAP's and because of the money some(and i stress some) birth mothers are made to put up their babies.

Answer 19

Adoption is a good option for people who can't take care of their baby. I think that it is good because I am thinking of adoption as good vs abortion. There are so many loving parents who cry all the time wishing for a baby and there are so many people who pop out babies unwanted.. what is wrong with this picture.. for those few lucky kids who parents don't murder them they have a real chance to thrive in a home of someone who does want them.