Why Would Adopters Want the Mother out of the Child's Life?

Question

Someone on this forum wrote that adopters go out of the country to adopt to avoid dealing with the mothers of their children

Is this true? How sad

Answer 1

selfishness, they might also adopt out of the country because it is easier.

Answer 2

In my experience, I do not want my child seeing her birth mother, but she is also on drugs and selling her body. Most parents raise their kids to know them as Momma & Daddy, and when the Birth mother comes around, the child gets confused.

Answer 3

While this may be part of the reason some people choose international adoption, I don't think this applies to most. This had nothing to do with our decision to adopt internationally, and most of the adoptive parents I know feel the same way.

I think some prospective adoptive parents are scared by the "stories" of biological parents returning years later to reclaim their child. While most of these stories are embellished or untrue, I think that these adoptive parents are so afraid of loosing the child that they love and waited so long for that they overlook the fact that if it is possible to be in contact with the child's "first-mother", then it's usually bennificial for the adoptee.

Personally, not having contact, and having limited information about our children's first-mothers was the one major down side of us adopting internationally.

Answer 4

While it is reasonable to tell the child at his rightful time and age that he is adopted and should seek help in doing this, there is no reason to bring the biological mother into the child's life.

And people try to say it's best for the kid. What happens to kids who live with their parents, let's say, five or ten years then the parents divorce? Most often they end up with a depression and often commit suicide.

What will happen to a child who is growing up and finally realize he is adopted and then having to meet the biological mother? It's not normal in a child's life to be in that situation. Considering that most elementary bullies often pick on kids with these kind of life styles.

And here it doesn't matter what the adopting parent needs or even what the biological mother wants. What's important is the child's felicity.

Answer 5

Because if they get close with the child, they don't want the mother interfering, especially if the child is older (3-8, doesn't matter) and is aware of who his mom is. They feel the child might be more attached to thier mother.

Answer 6

We adopted internationally BUT only through a program that would allow us to have an open adoption and maintain contact with our childs family. Our sons mother passed away, but we do keep in contact with his father and siblings. We send letters and photos regularly and will visit every other year. They are 90kms from the nearest phone and there is a language barrier (our letters are sent through a translator we arranged) otherwise we'd be calling too. They will always be his family and we have grown to love them very much.

Our decision to adopt internationally had nothing to do with wanting distance from our sons natural family, actually that was something we considered to be a negative about international adoption. We just really felt our son was in Ethiopia. I actually work coordinating humanitarian aid for his region so there is a strong chance we will move out there for a few years when he is older, which will allow for much more frequent contact, which is something both his Ethiopian family and us want.

Answer 7

I have an open adoption with my son's natural mother. We have a great relationship. My intention is for her to be in his life forever. We see each other every couple of months. It would probably be even more if we lived closer together.

However, we've had issues with her mother, my son's maternal grandmother. She recently got out of prison and harasses my son's natural mother all the time. She wants my son out of spite to my son's natural mother. She tried to hire a lawyer and convince my son's natural mother that she was coerced into giving him up. It's quite crazy because she has her own 11 year old son that is still in foster care, and my son's natural mother grew up in foster care. The even more crazy thing is that my son's natural father is her drug dealer. It's going to be very difficult on how to discuss this with my son when he is old enough to start asking questions. Thank goodness he has such a good relationship with his natural mother.

I'm not trying to bad mouth my son's family either so please don't think that.  All this information comes from my son's natural mother and I believe her 100%.

After going through all this, it made me consider international adoption. Maybe that is selfish, but it's been so painful and stressful. Also, just last night, I spoke with my son's natural mother. It breaks my heart that she does not have a mom and dad like me to spend Thanksgiving with. It's just so hard and so depressing. Not to mention the guilt I feel having her son with me on Thanksgiving. Even though this is right where she wants him to be, I still feel guilty.

I decided I will stick with the same agency for our next adoption, but these are the reason's maybe other people experience for wanting to do international or a closed adoption.

Don't forget too that many natural mothers choose closed adoption. My agency goes strictly on what the natural mother wants. My son's natural mother is the only one who has chosen this open of an adoption. The other natural mother's(my agency has had 5 natural mothers) have chosen closed adoption, or semi open adoption.

Answer 8

I have seen that quite often.  I also hear that it is easier to adopt internationally as well.  

I do see adoptive parents waking up though.  A great deal of it is because they are hearing us.  They are wanting our records just as badly for us.  So we are making a dent.

Answer 9

My son's adoptive mother had my name and my mothers name (and probably other contact information) from the day my son was adopted at 3 days old. She contacted me when my son turned 21 and then wanted to know different aspects of my medical history to see if it would explain things that my son experienced when he was 7, 13, 15, etc. A bit late in the game, but I guess she needed sole ownership of him for all of those years to really bond with him first.

I think that kind of behavior is based on fear, lack of empathy, lack of adoption education.

Answer 10

I have no idea.  My mother encouraged and helped me search for both of my birthparents.

Answer 11

it actually easier

Answer 12

Being in the intenational adoption "community", I have to say that this is true sometimes.  We personally chose to adopt internationally because it is a more predictable process, but we intentionally chose a program with as much birthparent connection as possible.   Our adoption is a semi-open adoption.  We show our 2 year old daughter pictures of her first family all the time and she recognizes them from pictures.  We hope to be able to arrange another meeting with them (we met once) when we travel again to our daughter's birth country in a few years.

Answer 13

I can't understand why an adopter would want the birth mother out of the childrens' life.

We are in the process of becoming approved for adoption and are looking at adopting a sibling group.  Even though the children will have been removed from the birth parent/s due to neglect or abuse I feel it is still important that my adopted children know their parents.  If social services deem it appropriate there will be a degree of contact between the birth family and the children, either indirect in the way of letters or by direct meetings.  The birth parents don't get to know where the children are living, the meetings are usually at a neutral place and overseen by social workers and letters are sent to and from social services.

Surely it is in the childs best interests to know their background and know their birth parents?

I certainly believe it is.

Answer 14

I have no idea, I've been trying to get her involved in his life for 2 years and she wants nothing to do with him. It makes me feel so sad and rejected.

Answer 15

i believe these are probably the same type of people who invented "gotcha" day.....

Answer 16

Weeme-said exactly what i need to say. My parents too helped me search and encouraged a relationship with my birth family. So i really wouldn't know.

Answer 17

They don't want the birth mother to try to contest it later and take their child and that won't happen if you get a child out of the country they are to poor so once they decide that is it

Answer 18

Some folks have said that's exactly why they do it.  I've seen this expressed as a fear that an American first mother would somehow be able to snatch the child back years later, long after a legal adoption would have finalized.  Yet if they researched this, they'd find that high-profile adotive custody cases where the child leaves the adoptive home after years are ones in which the adoption was never legal and the "adoptive parents" have fought for years to keep a child they have no legal right to (Anna Mae He, for example).

I can't blame them if they feel insecure, but I also can't discount that some may be just plain selfish: unwilling or unready to let go of the old "as if born to" school of adoption that lets them cut the first parents out of their and their child's lives without a thought.  Reform takes time.

But it is sad.  I think we should all know better than that by now.  Adoptions should be done in the true best interest of the child or not at all.