Why all of the hate for adoptive parents?

Question

I have noticed alot of hate on this forum for A parents.

I myself am adopted child and yes I went thru alot wondering about my birth family. I did search. I was reunited and it turned out good.

I have now adopted my step daughter. I did not set out to steal her away form her bio mom. She was REMOVED from her bio mom after her bio mom repeatedly endangered her life.

After we got custody, I tried keeping her bio mom in her life. I had her spend weekends in my home (this is my husband's ex g/f remember). I helped her find a good job and an apartment. We gave her food when she had none. I got into many arguments with my hubby when he wanted ot exclude her form the child's life.

Then one day bio mom says she wants me to adopt the cihld and PAYS for half of it. Then not a month after the adoption is final she leaves state with her new man and changes her number, knowing the baby has medical problems that can be life threatening.

Yet I am the bad guy as the A mom WHY?

Answer 1

You're not the bad guy.  I'm so sorry.  I do have a lot of strong feelings about adoption as an adoptee.  You were SURE, absolutely POSITIVE, that your daughter's mother didn't want her.  That wasn't a question...I can read it in your story and I have so much respect for you.

Not everyone (maybe noone?) feels like I do and that's okay.  I don't think you're the 'bad guy'.  You have done (and are doing) a great thing, in my opinion.

Sometimes, when I voice my opinions and get 'snarked' for it, I just get tired of all the back-and-forth and I go away for awhile.  That usually helps but I feel what I feel and I usually end up back in here again, saying my peace.

When I say I'm against adoption, that's a generality.  Think of it like this: I wish adoption didn't NEED to exist but I acknowledge that it does and is often the best option in a specific case.  Not all mom's (first, second, natural, adopted, whatever) want their children.  That certainly seems to be the case with your daughter's bio-mom.  What I read here is that you bent over backward to keep her involved and she just wasn't having it.  

Please don't think I 'hate' adoptive parents (mine or anyone elses)...I truly don't.  I love mine with all my heart.  The fact that adoption is necessary is what breaks my heart.  The fact that your daughter's bio-mom didn't want to stay involved sucks.  You are doing the absolute best thing you can for her...and from what I read, having it turn out this way was not your first choice.

Blessings to you.  I hope your daughter (and you, and your husband) have the best life!  You are a beautiful person in my eyes.

Answer 2

No matter what, there will always be someone to find fault with what you do.  When I come here, I always think of this:

http://www.bartleby.com/17/1/62.html

Answer 3

I don't hate my parents at all.

What I say on here has nothing to do with how my APs raised me.

When I talk about my mother's grief and loss, I'm talking about HER. Not my adoptive home, not my adoptive siblings, not my adoptive parents, not my adoptive culture. NONE of that. I'm talking about HER specifically.

When I talk about my [adoptive] mom's happiness and acknowledgement, you can be d**n sure I speak of her with pride. Again, she has nothing to do with my feelings regarding my mother.

Those two people require two different perspectives. I don't think about one while I discuss the perspective of the other. I separate them in my mind.

I love them both but my reflections and defence of BOTH my moms remains specific depending on which perspective I write about.

Answer 4

You sure dont sound like the bad guy to me. You sound like a hero. A hero for rescuing that child from his/her real bad mom. Keep up the good work as I am sure you a re wonderful mother to that child.

Answer 5

Every situation is different and I don't see hatred but anger at a specific "subset" of adoptive parents. And rescuing a child (and in this case your husband's child) from an abusive situation is  so very different from paying $$$ for a newborn from an adoption agency [where the agency is doing their hardest to (1) convince a mother that she is unfit when she isn't, (2) convince her that her baby "needs more", (3) convince her that becoming a mother will ruin her life, (4) get her to "bond" with a pair of total strangers so she'll feel totally obligated to "give them her baby" once it's born because she's hurt them otherwise -- in other words, do all they can to get her to surrender her baby].

Because of a consumer demand for newborn infants, these agencies and questionable practices exist because agencies and lawyers make huge amounts of money (upwards of $10,000-$25,000) on each transaction.  And some adoptive parents accept coercive practices as "reasonable" as long as they get the baby.  That is why there is some amount of anger.  

Plus, in general terms, we natural mothers would not have lost our babies if there hadn't first been a "consumer demand" for them.  Infant adoption rose post-WWII when a demand for newborn infants rose.  It was all about meeting that demand -- old social worker tomes speak at length about the "social problem" of unhappy married couples who "couldn't start a family."

Answer 6

who says they hate their adoptive parents? Are u confusing those who want reforms, so adoptive parents and birth parents are not taken advantage of, or open records as hating adoptive parents. i was reunited with my b-family, and it didn't make me hate my a-parents. or any other adoptee who is for open records hate their a-parents.

Answer 7

understood.

except most aparents are not interested in adopting "children who NEED homes", yet want healthy babies, from healthy mommies who could parent it they had resources. the "druggie, sick, inept birthmother myth" only helps to rationalize seperating healthy babies, from their healthy mommies, for profit.  this is what most are 'hatin' on.'

Answer 8

We need more people like you..Don't worry you did a good thing and God see you and what's in your heart. May God bless you and your Family and cont. doing what right

Answer 9

It's not hate towards adoptive parents, but rather hate at the fact that your parents gave you away and you don't know why. It is even worst when your adoptive parents hid the truth from you for a prolonged period of time, then you develop hate towards them. I have seen a few cases like that in my family, and the best thing you can do if you are an adoptive parent is just to tell the child the truth, and expect the reaction so you can deal with it. It is not easy, but I think it is worse to keep the truth from the child. It's a very delicate situation. I wish you the best of luck, and you do a great job, you are very generous and that holds nothing but respect for you, knowing that you do an act of the heart. God bless you.

Answer 10

bio mom is a b*tch.

you saved that childs life.

kudos to you!!

Answer 11

Who called you a bad guy?

Sounds like you need a hobby.

Yoga might fit the bill.

Answer 12

i haven't been coming here much lately until the last couple of days after a long break. So i'm not sure what "hate" you're talking about.

I don't believe in adoption because it violates the adoptees rights, but that has little to do with adoptive parents to some degree. I mean the entitlement bothers me and the market driven to fullfill their needs bothers me too, but that can be changed through laws and public education..... I love mine.