Why am I feeling this way? (Delayed wedding, wierd feelings toward fiance)?

Question

So yesterday we had to decide to put our wedding plans on hold as my fiance has yet to find a job in his field (he has recently graduated and we thought he'd have a job by now). We are waiting until he gets a job to set an official date (again, as we had a date before but dont want to plan while only assuming he'll get a job) but I am pretty down about it. The thing is, I understand that I am upset about the wedding and the fact that it may be 2-3 years until it can happen now - but I am also feeling very apathetic and cold towards my fiance. I know I love him, but I just cant seem to work up any desire to be near him, or talk to him or anything like that. Im not mad at him, I'm just dissapointed about having to move the wedding back, so I dont understand why I'm feeling this way towards him. Does anyone have any idea why? Thanks guys..

Answer 1

you're disappointed, maybe the both of you  had high expectations about  him getting a good job in his field, maybe you're blaming him without even realizing it. Is it that you want that fairy tale wedding, or that you feel he wont be able to support you. if that's no the case then why not just have a nice intimate wedding.?

Answer 2

Disappointment is a powerful feeling, and you have just had a huge disappointment.  

Marriage is full of ups and downs.  Why exactly is it that you can't get married?  Because he's unemployed?  Granted, it would be more comfortable to get married when he has a job, but why is that going to take 2-3 years?  You could have an inexpensive wedding, or a small wedding and still get married.  He could find any kind of a job just for something to do, while he is looking for the "real" job.  

I suspect it is not his unemployment, but rather his lack of desire to get married that is bothering you.  If I suspected someone didn't want to get married, or was that easily thrown off from the idea, I wouldn't want to be with them, either.

Answer 3

Allow yourself some mourning time because disappointment is absolutely expected now.  Just be sure to tell him that you just need some time to pout but that you totally understand why some waiting time is necessary.  If you seem pouty and depressed, you'll get over it and his patience is appreciated.  (Do NOT blame him or be passive-aggressive.)

It will most likely fade in a few more days or weeks.  Until then, not sure if this will help, but you could perhaps start brainstorming alternatives.

Remember, meaningful weddings do NOT have to be expensive, and certainly don't have to wait until he's employed.  Can you have a court wedding followed by an awesome BBQ at your house with a huge trivia game?  Can you buy a gorgeous gown on eBay and have a friend do the flowers and photos?

But to answer your question, have the mourning time be your own time so he doesn't feel guilty or resentful.  And I wouldn't give yourself much longer than a week or so.  Then move on and make some exciting plans!

Answer 4

If you truly want to marry him, you would do it regardless of whether he is working or not. Just plan the type of wedding you two can afford, just a simple ceremony and family dinner.

I hope you aren't feeling resentful towards him - maybe you are thinking he doesn't have ambition or drive, perhaps? Usually if a man can't find employment in his specific field, he will take ANY job just to be earning. Are you concerned that you may have to support him? Would that be a problem if it happened to be that way?

Answer 5

I'm sorry to hear about you having to delay your wedding. That's a bummer. My guess is, you're just dissapointed. Go out with your girl friends, go get lunch, go to the mall and find yourself a new outfit, go take a bubble bath. RELAX. You probably need just a little time to yourself to think things out and get over the initial dissapointment of not having your wedding as soon as you planned, not to mention that you were morelikely than not, stressed out about putting on a wedding in the first place! I know I was when I was planning mine. As far as your fiance goes, try to make a concious effort to turn your apathetic feelings, into empathetic. How do you think he feels? Can you imagine how dissapointed he must feel that y'all had to put off you wedding? Even worse, how must he feel knowing that he has dissapointed you? That's enough to kill a man. Not to mention that I'm sure he's now feeling insecure about how well he'll be able to take care of a family. I've been married for almost a year now, and let me tell you--- there are some days where I dont want to be near my husband. Your feelings are completly normal. Take some time to yourself, but also be sure that you let him know that no matter what happens, that you will be by his side through the ups and the downs. Marriage isnt easy. You're going to go through ups and downs in any relationship. Marriage is the hardest job you'll ever have, and you dont get paid.... but it's the best job to. Men need reassurance just as much, if not more than women do. They are hardwired to want to take care of their familys to the best of their ability... and when you're upset about somthing, their heart crumbles. Focous on building your fiance back up! He needs more love right now than most times. Sure, you're going to be dissapointed, but it's just a ceromony and a peice of paper. It's exciting, dont get me wrong. My wedding day was the best day of my life thus far... But when you break it down, it's really just a peice of paper (among religious beliefes, if you're religious and in that case it means much more, but if that's the case then rest assured that God knows where your heart is). And look---- This is such a small problem you're having. Sure, it's dissapointing, but you have to get over this molehill that's in your way because trust me, there are mountains ahead. Your fiance needs love right now. He needs to know that even through the tough times that you'll be by his side no matter what life throws in your way! But dont be afraid to take some time to yourself either, but be sure your fiance knows that that's all you're doing and that you're not having second thoughts or something like that. If you go to the mall, pick up a little something for him... If you're going to walmart, pick up a movie that he's been wanting, or a series of a show that he likes. He needs you right now. TALK TO HIM. Communication is vital in a marriage. It's like water or air. You need to be able to openly speak about your feelings. Let him know that you're dissapointed about not being able to get married to him as soon as you'd like to--- that you're so pumped, and so ready and so excited to start your life together, as one, that it was just dissapointing. But you have to let him know that you're not dissapointed in him.

Good luck. I hope things work out for you the way you had planned, but if they dont, keep your head up. It seems like a huge problem now, but life goes by so fast and theres more problems ahead, so take life in stride. It's not worth it to rush. This year that my husband and I have been married seems like a blink of an eye. It has flown by. Take your time with him... Be patient. Good luck to you both!

Answer 6

It sounds like you could be just a tad bit depressed about the whole thing.  To keep your eye on the goal and to remind yourself that it will eventually happen maybe you could start doing some lite planning.  Maybe you could go ahead and make your wedding website, but not let anyone know you have one or pick a wedding venue.  Times are tough right now.  Lots of qualified people are having a hard time finding a job.  Trust in God though and you will be okay.

Answer 7

you'r mad at the situation but not at him and its causing you to take it out of him....this sounds normal but be careful.  im sure he feels bad as it is so please dont add insult to injury.

Answer 8

You can't be upset at him for making smart financial choices. If he is working towards getting a job then he is doing everything he can. You should be supportive and happy he is trying.

Answer 9

It's because you want to get married and you resent him for being the reason why you can't. If you really love him and it's about getting married then invite 20 people to a church and go to a fancy restaurant for the reception. If it's more about having a "wedding" then find someone else because I don't think you'll be with this guy in 2 to 3 years.