Why am I so depressed for not having children?

Question

I have posted this subject alot but reading answers from different people helps me cope for a while. I am terribly depressed because my wife and I havent had kids. I am 35 she is 37. We both were scared as I know everyone is. We had and have the perfect world to bring kids into. Big family. Free babysitting. All that good stuff. We both have always loved kids, it wasnt that at all, we just put it off. We are trying now, but I worry so much about our age, our parents ages, what I could have already done with a child, the past 8 or so years that have gone by without a kid. A kid losing parents and grandparents too young, etc. I just feel my life is over at 35. I am now causing other problems because I am so depressed all the time. My wife is tired of me crying to her about it and I totally understand. I dont fault her for that. Our marriage is strong, but I am definitely not helping. She is not against trying for a kid, we both just dont know if it is right now. I need more advice.

Answer 1

So get testing for you both and check into fertility meds. Instead of getting upset, do something about it.

Answer 2

You need to talk to a professional about this.  I think counseling would help you a lot.

I went to counseling for a miscarriage and it helped me tremendously.  My husband and I had been trying for over 5 years and then I miscarried.  I had a very difficult time dealing with it.  After getting some therapy, I was able to get my life back on track, and ended up getting pregnant again.

I really suggest you do this for yourself and for your relationship.  There are also support groups for people having trouble conceiving.

Being depressed and complaining or worrying about it so much is not going to do any good.

Answer 3

No one is possibly ever ready to have children regardless of your age or perfect circumstances. Don't be silly. For goodness sakes, do you know how many people with children are lacking the things that you could help them with? Well, I don't think very many people have it all. You either have all the good stuff and struggle about children or you have all kinds of children and little of the good stuff. It's usually the wife who becomes depressed over not having children. For another thing, even if you do try - you don't know if you will ever conceive or conceive naturally. You just stop doing things to prevent the possibility and let nature take it's course. Knowing the timing of ovulation of course helps so that you are allowing for the possibility at the right time of the month. Some people try for 10 years and nothing - and then they stop trying and boom. Well, once you are pregnant then you know it is right now don't you? Sometimes, putting off having children to get the rest of your life "in perfect order" just means potential disappointment. Also remember that everything may not always be in perfect order for you - especially after having children! You will find that they require more sacrifice, more $, more of YOU than you ever dreamed. Nothing in life will be the perfect world for you any longer. Children are one of the biggest life changes and for alot of people there is a ton of underlying fear about how life will change because it's easy to get comfortable in a lifestyle that doesn't include them. Why change what is comfortable and easy? You won't go out as much, you won't vacation as often, you'll be running around for and after them constantly. Your family will want you to do this and that and you won't always be able to anymore. Plus do remember that people are having children later in life these days so it's not like you're close to the end of your years in being able to have them - on the other hand you probably don't want to be 85 and going to one of their weddings either! Now is the time or you wouldn't be feeling so depressed about it. Your wife if she is not opposed to children should be understanding about this and give it a chance. But, you don't know if you will ever have kids unless they happen - so remember to keep your heart and life open to the possibilities. There are so many beautiful and intelligent children who only need to be given a chance to enter that "perfect world" you've created because they have been abused, neglected or given up by irresponsible parents. Just because a child doesn't share your genetic material doesn't mean you can't share your hearts. We have 3 and one on the way and we started at age 33 and 42. But #4 finishes it for us after 5 years!

Answer 4

There is no way you are too old to try for a baby now.

Many people are waiting until later to have children,to make sure they are financially ready to bring a child into the world.I happen to think it is a very good idea.

I had my first child at 21 and although at the time I felt mature enough for the responibility,looking back I know I wasn't.My partner at the time and I eventually split as it was a huge strain financially and I have nothing but guilt that my daughter has come from a broken family,through no fault of her own.

On the other hand I had my 2nd child 13 years later at the age of 35.

My husband and I were together 10 years before having him.

We were completely ready to start a family together and although I was slighly aphrehensive about our age,I really feel it was the right decision.We have a nice home,financially,were fine and I feel so much more mature this time round as parent hood should not be taken lightly,it is such a responsibility.

So I am all for starting a family later on in life.

The child's grandparents or yourelves won't be too old to enjoy the child/ren at all.

I say go for it.

I think you need to get positive,get out of your depression and start a family.It is a little harder after 40 and there are slight risks involved,but that's all they are,risks.

Since my son was born 19 months ago I sadly have suffered 2 miscarriages,but we do plan to have another baby and as I am 36 now,i will be around 37 or so when hopefully I will be having my next and I don't feel too old.

Good luck and go for it !