Why are adoptees who say they have no issues and don't want to find their bio family treated so badly on here?

Question

In reading q/a in here it is apparent that if you don't have issues and don't have a desire to find bio's that it seems most do not want your opionion. When anyone answers that in there case they are happy or are not slamming the system they automaticilly recieve thumbs down. Why is their opionion not read with the same open mind that those with the opposite opion are. ex., on q asked why did you or why didn't you look for your bio's, wanted personal reasons. Everyone that said they had no desire were qiven thumbs down, while those that looked or wanted to were given thumbs up. Those that don't want to have their reasons and just because they are content in their lives or don't want to look does not make them wrong. It is their feelings and reasons. Just because someone is of a different opion does not make them wrong. Silly me I thought that the thumbs down should be for when an answer doesn't answer the question or is very rude and hurtful, not just because it differs from anothers.

Answer 1

why are you here? they "say" only the ones with issues go to adoption forums.

You say you're issue free? have you adopted? are you looking into adoption? why would someone who's content with being adopted want to be here talking with us who its scarred?

If you're cool with it...cool. I don't have a problem with that.

Answer 2

It seems the "I'm a special snowflake" syndrome is coming out again.

Everyone has another group hassling them in the adoption section here on Yahoo!Answers.  Seriously.  There is no one that has it good and is sitting pretty not getting mud slinged at them.

Biological parents who are content or happy with placing their child for adoption are pooped on by those who are not happy or content with their decision to relinquish... or those who are discontent with the adoption industry.  Hurtful things are said to these people.

Biological parents who are not content or happy with placing their child for adoption are pooped on by those who are pro-adoption, by those who take issue with coersion vs personal responsibility, by those who have had positive relinquishments, etc...  Hurtful things are said to these people.

Biological parents period despite their experience are pooped on by those who resent people who get pregnant on accident, or by those who think poorly of those who would never consider ever abandoning their children.  Hurtful things are said to these people.

Adoptive parents who adopt domestic infants are pooped on by those who see exploitation of the adoption industry, by those who have had adoptive parents that should never have been allowed to adopt, etc... Hurtful things are said to these people.

Adoptive parents who adopt internationally are pooped on by those who are ethnocentristic, those who are hurt by the idea of not wanting birthfamily involvement, etc... Hurtful things are said to these people

Adoptive parents regardless of their path are pooped on by society for not biologically creating their own young like normal freaking people.  Hurtful things are said to these people.

Adoptees who are happy and content are pooped on by adoptees who are not.  Hurtful things are said to these people.

Adoptees who are not happy and content are pooped on by adoptive parents, society, and those who are pro-adoption.  Hurtful things are said to these people.

Adoptees regardless of their situation are pooped on by society, by those who regard adoption in very poor light, by family members who don't consider them real, etc...  Hurtful things are said to these people.

Those that say the hurtful things have various justifications as to why they think the things they do.  We *all* have to suffer someone thinking poorly of us whatever our situation.

We are all special snowflakes and we all have people smacking us down with words, opinions and silly voting thumbs.

Answer 3

I don't thumbs down anyone for saying they have no issues.  What's the big deal about that?  I will thumbs down someone who is *condescending* toward those who state that they do have issues, simply because I want the same respect.  

Aside from that, my thumbs down are normally given for people who just give a barely related, sarcastic answer, or for people who give answers that are erroneous with regard to adoption law.

Whether or not a person has issues doesn't play into my decision to thumbs down.  I leave plenty (probably the majority) of answers with no thumbs at all.  But, I have rarely had an answer of mine not receive at least one.  This even goes for my answers that are almost entirely comprised of stating adoption law as it stands.  I figure that  if someone wants to disagree with the law, perhaps they should take it to the legislature, but they seem content to just give a thumbs down on Y!A instead.  Oh, well.  I know my answer is accurate when I'm stating law, so it's no skin off of my nose.

Answer 4

As I've said, several times in this 'community' of Y!A, I don't get hurt by other people's comments.

If you're so resolute in your feeling that you have NO ISSUES about being given up by your mother, raised by a family you're not related to, have been cut off to your history and clan with laws that prohibit you from finding anything out, why on Earth would some thumbs down, and opinions that differ from your own bother you at all?

That's a conundrum that doesn't compute in my brain.  I don't care if I'm not 'agreed with' because in my 43 years as an adoptee, 20 as a reunited daughter, I have no doubts that I am right.  Not a one.

I may disagree with other adoptees on small points, but we agree on the big ones.  We are a group of highly intelligent, rational people who are brave enough to THINK past the politically correct propaganda so prevalent in American society.  Should you ever decide to 'come out', we'll be here waiting for you, no hard feelings.

Answer 5

Somebody who agrees with my atlast!!! yeh.

I have noticed the same thing on here and its really pissing me off. It seems like we get bullied for no having issues and then turned against for voicing our opinion! Its hypocritical. I can guess that we have the most thumbs down too. We get told that we are telling people how to feel, but yet if we have no issues then we are told that we must be hiding our feelings or something. Its all wrong. Its all favourtised within the little school yard groups on this topic.

Pathetic.

GERSHOM if that was for me. I am adopted. I have 3 kids. I dont have issues. are you saying that this forum is for people with issues only? Just because I have no issues with my adoption, it doesnt mean that I cant have "opinions" not "issues" about topics relating to adoption.

I can have my say just like everyone else on here.

Answer 6

I have noticed this too, which is why I stopped coming to this forum for a long time. There are a certain percentage of people who do not want to hear the positives about adoption, and just want to whine about how hard their life is and how they feel like they dont fit it.

I consider myself very lucky to have been raised by my parents. Sure we do argue and we disagree on pretty much everything. But I love them and they love me - and they are my parents no matter what anyone says. I will also admit that at times I have thought about looking for my birth parents, but to be honest it was never a really strong feeling and was usually the result of a teenage arguement with my Mum and Dad.

A parent to me is not a pissed-up student who forgot about contraception at a new-years party

Answer 7

I haven't checked out this area of 'answers' to notice that yet...if that is the case I feel you & that shouldn't be happening since that's not right.

I really don't have any major 'issues' with being adopted however the subject matter still interests me & my points should be held to be just as valid as any other adoptee.  It doesn't mean that 'issues' don't strike a cord at times but for the most part I can be content with my situation.

Answer 8

Yeah Daisy I have never even got it. When one posters say if you don’t have issues why are you here?  I have said quite a few times that we’re here to give our side of the story, to read others opinions, to attempt to help people who have questions. YA is not a support group, so if someone has major Issues over their adoption this is really not the place for it. They can join an adoptee support forum board.  These is a community for people to ask questions and hopefully get some insightfully advice and answers.  

I’ve said many times I don’t mind both sides of the story (good and bad, the in between) that is important.  I have a feeling there are some who don’t really want us here because we have a positive stories and they don’t want prospective adopters to read those positive stories, and realize that if they do adopt their adopted child is not going to necessarily have all these issues. If I was going to adopt I would want to read some opinions and experiences from a range of  adoptees, from those who have had serious issues over it[being adopted], to those who have a few issues to those who have had no issues. Good experiences and bad experiences  I would also want to hear from people who have adopted.  

I have seen on here people who have little to no issues about adoption be referred to as being in denial, living in a closet etc.  You just really have to let this in one ear out the other, who cares what a bunch of people online who don’t even know you personnel think.  As long as one is secure in themselves that is what matters.

I should real thank those who have had some adoption based issues or bad experiences in their adoption. Because it wasn’t in till I had read their stories that I realized how truly lucky and blessed that I for whatever reason I was able to avoid issues over adoption.

Answer 9

My hubby was adopted when he was only 2 days old, and when he was 10 he got to read the reason why his mom and dad gave him up now he wants nothing to do with his birth parents nor does he want to search for them and I am OK with that. He and i are going to adopt our first child together and any of you can say what you want to, your untitled to your opinions. I guess in my case it is agree to disagree with me.

Answer 10

Amen, I am one of those people-  Just because I had no issues with adoption does not mean others don't.  I got SO many thumbs down for saying that the other day-  Thanks for stating this- I thought I was the only one-  I was and my children are content with adoption- I am very sorry for those who are not. However that does not mean we deserve thumbs down, because our experience is different-

Answer 11

Perhaps because adoptees who admit to having issues are constantly ridiculed and dismissed, like this:

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;...

What strikes me is how ANGRY the 'Happy with no issues' adoptees appear to be!

I have issues with adoption, I want to find out about my Irish heritage and who my people are and people attempt to tell me there's something wrong with that!  pppffffftttt!!

I'm glad you have no issues - good for  you.  But why get so worked up about people who do

Answer 12

I'm sorry, but your premise is wrong.  If you look over the last several months q&a, adoptees who speak out about adoption and its complexities get many thumbs down and have been attacked repeatedly (with reported questions, answers, verbal assaults, and even accusations that someone contributed to another user's suicide attempt).  I'm sorry, but there have been several questions just in the last couple of days that suggest adoptees that have "issues" shouldn't speak up here, that we consider APs to be the enemy, and that we are even all one person.

You're worried about a couple of thumbs down?  I'm not impressed.  Most of my answers have had several.  Take it for what it is.  If you think you're right, then what do you care if you get some thumbs down?  If your belief in your own position is so shaky that some thumbs down unnerve you, then I guess maybe you need to think more about what you are saying.

As an aside, I assume you mean that you don't have "issues" with adoption.  I have yet to meet a human being that doesn't have "issues."  We all got 'em.  And if you are trying to tell me you don't, then I don't believe you.  If you don't have issues with your adoption, great.  I don't thumb people down for that.

Edited to Add: So now you're telling us that people with "issues" about their adoption need to get over it?  How is that not treating those people (myself included) badly?  How is that not condescending?  Your hypocrisy is showing.

ETA2: My point is that adoptees with issues have been attacked long and hard here.  It continues to this day (to this question, as it turns out now).  You don't have issues, great.  But telling us to "resolve it and move on" is pretty dismissive, don't you think?  If you want people to respect your position, you need to show a little yourself.

ETA3: Might I suggest, then, that you "try to resolve your thumb" issue?

Answer 13

If you are an adoptee who has no issues, why would you be in this section in the first place, I wonder, unless you are planning to adopt?  

Most adopted boys never look for their birth parents. I learned that many years ago and, in fact, my son was only passively looking for me (else he wouldn't have had all the right stuff up on his web page). I'm certainly respectful of those who don't want to search, but at the same time, they should belittle those who do want to.

Answer 14

I'm not sure if they're treated BADLY per se.....or any worse than other groups on this forum but you're basically right.  There are those on here who, even when you say you are happy, stable, and have no issues with your adoption will have a problem with it!  It makes no sense!  Why would someone stranger CARE if you're happy & stable?  Why would you being happy & stable be a problem for THEM?  It just boggles my mind.  One poster described all the reasons you SHOULD be upset or have issues.  I'm sorry but when was it EVER right to think someone is flawed just because they are happy & ok with their adoption?  It's so ironic to me that they have such a problem with us being happy while they loooove to complain that so many can't stand that they are upset at all.  They get mad that when they express any anger or resentment about adoption, they are told to "just get over it."  Well, how then do THEY justify doing the same to you.....i.e. telling you that your feelings aren't valid.  It's really makes me angry.  No one has the right to suggest that your feelings aren't valid.  And to say that just because you're on this forum, you are somehow not as happy as you say is just BULLSH*T.  Another poster tried to pull that one out on me too and it was just as c**p then as it is now.  Everyone knows that people come on YA for various reasons.  Some to share knowledge they have and some to seek answers to various questions.  To think someone isn't happy about their adoption just because they are on this site is STUPID.  

Yes, I said STUPID....and you know exactly who you are.

Answer 15

I agree with you...its not just this question its in all most all qas. To each there own and its there own opinion. People who think diff and give thumbs downs are not going to change it.

During a pregnancy qa on weight I got so many thumbs down, not sure why? the Qa was how many pounds have you gained? um ok so I said!

Its kind of crazy...I think maybe some people dont have anything else to do so why not thumb down people who think diff or some times there upset b/c yours sound better, or in my case I gained less weight. Not sure.

But thumbs down sure does get used alot!

Answer 16

As I've sd before ...I have no issues and I come here to maybe help someone else...answer a question I know the answer to.  this IS yahoo ANSWERS, right?

and according to some here, we do have issues, we're just denying them.  LOL

Answer 17

My husband was adopted and has never had any real want to find his birth mother. It wasn't until he found out that his adopted mother had contacted his birth mother with out letting him know that he became interested. Right now, he is attempting to decide what to do, if he will contact her or not. He only has a few questions and really doesn't seem to want any real contact with her or relationship.

I don't see anything wrong with it personally. He told me he has a family.

My husband had several issues growing up as a child, and I'm not convinced that it had anything to do with his adoption...it could and it couldn't...I dunno..

But the fact is...until you have actually been in that person's situation, then you have no reason to actually get upset or be vulgar.

No adoption is the same....no adopted child is the same or birth parent!

Answer 18

I personally do not have a problem with people who do not want to search.   My own brother does not want to search an that's fine with me.  None of my business.

I think adoptees should do what they feel is best.

Have you read the book Ithaka?  It is the memoir of an adoptee who had no desire to search for her bios and then they found her.  Yikes.  Awkward.  The book is about how she dealt with the fall out of being found.  It is an interesting read.

Anyway, I wouldn't worry about thumbs.  I get them all the time.  Someone gave me a thumb once for liking the name Hermione.  I mean, who cares?  That's thumbworthy?  Whatever.  People are thumb crazy.  As my mother in law says, don't let one crazy make two crazies.