Why are aspiring adoptive parents of infants called out here?

Question

I keep reading comments where people are disgusted at the desire to adopt an infant because there are so many children in fostercare to be adopted. I get the feeling that these posters here think that those of us who want to adopt an infant are selfish.

But you know what - people don't say to pregnant women "you should be adopting instead of having a baby - how selfish" So why is that a woman who can get pregnant naturally has the right to want an infant, but I don't?

I agree that it is awful that there are so many children in foster care without parents. My husband and I have discussed adopting an older child. It is not right for us at the moment.

I have an incredibly strong desire to be a Mother. Just like all the other Mothers out there. And I don't think I should be made to feel guilty because I want to have a baby of my own to raise. Tell me I am selfish for having a baby, and you are hypocrite to not say the same to any other Mother.

Answer 1

I totally agree with you. There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to parent an infant. Nothing at all. In no way should you be made to feel guilty for your desire to be a mother. Being told that you are selfish for wanting to raise a child from infancy is completely unfair - especially if these accusations are coming from others who share the same desire!

Consider, for example, a person who has children but then comes on here to insult and chastise others for wanting to be parents. That person either:  (1) is a hypocrite because they once longed for the same thing that they are criticizing others for wanting, or  (2) they have children that they never wanted. Either way, they are revealing themselves to be comparatively shoddy in the parent department.

Anyway, please don’t let mean people get to you.  Bullies will be bullies, and no amount of lashing out or degrading other people will ever make up for the fact that they are unhappy.

If you want to be a mom, then I say go for it. All children, including infants, deserve to be in a loving home with people who genuinely want them.

Edited:

Judging by the "thumbs downs"  it seems some people disagree that every child deserves to be in a loving home with parents who actually want them. Tsk, tsk - I do hope those people are not parents . . .

Answer 2

It's not selfish to want a baby. I've never encountered anyone who ever thought it was. You have a right to want what you want, don't listen to whoever you got that idea from cause most people don't think that way. If anything its honorable to want to adopt no matter if its a baby or older child.

In response to the answer above me, I think the baby of a mother who did not want them and would not or could not raise them with everything they need especially lots of love would be very appreciative of a mother adopting them and giving them a better life. Of course they will probably still be curious about their other family but they will see in the end that it was for the best (in most cases).

Answer 3

I call them patient.

Answer 4

I don't think you're selfish for wanting to be a mother - it's a natural instinct.

What many here are talking about - with infant adoption - is that the adoption industry is rife with corruption - too many dollars are being profited by adoption agencies - and infant adoption is about taking a child away from one mother - to another unrelated mother - when in many cases - it is not completely necessary.

Not even mentioning the changes of name, having your identity filed away forever by the government, not being able to grow up in the biological family you were born too, not seeing faces around you that look like your own, having to deal with the many and varied degrees of identity issues and rejection issues.

Think about it - children WANT to be with the mothers they were born too. Why would a child 'want' to be given to a complete set of strangers.

Women are too often encouraged to give away their child - when all they really need is support to parent.

I'm sorry that you can't have children of your own - but should a child suffer - so that you can have your piece of happiness????

Please read up on the real side of adoption - by those that live it daily.

Adoptee blogs -

http://www.adultadoptees.org/forum/index...

Relinquishing mother blogs -

http://www.adultadoptees.org/forum/index...

And a few websites -

http://www.adoptioncrossroads.org/

http://origins-usa.org/

Some articles you should read -

http://www.healingresources.info/article...

http://www.a4everfamily.org/index.php?op...

http://www.naturalchild.com/guest/marcy_...

What people are trying to say here - is that it should be about 'what is the best interests of the child?' - not about - what is the best interests of you.

Answer 5

How did your question get turned around to talking about the expense of adopting a baby? I don't seem to understand that theory. Yes, it is expensive, even when we adopted our kids 19 and 15 years ago, however I must say- how can it be selfish to want to adopt a baby?  If the birth mom decides to place her baby for adoption and no one wanted a baby, there would be more children in foster care, and homes then before. Hang in there- there is a baby just for you. And do not worry about what others think-  if we could have our own babies, would people ask us, "why don't you just adopt an older child, you are selfish to bring another baby into the world?"  Of course not, and if they did, we would ignore their ridiculous plea.

Answer 6

I think when a woman is unable to have a child of her own (for whatever reasons) and she wishes to adopt a BABY rather than a child, she is simply attempting to fulfill her desire to have a child and to experience every aspect of raising that child from its infancy. I do not think there is anything wrong with it. Obviously she ill have to be more patient in waiting for a baby to be avaliable for adoption.

I feel the same way about women who get pregnant and hate the baby stage but still love their children. Just cause they hated the baby stage does not mena they should not be able to have kids.

good luck with your adoption I hope it happens sooner than later.

Answer 7

Don't listen to them.

Answer 8

I wouldn't call someone selfish for just wanting a baby, but then again the same ones who are wanting to adopt just and infant, complain about the cost. Then in turn ask questions on how to raise money in order to get an infant. A pregnant mother doesn't go around and raise money for her infant, instead she starts saving and preparing. If adoptive parents want an infant they should do the same, start preparing and saving. Call me Miss Senstive, but I don't like PAP's that ask questions on here on how is the best way to raise money to get an infant or is there a cheaper way of getting an infant. Most biological parents don't ask what is a cheaper way to raise a kid, they just take the responsibility. Adoptive who open their hearts and homes for the right reason don't ask on raising money to get an infant.

If you truly want an infant to adopt, then prepare for the fees and the wait, because there is alot of people who want to adopt infants.

Does it make me upset that most people want an infant over adopting toddlers or older children that are in foster care? Yes, because they deserve loving homes too. Do I think they are selfish for just wanting an infant? Yes and No. If they are wanting to adopt to give a baby a loving home and to raise it, then no, they are not selfish. But if they are wanting an infant to raise hoping to wipe away all knowledge of the infant's biological family and not wanting to tell the child the truth about the adoption, then yes they are being selfish. Which I have to say in most cases most adoptive parents adopt because they want to provide a loving home to children.

My suggestion to you is this: You are the only one who knows why you and your husband are adopting, no one can tell you other wise. If you are doing it for the right reason of wanting to provide a loving and stable home enviroment for a child/infant, then adopt. Ignore what others have to say about being selfish, because they don't know you.

That is all I have to say.

Answer 9

janimal...

i believe those who hold contrary views on infant adoption do so because it appears as if there is a "preference" for adopting an infant that doesn't quite exist for older children.  

for many of us, it reads a bit hypocritical for someone to say, "i want to be a parent", yet to narrow their field down to a select population, ie. infants. i'm not saying you don't have a right to a preference, but to exclude other ages that do not fit into your preferred age-group, reads less about the needs of a child and more about your wants.

parenting is across the spectrum. and it truly is about providing for that child's emotional, physical, psychological, social and developmental needs so that they can grow up to be productive adults. the needs of parents, are secondary. hence, it's little to do with "i want a (insert age here)" and more about "i want to parent a child!" if the motivations are different, many will take issue as you've noticed here.

those who give birth might have infants in the beginning, yet they turn into toddlers, school-age children, teens, young adults and finally adults.  many believe the fixation on  "babies" is faulty because it focuses on one developmental stage that is most transient.

also, due to the demand for infants, there is the potential of b/f/n-parent coercion, infant trauma from maternal separation and the other unethical practices that seem to be exclusive to infant adoption.

regarding pregnant women who "want" infants; i don't know if that's a good comparison.  biologically, one can't deliver a toddler or an older child. hence, it's not an issue of "want"; yet biologically what happens.

personally, i love all the developmental stages, but i prefer adolescents.  since i know that i can't always have a teen, i have found other ways to serve this population, including mentoring,  fostering and working with teen parents. also, this is the major population of my research and career. so there's nothing wrong with having a preference; yet when the preference becomes a fixation for a parenting decision, that's where i take pause.

trust me, as much as i prefer the adolescent age group; i'd be a bloody-damned if i try to give birth to one. so in other words, my preference for adolescents doesn't trump my desire to be a mommy for my children, regardless of their ages.

i see my role as parent as meeting the needs of my children; not having them to fill some void in my life. children aren't supposed to save marriages, cure infertility, fix some emotional fault-line within an adult, or to fulfill some intrinsic desire of someone who want to be a parent.  when i chose to be a parent, my needs were secondary. and my parenting decision (including keeping my son i placed for adoption) had more to do with providing the best for THEM, and not me needing a baby to make me whole.

i wouldn't call you selfish.  but i think you should look at why so many people are less than bubbly about infant adoption practices.

Answer 10

It's not selfish to want a baby at all! If that is what's right for you, people should go p**s up a rope. I hope you get what you are looking for. Who knows, maybe you'll decide to be foster parents yourselves later (my parents did). I love my extended family.

Answer 11

I don't always call them out.  I don't think the urge to parent is necessarily a selfish one.  But I do think today's PAPs need to accept that adoption is changing, and that they can no longer get a healthy infant for cheap and quick.  Those days are over.  They may have to settle for "less" than their ideal:  a baby they can pretend they gave birth to "just like any other Mother."  There is a difference!    

So my disgust is reserved for those who feel entitled to a baby and have the gall to complain that the rare privilege of being entrusted with someone else's flesh and blood is too expensive or involves too long a wait.  

If you had your own, you'd keep it, right?  Or is not wanting to make another couple's dream come true somehow selfish?  There is a difference.  Claiming adopting a child is the same as having your own is, well, a bit hypocritical.

Answer 12

No one on here deserves to be constantly criticized or judged for their decisions.  Wanting a baby is not evil.  There are real, valid concerns for why many couples prefer an infant over an older child.  It's well known that older children often come with many emotional problems with all they've been through.  While it's noble of some foster parents to tough it out and help these kids, it's not for the faint of heart and not for everyone.  It's much easier to bond with an infant who doesn't come with 15 years of emotional baggage.  Bringing a new child into a home is hard enough without adding on ill-placed resentment towards the a-parent, bitterness over the hardships in their life,etc.  Like I said, I commend those who CAN deal with that but it's not for everyone.  I'm not saying ALL older children have those problems but that is the perception and so that is why many couples are fearful to adopt older children.  My own parents fostered an 8 year old boy for a while when we were kids.  They are such loving people.  They provided everything that would help rehabilitate this kid.....lots of love, boundaries, and a stable home environment.  Because of his emotional issues, however, he constantly acted out which my parents could've dealt with but then he started beating up on my brothers.  That was the last straw with my parents.  They couldn't keep a kid around to save him, only to let him abuse my brothers.  My parents did keep up with him over the years.  He ended up joining the military which really straightened him out - gave him discipline, taught him respect, etc.  So he did well for himself.  Of course, they will always regret not being able to help him more but they feel they did all they could do at the time.

Answer 13

AMEN!!!  Thank you for asking this question!  

I want to add just one other thing on this for all those who are adopted, want to adopt or place a child up for adoption....

Anything related to adoption will have some ounce of grief involved.  

For the PAP - Grief that they will never know what their biological child looks like and having to come to terms with this.

For the Adoptive Mother - she'll never see her belly grow and feel a child that she was intended to raise move and grow and having to come to terms with this.  

For the Birth Mother - having to let go of that child that she did feel grow inside of her and bonded with and having to come to terms with this.

For the child - for losing it's birth parents and not having a say so in the matter and having to come to terms with this.

It's hard on all aspects.  So everyone quit trying to say which one is worse or better.  Each situation is different.  

Any woman/man who is aware that they can not or is not ready to raise a child and places the child up for adoption - you are to be comended.  Any PAP who opens their homes & hearts up to this child - you are to be comended.  

One other side note - my stepson was adopted from Russia.  He was 20 months old when he came to the states.  The #1 complaint I heard was how DH and his ex-wife should have adopted an baby here who wouldn't have home instead of going to another country to adopt a baby!!!  Does it matter... really?  A baby, toddler, teen doesn't have a home - Give them one!

Answer 14

Why are aspiring adoptive parents of infants called out here?

      Because some seem to operate on a course of action that carries a high likelyhood of causing pain to  adopted children, and you are uninformed of key aspects involving adoption. There are many voices of formerly adopted babies, and children here - we are now adults sharing perspective.

Bestadvice says; " There are real, valid concerns for why many couples prefer an infant over an older child. It's well known that older children often come with many emotional problems with all they've been through"

Many seem to dismiss this is also true for infants. (I was adopted at 3 days of age)  Refer to the Primal Wound research by Nancy Verrier along with many others. Without one's mother a baby enters a state of shock, flooded with adreilien and cortisol. When denied contact with our mothers our brians and entire nervous system attempt to cope with the fear/flight hormones, helpless and scared.... This state can permantly form in the brain's hardwiring.... Other developmental issues come to play as there is no one who can mirror the baby like his/her own mother.

We survive being raised in the care of others, but may inside feel quite different from others. Not having anyone who shares looks, traits, patterns with is what leads to a sense of genetic bewilderment in some.

Bestadvise also says " It's much easier to bond with an infant who doesn't come with 15 years of emotional baggage. Bringing a new child into a home is hard enough without adding on ill-placed resentment towards the a-parent, bitterness over the hardships in their life,etc"

              It may be easy for the aparant to love and bond with the baby. A baby is preverbal, and so is unable to express the pain of being displaced and surrounded by strange - EVERYHTING. No one questions that the aparent might want this baby. However many here seem to gloss over the fact the baby won't be wanting you. Baby wants the woman whose body swayed him to sleep when tired, and her heart filled him with the tempo of her. Babies are not blank slates.

OP you said "And I don't think I should be made to feel guilty because I want to have a baby of my own to raise"

          I am so sorry you are unable to have a baby. Of course you have a right to your 'wanting' a baby. Please mourn that loss. You are unable to have your own baby to raise. No way should you feel guilty for that. We don't alway get what we want. That's sad too.

           If you feel you are entittled to "get a baby" and you're willing to be party to devient measures to satisify your want - go a head and feel guilty - that is your inner moral compass suggesting you change course. Guilt does have a positive purpose.

Adoption will give you the privilidge to be a caretaker for someone else's baby and you'll have all the legal paperwork to tell you "it's your baby" However it will be WAY different from having your own baby. You would have someone else's  baby. The baby is the only one with no say in the matter. How would you feel to learn the baby doesn't want you?  Or that the baby is unable to love you?

Answer 15

The truth is that there is a very limited supply of healthy infants.  And while I understand people having a desire to parent a child from infancy, this has become less and less of a possibility when one adopts for many factors.

It is ok to speak of supply and demand when the thing being produced comes from a factory, like a car.  But the tricky thing to consider is that babies come from people and many of them are just not willing to relinquish anymore.  this creates a situation entirely different from simply having a child biologically.  It's just not the same thing.  It isn't.

Having a child of one's own biologically and adopting a child are two very different things.  The most important thing to remember is that when a child is adopted, he or she loses their bio family and their bio family loses them.  Babies come from real living people, most of whom will grieve their children.  I know my firstmom did.  In fact, she still does.  It is not an easy decision to relinquish and it should not be taken lightly.

No one has the right to be a parent.  And there are big differences between wants and needs.

There is a lot of corruption in infant adoption in the United States and it is being driven by unscrupulous, unethical and most importantly UNREGULATED agencies.  But the truth is that they wouldn't be using the methods they use were it not for the fact that there is such a demand and so few mothers thinking of relinquishing.

In order to adopt an infant, that baby needs to come from somewhere else.  Other people.  Real people.  And no one owes anyone else their baby.

Answer 16

My issue is not with PAPs wanting an infant per say. It is with the amount of times I have heard "we want to adopt a bay domestically but will adopt internationally if need be". Most people adopting internationally are not getting the freshly squeezed newborn they would have demanded had they adopted domestically. Seems a bit off to accept a toddler or older child from another country but not from "home".

Answer 17

It is because of adoptive parents and their want for a healthy, white child that we have so much corruption in the adoption industry.  Women are cheated, lied to.  Laws in some states make it easier to change your mind about returning a lawn mower than cancelling the adoption of your infant.  Women are also lied to about the methods needed to cancel the adoption (they do NOT need a lawyer, for instance).  Fathers are left out of the process entirely in many areas.  All these laws benefit the adopting parents, not the biological parents and certainly not the infant.  Younger girls are victimized by their families and not told that they could be emancipated and helped.  Do you think this system is fair?

Answer 18

Don't let others make you feel bad for what you want. They are just angry people. There is nothing wrong with wanting an infant. You have done your homework and know what is involved so go after it. Not everyone is capable of taking on an older child especially for their first one. You are the only one that matters in this. No one has the right to tell you otherwise. If someone is gonna give up their baby someone has to step up and take care of it it love it. Why shouldn't it be you. good luck

Answer 19

I was adopted as a baby and for me personally this is the way I see it;

If my parents adopted a older kid then I would be in a care home, replacing that older child.

But because I was adopted that left a child in a care home.

Either way there was a child in a care home, I'm just very grateful it wasn't me!