Why are most people more interested in meeting their birthmoms versus their birthdads?

Question

I would like to meet both, maybe my birth father more so, because I have less information about him. It seems like most people tend to harbor more anger against the birth-mom, or if they dont' harbor anger they have no interest in meeting the birth-dad but really want to meet the birthmom.

Anyone have any insights about this?

Answer 1

Contrary to the statements that adoptees harbor more anger towards the birth mom, or that adoptees know for 'for a fact that mom didn't want them' (what a load of c**p...and a terrible thing to allow a child to believe!), many adoptees simply wonder why their 1st moms would/could give them up. Our culture views the mother-child bond as much stronger. Perhaps because our mom's carry us for 9 months & go through the pains of labor to give birth to us. And society perpetuates the myth that "your mom didn't want you".  Read, "The Girls Who Went Away" by Ann Fessler.  This is RARELY the case!  Yet everyone ASSUMES adoptees were "unwanted".  ARGGHHH

Like many adoptees, I was never angry with my 1st mom for giving me up.  I was curious why she did. I thought there was something wrong with me (if she choose to give me up - or 'didn't want me').  Even though my parents said they "choose me"; that she was sick & unable to care for me.  (Great story, but totally false).  I was taken from her because she was raising me alone (abandoned by her husband) on a waitress' salary before public aide (welfare) was available.  

It is an interesting question.  More women search for their first families than do men.  Why do you think that is?  Perhaps because searching is a very emotional journey, and often men don't like to dwell on emotions...?  

As a young mother with an unplanned pregnancy myself, I better understood my 1st mom's decision. But that was before I actually found her & learned the whole story (from court records as well).  She never wanted to give me up. She had no choice. There was no abuse & she had no criminal record. She was just a poor, working mom, raising a child alone (during the baby scoop era or BSE).  

I was happy after meeting her and less interested in finding my birth dad, in part b/c my 1st mom said he'd denied I was his.  But after my son's 1st seizure & hospital stay at 8 months old, I knew I HAD to finish my search - for my kids sakes'.  They deserved the other half of the medical information I couldn't give them.  

I'm thrilled I found him. He wanted to meet me! I looked just like him, his mom, his sister.  Finally, I knew who I looked like and where many of my personality traits come from...a BLEND of both my dad's.  A mixture of biology & environment.  

Sadly, we often take our dads for granted!  Because they are men, because they are less talkative, not emotionally demonstrative, more stoic & practical.  We sometimes fail to see the depth father's feel for their children.  Sadly, not ALL dad's. But MANY dads. Even our courts and culture dismiss the importance of fathers on their children's lives.

Answer 2

They are the person that birthed you. so that is proboly the reason

Answer 3

They harbor more anger towards the mom because they know for a fact that the mom didn't want them, if she did, she wouldn't have given them up (this is all coming from my 11 year old, not me) but on the other hand, the father didn't have any rights over the unborn child, so for all they know, the father would've stopped it if they could. Because the father had no rights, they feel more sympathy towards the father than they do to their mother.

Answer 4

I don't have anger towards either.  I have a stronger desire to meet my natural mom because I am also a mom.  I have been through three pregnancies and know how powerful of an experience that is. I also have a much, MUCH closer relationship to my amother than my adad.  So, motherhood for me has played a more significant role in my life.

I would be happy to meet my natural dad, but the pull for me has always been to meet my mom.  After going through pregnancy and childbirth I can't imagine what it must have been like for her.  

Answer 5

Humans tend to get upset with the ones they "feel" they love the most.  Higher expectations and placing them on a pedestal.

The "maternal bond" that people have a hard time understanding and in some cases refusing to believe it exists. Its too painful for some Ap's to acknowledge because they want desperately to feel like the the a-childs nmom and for some adoptee's they don't want to allow themselves to feel it because that makes them "feel" even more vulnerable. They are scared of how it may change them.  Its very rare for a child to want to meet their father equally as much as their mother. I would suggest to you that you get into a little therapy because you may have some suppressed feelings. They'll eventually come out, better sooner than later. It will be easier to deal with when your younger.  I wouldn't be surprised if your A-parents manipulated your emotions when you were a child. Many do.  

Its why so many want to adopt just babies or the closest age to it. You know that sad theory "blank slate".

ETA: Let me guess who picked the therapist. I would suggest a better one. Sorry, I know they're hard to find. Usually the therapists that deal with addiction issues tend to be more insightful in handling surpressed feelings. Stay away from the christian type ones. They are pro-adoption, pro-life, pro being biased and therefore manipulative which equates to no help whatsoever.

Answer 6

Because the "mom" is the person that you grew inside of for 9 months, which could make a person desperately want to meet her or just resent her for giving them up. The "dad" had 5 minutes of fun and his work ended there.

Answer 7

In a lot of cases the bio dad doesnt want to be there, my bio dad was married to someone else at the time..

Answer 8

the dad didnt go through labor and had to push

:/

Answer 9

That's a good question...when I found out my BM had actually married my BF later in her life, I was really surprised and excited. I guess I'd never really thought about meeting my BF. It might have been because I had a poor relationship with my AF, but either way, I was thrilled to be able to know both of my birth parents. And because they're still together, I have a full-blooded sister that looks just like me.  

Answer 10

I have no personal idea since I was not adopted, but maybe because their mothers gave birth to them and likely were the one to decide to give them up for adoption