Why are people classing AP as strangers?

Question

I dont like the way people are classing AP as "strangers" or "infertiles" does anyone agree with these names for AP?

In principle, the adoptive parents are strangers to the kids but they become the childs parents as soon as they adopt!! I think anouther word would be best to discribe AP.

Infertiles is just d**n right sick.

Only proper answers please. Not digs at me. I havent posted this to have people ***** at me.

Answer 1

Well, before my son was relinquished for adoption, I met his parents for all of two hours.  I had a couple phone conversations with them, but only for a couple minutes at the most.  I don't think that amount of contact made them very familiar to me.  In fact, I don't even think it would bump them up to the category of acquaintances of mine before relinquishment.  If it's not an inner family adoption or if it is not between friends, then yes I consider the adoptive parents strangers in most of those cases.

Are they strangers now?  Not really.  Now there is an existing relationship.

Answer 2

I can only assume that people use these terms to negate another person's feelings, opinions or experiences.

I prefer not be referred to by my medical condition.  I find it very condescending, especially since it was not the primary reason we chose to adopt.

I am fine with PAP, though.

Answer 3

I don't know about you but the first time I meet someone I hardly qualify them as friends or family straight away. SO at first they are strangers, are they not?

As for infertiles, I was once an infertile and I see nothing rude about the term. Though why you are getting so worked up about it I can only guess. I thought you were as much a breeder as I am now.

*** edit

Adopting doesn't mean the AP's are infertile though. That is about the same as saying all n-moms are crack whores and that is just silly.

Answer 4

It's the way the words are being used. To say someone is infertile is one thing. To classify adoptive parents as infertile's is wrong. As for strangers, a stranger is someone you have never met. Therefore every mother and child that meet for the 1st time (bio or adoptive)  were strangers until they meet. That is why ALL mothers must go through a bonding period with their child.

Answer 5

I tottally agree with you!! strangers is defernatly not the right word to use and as for "inferitles" i think its disgusting alot of fertile people adopt aswell its about giving a child a happy healthy home. Just call them the AP's!!

Answer 6

The truth is that when we met our son, we were all strangers.  We were blessed that we were able to spend time with him before he came home so that he at least knew our faces but we were still strangers in most senses.

As for the debate on infertility.  I have no problem with someone referring to me as a person who suffers from infertility.  I do not wish to be called "An infertile" as some people have chosen to do in this category.  I personally try not to refer to people as their disability.  So in other words, I wouldn't call someone who suffers from mental retardation "a r****d".  

I do think it is interesting though that many people "assume" that most APs suffer from infertility.  I would like to know if there are any statistics on that.  I would have thought that most adoptions occur in step parent situations, but I could be wrong.

Answer 7

I believe the best name for adoptive parents is "heroes" as they offer love and a better life to the adopted that these children  otherwise might not have.

Answer 8

I can understand how adoptive parents are strangers to the child when they become legal parents to that child. I get the meaning behind that. Not all adoptive parents are infertiles, so classifying all adoptive parents as infertile wouldn't be correct. However I do think infertility is a leading drive in the newborn white private adoption industry in the United States as well as some international adoptions, and I think its an issue that on a greater scale, definitely needs to be addressed and discussed throughly. But calling AP's infertiles isn't right, and probably doesn't do much good in helping them to feel heard in order to hear another view either.

Answer 9

normally a child is given visits with the prospective adoptive family and then they move in with the family and its months before the adoption is final. This gives all a chance to get to know each other and to make sure its a good match. So by the time its final they are no longer strangers.

Answer 10

"Infertiles," among so many others I have read here, is disrespectful.  Can we all try to raise the level of civility just a bit?

As long as words are clear and communicates who people are talking about, I figure we should each use the names we are comfortable with.  But I am talking about jargon, the difference between bio or birth or b or first...not this other stuff.

Answer 11

I think they mean that birthmoms are giving their babies to strangers and they remain strangers to the birthparents, but do not continue to be strangers to the baby as they become their parents.

That is just my opinion.

Answer 12

This is just a way of trying to depersonalize and distance the adoptive parents, by calling them "strangers", and is usually used by people who are not in favor of adoption, such as "Why would someone place their baby with strangers?".  But it is interesting that we call it a "reunion" when a birthparent sees their child for the first time in 30 years.  Where have they been for 30 years, with strangers?  Surely we must realize that relationships are made in the heart (and may or may not also involve biology, but don't have to.)  Otherwise, none of us would have husbands, wives, or friends!

Answer 13

I really don't care what people in this category choose to call adoptive parents. I know I am my daughter's parent and so does she. Nothing I hear in this Q&A makes me feel any less of a mother and a parent.

Answer 14

why would an AP be a stranger. once they adopted they by law become the child's parents. it isn't until the child is of legal age that the child can decide to do anything legally regarding the adoption.(i know of someone who changed their name back to their given name from the birth mother). but anyway back to your question, i also agree with you that making fun of someone who can't have kids is very wrong. That is a painful thing to go thru, i have a friend who struggled for years to have a kid. so it is a painful process to call someone a name is just wrong.

Answer 15

Having trouble with reality?

Infants given up for adoption to people outside their families (mother's or father's) is called a 'stranger adoption'.  Because that's what they are.  

Most adopters are infertile.  Hence 'infertiles'.  Those who bristle at that are usually the first to slap the 'angry & bitter' label on adoptees.

Cheers.

Answer 16

What is a stranger?

It is someone you have never met before or are acquainted with.

So, in the case of an adoption where the child has never met the adoptive parents, then yes, the child is quite literally being given to strangers.

Legal parents or not, if the child has never met them, they are still strangers to that child.

Answer 17

I agree with you, stranger is wrong and infertile is just repulsive.  I am an adoptive parent.  I don't want to be singled out.  I just want to be a parent to my daughter Emily who has come to me in a unique way in which we will discuss privately as a family.  I am not a hero, nor am I doing anything extraordinary.  

Step parents deal with child issues.  Parents who have had a spouse die help their kids deal with issues.  Adoptive parents are no different; we just want what is best for our kids and don't really want a handle that turns us into people we are not.  Just call us APs because that is what we are.

Bristling at stranger or infertile is no different than bristling at bitter or angry adoptee.

Answer 18

When someone is considering adoption, they normally think about whether to have the adoption done by family members, friends or by people they have not yet met and don't know at all.  At that point, they are strangers to the mother and father.  Of course, they are no longer strangers after they become the child's parents, as a relationship is forming.  So, when people talk about giving the child to strangers, it's because the people who might potentially adopt the child are not yet known.  It's not meant to be insulting by any means.

As far as the term infertiles, I'm infertile and I, personally, am not offended by the term if it's used in describing me with regard to my inability to conceive.  However, there may be others who are.  Like the term birthmother, some women who relinquished are fine with it and others are offended by it.  But, I feel no need to push the term on to women who feel offended by it, or expect them to not be offended by it just because I'm not.  So, if another woman who hasn't been able to conceive is offended by it, she can just say so and I will be certain to not refer to her in that way.

Answer 19

I think the actual term is "stranger adoption".  This is when people place the kid to someone they have never met or met briefly instead of giving them to someone they know. I'm not sure it is meant to be mean.   They are not saying that the adoptive parents are strangers to the child but to the birthparents.

Calling someone infertile just because they adopt is unkind.  People shouldn't think that.  But at the same time, people should not be embarrassed because they can't have any kids.  It is nothing to be ashamed of.

Answer 20

Huh?  Strangers?  The way some of these answers explain it, even bio parents are technically strangers, since the babies haven't "met" their parents before birth.  That does sound rude!!  Imagine that.