Why are people so hostile towards adoption?

Question

I am an adoptee and this is the first time on this site. I'm really shocked by the biterness of many adoptees. I've always just accepted my life as it is...and it has been far from perfect...but I don't have any illusions about another "perfect" life if things had turned out differently. I'm very curious why so many adoptees on this site are so angry.

Answer 1

I was adopted as an infant.my adoption itself was fine,i have no complaints there.what hasmade me angry and bitter was the things i had to endure while searching to find out my history.i was denied the right to know about my adoption,thanks to "sealed" records.i traced my birth mother after a 10yr search.with NO help from any authorities.it only happened thanks to an adoption website.I was refused the right to know anything about my past.when i finally found my family,it turned out that there was a very serious health issue within the family.which,if left untreated could result in early death.most of my bio relatives onmy mothers side have this disease.amzingly it turns out that only 2 of us in the family don't have it-myself and my half brother.but my Grandmother died at age 50,and my cousins,birth mother and half sister have it.if i had taken after my Grandmother i could have been dead in 12 yrs,had my kidneys not been treated.as it turns out,i got lucky.also,my birth father developed type 2 diabetes at age 50.i take after his side of the family,so at least knowing that i have a high chance of diabetes puts me in a position where i know,and can limit my sugar intake and get myself fit and healthy to limit my chances of diabetes.also,my birth mother reached menopause at age 39. which means it may hapen to me too.at least i know,and can prepare myself,as i am 38 now.

Another thing i am bitter about is that the only reason my birth mother finally signed the adoption papers was that she was reassured that if i asked for info about her when i was 18,i would get it straight away.well that was a big fat lie,as i was told NOTHING at age 18,when i wrote and asked.just that i had no legal rights to know.

My life would have been amazing if i had no interest whatsoever in tracing my roots.i would have probably done much better in school,and formed good relationships.i would have probably married and had kids before now,but i my stress and anxiety overruled me getting close to men.i will have know my birth mother for 9 yrs in March,and i can honestly say i am only just starting to be able to accept my life,and form a relationship with a guy.it has been really hard. all because i wanted to know all my life little pieces of info that tell me who i am!!

Answer 2

I am totally with you my friend- I have been on this site for a short time- and I cannot believe it either-  Ok, some adoptions are not as good as others, just because that is life- however I can tell you being in your birth family isn't always good either. I was adopted as an infant and have adopted 2 children, myself who are now teenagers- and we seem ok- but I can tell you my husband who was not adopted had a horrible upbringing - no one has a perfect life- however the 4 of us, you, myself and my 2 kids were given life- and that is precious in and of itself.

And for those who hate the term- "adoption is a loving choice"- why would you say it isn't?  If the birth mom knows that she could not raise the child, what other choice is there that would be loving- abortion?  NOT!

Answer 3

I don't see a lot of anger on this site from adoptees, so I'm not entirely sure who you are talking about.  The anger from adoptees I do see has to do with their voice being ignored and their perspective on adoption being marginalized.

I don't know any adoptees who believe that, but for their adoption, their lives would be perfect, either.  I do know that the fact of my adoption (NOT my adoptive parents) has created some difficulties and struggles in my life.  My hope, in being here and answering questions, is to educate others about the complications and difficulties inherent in adoption itself.  

I don't know what you mean by accepting "life as it is..."  I do accept that my life is what it is, and I cannot change the past.  But if, by educating others, I can make life easier for other, future, adoptees, then I've done something worthwhile.  Working for improvement is different than pining for perfection.

But perhaps you have something different in mind?

Answer 4

You are correct.  There is significant anger toward the way adoption is practiced in the U.S. on this site.

Hostility, for many adoptees, begins quite young.  Some of us, as children, began to play a part, like an actor, to conform to the rules, the implicit expectations of those around us.  We pretended to accept new names, when we called ourselves, internally and in secret, by another.  We denied interest in our history, because we knew it would upset others.  We tried – so hard – to act like our families, because we thought a real child should be like his relations.  We unconsciously ignored the unspoken looks that aunts, cousins, and sometimes grandparents gave when the fleeting idea crossed their minds that this child wasn’t really theirs.  In short, most adoptees divide their identity.  They keep others happy at the expense of their own growth.  Such a condition breeds suppressed hostility.

Later, some adoptees begin to search for their kin, secretly at first so as not to upset anyone.  But they almost always find a wall.  ÃƒÂ¢Ã‚€ÂœYou are not allowed,” they are told.  The suppressed hostility begins to break, a crack forms in the wall.  ÃƒÂ¢Ã‚€ÂœI’ve been a good boy.  I pleased everyone,” they think, “so why can’t I have the one thing that’s mine.”

Then they stop.  Some, a few, begin to see that they have divided themselves into two people, the one the world sees and the secret person – the real one, they wrongly think- that they let no one else know, the one that holds their “real identity,” and that they kept safe growing up.  ÃƒÂ¢Ã‚€ÂœWhat have I done?” they say.  The wall breaks open.  They begin to heal, and the healing allows anger to surface.

Are they angry at their parents?  No, not usually.  Are they angry at themselves?  Somewhat, as they were gullible and fell from the adoption story.  But their real anger is directed at the system that put them into this situation.

Yes, adoption can be great.  For many adoptees- infants and foster children – it is.  But they have lived in a system that has robbed them of their identity and imposed a new one onto them.  The rebels, we see, are looking for a way to save the good in adoption and make it embrace the full needs of an adoptee.

Answer 5

I love this forum and the different ideas that I've heard in here. Adoption is a triangle. Birthparents/child/parents. There are no guarentees in the life. Unfortunately we are still learning the ramifications of adoption on the child and the child is what counts. We were told back in 1972, that this was best, your child will have a better life with 2 parents to take care of her. Since I have been coming here, I've learned alot about the plight of the adoptees, meaning their 'right to know'. I look forward to reading the questions.

Answer 6

I'm sure you are going to get lots of input on this but my take on it is that they feel (or have been made to feel) like second class citizens through many different venues. Everything from whispers behind their backs all their lives to separation anxiety, from denial of medical and heritage information to stupid comments about how special and lucky they are that someone wanted them.

Not everyone feels the same. They each have unique situations that harbor different feelings. Just realize that they have every right to feel the way they do just as you have the right to feel the way you do and accept them for who they are.

Answer 7

I think if you actually read some of the answers from people you consider 'angry and bitter' you would find your answer therein

Answer 8

You'll soon find out if you bother to stay on this forum that there are some adoptees on here who aren't angry but rather just want reform within the adoption industry.  But you're right....there are some other adoptees who just sound downright bitter & angry.....which hey...it's their lives & they can live it anyway they want.  What makes me angry is when they get upset if there is a HAPPY adoptee on here!!  gasp, shock, horror!!!!  Oh no!  It's as if me saying I'm actually a happy adult adoptee somehow offends their very core.  It really bothered me when one particular poster on here actually had the nerve to suggest I'm NOT as happy as I say just because I choose to come on here & answer adoption questions!  Like I was somehow deluding myself and that no adult adoptee could possibly be "happy" just because she's so unhappy.  How screwed up is that?  I'm all for people being as bitter as they want to be but don't act like I'm some kind of weirdo for saying I'm an adoptee who is happy and has no regrets about being adopted!

Answer 9

Most of what you see has to do with adopted persons having a problem with how adoption is practiced in the U.S., not adoption in and of itself.  I know people often have a hard time separating the two.  Legally and in practice, adoption has several reforms that need to take place.  Those of us who want reform aren't against adoption.  If we were against it, we wouldn't want reform of adoption, we would want abolishment of adoption.

Many adopted people have found that their feeling and thoughts on how adoption is practiced, and how that affects many of us, are discounted because there are people out there who only want to see adoption as "all good."   There are also people who see adopted people who want changes in the adoption system as not loving their adoptive parents.  This couldn't be further from the truth.  Our relationships with out adoptive parents are based on the same things that everyone else's relationships with their parents.  They are not based on whether or not we are happy will all aspects of adoption law and practice.

I accept that being adopted is part of my life.  That's not the issue.  It's the discriminating laws and less than scrupulous practices that some agencies use that are the issues.

I hope that clarifies it a little better for you.

Answer 10

Maybe being called "angry" and "bitter" are two reasons, IDK.

I don't have any illusions either but when I see adoption agencies and lawyers raking in tens of thousands of dollars off of ONE child, when I see adoption advertised everywhere I look and touted as this "loving" choice (but nowhere does keeping your baby get mentioned), when I see the same old ignorant ideology on here day after day, that all "birth" mothers are crack whores, all adoptees were better off adopted, we should be grateful we didn't end up in a dumpster, etc. etc...then I just have to look at my OWN mother who's only "crime" was being 19 and single and so therefore was forced to give me up?  

Yeah.  I get a little cranky.

But thanks for your compassionate and caring attempt to understand.

Answer 11

they lack understanding and research.

Answer 12

because sometimes child dont get adopted and its not fair because they spend their childhood in a care home, its not the people adopting children that are hostiled towards its the people that put children up for adoption.

hope i helped you

from beccy

xxxx

Answer 13

All I can say is STAY and be a voice too. I have gotten some realy good info here from people who have been in real tough situations, but I've also gotten e-mails calling me a babytheif, but the bad is worth the good I get from it.

So, be a Testimony. You deserve it too.

Answer 14

Please do not take these comments as global generalizations......My firm belief is that 95% of these negative comments  are coming from a couple of bitter folks who have found a way to cleverly embed their negativity into questions and comments by using many different email accounts.  And they can't stand the competition, as you will see from the many "adoption neutral" or "adoption friendly" comments that are flagged.  I am so sorry.

Answer 15

When I first came to this category I thought all or most adoptions were like mine. It took a while but I eventually "got it" that some of the adoptees here did/do not have the same advantages that my daughter has. They have to fight for many of the things that I was determined to to have for my adopted child.

Keep reading and I'm sure you'll learn to understand where they are coming from.