Why are people so quick to dismiss adoptee "denial" and being in the "fog"?

Question

The reason that adoptees say that adoptees who say their whole experience was positive may be "in denial" or "in a fog" is because they were once there themselves. Not because they are being judgemental or are bitter because you had a positive experience.

I was in denial, I admit it. I was in the fog, I was telling people how grateful I was to be adopted, how my birthmother gave me up because she wanted me to have a better life, I was special, chosen, meant to be with the family I was raised in.....does that all sound familiar. I LOVE my adoptive family. They ARE MY FAMILY! But no matter how great they were, or how welcome and part of the family they tried to make me feel the truth is I am adopted. I have a history that has nothing to do with them but is very much a part of who I am. I am not angry, I am not negative, I am not against people who have had "positive" experiences. Why is it so hard to accept that you might be in denial? Why are you so defensive?

Answer 1

Why is it hard for YOU to except that people who have positive adoptions may just not be in this adoption fog!! Why are you asking people to "accept" they may be in denial? You have to be respectful for peoples feelings. Some people are NOT in denial and are genuinly happy with thier adoption. Some people are not actually interested in bio family. People MUST accept that too. There will be no happy medium otherwise.

I had a happy adoption, I WAS in the so called "fog", and I love my adoptive parents very very much, but I never try and tell anyone they are in denial. They may not see the same way I do, everyone is different and its important to understand that.

It works both ways, do you see what I mean?

Answer 2

I don't think anyone has trouble with the idea of "denial " if they are talking about their OWN experience.  What  they  reject is being told how to feel or react by somebody else who doesn't even know them.   We are all on our own journeys here and we need to support each other.  Telling somebody else they are in denial is offensive as it is dismissive to THEIR feelings.  They are not disregarding your experience, they are rejecting being told how to feel. Maybe they are in denial, maybe not but their feelings in the present, whatever they are, are valid and should be honored as such.

Answer 3

The question could be framed in reverse.  Why is it so hard for you to accept that I might not be in denial?  Why are you so defensive when I say my experience was a positive one?

Just because a person was adopted does not mean their experience should always be negative.  Maybe I do not understand your premise.  Does having a pre-adoption history, many times of which one is not fully aware, make the whole adoption experience a negative one?  I do not think so.  The whole experience can still be a positive one.

Added to say:

The definition of denial from the Merriam-Webster online Dictionary

1: refusal to satisfy a request or desire

2 a (1): refusal to admit the truth or reality (as of a statement or charge) (2): assertion that an allegation is false b: refusal to acknowledge a person or a thing : disavowal

3: the opposing by the defendant of an allegation of the opposite party in a lawsuit

4: self-denial

5: negation in logic

6: a psychological defense mechanism in which confrontation with a personal problem or with reality is avoided by denying the existence of the problem or reality

From the American Heritage online dictionary:

A refusal to comply with or satisfy a request.

Denial:

A refusal to grant the truth of a statement or allegation; a contradiction.

Law The opposing by a defendant of an allegation of the plaintiff.

A refusal to accept or believe something, such as a doctrine or belief.

Psychology An unconscious defense mechanism characterized by refusal to acknowledge painful realities, thoughts, or feelings.

The act of disowning or disavowing; repudiation.

Abstinence; self-denial.

If I have accepted my reality, acknowledged my thoughts or feelings, no matter how painful, then I am not in denial.  The people on this site do not know what one has confronted, what one has been made aware of, or what one has gone through.  So, to say that one is in denial or in a fog without actually knowing that person is actually disregarding that person's reality, life, stiuation, experience, etc.  And, that could mean that you are in denial or a fog.  Or, maybe you are transferring your reality onto another.  Accept one's experience for what it is and I will accept yours.  

But, again the question, in reverse, is why is one considered to be in denial if one claims that one's adoption experience was a positive one?  The question posed has nothing to do about searching.  The question has to deal with being in denial or being in a fog.  My point is do not label someone if you do not know their history..  That person could have searched and found out their own history and still consider the whole experience as positive.

Added:

I am not going to say that one cannot consider the whole experience positive or negative.  What I am saying is the some feel that the whole experience can be a positive one.  Sure, there is a loss that one feels.  Sure, there are problems with the adoption process.  Sure, most who are adopted do not know their true history.  But, as one looks back over their life and experience up to one's point of existence, one can consider the experience positive.  My problem is the labeling part.  Do not label me as being in fog or in denial.  Do not tell me how I should feel.  Do not project your feelings onto me.  Do not get upset when I do not feel the same way you do.  And, I do not mean you directly, beegirl.

Answer 4

As a human - not even as an adoptee - I resent when anyone else presumes to *know* how I currently feel, will feel in the future, or should feel, about anything. That goes for politics, religion, interests, hobbies, movies, books, adoption - anything. No one else knows what I think, how I feel, or what I believe, except for me - and that certainly applies to someone who only knows me tangentially or who can only relate on one small part of my existence.

Much as I will ignore someone who believes that their religious experience/belief system is the only way, I will ignore anyone who believes that their experience in life has anything to do with my experience - and that would go for an adopted sibling, or a biological sibling who was also adopted.

Answer 5

I think what bothers me the most is when people think that having searched or being honest about having feelings about being adopted means a "negative experience."  That's just dumb.  

I didn't search until I was 35.  For me, personally, I felt quite settled and secure at that point in my life that I was good with doing it.  

I never once thought about being "grateful" to be adopted.  I mean, I was just another member of the family in my afamily's eyes, so why would I feel "grateful" in ways that my brother (my aparents' biological child) wouldn't?  Although I never questioned that my afamily viewed me as a real part of the family, no one ever denied that there was a previous family in my life, either.  Since they acknowledged my first family, it made it feel okay for me to acknowledge my first family without feeling like I was dishonoring my adoptive family by doing so.  That was very positive.

Answer 6

Not all adoptees will feel that way. It's like telling someone they are not allowed to feel fine, or that "well, you feel fine now but you won't for long" I am not in any kind of denial about my adoption. I know who's child I am and where I was supposed to be ( my afamily ) I belong with them, my birth Mother was there to bring me here, they were there to get me to where I am now. Heck, I even had someone tell me I should give up my children because I don't think DNA always = who your parents are supposed to be. Why is it so hard for people to believe that not everyone is going to feel hurt by it? I see nothing negative about being adopted. I forget I am half the time anyway, it doesn't matter how i got to my family. I got there just the same.

Answer 7

i've dealth with this my whole life.  why is it so hard to understand that just bc i love my a family, it doesn not negate my hatred of adoption?

Answer 8

I too was there.  I didn't wake up from it until two years ago.  I have had a very rude awakening. I have researched adoption thoroughly.  I still don't know a great deal about it.  What I have found is only the tip of the iceberg.

A natural mother that I know once said,"If adoption is so great, which child are you willing to give up?"  I honestly think not many would.  Adoption has a very very dark side to it.  I don't think many want to look at it either.  Every time I think adoption can't get any worse, it does.  

The adoption industry does not seek to protect adoptees, the natural parents or the adoptive parents.  There is no protection for any of us.  We are the buck that they desparately seek and want.  Every day I read something that is horrifying in the news about adoption.  Pedophiles that are allowed to adopt.  Adoptive parents who are not equiped to handle the complications of international/domestic adoption.  Adoptees fighting to get access to their records.  Natural parents who fight to raise their own children when they decide to raise their own children.  I am not talking years after the fact.  I am talking minutes/hours after the fact.  There is no way for a prospective adoptive parent to check out an agency.  Adoptees are taken for serious cash just to have our natural parents contacted.  CIs seriously s***w up reunions.  The reason why records are not opened is because agencies literally fear being sued for their actions against our natural and adoptive parents.  

I don't honestly care if an adoptee searches or not.  I just want them to be able to prove that they are indeed American citizens.  They can use their OBC to line their cat boxes.  I just don't want adoptees to feel guilt, I don't want adoptees to have to feel grateful for their existence, and I don't want any adoptee to have a bad adoption experience either before or after they search.

Answer 9

I'm not an adoptee, but as a general rule, I do not believe that anyone can, or should, be telling anyone else what they should (or should not) be feeling.  Human beings are unique individuals and each one experiences what life has to offer in a different manner than every other human being.

So, I would guess that the reason the "You are in denial" statement might be received defensively, is because it is implying that the speaker somehow has the right and authority to tell the listener what he/she should be feeling.  That's a pretty personal attack, whichever way you spin it.

Answer 10

What makes it so hard for you and others to say that we do not have to be living in denial?   I shared that my son just met his birth family , and I think that he has experienced some loss, however not to the point of others here, which by the way, I do not say do not exist.  I am adopted and so is my daughter- and we both are fine- I MEAN REALLY fine= what is wrong with being extremely grateful to be adopted?

Answer 11

Denial.... Who doesn't like denial?  The sky is a beautiful vibrant purple in my little world.  ouuuuuu ahhhhhh  JK.

I do question when someone tells me that something is 100% positive.  Marriage there are goods and bads to every single marriage.  Chocolate good and bad (lbs).  Spa day good and bad ($$).  Raising children good days and bad days.  You see nothing is 100%  To some degree love maybe.  I can love my husband with all my heart but ohhh there are days as much as i love him, i don't like him very much.

I think that sometimes you can be in denial and not recognize it.  Some people never come out of their denial.  Its a coping mechanism.  I know there are things that are just too much for me to handle.  Although i do recognize it, i will say okay thats enough i'm going into my little room.  My friends laugh and ask me what color the sky is in my world.  I always tell them its the most vibrant purple you've ever seen!  

Point being i think we all have used denial at one time or another in almost every aspect of our lives.  When we use the term denial it is almost always in reference to the past.  So we cannot judge others for being in denial when to them its not.  Its their current reality.  

Seriously hoping i'm making sense here.

Answer 12

I really don't want to answer this question, because I think it's just going to make things worse, here, but something does occur to me.

I think many adoptees who do have issues regarding adoption are intimately familiar with how they have deceived themselves for years.  

For example, in my own case, I knew that I could not say anything negative about adoption to anyone.  Society did not want to hear it.  And I knew that people would either dismiss me or judge me harshly.  So I kept it to myself and parroted the line that adoption was good and that I was lucky.

For other adoptees, who may have really believed that simple view of adoption for years, and then come to terms with their ambivalence towards adoption, they will recognize similar behaviors.  For them, coming to terms with their ambivalence is like coming out of a "fog."  They know the level of self-deception that they must have engaged in to suppress those feelings for so long.  When those adoptees see others acting the way they acted, it's easy to recognize that behavior and interpret it as denial.

Is it denial?  It's not my place to say.  I don't know those adoptees that claim only positive feelings for their adoption.  I cannot gainsay them.  I cannot tell them that's not how they feel.  And I should not.  (I may believe it.  And I'm not saying I do, I'm saying I MAY.  But that belief, if I have it, does not give me any right to tell them so.)

It's true that defensiveness is a hallmark of denial.  But it's also a sign of being defensive.  It might be that they don't want to be told how to feel.  And that's something I can understand.  I don't want to be told how to feel, either, by anyone.  

If an adoptee who was formerly entirely positive comes to recognize an ambivalence within themselves, I hope that they will be able to find people to discuss that with.  This place is not a good place to "come out of the fog."  This place is all the worst elements of society's attitudes distilled and focused.

But if an adoptee who is entirely positive about adoption stays that way, then good.  Seriously.  I don't think their feelings undermines the complexities of adoption.  I don't think their feelings undermine the need for education and reform.  But I, for one, am happy if there are completely positive adoptees out there.  I don't wish pain on other people.  I like happy endings.  And if someone has one, I won't begrudge them that.  I only request they don't begrudge others the reform that is needed, and the pain that is sometimes felt.

I suspect I've written something to upset everyone.  I hope not.  But I cannot know someone else's heart.  And they can't know mine.  It's the sorrow of alienation.  And I won't impose more hurt on the world by telling someone else how they feel.

I do understand what you are asking, beegirl.  But I do suspect some of the defensiveness comes from feeling told how they really feel.

Answer 13

I don't know who's in denial and who is not.  If some adoptees say they are happy and feel no need to search, I take them at their word.  If they really are in denial, then getting out of that place is part of their journey.  Nobody can "lift the fog" for them.

I do know that it's very easy for adoptees to be defensive.  If we feel deep down that our first mother did not want us, then we may well feel defective, and may believe our adoptive parents will not want us either if we fail to be absolutely perfect or dare to ask about the "bad" parents who "threw us away."

I'm not talking about reality or reason here, just feelings.  I had a good adoption experience, but I grew up in a time and place where adoption was not discussed much.  As a child, being adopted felt like walking a tightrope to me--if I said or did one thing wrong, I might fall forever.

Answer 14

I think some adoptees just don't want to search. that is their choice. i just don't like it when the accusation is thrown at me that because i searched i'm in some way being disloyal to my adoptive parents. i'm so insecure with my life that is the reason i'm searching. it's the excat opposite for me. i'm very secure person, and have a wonderful relationship with my a-parents. if it wasn't for that relationship i don't think i would of searched.  in no way did i search because of some day dream fanasty that most accuse us of having. there were just some questions i wanted answered and i wanted to hear it from my b-mom.  i will always believe that my adoptive parents are my mommy and daddy. at the end of the day they were the ones their for me. i don't think it's about denial that upsets some it's the accusation that we who search don't love our a-parents or are insecure. and the same goes to those who say those who don't want to search are in denial, they just don't feel like searching. there are some adoptees that are like that.

Answer 15

Great point!  The definition of denial is "An unconscious defense mechanism characterized by refusal to acknowledge painful realities, thoughts, or feelings."  

You can't say that you aren't in denial, how would you know?  It's an unconscious defense mechanism!  You don't know until afterwards when you think, wow, I really was in denial.

To the people who think that everything is all positive, please keep an open mind and acknowledge that the people who you call "negative" are speaking from experience. You can't say that you will never feel that way, you don't know that.  Listen to what people are saying, really listen.  If you never feel "negative", good for you.  I on the otherhand, never say never, because you never know.

Answer 16

Quietst and Jennifer have it right..

The issue of "denial" has been brought up with adoptees who say that they were not TRAUMATIZEd by the fact that they were relinquished and adopted, that it has not affected them negatively in a psychological way.. that THEY do not feel as thought they experienced a permanently painful loss through adoption.

How on earth can ANYONE else  know what someone is or should be feeling?? Everyone experiences things in a different way.. I think people who talk about denial and adoption fog are the ones that are too quick to dismiss people who say they are happy for their lives and  how adoption has affected them positively..

Really, NO ONE should be able to tell anyone how to feel.. you don't even know them??

Some people really get traumatized by wisdom teeth surgery.. Just because I wasn't ,does that mean I'm in some kind of denial?? Maybe I really am not traumatized!! but neither would I try to tell someone who almost died because the surgeon made tons of mistakes and caused excruciating pain that they shouldn't be traumatized.. OF course I am not trying to say that adoption is as "simple" a thing as wisdom-teeth extraction.. I'm just saying, as I keep saying, that  no one should tell anyone else how to feel, or even THINK that they know how anyone besides themselves should feel about something.

By traumatized, I'm not trying to say that there is NOT a temporary trauma that every baby faces when separated from it's mother.. what I'm trying to say is that if a person says that did not affect them negatively psychologically for the rest of their life, I BELIEVE THEM!!.. Really, I think it IS possible for adoption to not "destroy" someone's psyche..

I think Phil's answer is balanced and good..