Why are so many adoptive parents afraid of their children's original families?

Question

I would like to add that I know there are also adoptive parents who include the original families in their lives! I am curious about the one's who do not.

Answer 1

afraid they will want the child back or try to kidnap the child

Answer 2

I'm not afraid of my children's first family.

Answer 3

because  most  of the time  the family  that  gave the child away  are   unsavoury characters  and  should  not  be allowed to  benefit  from an other family's  hard  work  in raising  a child  that  was given away  like  old clothing .

Answer 4

I am certainly not "afraid" of my daughter's first family. Your wrong to over generalize...how many adoptive parents do you know?

Answer 5

Although this is a sweeping statement I understand where you are coming from. NOT ALL APARENTS have fears. Some have great relationships. Some as stated fear for the safety of their children like any parent would. Some are insecure and controling and that is a shame. There is always room for more love within the human heart, and it has nothing to do with loving another person less.

You have 2 answerers here who just don't get it. Not all first parents throw their kids away like trash. You need to understand how hard of a decision that really is. And the other one is a classic example of insecurity. If love grows in your heart for a new person are those feelings taken away from someone else you love?  I meet new people all the time and I am constantly amazed by how much one little heart can give. It has nothing to do with the love for the parents that raised you.

Answer 6

Its not a matter of being afraid persay like being afraid of a spider or something. Its more of a case of being scared that somthing bad might happen if your foster child goes back with their biological parents. I was in foster care when I was little and adopted when i was 12. But my parents had two little foster girls before I was even born and they had placed the children back with their biological parents and then where they were living the building caught on fire and they died because of it, and I know there was always that fear that something bad would happen if we had gone back to one of our biological parents and I know they were glad they got to keep us.

Answer 7

I am not remotely afraid of my child's original parents. I think they made some poor choices that caused their children to need different parents. The only thing that I am afraid of is how my child will one day have to deal with the truth of his life and his siblings' lives prior to adoption. I can't imagine the heartbreak of him reading his history and medical file....it was difficult enough for me to read. As a parent, I never want my child to suffer for something that had nothing to do with him. I sincerely hope that, over the next decade or so, my child's original parents figure out their lives and make some healthy changes....so that one day he can be meet them under different circumstances....when they are ready and prepared to be a healthy, loving outlet for him.

Some people are scared that original parents will replace them or that the child will feel something more for their original parents. I don't know what my child will feel like when the time comes....but I don't think having multiple people who love and adore you is a bad thing.....more healthy love for my child will always be the best thing for him!

Answer 8

Just afraid of the bfather that threw my sons first mom down an flight of stairs while pregnat with him and threatened her and a room full of kids with a gun.

Well I guess I'm not that afraid sense we visited him in jail and afterward.

Answer 9

Not afraid........I think adoptive parents become protective of their children just as bio parents do.

When you see something that your children is vulnerable to, or was hurt by, you want to protect them.  Make them know the'r loved and okay.

Answer 10

My son came into my life through an international adoption and the only thing I really know is his mother's and oldest son's names.  I am certainly not afraid of his natural family, in fact, I look forward to meeting them when my son is older and if he expresses interest in doing so.

Answer 11

I know what is in my adoptive son's past. He will be dealing with the scars for a very long time.

Answer 12

because of the f'ing media, publicizing every overturned adoption case as if it were the tragedy of the century.

The truth is that adoptions are terribly difficult to overturn, and that if adoptive parents were being fair, when an adoption is challenged in the early stages, the children would be returned with a minimum of fuss.

Some parents just don't seem to understand that love shared is multiplied, not divided, and that their kids are just as capable of loving more than two parents as the parents are of loving more than one child.

Answer 13

Its mostly b-cuz their afaird that the real mother will come back n take the child away for good.

Answer 14

Jealousy and insecurity I guess

I'm so happy my adoptive parents aren't that way.  I love both my Moms and my adoptive Mom is the coolest Mom ever :)  I doubt that we would be as close as we are if she got jealous

Answer 15

HUH?!

I'm not.  Where have you gotten this idea?

The APs I have met either cherish these relationships or wish that their adoption was more open so their child could get to know their nmom.  Maybe things were like that thirty years ago, but philosphies have changed on this.

Answer 16

Can't generalize, but 'some' may want to pretend the child is theirs (ie with no past), and want to live in a rose tinted ideal.

'Some' want to 'own' that child, he/she is a possession.

Of course some, want to protect the child, from facts they know about...ie the child maybe a product of rape or incest.  Who wants a child to ever find that out.

My own adoptive mother, had a history with my birth mother (cousins) Amother, often took, things birth mother had, she was competitive and it was all about adoptive mother 'winning' and sense of entitlement. (not a usual situation) Oh and adoptive mother would tell EVERYONE what she'd done, she saw herself as some sort of martry/saint. Guess there must be others, who are ego driven.

Answer 17

I am not afraid of either of my DD's First Families.  I cherish any relationship they are able to offer and welcome them fully into our lives and their daughter's lives.

Answer 18

they are afraid that the child will call them mum and dad or the real parents wanting them back. i guess it could be the worse feeling ever if your child decides to call them mum and dad if they meet. you've looked after them all tehir life, fed them, clothed them and loved them with all your heart and their real parents walk back in their life and that all changes. that would be the hardest thing to handle.

Answer 19

Jealousy. Your adoptive parents feel like you will like your new family better because you will obviously be like them in some ways. My mom told me she was jealous about me finding my birthmom, but she had to get over it because she knew it was something I needed to do for me.

The adoptive family needs to be sat down and they need to know that just like they can love more than one child you can love more than one family. Your not taking your love away from them, its just growing.

Make sure to include adoptive family in the process of reunion too (when your comfortable doing so!). That should help a little so they dont feel left out.

And no matter what happens. Dont let adoptive family make you feel bad. Your biological family is still your family. You have every right to know who you are regaurdless of what others may say.

Answer 20

I am in a foster care type of situation raising kids who are related to me.  Their father would say that we are afraid of him.  

But the fact is that we are not afraid of HIM, we are afraid of the pain that he repeatedly inflicts upon them every time he sees them.  

He presents himself as a nice guy who just a victim of circumstance.  But his kids suffer profoundly as a result of his behavior.  I am not the least bit afraid of HIM....but I constantly fear for the well-being of the kids.

Answer 21

I am too busy healing my children's scars from their family of origin to worry about anyone's feelings.

This is not though the same in all cases, but in ours, the kids comes first and they were NOT given any chance in their first 2-4 years.