Why are so many men out there so intimidated by me all because I have a goal and a plan in life?

Question

I am going to school, I have a good job, got my own car, my own place and i buy my own stuff..i NEVER ask a man for money or anything of equal value..i stand on my own two feet and I never depend on anyone..not even my parents...

So I asked my pyschology teacher what am I doing wrong, I am I always single...he says is because I come off as being very independent and I don't look needy....when a guy comes on to me.. i have a tough exterior and they don't like that....he said men want a woman that is vulnerable, emotionally sensitive and dependent...

So, why are man so intimidated by my rise to success?

Answer 1

I think 'intimidated' is a word you use in order to make yourself feel better about your loneliness. The word is 'unattracted' and maybe if you climbed down off your high horse you might find a guy you like before your biological clock starts making you even more neurotic than you already are.  

Answer 2

it's not attractive to a guy BIOLOGICALLY unless he sees you as needing him...in a traditional way,

If you are entirely independant and self-sufficient, AND even putting on a hard shell of an exterior.you are playing defense, and scaring any would be takers away

AND youre showing them youre in the male role kind of (a guy NEEDS you to seem a bit needy of being taken care of, a little, just a bit here and there even would be enough

it seems feminine to us, for you to NOT be hard shell and self-sufficient

It seems male to us to be be so.

Thats what youre up against .

But I'd say just be yourself Nikki. Because youre a likeable character for sure, and youre you and that's everything!

So youre right to be whatever you are, andf want someone to like you that way.

But I 'd temper that advice with the idea that it doesnt hurt to act and dress a little sexier than usual when your out to date. Ya know?

Then when you get on the date, dont talk about being defensive and un-needing and self- reliant. Dont talk about those things,. Talk about you! Talk about your interests.

Be charming you can be. Your q's reveal a character who's likeable and interesting. BE that interesting person. Just leave the defense at home, and dress up a bit and be a little sexual and flirty and enjoy the feeling of getting to a guy. And if you re not good at those things, hey practice! :)  Thats what dates are for! Go on a bunch.

But just be you - and dream of the kind of guy you want.

Really dream about the qualitites you want him to have, exactly what you want him to be like.  

Because if you spend the energy thinking that up and keeping it in your heart, well it's like praying. He'll show up. It's ask and you'll receive (and I dont even beleive in religion) but i know this is true).

So dream - it has a purpose.

And then be you, but be OPEN. Ok?

I wish I could say this all better. All things take time you know. The ability to get things right, and becoime good at doing things in life, can take a few years to aquire..

.Just enjoy the trip, dont worry so much.

Hold the dream in your heart. Think of it sometimes, and then let the idea go (forget about thinking of it constantly, and go about your business) THAT'S when it'll showe up!

And then you just gotta be open to him when he comes, thats all!

Answer 3

How do you know they're intimidated? Perhaps all your confidence and self-assuredness comes off as arrogance, brashness, that kind of attitude. If so, it's unattractive and that's why they buzz off. They aren't intimidated, they are turned off.  

Answer 4

I don't think this is true men love women with her own things and interests, you are coming across as an a*****e, that's probably something to do with it.

"Men are afraid of strong independent women" its a myth invented by a******s to explain their unpopularity. have you not noticed that the majority of women are independent and have been for some time,.they still manage to attract men don't they?

Answer 5

Dating a person is not about economics my friend.  A real man is never intimidated by a woman, but, I know a lot of women that feel they intimidate men.  By what I can tell, it is their looks, age, or demeanor, which is really at fault and their pride stands in the way of their attracting a potential mate.

Answer 6

Not all of them are. Don't avoid showing men you're independent; because you can filter out the ones who don't want the real YOU.

Answer 7

Well, if you tell guys to move away when they try to flirt with you, why would they bother trying again? You can be as successful and independent as you want, but you don't have to keep your guard up all the time. Men tend to prefer a woman who is independent, but allows herself to need outside comfort every once in a while.

Answer 8

Well it's not rocket science dear.  Men want to feel needed.  Actually we all want to feel needed.  

Instead of showing off about how capable you are just smile and be nice once in awhile.  If the cute guy next door shovels the snow off your walk, don't say, "I could have done that you know".  Of course he knows!  Just say, "Wow thanks, you just saved me an evening with a sore back!"

A lot of women fall into this trap where we've forgotten how to accept a compliment and we've forgotten how to accept kindness.

It's very simple....Thank you so much, how thoughtful.

Add:  Wow Doodle..that was harsh!

Answer 9

Sometimes it can make a man insecure. His job is to provide.

Plus it is scary dating a woman who knows how to get what she wants.

Answer 10

It sounds to me like it's not your success that turns them off, most men like an independent woman, they just don't like the attitude. By your rant it sounds like you are carrying around this attitude that says look at me at don't need anyone. That isn't appealing to anyone, not even a man to have that sort of an attitude because no man is an island. We need each other in this world even if it's just for companionship, but we need to love and trust one another to confide in and to help encourage one another. Until you learn that, life may be a pretty lonely place. Men just want to know you, not rule over you, so take it down a notch.

Answer 11

I  don't  know  but  you  have  not  met  me  yet....

     and ................................ GOOD  for  you.

Answer 12

The targets often hide our dreams that when we reach not make us evil and disappoint us even more ..

Someone one day, he said: "Set small goals to your life .. reach them and you will be happy .. and if they do not, you'll have only recently renounced ..!"

The true wisdom is in living life as if it were the last day ... because every day is an achievement .. and you will notice in small things daily, in small joys .. in those small smiles .. you truly fill the life ..

We embrace

Alba

Answer 13

sweethart...  guys only want to use us an control us... they cant stand it that they NEED US for evrything an we DONT NEED THEM for anything...  jus ignore those jerks...  who cares wat they think anyway...

theres nothing wrong with ur life jus cuz u dont have a man in it...  in fact ur life is perfect... u got evrything going for u!!!  be happy the way u r....  u dont need any guy...

Answer 14

I don't agree with your psychology teacher.

Certainly, there are some men (and women) who prefer vulnerable and/or dependent partners, but as far as I have known and heard... nowadays, most heterosexual men in the U.S. prefer dating women who have their sh*t together yet are still emotionally expressive and sensitive to them.

Why would they be intimidated by one having a career, car, place, etc?

Especially when they have their own, and we're not intimated by them.

Perhaps you should explore into other reasons why you don't often date men, maybe it has little or nothing to do with your rise to success.

For me, it matters to be sensitive, emotionally and mentally supportive of each other, without being needy or dependent.

Answer 15

That is the subtle form of saying you're a b*tch. Your teacher makes it seems like guys are UNICEF that come to the aid of the poor woman.  

Answer 16

Speaking as a normal guy, if you keep this topic at anywhere close to everyday conversation you will come across as arrogant and self-centered.  I do not entirely agree with what your psychology teacher said, but he does make the point that men (to use a different perspective) do seek partnership.

Not knowing you at all, I would still find it difficult to find you attractive if what you wrote above came up as how you described yourself on a first date. This is because I would be concerned about your ability to adjust to my goals in life, and you might be too demanding that we focus on your goals alone, and mine would be ignored.  A relationship involves compromise, and what you have said of yourself thus far suggests that you might not be so great in this area.

Toughness is also unattractive to most guys, and you quite probably reiterate your status as independent, and even isolationist, often.  You might call it intimidation, I call it unworkability: you are likely to come across as self-centred and few guys want a woman who spends her time telling him how much she does not really need him: this is especially true if you expect devotion and dependence from him.  Remember also that you will convey your sense of independence in more ways than words.

You say you are in a rise to success, and by certain standards, that is true, but that success has not been in the area of relationships, as you admit.  The reasons I have suggested may be why.

Again, not knowing you, these are reasons I would give, apart from any physical issues that MAY be there.  Men are visual.  Deal with it, and I am sure you have your own set of physical standards that you want a bloke to adhere to.  You have mentioned nothing about how you look, but i will say that most men will still run away from you for the reasons I set out above.

EDIT: Gold Digger's comments are typical of her, and unhelpful: you do seem to want a man in your life, and this is not wrong.  She seems to think that we aim to control women and any man would want to oppress you.  Happy to tell you that she is wrong and oh-so-arrogant for putting words in the mouths of men generally.  

If I made similarly general negative sweeping comments about women being grasping and manipulative, I would be reported, so I trust you will ignore her spiteful foolishness.

You want a man.  I have made some suggestions.  You might find them negative, but you must approach potential partners with a sense of adding to them and being prepared to change and accept differences.  They must view you in the same way.  

From what little I know of you here, you might be leading with your ego.  I am hoping that you find this unattractive in a man, and so men find it in women.  

I wish you all the best, and I hope you were not looking for an answer that could excuse your current situation.  Getting into a relationship involves a certain amount of selling of oneself, and this must include what you have to offer the other person.

EDIT 2

Okay, so you have got some good feedback in terms of looks....

"but i just dont want them to think that i need them for anything"

Contrary to what you seem to think, and as non-PC and anti-feminist and traditional as this might seem, men do want women who need something of what they have to offer.  

I am absolutely sure that you want something from them: otherwise you would not be looking for a bloke.  If you don't NEED them in some way, then you will condemn yourself to either short-term or shallow relationships.  

You see needing a man (be it emotionally, financially or- I would assume- in other ways) as weakness.  This is not so, but you need to re-train yourself to believe this, and you need to want to adjust yourself in this regard.  You might have a heart of gold, but life is not Hollywood: most people will not invest heavily in someone who gives little in return or reinforces the idea that their partner is dispensible.

Answer 17

I understand where you're coming from because I used to think the same way. I was so focused on the things that I had accomplished in life for myself, that I didn't want to take the time to "look into" accomplishing goals in life with someone else. I'm prior military, so I had to learn in the beginning stages of life to take care of myself (because no one else would). And with the thick skin I developed came the hard shell that I unknowingly created (not letting anyone in, or any love and emotions out). I didn't want to admit it when people would tell me this, because in my mind, I was a catch (No man, no kids, my own place, good credit, paying my own bills). But I soon started to look down on men (with out realizing it) that I felt where not on my level. Settling for no less than the best.

Now, don't get me wrong, you seem like a very strong and independent young woman. But at times we get being independent and being hard to please confused with one another. If you come off as the type of woman that needs nothing from no one or as the brotha's used to tell me "look like you don't play"; then men will steer clear of you. They will look at you and think twice about even talking too you. Because they will feel as though you have everything you need so they bring nothing to the table as far as a relationship is concerned.

Don’t get it twisted, you can still have these things and do stuff for yourself, but in order to attract the type of man that you want you’re going to have to stop thinking about the physical things you do for yourself and have, and start thinking about the things that you want in a relationship from a man. Be careful how you present yourself to a potential mate, meaning try to come off as being fun, easy going, and seeking the companionship of the opposite s*x. Not being needy of clingy, but ready to have a good time and willing to be open minded to meeting new people (men) even if they don’t fit your idea of what’s suitable. You’re strong minded enough to know how to keep people from mistaking your kindness for being weak (based on past experiences and relationships), and to put an end to games before they get started. If you’re like me, you can tell a Bull$h!tter when you see one. But you have to give men a chance to even get to know you for you, vs. what you have and what you’ve done for yourself. If you rattle your accomplishments off like a resume, then most men will not apply for the job.

Get out more, step outside of your comfort zone and meet people. Don’t limit yourself to just men in your specific group, city, or race. Look into finding someone who has the same interest as you, and be approachable! Sometimes you have to be the one to open up lines of communications, approach them and talk to them about something. This way they know it’s cool to open up and talk too you. And always smile, because there always someone watching you even when you think they’re not.

Answer 18

No, I don't think they're intimidated. Most men would be happy for you that you're making your way in the world. But, I understand your question. I had a friend that liked the fact that his girl needed him around the house to do some things that she wasn't capable of. He felt appreciated.

So, within that context, your teacher may have meant that a man may feel that if you don't need him for anything, why bother starting something. There is a difference between being "needy" or wanting someone around to enhance your life. My friends enhance my life with their wit and good humor, and help with a number of projects. Of course this works both ways.

Answer 19

You know..theres nothing wrong with standing on your own 2 feet. I plan to go to college and do exactly the same thing. I want to support myself and not have to rely on anyone else. This is the reason i'm not interested in marriage. I don't see any need in it. I envy you for being so independent. I don't think your doing anything wrong.

Answer 20

You're mean.

Answer 21

Get over yourself.  I've been on my own for a very long time, good job, etc.  You're not intimidating, you're too full of yourself.  Just relax and stop dwelling on your so called "independence."  Focus more on things that don't revolve around money and school -- like hobbies, pets, outside interests.  That will make you more human and less god like.

I make more than 3 times as much as my husband and it makes no difference in our relationship at all.  Totally depends on how you come off about it.

Answer 22

I think it is because men think women who do not depend on them are not dependable and that they would ditch them anytime at the drop of a hat.

Ditch by women in form of

1) Aborting of child or

2) Divorce with heavy loss to males interms of alimony or maintenance.

3) Denial of Child custody or child visitation rights

4) Emotional loss

can hit men hard.

So they(men) try to play safe right from beginning.

Answer 23

my bf loves the fact that im motivated and i have goals and plans because really who wants to be dating a loser with no future who has nothing ahead of them? and btw the way you worded that question makes u look totally up your self... men want a woman who has goals... but they dont want an arrogant woman who puts them down and makes them feel worthless.... i earn the same amount as my bf and he is 8 years older than me but i dont rub that in his face.. i dont need his money but im not gonna go and make him feel worth less by saying "i am going to school, I have a good job, got my own car, my own place and i buy my own stuff.." who said he was ever going to give you that in the 1st place... you SHOULD be taking care of your self...

ok so what im trying to say is your **** does smell so dont get delutions of granduer because no one likes arrogant people... theyre annoying and your last sentence just shows how much you think of your self "my rise to success" please.... who wants to date some one who needs their ego stroked every 15 mins

Answer 24

Maybe you just have a S****y personality? I'm engaged and I have a good job. I'm also going to school. I've never had trouble finding a date.