Why are so many on Yahoo Answers so negative and critical of adoption?

Question

My wife and I are in the process of an open, domestic adoption of an infant.

Answer 1

dont adopt a child for self gratification, because being an adoptive parent is a noble and great deed. do it with no baggages just the intention of helping and nurturing  the little angel out.

Answer 2

Perhaps if you read them, you'd find out

Just a suggestion

How DARE you insult my parents!

Answer 3

Yes. There are too much poor people in the world...

Answer 4

Hi

I think you may find that this site has alot of views. Some good, some bad. Alot of people dont agree to disagree and negativity comes flowing out.

I personally, have nothing bad to say about adoption, as where I come from, adoption is not portraid as a bad or money making thing.

I can understand why people are annoyed at the system in america, It seems to be a black market of Aparents advertising to adopt a child. Thats not right. If things are done in a proper manner, then I cant see how adoption is a wrong thing.

good luck

Answer 5

Omni --

You will find that there are a few very vocal opponents of the adoption process in its current form.

However, there are a few of us who will speak out and say "adoption is OK!" and we are thankful for the opportunity that adoption gave us!

I am an adoptee -- I am not damaged, i am not less than whole and I know exactly who I am regardless of what names on a birth certificate might say.  My birthmom gave me life but my parents gave me a life worth living and molded me into the person I am.

There are a lot of people who don't care about their adoptee status and you won't hear from them -- they're not out on boards like this; they've gone on with their lives as any other person would.  I came across these boards when reunion happened and the searcher wouldn't take NO for an answer.

My point is -- adoption is a great thing.  If you choose to do an open adoption and it works for you, then great.  If that's not what you want and you want a closed adoption, then great, too.  There is nothing wrong with wanting an infant so that you don't miss any of the incredible steps as he/she grows.  There's nothing like watching a baby grow and all the firsts that are involved.

Good luck in your adoption process.  i wish you all the best.

ETA::::  BEEGIRL -- are you saying depression and relationship disorders ONLY affect adoptees and it is solely the result of our adoption?  What about bios who are affected by these issues?

ETA to GERSHOM's incredibly rude, confrontational post::::::

I still don't understand how he is being selfish because they want an infant to bond with?  I guess they should wait until the child makes its way through the foster care system after abuse and neglect and then adopt.  Not everyone can or wants a 6+ year old child, they want a family and they want the joy of the first steps, first smiles, first gas, etc.

Adoption doesn't need to be a LAST OPTION.  Mothers who WANT to give up their child should be able to without people like you and the rest of your band of flying monkies telling them they're horrible for considering it and that they should keep their child.

It is a family building option -- like it or not.  Out of everyone who answered the question of who would you have rather raised you, all but two answered their adoptive parents.  Apparently, the family building business is successful in creating loving homes for MOST adoptees as evidenced by the answers to that question.

and, as an fyi -- babies cry the first 6 weeks or so whether or not they have their mothers.  Babies cry for a variety of reasons and any person that has been there for awhile, that speaks in a soothing tone, rocks and provides love and nurishment, will soothe that child.  it is ludicrous to think that ONLY babies who have been adopted cry because they want their mothers.

He is NOT selfish and not everyone who adopts should or will go through foster care.

and as an fyi -- not every child that is adopted is DAMAGED -- i, as well as others on this board are trying to get that point across but again, you and your band of flying monkies keep insisting that we are damaged because we are adopted.  Hogwash, balderdash and pig spit -- we are not damaged because we are adopted and i don't care what joe soll and nancy verrier say about it.  We say tht based on our personal experience; We say tht because we have our lives that we are happy for, adopted or not.  We say that because we have not blamed every wrong turn in our lives on adoption - we accept responsibility for what we can change, what we choose and what we do.

Why should he encourage the mother to parent?  isn't that what her family is there for?  isn't that what counselors are there for?  obviously, she's made the choice to relinquish.

why should he support the baby and her mom?  isn't that what her family is for?  you keep acting like everyone is supposed to open their pocketbooks and support the birthmother too -- that's what her family is for and if she doesn't have the support of her family adn can't support the child well, it sounds like she's decided relinquishing is the best choice for her.

He may be a stranger to the baby now but when he and his wife bring that baby home, they will no longer be strangers.  They will be parents.  As far as strangers, when i met my birthparents at 30+ years old, they were strangers to me.  How do you know that baby doesn't want him?  you just ASSUME to speak for every infant out there?  you just assume that he is going to be a horrible parent to this child because you are 'angrate'?  get off your high horse and quit cramming your insensitive rude opinions down everyone else's throat who may consider adopting a child before that child makes it into the turmoil of foster care.

You're critical because you're angry (your words -- angrate).

Let others have their joy.

Answer 6

I think you should do what is right for your family. Don't let spiteful people deter you from that.

Answer 7

Adoption IS a beautiful thing regardless of the negative comments you see on this board.  There are about 10 or so very verbal angry adoptees who want to push their anger on others as if their lives tells the whole story of adoption.  But it doesn't.  They are a very small fraction of the big picture--a drop in the ocean.  They have an agenda and they try to force it on everyone else.  

You are not selfish to want to adopt an infant--it is your RIGHT to be a parent. (If you are one of the angry adoptees who have your curser hovering over the "thumbs down" button when you see my posts, well, let 'er rip".  I make no apologies for that statement.)  The majority of the people in the world are parents and the majority are GOOD parents.  I think that adoptive parents as a whole are exceptional parents and may even try harder because of the difficulties they go through to become parents.  Regardless of what you read on this board, it is extremely possible to raise a happy, well adusted adopted child to adulthood.  My grown daughter is living proof of that as well as the many responses from happy adoptees who answered your question.  The majority of adoptive children/adults ARE truly happy, well adjusted people.....they just don't feel a NEED to defend their happiness and blessings to a few angry people.  

I wish you all of God's blessings for your family and pray that your happiness and children fill your home.

Answer 8

DIE!!! DIE!!! may u be condemned to h**l!!!

(sarcasm)

ahem*

i dont know y ppl would be... adopting a children gives that child a new life, and a better future. if they stayed at an orphanage or something like that, their chances for goin to jail increases by so much b/c they dont have any standards at all! so good job! *pat on the back

Answer 9

Actually, even here, the preponderance of opinion is that adoption is a positive, "wonderful thing." By my count, this question has so far generated 14 answers saying adoption is an almost unadulterated positive, or that those who offer critiques of the adoption system are crazy, angry messed up people (I'm exagerrating, but not by much). That is versus, by my count, 6 answers that are explaining what negatives and problems they see in adoption or the adoption system--some vehemently and simply, but mostly with long and reasoned arguments. And then there are 3 that I see as relatively neutral. And I guess mine would be either in the second or the third category, I'll let you decide. And as always, your judgement of exact numbers may vary from mine.

My point is that it does not seem to me to be correct that "so many... are so negative and critical of adoption"--rather far from it, actually. And that is on here. In the "real world" you almost always here only the "adoption is wonderful and positive and great for everyone!" version. So some on here are trying to help educate people to see that there is another side. In my experience, the most reasoned and reasonable and nuanced answers on here are from those who think that there are some negative aspects to adoption and that reform is necessary. Few would say adoption is all negative, though some probably would. Most of the adult adoptees who are vocal on here for adoption reform are from what they themselves say are happy adoptive families. Few see adoption as all negative, but just because they don't see it as all positive, their diverse and nuanced opinions are lumped together as "angry adoptees" who had "negative adoption experience" or "bad [adoptive] parents."

Of course the other side is that prospective adoptive parents sometimes come to Y!A to ask how to adopt. And sometimes the way they ask is ignorant enough (i.e. they don't just ask questions about the adoption process, but they instead ask if anyone knows a woman who wants to give them her baby) that they get jumped on. And some prospective adoptive parents ask in a way that is more neutral, but still get jumped on, though they usually get positive answers as well.

Look, it sounds as if you are going into this for the right reasons and with the right attitude (i.e. realizing that you are not "rescuing" or "saving" a child and wanting to keep an open relationship with the child's first mother (and hopefully first father, first grandparents, etc.)). And even though you asked your question negatively, I think most of those critical of the adoption "system" recognize this. I urge you to stick around and really listen to the adult adoptees and first mothers and fellow adoptive parents (like me!) on here. I believe there is a lot to learn that will help us to be better parents to our children.

EDITED TO ADD:

Oh, okay then, now we see where you are coming from! You got ONE actually negative and angry response -- ONE!!! The rest were very balanced and nuanced and said that there were positives and negatives to adoption. I thought they were very conciliatory, actually. But apparently you were not asking an honest question, but instead already had your mind made up. Too bad. Really, too bad. Because you really could learn things from adult adoptees. And all of us adoptive parents need to learn from adult adoptees. Because our adopted children will grow up to be adult adoptees. And so if we don't want to be "crappy" adoptive parents, and create "angry adoptees" then we should listen, really listen to their stories, and strive to understand what we can to help our kids to feel strong and happy in themselves, as adoptees.

But no, you don't want to listen, because they are "angry." And they couldn't possibly have good reasons for that -- it must be their "crappy parents."

Sigh. Shakes head. Giving up now.

Answer 10

On any forum like this one, the most vocal and prolific contributors are people who feel passionate about the topic.  In the real world, I know (or have known) dozens of people involved with adoption (adoptees, adoptors, case workers, CASA workers, etc) and none express any of the vehemence (and vitriol) I see on this site, from both sides of the issue.  Also, most of us base our opinions on our experiences, and so largely see everything from that side of things.

For myself.  I don't believe adoption is a 'blessing'.  I believe is it a positive outcome to a negative situation (the negatives being death, poverty, abuse, neglect, or any other reason the child cannot be raised by the birth family).  I believe it is our responsibility to care for the children of our society.  Also, if in fulfilling that responsility, you also enjoy some personal satisfaction (the selfishness you refer to) that is okay as well.  

I would also note that your statement that the Fostercare system is 'messed up' is not correct.  In my dealings with the fostercare system, I have only met people who are there to help kids.  The jobs are largely low paying, long hours, large case loads, and has few rewards.  Sure, there are a few bad apples, but in general, I feel these are the kids who really need our help.

Answer 11

I don't think you are being selfish, I think you want what everybody wants, a family. If you do an open adoption, don't decide later to close it, for a birthmom that is like losing a  child twice. We grieve for the loss of our child.

Answer 12

Adoption deals with human beings on all sides of the triad and, as all situations and interactions between human beings are, it is very complex because it encompasses the whole range of human emotions.  

There is no black and white about adoption, it is not all good or all bad.  Until very recently, no one talked about the more negative aspects of adoption, and finally that is changing.  This new development  shocks a lot of people who are emotionally invested for their own reasons in seeing adoption as a total win-win-win for all parties involved.  

As in any major life decision, you must weigh all the factors involved and know what you're getting yourself into.  That means you need to know the possible pitfalls to adoption, as well as the benefits.  Would you want it any other way?  

No one should go blithely into adopting a baby or child thinking it will be all roses and sunshine, because it isn't always happy for everyone.  In order to adopt, some mother and father have to relinquish their rights to that baby.  They may do this willingly, but it's rarely if ever easy for them to do so.  This also means that the baby loses it's original parents and origins in general.  This is not easy to grow up with.  I know, because I was adopted at birth.  Some adoptees aren't bothered by this, but a lot are.  

And, finally, from your perspective as an adoptive parent, you are having to give up the dream of having your own biological child and taking on the special challenges of raising a child that is not yours biologically.

All of these things can be interpreted as negative, but more importantly they are reality.  You need a realistic view of what you are considering and that includes ALL views and opinions.  Please be open-minded and read the answers carefully before making snap judgments.  

Those of us who offer a less-than-glowing view of adoption are labeled as "angry" adoptees and dismissed by many.  But please have no illusion about it, we are one side of adoption, we have lived it and know first hand what we're talking about because we've experienced it.  

I'm not telling you not to adopt, but do it because you really want to help a child in need, not because you want a child to fulfill your needs.

Answer 13

i think it is because people don't think it is rite but me i believe in adoption so why worry about it and go rite ahead and adopt the kid.

Answer 14

if your just adopting to be selfish then i can honestly say your adding to the problem and i hope that the child doesn't have issues due to your decisions.

Hmmm why are so many critical? well maybe because we are th eones that were adopted by selfish people and a selfish government. If you actually read posts from the poeple you find so negativ ei bet you'll find that most of them are adopted. just because people say it's so great... don't believe the hype. it is great when it's done right and your already starting out on the wrong foot.

It amazes me that people get mad at the adoptees on here for being adopted and not being happy and then carry out their self-righteous plans as if the pain isn't real. i know the pain is very real and it will be until people start to care about the kids instead of themselves.

You might not get what you wanted. then what happens to the kid. they get resented because you didn't get what you wanted and they didn't fulfill you fantisy? you had no intention on doing it  for them it's for you so what if you don't want them? then what?

no point in telling you what it does to the child. but i am one of those children. Your statements about doing it so you can have what you want brings me to tears. You don't always get what you want. and sometimes you think you got what you wanted  but then a couple of years down the road you realize you didn't. if you seriously feel like the kids not going to sense that you are sadly mistaken. sadly mistaken.

Answer 15

Hey doesn't the birth father have a right to pick you out. Oh I forgot he is never mention in the adoption plans.  Boy if I was you I would make sure he is or you could be like the couple who forgot that father's do have rights. Like in my son's case they knew at the hospital that the father was not consenting the adoption and they felt like alot of you. He's just a donor, dead beat ect, Funny thing is that the birth mother hid her pregancy (didn't want to lose any child support on other child with the same father)

  Back to your question if you don't do  the adoption right and leave him out what has happened to the couple in talking about could happen to you. Sharing the child (NO ADOPTION) and now being sued for their acts in going along with the adoption agency hidding the child for over a year. You know they have been out alot of expense fighting but not nearly as much as the father. Just do the adoption right.

Answer 16

Adoption can be a wonderful thing.  However, many people here have had negative experiences with adoption and want to put that information out there also.  Everyone is entitled to their own opinion as long as they express it respectfully here.

Unfortunately, some do not choose to be respectful and feel that it is "their way or no way".  Not everyone here is like that but some are.  Unfortunately, potential adoptive parents get a lot of grief here and are often name called.  It isn't fair, and I've never experienced anything like it in real life.

If I can offer any advice on open adoptions, we proceeded with an open adoption several years ago.  Our adoption story, while having some difficult moments, has been a true blessing to our family and our son.  I'm more than happy to share things from an AP's point of view with you if you need help or information.  Feel free to email me thru my profile.  

Sadly, the question you posted has made me seriously realize the "trap" I have fallen into here at Y!A and how I am constantly finding myself being on the defense for my son and the decisions our family has made.  I was originally here to offer support, knowledge and experience to those who could benefit from it as well as learn more about adoption for my son's benefit.  The reality is that the people I came to offer advice to are being scared away.  It's a shame.  We've lost a lot of good people in this category because of it, and I think I'm going to add myself to that list too now.  But I'm always availble through email if you have any questions.  

Good luck to you.  Don't let people here scare you away from adoption.   And thank you for your question.  It was the wake up call that I needed today.  : )

Answer 17

What you perceive as negative and critical is just adoptees reaching out to let you know how adoption affected them.  Pay attention to what they say.  Adoption can be a wonderful thing if the child can truly not be raised by their natural parents but there are also problems that come along with it.  It doesn't matter if  you adopt an infant or an 8 year old.  Adoption causes scars that aren't always obvious. It took me 34 years to truly understand what adoption did to me.  If you had asked me how I felt about adoption before that I would have told you that I was grateful and it was the best thing that ever happened to me.  I now know that all of the problems that I have suffered since I was a child, idenity issues, social anxiety, attachment disorder, depression, trouble with social and romantic relationships etc. etc. were all from adoption.  

Read books like the Primal Wound and Being Adopted: the lifelong search for self.  Make sure you understand what you are getting into.  Know what can happen so that your adopted child will know that it is normal and that they can get help for it and deal with it. Be prepared to parent a child who might not always feel grateful that they were adopted.  Let them grieve for the family they lost.

Adoptees are looking out for the children, the ones who adoption is supposed to help.  We want to make sure that they are raised in open, honest, environments where they are encouraged to be themselves and not feel pressure to be the child that you couldn't have biologically.  Not that you would ask them too, but as an adoptee that was something that I felt deep down inside.

Also keep in mind that most of the adoptees on here were adopted in the 60's and 70's.  There were no open adoptions, our records are sealed. We are not allowed to know our history, medical and otherwise.  Think about how you would feel if you couldn't have access to your own records. A lot of us were relinquished against our mother's will.  My non-identifying information basically says that my biological grandmother pressured my birth mother to give me up. It even says that she broke down in court the first time and wouldn't sign the papers.  She signed them 6 weeks later after meeting with a judge who thought that she had matured a great deal during those 6 weeks.  Did she mature or just give in?  If I ever get to meet her I will ask her.

In the meantime, read the answers with an open mind.  Don't just look for the happy stories, learn from the bad ones.  make sure that history doesn't repeat itself.

Answer 18

There is nothing wrong with what you are doing. Don't let anything you read here scare you from pursuing a family. The negativity you read is frustration, and rightfully so. They come from closed adoptions and are denied rights to their identity.

You are doing the right thing by choosing open adoption and honoring it. Not all birth mothers want this so make sure she is comfortable with contact. The best advice I can give you is to be open and honest with your child. It's the best thing you can do for them emotionally. Good luck.

Answer 19

Because the system is broken.

And in return has turned adoption and foster care into a negative thing...

I would think this logic would be common thought...

To me they are just different writing styles.. Sharp and crude.

Kind and fluffy.

I am pretty dead inside I am not sure I really feel anything left.. it was pretty much beat out of me in foster care.. But it has it's bonuses..

Answer 20

Because people should not use children as commodities - if you and your wife can't have one on your own, then I think you have no right to take someone else's.

Answer 21

I think it is a beautiful thing....life is too short to let the negativity bother you....you and your wife will make the right decision that involves you and her feelings.....be happy

Answer 22

http://www.medicaladoptions.com/index.ht...

Answer 23

Some may of had bad experiences. Or some see adoptive parents trying to prevent their adoptive children to know about their biological family. Some people think adoptees should have no voice, regarding their records.

If you and your wife want to adopt, then go for it. Please be open and honest with your child regarding adoption and never speak bad about the birth mother. You can be honest about the situation surrounding the reason why the birth mother gave the child up. But never speak negative!

Answer 24

Many times people are negative and critical of something they are ignorant to....like adoption!  They need to be educated!

Answer 25

It's mainly about the system.  But, it sounds like you already know that it's broken.  

Also, there are many in society who don't know that there are losses that take place in order for an adoption to occur.  Every relinquished person handles his or her loss differently.  That is something that needs to be validated.  Not all people are willing to do that.  Because people are all made differently, some adopted people have an easier time with it than others.

First parents frequently experience a lot of pain, even if they feel they are doing right by their child.  This, too, should never be dismissed or minimized.  

Unfortunately, adoption in our society has gone from a method of finding homes for children to a method of finding children for families.  That inherently shifts the main goal away from the best interests of the child to the best interest of adults.  That doesn't mean the children don't end up with a lot of good from it.  They often do.  Sometimes they don't.  Adoptive parents are still only human, and lots of kids end up with abusive adoptive parents, just like many end up with good ones.  The same is true of children raised by their biological families.  Adoption is not a guarantee of a better life, just a different one.  It could go either way.

There also are first parents who really would have like to keep their children if they felt they had some support to help them get through the rough part.  This rough part is often what makes them feel they cannot parent, so they end up relinquishing instead.  People who relinquish aren't necessarily people who would be bad parents.  Yes, some really don't want to parent even if they had support.  But, it's sad when someone feels they want to parent but see relinquishment as their only viable option for their child.

These are just a few of the things that must always be remembered in adoption.  So, I'm not against adoption itself.  There are plenty of kids in foster care who need homes.  I am against some of the practices and less than complete representations of adoption.  

Please note that I am in no way saying that you, personally do not understand these aspects.  I am saying that many don't, however, and this affects the adoption process throughout everyone's lives.

Adult adopted citizens also are treated unequally under the law in 44 states.  They cannot obtain copies of their factual records of birth without various conditions being met.  Non-adopted persons are not subject to this.  This is discriminatory.  Although not all adopted people want these records, many do.  Either way, the point is that there should be equality under the law for everyone, whether each individual wants the benefit of that equality or not.  Not all women wanted to vote.  Some women were even against women getting the vote.  But that doesn't mean that the equal treatment under the law shouldn't be there for all, whether they want to use it or not.  By the way, sealed records have nothing to do with so-called "birthparent anonymity."  The law itself, as written, is more than evident of that.  That's another discussion, however.

Just be aware of the full spectrum of adoption when you adopt.  These are the things that make people point out all of the aspects of adoption.  Yes, some of the aspects of it aren't pleasant, but it doesn't mean they should be swept under the rug.  In order to make adoption better for everyone, especially for the child whom it is to serve, the whole picture must be known, understood and accepted.

**ETA to Not_omniscient_enough*******************...

Just so you know, I did not have crappy people adopt me.  I had a good adoptive mom.  This Sunday is the 3rd anniversary of my mom's death, and it's also what would have been her 75th birthday.  I loved my mother and miss her very much.  So, don't dare make derogatory assumptions about that which you know nothing.

The fact that I'd like to see adoption bettered doesn't make me a "bad adoptee" nor does it mean I had a "bad experience."  I'd like to see my country (the U.S.) bettered, as there are problems here.  It doesn't mean I hate it here or that I'm a bad American.

**************************************...

Answer 26

Clear your mind of the the pro-adoption propaganda for a minute and think about it. Really think about it.

When an adoption occurs a child loses his family. His identity is erased. He then is forced to call strangers "Mom" and "Dad".

We live in a society that dictates "Family is Everything" yet adoptees lose their family and we are supposed to be happy about it?

On one hand we are told nothing, absolutely nothing is more important than family, and on the other hand adoptees are told to just forget about their family, and be grateful.

Well, adult adoptees are no longer silenced, we are here and speaking out.

Abandonment/adoption is child abuse. And it needs to stop.

Live a childless/free lifestyle. You say you are selfish, and nothing wrong with that really but you shouldn't be a parent. Save the money you would spend on adoption agency fees, braces, diapers, soccer uniforms, etc and buy a new sports car, or take a trip to Europe.

Answer 27

Why do you throw that at an adoptee?  Crappy parents.  I don't think so.  My adoptive mother is a wonderful woman.  She gets it.  In fact, she is angry that she can't get the records that she signed.  I am angry that I can't get the records that rightfully belong to me.  

I am angry that natural parents are just cast aside like common trash.  I am angry that adoptive parents are scammed.  

If you are going to adopt, then you need to hear what adoptees and natural parents say.  Changes need to occur.

Answer 28

don't listen to the negative side if you are willing to bring up a child in a loving family home you go for it 100% does it matter what people who don't even know you think,,what would happen if there where no people who wanted to adopt there would be more cases off abortion,,, so would that be OK to these anti-adoption people???????????????

if just one child a day was adopted it would be one child a day out of the care of social services.... this must be the better option good luck to you sir and your wife and what a lucky child the one who you adopt will be,,,

Answer 29

This board used to be full of a variety of opinions and people. Any topic related to adoption was fare game and open to discussion. There were always new ideas to consider, support for those needing it, and provocative questions which made people consider other points of view.

Now, it seems as if most of the people here have a set agenda, only want their view discussed, and are bent on putting down others in an attempt at "furthering their cause", not having the snap to realize that cramming an idea down someones throat backfires. it alienates many, angers many, and totally turns most off to the idea in the first place. There are even some on this board who pose negative questions skirted in legitimacy to further the negativity launched to dishonor adoption as a whole.

I would love to see this board return to providing information, support, lively discussion, introducing new ideas, debate and education -- without the obvious negative slant that has taken over, instigated by those uninterested in sharing and apparently only interested in slamming. You'd think they would realize the best way to be heard, but apparently they want their opinion out there even if it means no one is listening for longer than a second.

Answer 30

Half the responders don't believe in their own answers..they just like to be smart as...

Answer 31

I think it's wonderful. There are so many children who need a good home and deserve a chance. God bless

** And why are you being so angry and judgemental? Just curious... You don't have to say that you are "just being selfish" by adopting a child. God bless the poor child who ends up with you...