Why are so many people against adoption? The trust and abandonment issues that can arise in adoptees also?

Question

arise in people who were raised by their birth parents. There are bad parents period. I've known adopted children with and without problems. I've known non-adopted children with and without problems. It's not adoption that's the problem, but the parents raising the child. that includes parents who gave birth to the child.

So for those of you against adoption, would you rather have a single mother on welfare raising her child in poverty? Would you rather she chose abortion?

Adoption today is very different than it was 10, 20+ years ago. I hope you also understand that adoptees aren't the only ones who have trust and abandonment issues too. It can happen to people raised by their birth parents as well.

Answer 1

I am not against adoption, but I do think it should be a last resort.

Yes, I would rather a mom take welfare and raise her child than give it away, I did this for a few years when I was at University, and finishing my education while raising my child.

Adoption is still about separating moms and their children, I am not sure why you think it is different now.

You are right their are good parents and bad parents both adoptive and non-adoptive, but I think the very act of adopting is damaging to the child.  Not to say I would rather children be abused, and not that adoption isn't ultimately in certain cases still in the child's best interest.  I think those cases are very rare though, and the issues stemming from adoption very real.

So no, I am not against adoption, but only when it is a last resort to avoid abuse.

Not if it is done to give the child "more"  because I don't believe it does, people shouldn't lose their mom to gain a swimming pool.

eta:  Sorry if I wasnt clear, I am pro-family preservation because adoption caused  great deal of harm in my life, and in the lives of every adoptee I know in real life.  Even though I really do love my adoptive parents.

Answer 2

To quote Elizabeth:

"Abortion is a far better choice than adoption."

Why don't I see any of the adoption reform Mafia responding to this? Would you all rather be dead than alive and adopted? Unbelievable. I am not anti-abortion, but I just can't see why someone would say what Elizabeth said. If a person truly feels that he or she would have been better off aborted than adopted, why hasn't he or she committed suicide? NOT that I am advocating suicide by any stretch of the imagination! I just find it interesting that so many of you post about how awful adoption is, etc., etc. but no one even gives Elizabeth a thumbs down for saying such a hateful thing. If that's her opinion, fine. But do the rest of you truly believe a person is better off never having had a chance to live than to have been separated from his or her birth family? Come on.

Yes, some adopted people feel tremendous loss after separation from their birth families. Do all adoptees feel this? No. I don't believe any one group of people who share a characteristic (adopted, blonde hair, abusive parents, live in Detroit, etc.) EVER feel exactly the same way.

Answer 3

I'm sure it is just how they were raised. Some people just really can't imagine having a child that is not of their blood. They probably feel that they won't have the same connection as if they were blood related. But, they need to learn to open up their eyes and stop being so ignorant. I was adopted from South Korea. I have no recollection of my birth parents. They created me, but it's my adoptive parents (real parents) that I share my memories with and that gave me to love I needed. I act like my mom, think like my father, talk like my mom, and most importantly, love them both equally as if they were the people that created me.

Answer 4

I don't know how many times i have to say this. In none of my answers have i ever said i'm aganist adoption. Most people here are not aganist adoption. I want adoption reforms!! Better screening of adoptive parents to the child is placed in a stable,loving and safe home. Better counseling for the birth mothers to ensure that they are comfortable with the descion they are about to make. I'm for open records for those adoptees that want to search for their birth families. I agree with you that adoption touches people in different ways and affects us in different ways. Just because i searched for my birth mother and i thought about her growing up, i'm for open records and better reforms in adoption. DOES NOT MAKE ME ANTI-ADOPTION OR ANYONE ELSE THAT IS IN FAVOR OF OPEN RECORDS OR SEARCHING FOR THEIR BIRTH FAMILIES.

Answer 5

I don't believe that people are "against" adoption but rather want to see the reforms that "Healing" refers to in her answer.  Also, those who appear to be "against" adoption have had some type of negative experience with it.  I must admit, that although I am 110% for adoption because of the difference I've seen it make in so many lives, I can understand why some people who were taken advantage of during the process would be against it.  

I agree that adoption is much different than it was 10 - 20+ years ago.  I've seen that firsthand between the differences when my cousins were placed into foster homes 30 years ago and my son's own situation.  But the truth remains that there is still a lot of reform and support that is needed for all involved - the birth family (not just the parents in some cases), the child (or children) and the adoptive family.

Answer 6

I'm not against adoption as an essential last resort

I am against adoption practices in the USA and I am against sealing birth certificates from the adult adoptees they belong to

And I hope you won't dismiss any issues your adoptee(s) have with adoption in the way you just have right here

Answer 7

It is too bad you used numbers instead of names to refer to answers because I think that the order of answers sometimes changes with time and I sure don't understand what you are saying about those 3 answers.

Anyway, to answer your question, your question would not even come up if only we taught our children about s*x in a serious manner. Just say no is NOT serious. Of course we would have to get serious about life first. Meaning we need to face reality: teenagers will most probably have s*x. Get over it and teach them how to protect themselves. And if it means putting your girls on the pill, then do just that.

Sorry girls but boys are idiots and will always try to get out of using a rubber or, if a pill for males is ever invented, they will probably not take it. So it is up to you.

I don't care if you're religious or have a problem talking about s*x. Religion is never going to keep a girl from getting pregnant if she's having s*x and signing a pledge not to have s*x has so far only kept a few girls from doing it. And if you're not comfortable talking about s*x with your kids, get over it. You'll just be one among many of us. But think about how comfortable you'll feel when your daughter tells you she's pregnant or when your boy tells you his girlfriend is pregnant.

Just compare pregnancy rates here and in western Europe. They have serious s*x ed and easily available protection. They also have serious books available for those parents who are not comfortable talking to their kids.

End result = way less unwanted pregnancies which also means way fewer adoption problems.

Answer 8

A single mother on welfare raising her child in poverty, if she were an empathetic and nurturing parent, would have been preferable to many well-monied but physically and/or emotionally abusive adoptive parents (whether the abuse was intentional or not).

As I have said before, adoptive parenting should be held to a much higher standard because it is "parenting plus."  It is not the same as raising one's biological children.  Adopted children have been traumatized.  Adoption-ignorant people cannot do that job properly.

Adoption today is NOT different than it was 10, 20+ years ago.  Adoptees are speaking up, and they are saying they have suffered from the same issues as adoptees from 10, 20, 30, 40, and 50+ years ago.  Adoptive parents claimed adoption was different in those days, too.  Unfortunately, it wasn't.  

It isn't.

Yes, many people who were raised in intact families suffer trust and abandonment issues because of how westerners raise children.  But there is a difference between them and adopted people - adopted children came to the situation already traumatized.  It's a double-whammy for adopted people.  

The two situations are simply not comparable.  I find the point you are trying to make extremely dismissive regarding issues that are unique to many adoptees.

Answer 9

Go here and look around:

www.adoptioncrossroads.com

www.origins-usa.org

http://lizardchronicles.blogspot.com/

www.bastardnation.org

Read Lost & Found and Journey of the Adopted Self by Betty Jean Lifton.  You can find them used on Half.com, or at your local library.

Also, check out this link:

http://www.unicef.org/media/media_41918....

I am 'against adoption' like Unicef, Save the Children, and the Red Cross are against it--we believe in family preservation.

Your image of the Welfare mother raising her child in poverty is false.  Check the Origins site for this--but usually in 5 years time the said mother has gone back to finish school, and is often married.  Shouldn't we help her out during this time of need?  

Our nation certainly has no trouble paying the medical expenses of the thousands of illegal immigrants in my state--but no one is demanding that these women give up their babies for infertile couples' consumption--are they?

The North American attitude towards adoption (unlike New Zealand, Australia, and the United Kingdom) seems to be a consumerist one.   If we want it, it will be provided for us.  If we're infertile, someone needs to cough up a baby for us.  If we have two boys and want a girl, we'll need your first born, Miss Guatemala, thank you very much, we have a swimming pool, you know.  We already have a child, but gosh, our church says it's special and humanitarian to adopt, so let's circle the globe and give 30K to attorneys in another country to come home with a sister for our little Kaitlyn.  'Anastasiya' you shall now be known as Madison Grace Jones, see Grace is my mother's name, you know--we're just keepin' it in the family...I sure hope we get better real estate in heaven for all the diapers we've changed, and those braces aren't cheap!

People are not cars, houses, or granite counter tops.  Children are complex beings who are healthiest, physically and emotionally,  when raised by the parents who created them.  If those people are not able, then the next best option is other biological relatives.  Stranger adoption should be used as a last resort.  

Adoptees are often expected to 'graft' to this new family, no questions asked.  It doesn't often work, just as it might not work if I were to assign you a new spouse.  Family is not interchangable.

I had to spend 18 years of my life pretending to fit into a family, and to not be sad that I lost my mother.  When I finally decided to do the healthy thing, and find my roots I was truly shunned by many, and told I should be 'grateful' and consider myself 'lucky'.  And now in this 'better' time (according to you) so many years later, I am mocked and scorned by 'happy' adoptees and 'loving' adoptive parents for speaking out about this unhealthy, antiquated practice.

I was a puppet for 18 years, but no longer.  If anything I've said here upsets you, you should ask yourself WHY.

Answer 10

rather abortion till ready say in late twenties.

Leaveing adoption to the alreaddy orphaned.

Much like cats... people should have to go to the animal shelter to rescue the abandoned cats.

not have more made to sell and leave the orhaned abandoned kittes to be all alone and caged till the green mile walk to the death chamber

Also you may want to see this which is what its all about

NASTY TREATMENT OF GIRLS

http://www.buzzpatrol.com/links/polish-h...

'The Magdelen Sisters' should be in your video shop but the tv drama 'sinners' was more accurate if you can find it.

over 30,000 were involved up till 1996...how old were you at that time?

How many of your friends, you or your sister could have ended up here.

Abusing, raping, and ripping the babies from the arms of 30,000 girls up to just 10 years ago

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WGMFcethr...

http://www.cinemaguild.com/sexin.pdf

http://www.netreach.net/~steed/magdalen....

http://www.theage.com.au/articles/2003/0...

http://www.nac1.bravehost.com/magdalene/...

http://www.bbc.co.uk/northernireland/dra...

http://www.thewildgeese.com/pages/magdal...

http://www.torrentspy.com/torrent/397040...

http://www.netreach.net/~steed/magdalen....

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0380703/

http://www.bbc.co.uk/northernireland/dra...

Origonal documentry available from

http://cgi.ebay.com/s*x-IN-A-COLD-CLIMAT...

CHURCH SUPPORT FOR CHILD RAPE and forcing 9 year old rape victems to give birth

http://www.thisislondon.co.uk/news/artic...

http://observer.guardian.co.uk/internati...

http://observer.guardian.co.uk/internati...

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/programmes/pa...

http://www.bbc.co.uk/pressoffice/pressre...

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/programmes/pa...

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/programmes/pa...

Answer 11

I was adopted.  In the past, before the eighties, many children were nearly confiscated through coercive measures by social workers who made a living off of adoption placements.  Nobody wants to admit that it was wrong to make money a motivating factor in adoptions.  Times are different. Adoption laws have changed.  Teenage girls can keep their kids: it's socially acceptable and there is financial support available.  Unwed motherhood is not easy and adoption is still a good option for some women but isn't popular.  Birth control has also changed things.

It is the right of a mother to keep her child but I'm not buying that it is emotionally scarring to be adopted.  If I have had problems it is more likely because of my mother's (adopted) controlling tendencies and constant anger at my father than adoption, no?  Still, noone believes me about my adoptive mother and most believe that adoption is some injustice.  It doesn't keep me up late at night.  Verbal abuse is more serious than that.  I am not buying the assumption that adoption is wrong but it is true that in the past the system went about adoption in the wrong way.  The adoptive parents are not to blame for this and are mostly good parents because they are screened.  Nobody's perfect and there are no guarantees, however.  It does make sense to assume that if people wait five years to adopt a child, they probably really want a kid and will try harder, especially with the exacting standards imposed by adoption agencies and government regulation.

Looking is a personal choice. There are two sides to it and it may be Pandora's box or it may be a wonderful reunion but I doubt it is easy.  I don't believe in looking if one's adoptive parents disapprove greatly.  Open adoption is becoming more popular.  It is a good option if somewhat awkward at first for everyone.

Answer 12

When a child is abandoned/adopted he/she loses his/her entire family. It boggles my mind that there are people who think this is a good thing.

If the child's parents died in a plane crash, people would feel sorry for the child, and have empathy for the child. But with adoption people think adoptees should be grateful.

Abortion is a far better choice than adoption.

Answer 13

So, if I understand you correctly, because other people have problems, then adoptees shouldn't speak up about their problems?  

That sounds a little like asking why people support cancer research since people die of other things.  Of course other people have abandonment issues.  But that doesn't mean that we should ignore the abandonment issues of adoptees.

As for your question about welfare mothers and abortion, it has been asked, and answered, and asked, and answered, and asked, and answered, and asked...  ad nauseam...  You might want to do a little digging for the old discussions to see the responses to it.

And, finally, as A Healing Adoptee and Joy M have both pointed out, there are few people who are against adoption altogether.  Many of us, though, think that adoption is sugar-coated and made to seem like a good first or second choice, rather than the last choice that it ought to be.