Why are so many people under the illusion that adoption is "taking the easy way out" for the birthmother?

Question

My sister has made the very difficult decision to baby up for adoption when he is born due to her inability to provide for him. I have noticed that since she has made her decision known to others people have been very rude towards her. They make comments like "you need to just suck it up and accept responsibility for your mistakes like the rest of us. We dont go around throwing our problems off on somebody else and it aint right for you to do it either." It was very hard for her to do this and I think she is a very brave woman. It is very hard to just give a piece of yourself over to someone else to care for and I think that it was actually a very good decision considering her age and the situation surrounding the conception. It just makes me angry to hear people put a woman down for doing what she knows is best for her baby.

Answer 1

The people she is dealing with are evil and selfish.  Your sister is doing the best thing she can for the child and she will make another couple very happy.

Answer 2

She is doing what she thinks is the best thing for her baby, and it is no easy thing to do.

she is to be commended for her selflessness and doesn't need to worry about what her trailer trash relatives are saying.

Answer 3

There is a huge dichotomy in the understanding of relinquishing a son or daughter. Unfortunately, many people in main-stream America think adoption is something that is anywhere between "okay" and "wonderful" and I'm sure that is what you sister was told by the adoption workers that she came into contact with.

The truth is, that when she - as a mother who voluntarily terminated her parental rights under that guise - is left to face the consequences of her choices on an individual basis she will begin to realize that relinquishment is anything BUT wonderful. People will likely judge her harshly for this for the rest of her life, and more likely, she will be her own worst judge.

The really hard part comes when, if she is lucky, she will have this wonderful experience called "reunion" 18-28-45 years down the line. She will be lucky to reunite with her child, but guess what, she's going to be the only one held responsible for surrendering her child. The agency workers who were telling her how selfless she was are not going to be there to sooth her now adult child's wounds. She and no one else is left holding the bag - and she gets to take all of the responsibility for her "choice" as a young woman. Her son or daughter may or may not agree with just how "selfless" she was to place him/her with strangers.

Unfortunately, what your sister is experiencing is the LIES in adoption - that she will be thought of as selfless and wonderful for giving her child to someone "more deserving". The truth is no on is more deserving than she to parent her own flesh and blood.

If your sister had given birth to a child that was kept within the family  she, her family and friends would likely have celebrated the addition of a new family member. If your sister had given birth to a child that was to become a new family member and yet that child died, she would have had the comfort of family and friends through the grief of losing her child. I don't know, but I imagine that other than you she has little support. Please try to get her into some counseling for adoption loss - it is different from the loss of a child due to death and adoption agency counseling is usually worthless.

She doesn't need to, nor can she "just suck up" the loss of a son or daughter, she needs therapy to help her deal with this life-long loss.

This is the "wonderful" part of adoption, and usually nobody tells the mother this part of the story prior to relinquishment.

I'm sorry for you sister's loss, and the loss that her child will feel, and the loss that your entire family will feel.

Answer 4

They have just discovered that she has inner strength and wisdom, and consider it an affront to their sense of superiority.

Answer 5

it's not the easy way out at all....i imagine it's got to be the hardest decision a person will ever make. I think she's a hero.

Answer 6

People are ill informed, and have no business passing judgment on your sister. Even if they have been "in her shoes" so to speak, every situation is different and they have no right to project their feelings onto her. I am sorry she is being treated that way. Please give her a hug and continue to be supportive, what she did is not an easy thing. I hope you will continue to be there for her, she will have many issues to deal with.

Answer 7

Adoption isn't the easy way out.  But there are actually quite a few adoptees out there who have STATED (even here in Y!A) that they *wish* they had been aborted.

Abortion is selfish.  But adoption isn't completely selfless guys... I'm not trying to be insulting, just hear me out.  You find yourself in the situation where you relinquish a child because you're selfless... you find yourself in that situation because you made a mistake.  You can either a) keep that child even if you can't really provide for it or b) hand it over to someone else without knowing anything about their family and continue whatever lifestyle it is that you live.

Either way, it sucks for the child.  

I'm not going to tell you to convince your sister to keep her child.  But I AM going to ask you to sit down with your sister and learn WITH her (because sisters are the BEST support) about OPEN adoptions... there are no legally binding policies concerning open adoption, but if you can find PAP's who want an open adoption, it will at least do somethings to save the child some pretty wretched trauma in their lives.

Again. Open Adoption. Please look into it.

Answer 8

Not to be blunt, but those people are stupid.  She did a brave thing and it must have been very hard.  Those people have no idea what they are talking about.

Answer 9

Some people don't realize what kind of loss is involved with placing a child or in some cases a girl  being forced to do it. You would figure that in this day and age most would comprehend it but just stick around here and you'll get a sample of how ignorant some people are . Older doesn't me wiser, anymore. People believe what they want and what makes them feel better or right.

Kristy:

First I'm GAIA then Gershom now I'm AdoptAbaby get over yourself and start doing some research on the baby you paid some crooked attorney from Guatemala off by way of finders fees as well as start thinking about how you're going to deal with the results of a  "legal" dna test being done. Tick Tock its just a matter of time.

Answer 10

I agree. I think it would be much harder to let someone adopt my baby than to actually have it for myself. I have two children and my sister is pregnant at a young age in a semi abusive relationship with no job, no license, etc. One time, I mentioned adoption to her and she immediately said no and I never mentioned it again. I know it would be hard and people should be more appreciative of people who do choose adoption. I think it's great especially if you know you can not provide for your child. What kind of life would your baby have if you chose to keep it rather than to let a family who can provide for him? God bless your sister! She sounds very strong and brave.  

Answer 11

I agree. I've never been in her situation, so I can only imagine the sacrifice involved in her decision. Also, she's really probably making the best decision for her baby, if she cannot care for him as he needs. Your sister is doing what is best for the baby, and that's a very selfless thing to do.

Answer 12

Maybe its because she's poor and doesn't care about her baby. I hope more poor women that give birth give up there kids because I want to adopt more. I'll take them.  

Answer 13

I think these ppl are idiots. If she were having an abortion they'd bit*h at her to give it up for adoption and give it a chance.

I think shes doing a good thing.  To me the easy way out is abortion.  At least shes giving this baby a chance.  Tell her to ignore what they say and be happy with her descision.  When she gets sad, tell her to think of the couple that will be getting the child. She is giving them a chance as well.  So many worthy parents are unable to have children.

I wish her and the child all the best.

PS you're a great sister helping her through this, it must be a tough time.

Answer 14

tell her good luck and part of loving your child is doing what you think best.we have a 8 year old girl who came to us at 10 weeks old as a foster child but we kept her .i thank god and the birth parents every single day for the joy they have given us.a child does not have to grow in your belly to love them,they need to grow in your heart to,and thats how our beautiful daughter feels and its what she tells people.tell her good luck and thank you from whomever she chooses for her beautiful child.

Answer 15

I can't believe the audacity of some people! I am adopted and I thank God every day that my mother was selfless enough to make the choice she did. I wish I could thank her.

Answer 16

People are just ignorant.  Unless they have walked in her shoes, they do not truly understand.

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Ignore "adopt more babies" aka independent.

Answer 17

It is very caring to give your child up for adoption. You have to be brave and put the child life before your wants and your pride. But I also think some women have made it look bad. I posted a question not to long ago about a birth mother who gave her kids up for the wrong reason. We understand giving kids up, but we don't understand people who just give them up for their freedom. I don't believe in wrecking a kids life so you can stay young and continue to do what you want to do. Be free basically! If there is no way you can feed, cloth,house, and care for your child then adoption is okay. But if their is a way out there, you should suck it up and become a parent. People who know they are going to be unable to grow up and take care of their kids and no they will eventually neglect their kids should also give their children up. That makes you a selfish person, not a caring person. There are all different kinds of birth mothers and I would judge any of them based on what another has done. Each persons case and circumstances are different. I hope that each mother who give her kids up...PLEASE PLEASE really consider the child and NEVER make a decision on what you want. Don't be selfish be loving.

Answer 18

I think she made the right decision, and it is the strongest ever!!  It would be week to keep it and try to raise a baby by her self.  the easy way out is abortion.  Tell your sister she is the strongest person ever, and that is very nice of her to give her baby to someone who desperatly wants one and can not have one.  has she thought about open adoption?  It sounds really nice, and that way she can pick the family and will know it will go to a family, rather than foster care or anything like that.

Answer 19

The decision to place a child for adoption must be one of the most difficult, heart-wrenching decisions a person can make.  Nobody has any business passing judgement or trying to secondguess her decision.  

It's not the easy way out.  But I think the suggestion that she needs to be convinced to change her mind is just as disrespectful.

Answer 20

If anyone says it is easy to place your child for adoption , they need to think again. It is the greatest sacrifice a birth mom can make, if she knows for sure she could raise her baby.  In adoption she sacrifices herself, in abortion, she sacrifices her baby.. So adoption is the greatest outpouring of love a person can have for her baby, if she cannot parent herself.

Answer 21

She can provide.

If she thinks it's hard now, she has NO idea how awful it will get.  It's NO picnic for the kids either--being adopted sucks.

The loss and remorse is often overwhelming.  My mother gave me up over 40 yrs. ago, and has never gotten over it.  and she didn't have WIC or Welfare to help her.

Convince your sister to keep her baby, and help her as much as you can.

Answer 22

I don't know why people think that adoption is an easy out. I considered adoption when I found myself a single college student and pregnant, having just broken up with my drug abusing boyfriend. Don't they realize how hard it is to realize that you're not in the position to care for another human being and choose to give your child, your flesh and blood, to people that you can only hope will care for it. It's a heartbreaking process and only idiots think that any mother truly wants to give away their child. Tell your sister that she is a strong, amazingly caring woman who is facing a decision and will do what is right, no matter what the stupid people around her say. I wish her the best of luck and the one piece of advice I would recommend for her would be to get a pic of herself and her baby before it is handed to the new parents (if it is a close adoption). I know it is hard to look at what you've lost but one of my good friends got pregnant at 15 and gave the baby up. She knows she gave the baby to a good home, but she tells me all the time that she wishes she had a picture to remember him by.  

Answer 23

I can't think of anything more difficult then giving your child away. Only a sociopath or an abuser would walk away happy. Your sister did what she felt was best. No one has a right to judge her unless they have walked in her shoes  

Answer 24

i too have been in the same situation.  I lived with the 'guilt' for 24 years until two years ago she found me. It was the best day off my life but then things went wrong.  She wasnt interested in any form of relationship except an e-mail every now and again.  Each time she tells me about her children and plans, oh and marriage and i wasnt included.  It has caused me months of heartache.  The grief i have felt over the years has doubled.  i was pushed into adoption but she had a very good life which i couldnt give her which was my aim.  I had no support network or help from the authorities at the time

What your sister is doing is very hard and she will need a lot of support over the next few months or even years.  With a sister like you who sounds like you have a good relationship, she can get through it but it wont be easy.

I did go on to have another child and we have a brilliant relationship so its not all bad.  hope everything goes well

Answer 25

I think it is because people think she is irresponsible for getting pregnant in the 1st place, sort of like if she didn't want it then why isn't she on birth control.  I however do not feel this way.  I admire her courage and strength to be able to give her child to someone who can.

Answer 26

For the busy bodies information, your sister is not throwing her responsibilities on anyone.  When someone adopts a baby or child it is because they CHOOSE to, not because the birth mother told them they have to take the baby.  They say ignorance is bliss, you know.  I am sure these idiots ought to feel quite blissful.  

Answer 27

I still remember the first time I told a new friend what I had done. It was new years eve in 1972. (my baby was born in jan 1972). She was really wierd about it and never spoke to me again. I certainly learned a hard lesson. It was 30 years before I talked about my baby to friends.

People think that by putting your child up for adoption, that you are just getting rid of a problem and that you are heartless for doing it. No one thinks about the lifetime of heartache that you bring on yourself because of 1 hard decision.  

I hope your sister will reconsider her decision, because it's a very hard decision to live with and even though she might think it's the right thing to do now, I can guarantee, she will have second thoughts eventually and it will be too late.

She has every right to make the best decision for her and her baby whether it's adoption or parenting.. Good luck to her.

Answer 28

I can't believe that people are treating her that way! I was adopted at birth and met my birth mother when I was 16. To hear how painful it was for her to make the decision and go through with giving me up is heart-wrenching, but it was the right decision. She was young and had no money, but she was smart and brave enough to know that her baby could make a couple happy that were desperate to be parents. To carry a baby for 9 months and then give it up so it can have a better life is seriously the most noble thing. There are so many couples out there that are unable to have babies of their own, and for someone to give them the opportunity to raise a child is such a blessing.  I have the utmost respect and admiration for your sister!