Why are some adoptive parents bitter towards natural parents?

Question

It seems like because they may not be able to do something (reproduce), they're upset w/ the ones who can. Especially those who choose to go down the adoption route.

For example, saying things like: "Do you know that if a person is lucky enough to concieve, carry and give birth to a child, a real parent would not even toy with such a disgusting idea as giving up their own.

Why should the mother have any rights when she is clearly irrationally stupid?

NO REASON JUSTIFIES GIVING UP YOUR OWN KIDS."

when they don't know the reason behind it, like wanting that child to have a better life.

What purpose does that animosity serve?

Answer 1

Can I just say

E N T I T L E M E N T

Really - the answer by cakitcat2 says it all.

Too many that adopt - want the child to be just like them.

They are resentful when the adoptee wants to know their birth family - they are resentful that they just won't have that same link.

A good parent - a really good parent - would NEVER ask for a child to be grateful for anything.

You choose to parent - you take the good with the bad - and then accept the child - just the way they are.

(children don't ask for their parents to give them away - or divorce - or die..............none of this is in the child's control)

The TRUTH - an adoptee has come from another family - another gene pool - a family with different traits.

(trying to play pretend will NOT make that simple fact go away)

An adoptee CAN NOT be the child that so many long for - those that can't have their own because of infertility.

The adoptee just CAN'T fill those big shoes.

This would be the NUMBER 1 mistake that people make with adoption.

They come into it thinking that it is something that - clearly - it is not.

Answer 2

Moral superiority.

Answer 3

There are always bad apples, and it sounds like whoever said that is one.  99% of adoptive parents do not feel this way at all, unless the birth parent was abusive towards the child.  There is no excuse for treating a child badly.

Most adoptive parents are very respectful and want nothing but the best for the birth parents.  After all that is what created the child they raise.  That is the flesh and blood of the child they love.

Answer 4

I am not considered an a-parent though I think of myself as one.  I married my husband and raised his two children as my own.  They saw their b mom one weekend a month.  I consider that an open adoption.  She never supported them financially or materially.  The girl was  2 and the boy was 5 when we were married.  I had a son that my husband also raised and we have a daughter together.  There is resentment to the b mom and it is not jealousy.  The situation is this...  you try your best to raise your children to become functional and responsible adults.  You may know of genetic tendancies that you would like to eradicate.  No matter what you do you can't take genetics out of the picture.    No matter how much you love your a-children it is not and  can not be the same as you love your own bio children.  I wanted so badly to feel the same for all but that is not something that can be created.  Now the kids are all grown.  The girl ended up to be just like her mother and all that I did for her has been forgotten or ignored.  She doesn't relate to me and I have to just accept the fact that she does relate to her own b-mom.  I am glad that she has someone to relate to but honestly on a selfish level, I am resentful.  I feel taken  advantage of.  That may be why some a-parents seem bitter.

I am curious as to why there are so many thumbs down on this answer.  Please give an honest reason.

Answer 5

Some are afraid of the stories about natural parents trying to "take back" their child.

Some are just un-kind about others's situations and don't care about the parents feelings.

There's really no purpose to it, it's just there.

Answer 6

I was watching an adoption story just this past week about couples adopting from Siberia.  I have no doubt that if the Russian government had heard the one woman's comments, they would have canned the adoption.  She was so completely money oriented, it was clear to me that she was buying a baby and expecting it to do what she wanted because of all the money she had laid out. Scary.  I was actually shocked because I know other a-parents and they are absolutely nothing like that.

Answer 7

Maybe they are jealous!

Answer 8

I am an adoptive parent, but I also am able to "reproduce". I have two bio-children (19 & 16) an an adoptive son (13). My son was adopted through Foster Care when he was 8 years old.

I will admit that I am very bitter towards his original father becasue of the abuse and neglect my son suffered at his hands. WHen my son was 5 yrs. old, I picked him up a the hospital because of interal injuries and malnurshment. My son has physical and emotional scars that this man left. The only reason I no longer fear this man is becasue he committed suicide last year.

I am trying to get past the bitterness I feel towards his original mother. But somedays she makes it hard. My son has Fetal Alcohol Effects and she left him with the man that abused him when he was an infant.

I am in councelling to help me over come this bitterness. And just when I think I am makig progress she contacts me for money... So, I guess it is fair to say I am bitter, just not for the reasons you listed.

Answer 9

Some negative feelings for some adoptive parents come from insecurity at not being their child's only mother or father.  

These are the feelings I think need to be discovered and dealt with BEFORE deciding to adopt because they can be so very damaging to a child.

I must admit I have sometimes very conflicting feelings about my child's mother.  Most of the time I feel very sad for her loss, in fact I was consumed by that for awhile.  I love her because I love my child more than anything else in the world, and she is in my child.  So, in a sense, even though I don't have a relationship with her, I feel such a connection to her, and I so wish I could take away any hurt for her, but I know I can't.  

On the other hand, some of her decisions I know will cause my daughter pain, so there are conflicting feelings about that -understanding of her circumstances and having empathy but such regret and pain that my child will have to experience pain that it would be possible to prevent.  

What is important, however, is that, WHATEVER the adoptive parents feelings, they never express negative feelings to their child.  And adoptive parent always owe their child and their child's parents as much contact as is possible and safe.

Answer 10

Its not just with adoptive parents but those that are like that are usually bitter because they want to have something they cant have. It takes some people years to emotionally develop acceptance. There are healthy and unhealthy ways to deal with this feeling of loss but unfortunately some aren't mentally capable or choose not to deal with it in a healthy way.

Life isn't fair sometimes and it can be frustrating for some to handle. Feelings get distorted and it snow balls from there.

I personally feel that many people that are choosing not to have children would make better parents than many that do but that doesn't give me the right to belittle someone for thinking about or releasing a child from their custody.

I feel bad for the children being raised and adopted by people like you've described. Those people are not ready to be around children never mind raising one.

Answer 11

i think its more that they feel they brought unfair pain into the childs life.

Answer 12

I'm with Lara here - why would AP's feel the need to badmouth the person without whom we would not even HAVE children?  Makes no sense.  I don't think this is as common as it once was, and my hope is that sentiments like these are decreasing at a rapid rate.  This person obviously either isn't a member of the adoption "triad", or has not taken the time to educate him/herself to the realities of adoption.

Answer 13

Was this something that was actually said by an AP or are you (like most here) assuming that because it is against a first mother that it must be an Adoptiove parent.

A link would be great and I could give an honest answer.

If it were truely said by an AP not someone just posing as one or someone assumed to be one, the I say that person is a bit screwed up. How can we condem the very people who gave us their children to raise.

Answer 14

Wow, as an adoptive parent myself, I've never heard another adoptive parent say things like that, it's ususally people who know little about adoption that make uneducated and hurtful comments like that. We've had several people (w/ no connection to adoption) make negetive comments about birthmothers, and negetive assumptions about our children;s b-moms, and have had to educate them.

It just doesn't make since why someone who wants to or has adopted puts down someone for placing their child. I guess there are always those who put down others to make themselves feel better, but I don't think most adoptive parents fall into that category. I'm sorry if you've had to deal with a few "bad apples".

Answer 15

I know a couple of people that are adopted and it's not that their adoptive parents are bitter that the birth mom could have kids, it's that the adoptive parents took this child in, raised them as their own, paid for them, stayed up at night with them, worried about them and then when the child is old enough, either they or the birth mother wants to find each other!  Why? They gave them up, they aren't their mom any more and never were and now the adoptive parents feel that they are loosing their child back to the person who gave birth to the child.  I always tell my friends when they go looking for their birth mother that they have to remember that this person gave them up and their REAL mother is the one that raised them.

Answer 16

Adoptive parents sometimes feel insecure about their position.  Although it is almost always an irrational fear.  Everyone knows nobody can replace the mom and dad that raised you, whether they gave birth to you or not.  Nevertheless, adoptive parents sometimes feel this way.  I think there should be some sort of class or counseling to deal with these feelings before the adoption.  Because there are underlying problems if a parent feels insecure as a parent.  Birth parents know they will never be what the adoptive parents are to the child.

Also, I think it is unfair to completely deny the connection birth parents have to their child.  I'm sorry but it will always be there whether adoptive parents agree with it or not.  And it is in the best interest of the child, and the emotional health of the birth parents to allow that connection to exist.