Why are some men such JERKS???

Question

I think I have a lot of unresolved issues and anger towards my father and I don't know how to deal with it in the best way. I've never let it bother me, except now that his family is trying to reconnect with me I'm feeling very annoyed and can't sleep. I'm not used to being bothered by that side of the family so I really don't know how to react.

After my parents got divorced when I was two, I saw my dad twice. Once he invited me to spend a weekend with him when I was six, then a few hours later he said that he had to take me home because his wife was getting jealous and he didn't want to sleep on the couch. Second time, when we were about to leave my home country, my mom took me with her when she asked him to sign over his parental rights and he tried to extort her for money. I was 13. And when my mom said that she'll not pay him but she'll leave me with him if he wasn't willing to sign the papers and it would be his responsibility to give me a good education. To which he replied "I can't do that, I have my own son to raise" This was the last I heard of my father, he didn't even come to the airport to say goodbye and he lived half hour away. Now that My aunt went to my hometown and gave my pictures to my grandparents, apparently he started crying and said it was all my fault that we don't have a relationship because I never called him and it would be nice if I called him now. But he can't call me because he doesn't have any money.

I'm a bit shocked and I just can't stop thinking, what the h**l is going on in this man's head???

So frustrating!

Answer 1

I do understand that it is really hard being in a situation like yours,but I am positive that whatever problems you have right now,you have that capacity to make it work for you.Make those hard thoughts about your father into something worthwhile like engaging yourself in activities that will harness your talents and potentials and stop dwelling on those unhealthy thoughts.Accept that fact that we do not live in a perfect world,and it is upon us to make our lives happy and meaningful and not be affected by bad experiences.

Answer 2

Some men are jerks because they do not want to be involved in their families lives. They rather be involved in their work instead.

Answer 3

Has he divorced from his wife and realised what a d**k he was? Don't worry. I don't think you will ever forget but try to forgive. I know somebody who nearly lost their dad and they think people who have grudges against family relations and idiots. I can see your point of view. Let him move mountains to see you and don't ever rely on him for anything. ;) x

Answer 4

Glad to know that you see that it's not your responsibilty for his stupid selfish behavior and idiocy!

He is seeking pity, by putting you through a guilt trip that was ALL HIS DOING IN THE FIRST PLACE!

If you attend any function where he's there, or ever decide to send him a letter, ask him why should I ever have to call YOU? So you can make ME feel guilty over YOUR heartless, MANIPULATIVE ways? Were you there for me when I needed you most? You never showed me that you ever cared, so now I'm returning the favor..have a miserable life, wallowing in your own denial, selfishness, and pain, because I'll be enjoying mine! Thanks for showing me what NOT to do.

Answer 5

Maybe he's been clued in that you've graduated college and are now employed and he's looking for a handout. Sounds like the type that would do it.

I'd leave it alone, personally. If he's that interested in speaking to you, he'll find a way to make that call himself.

Give him the opportunity to prove that he's actually capable of taking resposibility for something...even if it only is dialing a phone number.

Or, call him collect. If he wants to speak to you badly enough, he'll accept the charges.  

Answer 6

My immediate answer to reading your question was: "because that makes it easier for us to hurt them and not feel bad about it."

After reading the entire text, I honestly don't know what to say... Not *all* men are jerks, I'm sure of that. BUT your father sounds like he didn't exactly have a choice in the matter (more like his new wife was wearing the trousers in that relationship) and he definitely wanted it. Of course, your entire life since you last saw your father shaped your future and made you think it really *is* his fault and pretty much have little to no trust in the male community. I think it's normal to blame the most direct source - in this case your father. There was never the wife who clearly said your father wasn't allowed to go and see you, so how could the wife be involved? Anyway, perhaps your father was secretly hoping that you would know it wasn't his doing and was actually waiting for your call, all the while you were thinking that he didn't want to see you so why should you contact him?

The world is full of misunderstandings. But one thing is for sure, with clear communication, this wouldn't have happened. After all said and done, your father shouldn't blame you - you were only young - but he certainly is to blame.

Of course, what I just said might only be a very wild stab in the dark. I was just trying to show that it shouldn't always be the man who is to blame (it could well be the stepmother, the new wife - because in all fairness... how can a wife be bleeding jealous of her husbands own child?!). Maybe your father just feels a remorse about how he acted in the past but doesn't want to face his own guilt yet...

Hope it helped.

Answer 7

Jerk is being far too polite. Some initials beginning with S and ending with B come to mind. Some people are like that, and for some reason they are blinded to the fact that they are doing wrong.

Any father that does what yours did don't deserve the time of day.

But of course the choice is yours to make. Maybe he has felt like c**p for long enough and is honestly wanting to change and make things right.

Answer 8

OMG, this guy is such a jack a**. It isn't ever a child's responsibility to call the dad, give me a break. Anyways, he gave up his relationship with you a long time ago. You know since you barely know his side of the family you could just tell them to leave you alone and if you want a relationship with them (very doubtful) then say lets meet up and talk. Anyways, what a jerk, that's unfair to you. I had trouble sleeping about my dad too, but I confronted him about how stupid he was and I haven't had any trouble since, but either way I think you should confront them because they are the ones causing your sleep deprivation, good luck.

Answer 9

U know, some women can be the same way, ok....

Answer 10

It is wrong for your father to blame you of his past failures to make an effort with part of the responsibility he should have rightful shared equal, whether he was still in a relationship with your mother or not, and in a new relationship with another female.

I am not even going to start bickering on how wrong i perceive of his new  lady being..if you post a question in regards to that then i sure will give my view there. But it seems like your situation is very tricky and has of course affected you as a result.

Look if you are strong enough to restore the relationship you have with your father then make an attempt, but by all means do not feel pressured and do not go into something whereas you know it is going to emotionally wreck you and also it is going to affect you much more.

The fact that your father is trying to blame you seems to illustrate a lack of trying to better make things work but instead search for a place to embed guilt. This is not in any way a healthy way to begin or rekindle a bond you share with someone.

If anything try not to hold anger towards your dad, i know it is simple saying that but realistically it is unhealthy to to hold on to hurtful affects...try to heal and if healing is giving your father a chance, he by all means is a lucky man; but if healing is without your father you try to enjoy life to the best of your abilities and use your experience as a way to better yourself in a wise way and want to do more in various aspects of your life.

Best wishes ;-).

Answer 11

He could have written.  Stamps are cheap

Grandparents could have reached out, they did not

Do not be guilted into anything you don't want