Why are some mom's obsessed with "making" thier own kids instead of adoption?

Question

I know that question sounds dumb, but I would love some input. I have 4 kids so please don't assume I am a hater cause I can't make no babies.. lol

I know more than a few women who pride themselves on trying to be like the character Brie on Desperate Housewives, they literally throw themselves into the homemaker role and obsess about having kids. One of my friends had a baby au naturale and them with age had attempt invitro fertilization... at 10 grand a pop and on a teachers salary I assume she was broke after several attempts, miscarriages and thenfinally at the tender age of 39 got knocked up....

Why are some women so obsessed with having kids? If you can't have one naturally why is it that like my friend they must empty thier 401K retirment instead of adopting a baby or child in need of a home?

Answer 1

As many others have said, it is normal (and a biological urge for many) to want to have your own children.

That said, if it WAS that important to your friend, she should have gotten started earlier, instead of waiting until she was in her late 30s.  Many people who say they want children aren't willing to give up whatever lifestyle (career, degree, smoking, obesity) choices it would take to see the childbearing dream through.

Maybe your friend feels as many others do, that if she can't have her own children, she'd rather not adopt.  In reality there are very few children to adopt.  For every white, healthy infant there are 90 couples hoping to adopt!  The old myth of needy babies is just that, a myth.  Far more needy potential parents.  And raising other people's children comes with it's own set of issues.  It is not, nor should it be considered the 'same' as raising your own child.

I also agree with the people here who think too much emphasis on having children.  There are many times when I *envy* the childless!

Answer 2

Mainly, I attribute the choice of creating biological children towards adoption being emotionally complicated.  There is the invasion of privacy while being studied for approval.  There is the complication that the children already have families and a genetic connection towards others that aren't you that no amount of parenting can replace.  The complication of ethical behavior when it comes to adoption to make sure families aren't being exploited out of their children.  There are the children in need of homes that come with their own set of circumstances that you as a parent haven't grown with, and have to jump in feet first towards (attachment trouble, behaviour issues, health issues, relationship with previous parents issues, etc...) and people tend to shy away from stepping up to those challenges.

Adopting takes a big amount of stepping out of one's comfort zone and knowing that even with a great deal of excellent parenting, it still might not be good enough.  Plus society has really messed up ideas of how adoption should work and are quick to state stupid statements to drive all involved with adoption absolutely crazy.

So I can see why people turn to biologically creating their families instead of adoption.

Answer 3

I guess some woman want a "normal" pregnancy like everybody else and feel different or weird if they adopt.

Answer 4

I believe it is natural for a woman to want to experience childbirth and is inherent within us. The feeling that you may observe amongst your friends trying to conceive is almost unexplainable because you have to experience being that woman who wants a child and cannot produce one on her own.I know the devestation that can occur from not being able to conceive naturally. No one can explain what the obsession is because we all experience it in different degrees whether we realize it or not. The pursuit of a goal such as childbearing is lofty, but should be kepy in perspective. It's natural as humans to wonder "what if". I'm content either way and ended up adopting 2 children, one who's now deceased. To me children are a blessing no matter how you acquire them.

Answer 5

Because its an instinct that  most women have! Its a natural thing for a woman to have kids. so what?

If people dont want to adopt then so what?

If people do want to adopt as a last choice then so what?

Just the way the world works.

Answer 6

I think it's just human nature to want to reproduce

Answer 7

I think it's the closeness of carrying the child for 9  months, then being able to brest feed..

Answer 8

I think woman want to go through a pregnancy and birth. You see a lot of couples who will literally go in to serious financial debt when they do fertility treatments much like your friend.  As you noted they can cost a boat load and it’s not even guaranteed.   Your poor friend though she got her baby in the end (and natural) however not everyone is so lucky. As you said now they have to work 3 jobs, how much time do they even get with their child?  Unless they win the lottery or inherit money from a rich relative, they will probably have to work till the day they die. Of course that’s the case with many people know a days.  

I don’t think there is anything easy about fertility treatments and yes it can be cheaper then adoption (except for maybe adopting from foster care)  IF a person is lucky enough to have it work in the first few attempts. I read of a couple who had been doing IVF /Fertility treatments for like 8 or 9 years, its cost them at least 100,000 if not more, and they still have not gotten a baby.

Phil also makes a good point people seem to have an obsession with being parent’s period. They feel uncompleted if they aren’t parents.

Answer 9

I think the answer lies in CHOICE.  Most couples date, get married, and never think twice about their ABILITY to have a child.  When they finally start "trying," most think it will just come naturally.  My brother & SIL were like this.  After a year of trying, they were told there were some issues.  They went through fertility drugs, my brother had an operation, etc....but nothing happened.  It was such an emotional thing for them.  She said they had always been the kind of couple who said "you know, even if we can't have a baby, we'll adopt and we're fine with that."  But she said you just don't know how you'll react when the CHOICE is taken away from you.  When someone tells you "you will never have a baby of your own, ever"....well, it's devastating.  I think couples look forward to making a baby together because it will be a physical reflection of the love they feel for each other.  

But I agree that it seems some people will never be happy until they have a child that is THEIRS biologically.

Answer 10

I think that is normal and natural for some people to feel the need to reproduce.  I am sorry for your friend who is broke trying to meet that need.  It is just not fair.

I think that it is also unfair to question people who decide to live their lives without children.  My daughter-in-law's sister and her husband have decided not to have children.  Their family absolutely hounds this couple about not producing grandchildren.  It is really sad.  They have very rich and fulfilling lives.

Answer 11

My husband and I cannot physically reproduce. I have seen my friends give birth, been in the delivery room, and watched family members at Christmas with their children. It is a hard thing not to be able to have children of your own. I think it is unfair for those of you who choose not to have children to judge those of us who can't. What business is it of yours if we want to have a baby through IVF, AI, or adoption. I don't judge those who choose not to reproduce. That is a personal decision. For some of us, it is a life long dream to be moms and dads. I want to see my husband grow and bond with his children. Please explain why this annoys you. I mean how does it affect you?

Answer 12

i want to adopt.. not having kids plrobly

Answer 13

It's crazy but for some people giving birth to their own children is easier and cheaper than adopting

Answer 14

For most women, the ability to have a baby is taken for granted without having to think about it - like you.  For others is is a choice where they need to make sacrifices.  Who are you to want to make that choice for others - you should be grateful you never had to make those emotional, medical, and financial choices your "friend" has had to make.   I would think you would want to be supportive to your friend no matter what decisions they make.  You don't know why they made their choices to go the IVF route first.  Maybe her husband has a DWI, TB, something in their past, maybe he isn't sure he can love a non bio child, or some other reason they would rather not adopt now.  Do you really know why?

To me, it sounds as insensitive as saying to a blind person, get over it you have a seeing eye dog or a person without a limb, you can get fake one.  Adoption or foster care adoption is a great option, and one we are looking at, but it isn't for everyone.  My hope is that everyone who adopts or has a child does it for the right reasons and is willing to take on those lifetime emotional and financial responsibilities.  It takes time to lose that "dream" of having your own children, to make decisions about your future, and decide what options would be best for your family in the long run.  Sometimes it takes a while to "grieve" that child you won't have before you are ready to accept it and move on.  

If you really feel that way about adoption/foster, why don't you take on that responsiblity and let your friend make her own choices.  The need is always there for a "child in need of a home."

Answer 15

I don't get it either, I really don't.  I'm happy without kids, and I have enough to do right now that any kids of mine would probably be neglected as I finished my PhD, taught college for a pittance, pursued my own interests and talents, and looked after my cats.

Anyway, I'm 42; wouldn't I have heard the "biological clock" ticking by now?  After ten years of veterinary work, the idea of changing a diaper is about as appealing as the idea of an uneccesary root canal to me.  I don't mean to demean the feelings of others, I simply do not get it.

Answer 16

I think in most women there is the natural, biological drive to reproduce and become a mother. I think its a natural drive in most of us to reproduce. I think it plays a big part in what drives the infertility IVF industry, its in our bones, it has to be or else the human race wouldn't have survived all these years.

Answer 17

Well, I can only speak for myself.  I have no children, although I wanted children.  I was just never able to conceive.  But, I'm now 43, and I'm beyond the age at which I would feel comfortable having a wee one.  

I had that innate desire to experience pregnancy, giving birth and subsequent parenting.  But, I can totally relate to what Phil is saying about being able to build a satisfying life without children.  I was sad and grieved about not being able to have children.  Despite it, I have been able to have a good life.  I've pursued more education, a great relationship with my husband and a career I enjoy.  I also have lots of friends.  I have two step-sons who were pretty much grown when my husband and I met.  So,hey, one day I might have the honor of "grandparenthood."  ;-)

I will say that society does also place a lot of importance on having children, to the point that people usually ask why one doesn't have them.  A few people even make the initial assumption that someone who didn't have children is simply just selfishness.  Talk about judgment.

Ironically, I always thought I was going to be the "only one" without kids among my peers.  In middle age, I have made a number very close friends who also never had them for various reasons.  I've found out that I'm far from alone on this.

Answer 18

I wonder why so many people are determined to be parents, whether through adoption or childbirth.  Society places too much importance on being a parent.  I certainly don't begrudge someone being a parent, but I some people seem to feel incomplete unless they can be a parent.  One can construct a meaningful life without children.

Answer 19

to prevent alot of awkward moments, and lots of regret, as well as  questions.

however, i want to have 3 of my own and adopt 1 from cambodia!! whoop whoop! lol

Answer 20

It is quite annoying when couples go and have invitro fertizlization, instead of having one they have a litter. That or get a surrogant mother from a third world country. "Yes, I was there for my babies birth...but..it wasn't me giving birth" O.o. If your not meant to have kids, your not meant to have kids.

Answer 21

As a nurse I've seen a lot of this.  It's always really baffling to me how having a baby becomes seemingly a life or death situation for some people  It's usually women, but sometimes men have the obsession, too.  

I guess it can be explained by the biological drive to reproduce, so perhaps people really do feel like if they don't have a child, when they die and leave no descendents, everything they are is gone.  So in a way, I guess, it is life and death.  I'm just making stuff up here, because I don't understand it either...it's so illogical, there must be some psychological reason behind it.