Why are some of you adoptee's so unhappy?

Question

The negativeity from many adoptee's on YA is overwhelming to me. Why are you so unhappy?

Were your adoptive parents not good to you?

Are you angry and bitter with your birth parents?

I assure you not all adoptee's feel this way, so I was wondering if some of you could share exactly why you are so angry.

Answer 1

See the thing is I am not unhappy Per Se. I am unhappy about adoption and what it did to me and what it does to other people: Mothers and Children. I have a very good happy life now but that doesnt mean there arn't things I get angry about. every body gets angry about something. Anger does not equal unhappiness.

The Majority of adoptees are denied the knowledge of their heritage, of where they come from, of who they look like and that is a big deep loss. Also it is very emotionaly damaging to remove an infant from its mother, it damages brain pathways.

Even with older child adoptions very often not enough is done to support the family and keep them together so the child gets taaken away for inapropriate reasons.

Also many (note i said many, not all) adoptive parents either do not have the skills needed to bring up a child with who has been removed from its family or they  just don't care and try to get the child to behave as if they don't have any issues.

One of the things that makes many adoptees really angry is people telling them they should be grateful or to "get over it" or that they shouldn't be angry. It is totally inappropriate to tell people that they shouldn't feel certain ways. And really we are sick of being silenced with guilt and invalidation.

Answer 2

I'm adopted, but I'm very happy. I have met my birth parents and all and all had a pretty good life but some of us haven't. Some cant let go of the burning question... why didn't they want me? Most of the time when a birth parent places you for adoption its for a good reason they are to young, in a bad relationship, or don't have enough money to raise a child. Most kids cant see that they just think they were being selfish. Its hard to let go of and its hard not knowing who you are, where you came from,  or even who you look like. It gets frustrating and some people have trouble dealing with it.

Answer 3

Im greatful to say I've discovered my birthfamily. I've never been mad or upset about it. I cant wait to meet my birth mother to thank her for my life!

Answer 4

I don't think they are all unhappy. Its like most things, we are more vocal when we are not happy than when we are. My kids are adopted and I keep up with the birth parents  thought the agency. and I got medical info from them before I adopted them so I would know what to tell my kids Dr their medical family history was. And if they want to meet them some day, then I can arrange for them to meet the birth parents. I do have pictures of the birth parents to show them now.

Answer 5

It is a very complex problem ... every adoptee has had a different story.  Not every child has had a positive childhood adopted or not.  I was really shocked when I came here and noticed all of the anti-adoption sentiment, but the more I thought about it, the more it made sense.  I have friends who have had pretty crappy parents and I can't relate to that.  When you add adoption to the mix, it may just be too much for some parents or some children.

I hope this is why there is more training provided to adoptive parents now ... to understand what your child may be going through.  To help them talk about their feelings and try to heal the consuming feelings of loss and rejection.

Answer 6

I don't really see "angry" people here, i just see people posting replies that go against the norm of how people are used to feeling about adoption.

I"m usually respectful to posters, polite and I just present other avenues in adoption for the readers to think about.

I had and have a great life, wonderful parents ( all 4 of them ) and I have been in reunion since 2001. I searched and found and am happy I did. I will have my degree next year, at which point i'll be furthering my career in holistic medicine and should have my masters in a few years as well. I'm raising two children and comfortable and secure in our lives. I lead an organized, successful life. I just happen to disagree on many levels of adoption with most adoptive parents. If that makes me appear angry to you, my apolgies, try reading my posts from a happy tone and see if that helps.

peace, love and happiness to you!

Answer 7

Just because I do not like adoption as it is practiced today, does not mean that I am unhappy or had bad aparents.  Quite the contrary.

I am angry, about sealed records.  About unnecessary adoptions.  About the total and complete lack of support for pregnant women.

Have you ever seen an advertisement or billboard that says, "Pregnant?  You can keep your baby!"

Neither have I.

You see, it's this societal view that a young pregnant should give her child away to older, infertile people that makes me angry.

Will that young woman be young forever?   NO.

Will that young woman be "poor" forever?  Probably not.

Will that baby be a baby that is hard to take care of forever?  NO.

Adoption is a PERMANENT solution to a temporary problem.

Too many young, pregnant women are made to feel like adoption is the ONLY option.  "Crisis" pregnancy, all the propaganda in the media about adoption being the "loving" option, in fact adoption is just about the ONLY option that is given to these women...hardly no information is given to them about assistance programs to actually help them keep their babies.

Save adoption for the kids who truly need it, and stop convincing otherwise capable young women to make other people's dreams come true.  These women are NOT RESPONSIBLE for curing somebody else's infertility by giving up their child.

This whole entitlement thing is what makes me angry.

But not unhappy, not by a long shot.

Answer 8

HECK!!! I'm happy. here's my story:

My parents married young. My mom wanted children, my father didn't. when mom got pregnant, my father prayed and prayed for a boy, then i was born, a girl. when i was 3 they divorced and my mom got custody. when i was 5, my mom was killed in a car wreck and i went to live with my dad. from the start he never loved or wanted me. when i was ages 5-10 my dad would beat me every morning with whatever he could find depending on his mood (if i was lucky, his fists. if i wasn't lucky, a dog chain). i was required to complete all of my chores in 15 min., if i didn't (i never did), i didn't get to eat that day. I wore the same clothes day in and day out. I slept under the table. He tried to kill me 3 times. He and my uncles raped me whenever I was "bad". The longest i've been without food is 7 days, when he locked me in the basement. I survived by sucking the water off of a leaky pipe in the corner. If i ate anything without my dad knowing, he would make me eat/drink horrible things like water out of the toilet, trash out of our neighbors garbage can, teaspoon fulls of cleaners under the sink, once he made me eat his cigarette. All 5 years of elementary school, not one teacher even asked me about my home life. I wouldn't of told them if they had asked (my dad threatened to cut off my arms, legs, tongue, one by one if i did), but it would have made me feel better that at least someone half cared. In fifth grade, my math teacher called me aside one day, and then every day after that for months. She helped me with my schoolwork, and we would talk until I finally told her about dad. The next day my dad was arrested and I was taken to a children's shelter. Which then started the horrible experience of foster care. I was with 8 different families. I was a bad kid. I broke windows, rubbed eggs in the carpet, you name it, I did it. Every single one of them sent me back to the shelter. Then when i was 11, i was placed with this one family. They already had quite a few kids, and i was horrible to them, then one day they walked in the room, and instead of saying "You're going back to the shelter", they said "We love you and want you to become a permanent part of our family"/ Since then, i've had some problems, but through it all, i've overcome it. I'm a Christian now, soccer star, straight A student, musician and performer. I'm 16 years old and I love my family more than life itself. I thank God every day for Mrs. Summers. If it wasn't for her, I'd still be having the c**p beat out of me. My family is great. My adoptive mother passed away last year along with my newborn baby brother, but i still have my dad, and my brothers and sisters (there are alot of them, my parents adopted 8, and had some of their own). i tell everyone that i hate my birth father and I am still working toward the goal of forgiving him, but deep down, i still love him. i don't know why. but i will never again be taken advantage of again. i can promise you that.