Why are some parents like this?

Question

Where do i start

well since i was about 5 my mum was drunk constantly i was abused since i was 5 while growing up i got various jobs and she took my money from me and my brothers she beat us allot and we were always dirty and smelly she took my birthday and christmas money and we hardly got any presents from her and never fed us apart from a out of date packet of biscuits every now and then when i was 14 i went into care and i never spoke to her for a while unless my social worker arranged a family meeting then after a few months she told me she had cancer and begged me to come home to look after her i didn't and she still kept in touch by sending me messages most of them rude I'm now 22 and have a wonderful 16 month old daughter and shes hardly bothered with her (i don't really let her see her) bu on her 1st birthday she came down and gave her a card with 10 pound/dollars in it and she stole it back off her wee granddaughter how can some people be like that i cant even imagine me ever doing that to my little one i love daughter soo much and yesterday she sent me a message asking how my business was getting on and about all the money and wasn't bothered about my daughter shes a complete waste of space and it angers me so much she never ever appologised for anything that happened

Answer 1

When parents are as dysfunctional as your mother, there are two common causes: 1) a bad childhood or 2) substance addiction.  Since she was drunk a lot, the second seems to apply.  She may have also been abused as a child or had parents who did not give her what she needed in order to grow up and become an effective parent herself.

This doesn't mean that she's not to blame.  Obviously, it's possible to overcome these problems and become a loving parent - you seem to have done it - and it appears that your mother didn't make any effort to do that.  

But although you sound like a great mother, it seems that you're still having trouble coming to terms with the things that happened to you as a child. For the sake of your daughter, it might be worth trying some counseling.  It would be great if you could convince your mother to go too, but you may need to accept that you can't control her mother's behavior.  You can't solve her problems, and you may never get her to be a good mother to you.  And that's tragic, but you have already overcome so much to get to where you are, and you can go on with your life no matter what your mother chooses to do.

Take care, look forward, and focus on your daughter.

Answer 2

Your mom and mine could have been best friends! She wanted to date and party and dropped her nickers for anyone who asked, but had a much older husband and 4 kids she never wanted that she liked to smack around and terrorize. When Dad got tired of her c**p (final straw- left my seriously ill sister (10 y.o.) home alone without food or heat (we had a wood stove), telling her she was going out to get medicine and came home 9 hrs later to find all her belongings in the front yard- she came home drunk from partying. Sis called Dad at work to ask where Mom was- he was fuming!) I barely saw her my first 8 years- she was gone 3 months when I realized it. She told the judge (according to her sister) that Dad could have us because she never wanted us and we would cramp her style. Dad was 60 y.o. raising us the best he could- he had a crappy father but an awesome Mom. Since then,she's 'borrowed' money from my sisters and brother- but never asked me! Shes abused by sister's kids, tried to sleep with Sis's hubby, has been in trouble with the law many times, doesnt call Lin- my oldest sister- until she needs something, moves state to state so creditors cant find her. She came to visit 18 yrs ago as a surprise with her drunken boyfriend who tried to start a fight with Dad, met my 2 kids-Laurie(2)&Alex(6 months) and hasnt seen them since or my other 2 kids- Jake (12) & Sabrina (11). Do what we did, CHANGE YOUR PHONE NUMBER!! Call her to meet her somewhere and inform her you are no longer her victim and she lost her 'daughter' along time ago and she has no rights to your life or your daughters. You have to fight for your new life and a better life for your daughter. Do not let her tears, guilt,lies or promises work because she will play you like a fiddle and make you dance to her tune!! My sister & her kids are still in therapy after Mom lived with them for a year! Dont feel bad or guilty-she's showed you how to be the best Mom by making you stronger by putting you thru h**l! Your conscience is clear! You have NOTHING to be ashamed about! If you need to talk, email me, okay?

Answer 3

That's something that's hard to figure out. I'm sorry that you had to go through that. You're 22 now, so don't bring her around your baby. I know that sounds harsh, but you are extremely lucky that you turned out so well. It could somehow affect your daughter. You are better than she is, by far, and keep it that way. She may never, ever apologize, but don't look for one and don't ask for one. She doesn't care. She has some serious issues, that only a shrink could figure out. What you have to do is to prove to yourself you will never sink in any where near like your mom did, and forgive her so that you can move on with your lives. She doesn't deserve you guys.

You'll always come accross people like this, and sometimes a lot worse. It's hard to swallow, but you know how to do the right thing. Don't feel sorry for you mother, or yourself. Move on with your life and try to do the right thing. Just because she is your mom, doesn't mean that you have to let her see you and your baby, she's a bad influence and the right thing would be to not let her see your baby until your mom cleans herself up. Good luck, and keep moving forward. Don't admit fear from the past because it always affects the future in bad ways.  

Answer 4

its not easy, but she really isn't a nice person and that's not fair to you or your family, you cant feel bad for her anymore because clearly you have tried, just visit her every now and again (because she is your mother) but be care full don't expect anything from her, and you wont be disappointed. Raise your daughter to the best of your ability and you ll get on great.

Answer 5

Your mum falls under the classification of mum's who don't deserve to be mums. Your daughter is lucky to have a caring mum even if she cant say that for her grandmother. Just mark off the things she is and never be them.  

Answer 6

I am glad you don't let your abusive mother see her.

Answer 7

hi iam really sorry for you but i think you have to be beside her she is ill now and she need your care

don't forget she still your mother what ever she done

Answer 8

i suppose there are many kinds of people on earth, and some of them are just selfish and nasty.

you can't choose who your parents are, but you can decide how to treat your own children and what kind of parent you want to become.

i am glad to see that you turn out to be a successful woman who has got her own lovely baby.

we can not always understand how/why other peole behave in certain ways, no.

so why bother?

if she's that bad, forget her. your family and your baby are now the most important thing in your life, enjoy them.

don't let a small dust spoil your days, not worth it.  

Answer 9

I am sorry to read your story but can immediately tell you daughter has one fantastic, loving Mom because of all you endured.

Your Mom seems like an emotional vortex of chaos. Popping in and out of your life at her will . As she ages inquiring for $ , emotional support, or love know that she is aging and ill. As for giving the "gift" she took back ) it was image, she wanted to appear to others and you a changed woman. Probably hoping she would not get busted by clawing it back thinking you lost it etc.

I have witnessed not this exact scenario but something similar with a friend. This person can not delete this person completely from life but "protects" their children from it. To avoid the hurt of the "gifts" that are not that person point blank said" look I know times are tight for you, I appreciate the gesture but think it is best you do not give "X' presents when you are strapped"

Nothing drudges up the ghosts of childhood or teaches one to be a better parent then becoming one and reflecting on ones own.

Continue to rise above-good luck  

Answer 10

i dont know why some people are like that i really couldn't get into the mind of someone like that. i have 2 aunts that are foster carers so i've heard some pretty bad stuff and i've never understood why some parent neglect there children. my aunts have had children who have been sexually abused by there parents and one of my aunts actually adopted one of her foster children when he was just 6 years old because his parents would burn him with cigarettes and they tried to drowned him in a scolding hot bath i mean how can any parent do that. if i were you i would keep her right out of your life you have your own little one to think about now shes better of without a grandma rather then one like that. your daughter may only be 18 months now and probably wont know a good person from a bad one but soon she will be in her impressionable years and even though you and your daughter dont see much of your mother the last thing you want is her to follow in your mothers footsteps. it sounds to me she wants you for one thing your money. im really sorry to hear about your bad up bringing but it sounds like you've come out the other side which is good news  

Answer 11

some ppl r that selfish. nothing u can do but ignore her.

Answer 12

im so sorry!she probably has a mental illness BUT thats no excuse!shes just really messed up i guess.

Answer 13

you have to stand beside your mother afterall she delivered you to this live.....and the least you can do is to support her.....

GOOD LUCK

Answer 14

Your Mom's a loser... I'm sorry.  I couldn't imagine.