Why are some people horrible towards women who give their babies up for adoption?

Question

I've been adopted since I was a few weeks old. I'm 17 now. The reason why my biological gave me up was because my biological dad left her when she was pregnant and didn't want anything to do us... he left her with money problems and she couldn't afford to look after me. A lot of people critise women like her, and say they don't take resonsabiltiy for what's theirs, and that they're been selfish. It's not easy for any woman to give their child up for adoption, and I believe she was been anything but selfish, as she put her personal feelings aside so i could have a better life. I'm gratefull that she did that, because life with my adoptive parents is so much better and stable than life would have ever been with my biological mother. Not just finically, my mum was a housewife while my dad went out to work, so I was raised full time my parent, instead of been handed over to babysitters all the time.

Why do some people think these women are nothing but heatless?

Answer 1

I feel its very brave to give a child up for adoption.  I couldn't do it.

I love my baby son so much.  We have very little money and I often worry that I can't give him as much as a richer family could.  But I love him more than anything and at the end of the day love means more than material possessions.   I would never ever ever give him up.

Just because a woman is poor does not make her a bad mother and just because a set of adoptive parents have lots of money does not mean they will be better parents than the poor biological mother.

Answer 2

well people think that its not right to give up children,because they think if you have one  u should be able to take care of it!

Answer 3

Because some people suck.

Answer 4

Because some people could never picture themselves being able to give their child up.  And some people believe that you can always do what you can to keep your child - it may take a lot of hard work.

Answer 5

i have met my birthmother and father. and i totally understand what you are saying. i have heard so many awful things about her and you know what? she is a wonderful, warm intelligent person. she truly gave me up for the right reasons. i respect and love them both for what they gave me.

i feel most people simply cant understand "how" they were able to do it. i know i cant understand that. i just am not strong enough of a person to do it. it takes a big person to admit and follow through on a lifelong decision like that.

hold your head high and dont let anyone tell you how you should feel about her or your situation. you are your own person and being comfortable with your experience makes you way ahead of your peers. bravo to you.

Answer 6

I have no idea..But, I thank people who do adoption because I would not have my sweet niece and nephew if they did not..She was truely a  case of could not take care of the kids...And, my bro and his wife waited ten years to have kids...You can imagine how much they treasure those kiddos!

Answer 7

I'd much rather hear someone gave their child up for adoption than had an abortion.  Your biological mom did the logical, selfless thing.  I don't think it is heartless.

Answer 8

You will find its usually the anti abortion pro life types who were saying dont abort adopt instead everything will be a bed of roses etc etc

who are the ones calling such girls s***s and whores

often also the aame types who dont want girls getting preper detailed and explicit s*x ed from a young age and stopping contrception provision and morning after pills in schools.

ie evil relgious puritan scum

This is what morality and family values are about... you think that is bad.? this is what they really want

NASTY TREATMENT OF GIRLS

http://www.buzzpatrol.com/links/polish-h...

'The Magdelen Sisters' should be in your video shop but the tv drama 'sinners' was more accurate if you can find it.

over 30,000 were involved up till 1996...how old were you at that time?

How many of your friends, you or your sister could have ended up here.

Abusing, raping, and ripping the babies from the arms of 30,000 girls up to just 10 years ago

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WGMFcethr...

http://www.cinemaguild.com/sexin.pdf

http://www.netreach.net/~steed/magdalen....

http://www.theage.com.au/articles/2003/0...

http://www.nac1.bravehost.com/magdalene/...

http://www.bbc.co.uk/northernireland/dra...

http://www.thewildgeese.com/pages/magdal...

http://www.torrentspy.com/torrent/397040...

http://www.netreach.net/~steed/magdalen....

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0380703/

http://www.bbc.co.uk/northernireland/dra...

Origonal documentry available from

http://cgi.ebay.com/s*x-IN-A-COLD-CLIMAT...

CHURCH SUPPORT FOR CHILD RAPE and forcing 9 year old rape victems to give birth

http://www.thisislondon.co.uk/news/artic...

http://observer.guardian.co.uk/internati...

http://observer.guardian.co.uk/internati...

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/programmes/pa...

http://www.bbc.co.uk/pressoffice/pressre...

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/programmes/pa...

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/programmes/pa...

VATICAN SUPPORT FOR MASS MURDERS WHO LIKE RAPING WOMEN WITH DOGS

http://www.guardian.co.uk/print/0,,38097...

http://www.remember-chile.org.uk/comment...

http://select.nytimes.com/gst/abstract.h...

they care nothing for femels who they see as little more then property and walking incubation sacs

Answer 9

An idealist is a person to who's worldview is based on ideals rather than on practical everyday reality. There are both pro's and con's to this, so I'm not trashing idealism here. However there is one particular type of idealist that I call "authoritarian mindset". The authoritarians have a fairly rigid view of what is acceptable and things that fall outside that "box" challenge their whole worldview, frighten and anger them -- it is very scary to contemplate the possibility that everything you know (or think you know) is wrong. To them, threatening their worldview is threatening the world, and their reaction is PUNISH, PUNISH, PUNISH.

The short answer is "They think that because of stinking thinking; they need to adjust their thought processes to embrace day-to-day reality as well as the "should have" world of idealism."

Answer 10

Some people feel that it would never happen to them and they would never find themselves in that situation.

Life doesn't always take us down the path we chose, you make the best of the situation you are in.

I have two adopted cousisn, their 'mother' could not have her own children, re-mortgaged the house trying for years.  She is a loving and caring woman and managed to give a home to these babies who otherwise would not have had the chances they did.  And they certainly fulfilled her life.

It takes a lot of courage to give up that little bundle you have carried inside you for 9 months, the easier option is to terminate.  soem people genuinly believe they cannot offer the best start whereas others use termination/adoption instead of birth control.  These are the people I have a problem with.

You sound very stable and it appears she did the right thing.

Answer 11

Honey, society blames women for everything.

I could have given my son for adoption but

all he would have had is a different mum.

A poor woman gives her baby to rich people.

There's something horribly wrong with that.

Sure adopted kids will say I was given

everything I could ask for but you see  then

how greedy they are.

My son is in investment banking but

my crowning achievement as a mother

is that my son respects women.

Answer 12

I've noticed the same thing.

It is interesting.  There are many who tell people considering relinquishing what a brave and loving decision they are making for their child.  And yet many of these SAME people label mothers who relinquish as "crackwhores", "heroin addicts" or just loose women who "should have been more responsible in the first place".

So which is it?  Madonnas or whores?

I think for many, it's a little bit of both.  It's all very convenient.

The worst I've heard is right here on Y!A  the other day someone called women who relinquish "unfortunate wombs".

So now they are not even people but wombs meant to bear fruit for others.  It's sickening.

It's also misogyny in it's purest form.

Well, my firstmom is more than a womb and yours is too.

People, especially people who adopt really need to understand that and appreciate it.

If a person who adopts a child cannot respect the people who brought that child into the world, then they will never really respect their child.  There will always be some kind of lingering, resentment, pity, contempt.  And the child will sense it.

It is hurtful to hear our mothers spoken of so cruelly.  It is downright disrespectful.

Answer 13

If you can lie down a make a baby u can stand up and look after it!

Thats not my opinion it is a reason

Answer 14

Personally, I think the stigma exists because it frightens people to think of losing their own children, however we dress adoption up and try to make it pretty, on a very viscerial level it is terrifying.

So they stereotype and stigmatize natural mothers to give themselves distance, to reassure themselves it couldn't happen to them or someone they love as it happens to a lower form of person.

As for all the people telling this young girl with a serious and thoughtful question that she should be glad she is not an abortion or bringing that up, SHAME ON YOU

That is a terribly rude thing to say, and you don't know that your own mothers didn't contemplate that, but regardless that is a terrible thing to say to someone.  Especially an adopted someone who has enough to deal with just being adopted.

Answer 15

she will never stop thinking about you, wondering what her little girl grew up into. maybe at the time she was unstable, she may of been under tremendous pressure, bills mounting up a husband that had left her this is a very stressful time, some people can cope whilst others can not. she may wish that she had not left you behind, she may of got married again and regretted you not been appart off her life.

some people are to judgemental of others, they can not weight to throw the first stone what i say is pick the stone up and throw it back. i hope you do get to meet your mum look on the web sight friends united or go through the salvation army costs about £40 for them to Trace her . i really wish you all the luck you deserve in finding your mum. be Lucky

Answer 16

I think your mom was one brave woman. First off to decide to go ahead and have you and make that painful choice so that you have two parents, and a better life that she couldn't give you all alone. If people are rude or indifferent, they are ignorant. You are a lucky person. One for having a mom to be brave, and two- two parents who were desperate to be parents and 'get' you - :)

Answer 17

it's a lot easier for people to bad mouth someone who is in a position that they were never in. these people have never had to face taking care of a child on their own, with no support, at a young age. it's just like anything else, put yourself in their shoes. most people s not realize that it is harder to give your child up than it is to just keep them.

Answer 18

I am sure that you will one day tho meet your mum And I am also sure that you have been in her thoughts everyday since she gave you up

As far as the horrible people are concerned they dont know how it would be unless they have been in a simalar situation thereselves

you sound like you are well ajusted and balanced and accepting your situation so there is no need for you to discuss with anyone else after all its no ones buisness but your own good luck

Answer 19

I am very proud of you that you can see that side of the coin. A lot of kids that are adopted out have feelings of resentment to their moms/parents because they were just "given away", but I'm really glad that you can see your biological mom put her own feelings aside for you.

I agree with your viewpoint very much. I think that many people just think: "If you can't support a child, get on birth control". The world is very populated, and peope need to be more careful. A lot of teens just want to shag and don't care if they wrecklessly bring a child into the world.

BUT circumstances like yours is kind of different. Your mom couldn't control the fact that your dad was going to leave her. She was put in a tough spot because she was probably excited about the pregnancy, but knew she couldn't do it on her own.

I admire your mom, her, and your adoptive parents. I'm glad they were able to give you a better life, and that you can see the full picture when lots of people are incapable of seeing it all. It's a very difficult thing to give your child away to strangers.. and forever say good-bye to the precious infant you created.

I think it takes a big heart to admit you aren't as "fit" as this baby deserves, and give the baby away.. (not heartless). Have a good day!

Answer 20

You ask a really good question.  Women who have given up their children for adoption are treated terribly mostly by OTHER WOMEN.  They are also treated more harshly than women who have had abortions.   The more religious (supposedly) they are, the more judgemental and harsh.  I don't have an answer for you.  I can confirm, however, that this is how I was treated.  The few men I told were nothing but supportive.

Answer 21

In most cases, the people you speak of are ignorant to what an adoption plan truly is.  They have no clue of the emotional strife a birth mother goes through, nor what the adoptive couple have been through (in most cases, lost babies, and infertility issues).

They don't see "God's plan" working. I believe that adoption is just that. God's plan. Life is full of heart wrenching experiences and tough decisions. One, is the most precious gift any woman could possibly offer to another, a child. When I think of the act, I begin to cry. When I look at my daughter while she is sleeping, I cry.  Tears of sorrow for the loss, but also, for the ultimate gain/gift.  I would not have my life's most precious gift, without the love of my daughter's birthmother, and I am forever, grateful, and thankful.

Answer 22

I was wondering the same thing.  It's usually after the relinquishment that they get badmouthed

Prior to relinquishment they are 'selfless angels'  but suddenly after the adoption is done and dusted they miraculously all turn into 'drug addicted abusers' in the eyes of some

Personally, as an adoptee, I think people should think very carefully about how they speak about Adoptees' first mothers.  When you speak badly of their mothers, you speak badly of the adoptee because they are a part of them

Answer 23

Most people are horrible to mothers who give up their babies for adoption, because they are ignorant and dont know the whole truth!!!!!  

I am thinking of adopting and certainly dont think that way.  It is unfortunate that they have to give up their babies, but they are far from being selfish!!  Quite the opposite infact.  If it werent for your mother giving you up when you were a few weeks old, you could have had a turbulent life.  As it is you have had a stable life as you say and that is all down to the fact that your mom gave you up.

All you ignorant idiots out there, look and learn before you JUDGE!!!!!

Answer 24

it is very nice to hear an adoptee say this, i am about to give my baby up for adoption and in all my questions about it there are people saying you should be able to bring up your own baby etc.  and there are also the adoptee's out there that feel abandoned for some reason, which i don't get.  it is sad you've never met your mother, do you not want to?  I'm hoping my child will want to know me one day, but it is completely up to him. he is staying in the family so he will always know me as auntie but they will be living far away so i hope when he finds out he would want to talk to me.

Answer 25

I dont think thes women are heartless, I feel terribly sorry for them, theyve had to give away something so precious, but at least they have had the baby and not murdered it with an abortion.

I think mums who give children away for adoption do it for a variety of reasons, most of them good and its not something they do lightly.  i imagine that they carry the guilt of giving their child away with them for ever, but at least with adoption the adoptive parents can be checked to make sure they are suitable, some biological mothers are appalling, and should never have been allowed to keep their kids.

its a difficult issue, some people do want to find their birth mum, others dont ever want to know, but I think all adoptive parents are awar that its a possibility their child will seek their birth mum.

I agree with adoption, its much better than having an abortion, that is something i just cannot condone.

Answer 26

because they are ignorant, i am also adopted, along with my 5 siblings, i do not know who is saying this to you but i have been blessed with not having to hear such rubbish, ignore those people, you have a good attitude have some understanding that some people just are too stupid to know what they are talking about

Answer 27

I think its testimony to the great job that your (adoptive) parents did that you can be so positive and say such fair and thoughtful things. I'm sure they are very proud of you!

Answer 28

Didn't you get the memo?

We all have split personalities... we are simultaneously whores and angels, sinners and saints, courageous and irresponsible, supremely loving and heartless, self-sacrificing and consumingly selfish.

No seriously, what Joy said.

P.S. How do you know your life is better if you've never met your biological mom? My family was poor and had money problems growing up, but I wouldn't trade MY family for the world.

P.P.S. This idea that we automatically gave our children a "better life" and that we are "so unselfish" are stereotypes and stigmatizing to us just as much as the idea that we're "heartless." Please start seeing us a real people, ALL of you. I don't like being seen as a two-dimensional paper doll, regardless of whether you're applying the label "heartless" OR "selfless" on me.

Answer 29

I don't think these women are heartless. I think it was a good decision that your biological mom put you up for adoption. It probably broke her heart though, and I bet she always think of you. The bond between a mother and a child is unbreakable, no matter where you are.

I hate it when people say... " Why did you have s*x? If you can't take care of the baby...? Blah blah."

Things happen. We can't control or stop them...what is done is done.  

Also...Have you noticed that the guy doesn't get blamed as much as the girl, even though it's partly there fault? How come the guy isn't considered heartless?

Some people think that these women are nothing but heartless, b/c they form one sided opinions. They don't know how difficult and complicated it is. They just look and go " Oh wow. What a ****. She had s*x and now she can't raise the kids."

I think people should step in the other person's shoe before they judge.

Answer 30

I don't know why people do this-maybe because they haven't been involved in an adoption in any way or the adoption they have been involved in has been a bad one. Adoption is very complicated and there is no one reason or one way or one outcome. The birthmother of my baby had a very similar situation to your birthmother and I have very strong feelings of respect and empathy for her.

Answer 31

Personally I dont think women are heartless who give their child up for adoption, in my opinion its better then aborting the child. To me it shows that they understand they are unable to care for their child so in the hope of giving them a better life they put the child up for adoption.

(I suppose some people dont understand why a woman would have unprotected s*x if she did not want to get pregnant.) I dont know just an idea.