Why are some people without disabilities freeloaders?

Question

I have multiple disabilities. I have been out on my own for 8 years, have a full time steady job, my own car and license, my own apartment and recently married.

My former best friend has no disabilities. She still lives with her father, no license or car, bounces from job to job and uses people. She believes she is very mature and independent.

We are both in our mid twenties. We were extremely close and had a lot of fun going out clubbing, bar hopping, etc. I can't do those things like I used to and I refuse to provide her with transportation...she ditches me. I was helping with transportation for work and asked for gas money and she avoided me.

She didn't show up to my wedding or helped me move when she said she was going to, but I was always there for her when she needed help.

We have different goals and lifestyles and she is free to live her life the way she chooses. She acts like she is waiting for a man to rescue her and take care of her.

It frustrates me that as a person with a disability, I have to work so much harder and then some people without disabilities have no drive to be independent and it's easier for them? Then they blame you for every little thing that went wrong in the friendship…

Answer 1

This happens with a person grows accustomed to "learned helplessness", a state where the person has learned to become totally dependent on the system, caregivers, and other people involved.  It also happens to a lot of typical people and is not endemic to the disabled.  It is easy to think we are helping a person when really some are enabling them to dependence.  I also believe some folks are inherently lazy and it may reflect parents lack of discipline and responsibilities.  This is a part of life; there are many able-bodied people who like to freeload on the gravy train...

Answer 2

This happens a lot with people who don't have disabilities too;  I guess it is all in the way people are raised.  If her parents always coddled her or bailed her out then she will never learn to stand on her own or to give as much as she takes.  I have had friends like that too, even though I have sever disabilities they always expected me to help but when I need help they are nowhere.  Good for you to have your life so together.  I totally understand where you are coming from.  

Answer 3

Losing a long-time friend is always painful, and we mourn the loss just as we would mourn the death of a loved one.  That said, you're right: she's a user and a loser.  As long as she can manipulate others to her will, she'll continue in the same pattern of behavior.  Some people are just like that; it's sad.  You do realize, I'm sure, that you're well off without her.   You sound very likable - I'm sure you've other friends and acquaintances who'll fill in the void she left.  And you'll win more friends as life goes on...

Answer 4

Some peoples 'disabilities' have different ways of being present ~ whilst not actually being classed as a 'Disability'.

But someone who you describe, who fails to function in what could fairly be described as a 'normal, thoughtful and giving or compassionate way', is likely a fully functioning ''dysfunctionate''.

Some of this 'type' of person could simply be described as 'mean', amongst other adjectives ~ whilst they are full of fear about all kinds of things connected with finances, and fear being destitute.  

They may even be aware of their meanness, and manage to manipulate others in ways which allows them to get away with it.

A woman I know actually 'rations the daily number of sheets of toilet paper that she and her guests are SUPPOSED to use' when staying at her Mediterranean coast accommodation.

Some of the type you describe are at war with the world and have no desire to change and join in with everyone, they see themselves as outsiders to Society and will take whatever they can get from it.

They in general have no goals in life but to maintain their chosen way of life ~ and to succeed in mainitaining it.

Sash.

Answer 5

This is a common frustration with friends - disabled or not - who refuse to grow up and be responsible for themselves as adults. The fact that you have a disability is no reflection on her decisions.

Often adversity - challenges - a disability as it were, is a catalyst to strive - God put a thorn in Paul's side to keep him focused on his work.

Anyway, some people do precisely what your "ex-friend" does - use people, blame everyone for the mess they make of their lives, expect everyone to give them everything on a gold platter - while they sit on a silk pillow. And when things go awry - as they always do - they're not prepared for it - and expect others to come-a-running to save them from themselves. Sad. Pity.

Ironically, this makes me wonder who is disabled? You or this girl you used to be friends with. Truly, you cannot help how you became disabled - either by birth, illness or accident. Yet you have made something of your life - and are successful because of your efforts and willingness to work for what you want. She, on the other hand, had everything handed to her - now she's a mess and unable to be anything to anyone but a parasite.

Again, I wonder who is truly disabled...

Anyway,  you are wise to end the friendship. She will only drag you down. And congratulations on your recent marriage and all the other successes you have in your life. Keep up the good work!

Answer 6

I am also a person with disabilities, and I have had quite a few former friends that could fit the description of yours to a tee. Maybe they think we are easier to manipulate, but I agree with the other answerers about the idea of them being the ones with the disability.

   I ponder what will eventually happen to these helpless souls when mommy and daddy pass away and they must make it on their own. I believe that those of us who have disabilities actually have been given gifts. We have to have twice the strength and fortitude to do the most simple task that others take for granted. And we do it without complaining [most of the time] while we listen to others patiently as they complain about their job ~when we wish we could work, or the traffic ~when we wish we could drive again, or their weight gain ~ when we are rapidly wasting away, or their hair ~ when our has all fallen out.

It is very frustrating. I have experienced it recently with a sibling. All we can do is try our best to not let our outer environment,including them, affect our inner environment. Kind people tend to take on others problems as their own, and you must stop that old pattern and focus on your own life and your accomplishments and goals. You are very fortunate to be able to work. You have a lot going for you. Don't waste any more precious time thinking, or writing about her, just go on with your life and don't feel guilty. You made the correct choice. You deserve the best in life.

Answer 7

  You seem to handle the fact you have disabilities very well, and I look up to that. But, because of one bad friend, you can't say that about the rest. I do not have anything wrong with me. I plan to move out of my house when I enter adulthood, go to college, go to be a full time pediatrician, and when I make enough money, get married and have a family.

  Your so called 'friend' is not a friend at all. I sorry to be the one to bring it to you, but it is very true. Therefor, you can't say all people without disabilities, are freeloaders. Losing a friend is hard, but don't blame us.

I am sorry if you label me as rude or mean, but I am offended by this.

Answer 8

By what you have described about your "so-called friend" she is an "user". Your "so-called friend" is deceiving herself by thinking she is very mature and independent. She needs to grow up and she also needs to stop using people.  

With the loss of a friendship by drifting apart from each other, you will make new friends who are very mature and independent and who do not uses people.

To BabyGirl18: Please note that Dragonflies NH used the word "some" but did not used the word "all".

Answer 9

The relationship/friendship has ran it's course. Enjoy your life you have much to be grateful for!