Why are there are all of these childless couples in the U.S who only want to adopt a healthily newborn?

Question

I'm always coming across ad's & such that are advertisements for these "loving couples" who are willing to adopt a baby. My question(s) are...

1.) If you want to be a parent so bad then why are you so picky. (Healthy newborns?)

2.) Why do you only want a newborn, there are plenty of older children who need the love of parents too?

Most white couples want only a HEALTHILY WHITE NEWBORN, it makes me ill.

I feel that if you have a undying need to become a parent it should not matter what "type" of child you become a parent too as long as you get to become parents. Babies or should I say children in general are not puppies at a pound to be picked over & the cutest one taken home.

Answer 1

Very true.  I should say it is a ongoing tradition. No one think like you. When they adopt any babe they treat as product more than human.

Answer 2

i would have to disagree many couples go to developing countries to adopt babies of all different races.  Many couples who can not concieve consider any child they get a precious gift

Answer 3

What parent wants a sickly child?  If you can afford all the medical bills, sure, why not?  Most parents, can't.  A lot of children, even healthy infants develop problems down the road, there's no perfect child.

As for white people wanting white children, if I were to adopt, I'd want a white child.  Why?  Because it sucks for a lot of kids who are completely out of sorts color wise in their family, then they have to explain it, etc. unless their parents continue to adopt internationally.  Believe me, I have friends that were internationally adopted and they hated being the "asian" kid in the house or the "black" kid in the house.  Some don't care and that's great.  

Oh and lets add in the other races here, how many black parents adopt white kids or asian kids?  How many Asian parent adopt white or black kids?  Seriously.  Find me a statistic that shows it's only whites that are particular.

Newborns give adoptive parents the ability to raise them from infancy, the parts they miss if they adopt an older child.  Some couples do the infant first and don't mind a bit of an older child down the road.  

The world is not perfect and all accepting as you may be.  Don't judge everyone for wanting a somewhat healthy child who "blends" into their families.  It's not a "pretty child" over an "ugly" child, it's, I'm spending 30K and can't afford massive medical bills right off the bat.

Answer 4

For one, where did you get the "statistic" that most people want white newborns? That is incredibly not true, about your other points. Couples want newborns so they make the special parent-to-child connection before the child realizes that he/she is being tossed around. And I seriously doubt that you would not prefer a healthy newborn over one with medical conditions. It is sad, but don't judge others for maybe not being able to AFFORD an unhealthy child. I agree when you say children should not be puppies at a pound, etc. etc.,  Basically it just comes down to what couples want, obviously a couple isn't going to want an unhealthy child, so there's your answer.

Now when it comes to already having that child, NO child should be loved more or less depending on what race, color, intelligence, or medical conditions they might have. Adopting, in a way is choosing, and people always choose what they want, even if they don't mean to.

Answer 5

too true. Being a parent is fulfilling no matter the age or health of the child.

Answer 6

When people say "healthy infant" they're usually referring to a child without a known serious condition such as heart problems, aids, extreme exposure to drugs and alcohol, etc. These are not easy issues to deal with, and many people know that they would not be the best family for this child. If given the choice most of us would choose for our kids to be healthy, but that doesn't mean that we would not still love them if they got sick later on. When we adopted we were open to many health issues, but I don't blame those who aren't.

Also, it is untrue that most families only want caucasian babies. However, as a parent who has adopted inter-racially I understand that inter-racial adoption is not right for every family. Yet, in the US there are many couples who are open to children of any race, but still find a long wait, and many risks in adopting domestically. That is why many families including ours chose international adoption. We wanted an adoption that carried less risk of falling through, and were happy to adopt an older infant or toddler, we new that at this point in our lives we were not prepared to meet the needs of an older foster child.

Many of the children in foster care have experienced great loss, abuse neglect, and many have emotional, behavioral or attachment issues. These kids need mature, experienced parents with lots of time, resources, and knowlegde of such issues. Many parents would not be up for the challenge and should not be made to feel bad for realizing this.

What "makes me ill" is when people who know very little about the adoption process, and have not and will probably never adopt a special needs or foster child, decide to accuse others of of being "too picky" or "treating children like pets" (that one really buggs me). As an adoptive parent, one must make tough adoption related decisions based on what is best for their family, and the children they intend to adopt.

I love my children with all of my heart and I know we made the right decisions, I am sorry if you can't understand that.

**Reading my comment you should see that I am NOT referring to "returning" a child once they've been adopted if they are found to be ill. In fact I said "that doesn't mean that they would not still love them if they got sick later on". Also, remember that I said that my husband and I WERE open to medical conditions, I just know that not everyone could deal well with some issues.

    What I am saying is that if a child has a known medical issue then a family should be found for them that has the resourses to best provide for them (this is in the best interest of the child) When someone has a biological child and finds they are ill they have already chosen to parent that particular child, and have bonded with them already. In adoption we are talking about a list of many couples who each can offer different things to a child, it is a very different situation. Do you think it's in the best interest of the child for an agency to randomly match a them with a family without taking their known special needs into account and say "take what you get"?

Answer 7

hey if they have a choice, who can blame them

true for people picking partners too

if I was picking at the orphanage, and I'm not at this point, I would want one who is already at least 9, very smart, funny, with a sense of humor, bipolar and/or addhd also, cute is nice too

Answer 8

I wholeheartedly agree, but some people just enjoy the experience of raising a child from birth and giving him their own name.  There are many challenges involved with adopting an older child that some people just don't feel equipped to handle.  I  applaud anyone who wants to adopt.

Answer 9

I have always been able to have children, but I have an adopted son who was an infant when he was placed with us.  (Its a long story.)  He was, as far as I knew, healthy; but he had gotten off to an awful beginning (and had a skull fracture).

Whether you have a baby or adopt a baby the nurturing that baby gets in the first three years of life affects how his brain connections form, his personality, and ways in which he will emulate his parents.  This is "the parenting experience", and it is what couples want.  They want to be able to make that baby as much as their own child as a biological child would be.

I was willing to take the chance that my son's skull fracture (and other things from a bad beginning) would not affect his future abilities because he was an infant when he came to us, and I knew I could have an impact on the type of child he would be, and I knew that he had been too young to have his emotional health affected by his beginning.  He happens to be of a different ethnicity to me and his father, but that didn't matter to me.

My kids are grown now, but if someone offered me a healthy infant of any ethnicity tomorrow I would be willing to adopt it.  Again, I know that my nurturing would help that baby be a baby who fits into my family and ways.

I know how cruel this sounds, but I have seen my share of children who are older and who have had similar bad backgrounds.  I've gone on the site that shows all the serverely disabled, horribly sick, little souls who are up for adoption across the United States.   On the same site that shows hard-to-place children there are older children, and it is noted they have severe emotional problems.

Most of the children show on that site have comments made by the people responsible for placing them, and those comments are things like, "Susie needs a mother with grown children" or "Mike needs to be in a home without other children" or "Jenny needs 24-hour care and parents who will be able to change her tubing".  Some of the children have comments like "is working on not being aggressive" or "is working on a problem with chronic stealing" or "needs someone who can help him overcome anger".

I've sat here at those times when I looked at that site (just to see if there may be a two-year-old I may wish to adopt, now that I'm older), and had tears rolling down my face as I scrolled through that site.  Still, the fact is even though I've been a good mother to my two biological children and one adopted child, and even though I could be a perfectly capable and good mother to a two-year-old who was healthy and wasn't terrifly damaged by a bad beginning, I, personally,  would not be capable of being the kind of mother those other children are said to need.

Do biological mothers get to choose healthy babies?  Of course not.  They take what they get, but they would never have elected to have a severely sick baby who may die in months.  Do they babies desperately need homes and parents to love them?  Sure.  Some of them, though, are in foster homes with foster mothers who are very skilled at the type of care special needs children require.  "Regular old parents" don't always have that kind of skill, and they know it.

There is also an element to being an adopted mother that nobody likes to talk about:  As someone who decided to adopt a child who needed someone to give him a good childhood, I can tell you that not all adoptive parents cannot have children themselves.  Some decide to adopt because a child needs them.  Even for those who can't have children themselves, though, the other part of adoption is that adoptive parents are giving some child who needs a home a home.  That's not such a horrible thing to do, and if parents know that they are "just regular people" and not particularly skilled at caring for sick children or severely emotionally damaged children they know that all they can be is parents of a healthy infant.  We live in a society, too, where many people frown upon inter-racial adoptions these days; so white people (who adopt more than other races to the best of my understanding) may believe they're only supposed to ask for white babies.

Many people don't feel strong enough or capable enough of dealing with a very sick child properly or with losing that child, and many people do not feel able to deal with a child who is so damaged he or she may set a house on fire, hurt animals or other children, etc.  As awful and cruel a reality as that may be, few biological or adoptive parents would elect that kind of difficulty, especially if they have seen how such difficulties turn lives permanently inside out, upside down, and worse.

I feel just as you do that sick babies and children and troubled children deserve good, permanent, parents who love them; but the other side of that is this:  Just because a couple cannot produce their own children why are they the ones who should take on the overwhelming burdens, heartbreak, and struggles of hard-to-place children?  Life has already given them the heartbreak of infertility.  They may not be able to take on more heartbreak.

Why is their wish to have what most other parents have, which is an infant they can raise their way and without having to pick up the pieces of abusive, drug-addicted, or alcoholic biological mothers?

My son will be 31 soon.  Because he was an infant when he was removed from his biological mother he didn't have a whole lot of emotional baggage, but even with that he had some retina damage from a poor prenatal environment and some learning problems that were most likely associated with his not feeling secure in early infancy (www.zerotothree.org has a piece about brain connections and how immune systems and stress responses can be affected for a person's whole life when infants aren't nurtured correctly).

Just about a week ago 60 Minutes had a whole thing on children who had been adopted as somewhat older children (and one was an infant) and how they have anger problems and behavior problems.  A program to reunite these children with their biological familes was put in place, and even then when the children met their biological families nobody would/could really take care of them.  One judge wouldn't let one teenage girl go with her biological mother because the girl was still so much of a behavior problem he didn't think the mother could deal with her.

When you're a normal, capable, decent, potential mother (biological or adoptive), and you know that you have the skill and love to nurture an infant into being a child who doesn't have anger issues or isn't devastated by fetal alcohol syndrome you can actually feel as if your skill and love will best be used by changing the future of an infant because there is still hope that the infant will benefit most from your care.  

Also, as a person who has never done drugs and who has parenting skills and who ate properly during my own pregnancies (I did have one awful miscarriage anyway), I felt that my children would not have the severe medical conditions and anger and behavior problems that are associated with abusive or drug-addicted biological mothers.  I was more than ready to deal with any problems any of my three children had (and I did have some challenges picking up the pieces of the adopted child's biological mother); but as someone who did nothing to bring on drug-associated, alcohol-associated, or abuse-associated conditions in my children I didn't really feel like asking for those difficulties.  Selfish?  Maybe.  The other side to that, though, is that because I knew I couldn't handle such difficulties and heartbreak (among other reasons that aren't as selfish) I would never do things that would bring those problems into my life.

Most people are probably like me - they probably just don't feel able to handle the overwhelming difficulties of caring for a child 24 hours a day (trach tubes, shunts, whatever many of those babies have).  Most people - selfish or not - don't want to adopt an older child who may be a sociopath, who may bring havoc into their lives, or who may grow up with anger issues in spite of being cared for and loved.

Most people find it heartbreaking and awful and sickening to think of children who need to be adopted and who are "hard to place"; and I don't think most people see these children as puppies at a pound (I, personally, can't even think about the awful situation that goes on with dogs and cats either).

It is normal for people to expect to have their children (or adopt them), raise them, and then to go on and live their lives as parents of grown children.  Expecting people to elect to take on the very difficult and heartbreaking sacrifice of knowing they must always be acting as a nurse to a child is, in most case, expecting more than people are able to take on.

You're right:  The situation makes me sick too, but the people who sicken me and who ought to be in prison for life are the vegetables who take drugs and alcohol when they're pregnant, who let live-in boyfriends beat their children, who beat their own children, or leave them in cribs until they develop mental retardation.  These are the people who are responsible for creating babies and children who are so severely sick and damaged no "regular" parents are able to confidently take on all the heartbreak, worries, care, and problems of these poor little souls; and it is a rare person who can promise to give up his or her life for a child who is so damaged and not their biological child.

Most of us find ways to deal with the awful stuff that life puts on us.  Few of us have the emotional resources to ask for yet more difficulties and sadness and challenges.

The young couple who just wants to be a family like everyone else should not be seen as horrible because they know that an infant can be raised as their own child, while a hard-to-place, older baby or child can never be truly their own child simply because they wouldn't have the opportunity to help build brain connections in that child (and because that child would come to their family with baggage and damage that would be more than they could handle).

Young couples who want to adopt usually want to adopt because they want to build a family just like everyone else does.  They aren't particularly in the market for becoming full-time nurses, social workers, or prison guards; and they aren't looking to build a life of difficulty.  Understanding that the motive is to build a family is one motive, and wishing to help a child who needs special care is a different motive, may help people understand why adoptions are not all the same and why the build-a-family couple only opts for a certain type of adoption.

People aren't generally looking for the "cutest" baby.  They're looking for the same, normal, life that most other people get to take for granted when they have biological children.  Its not about getting a "type" of child.  Its about getting a child whose development can be impacted nurturing the most.

Backwards as the reasoning may sound, I can tell you that as the mother of an adopted infant I felt that I made the biggest impact because of the way nurturing can impact an infant's development.  In my own way, I see that I have made a bigger difference in this one young man's life than I could ever have made in an older child's life.  He is one less damaged person in this world, and I don't think that's such a bad thing.

Answer 10

I can see this from both sides.

As someone who adopted three older, special-needs children, it was a very difficult route to take.

On the other hand, people TRULY are too picky about the "healthy white newborn" business.  Even birth children may have a little color difference, a birth defect, a health problem, or be premature.  If people want to be parents, they really should be willing to take some bad with the good.  That's what being a parent is all about!!

Answer 11

People picks their own races, because they don't want to be questioned by others when you go out with your child.

They really could bring up the whole issues of your private lives, for example, infertility, what race is your husband and are you cheating on your spouse, are you promiscuous on your s*x life

I remember I babysite for a white couple when I was a teenager, I brought him to the liberary and was pounded by a whole bunch of questions. I bet some might think I stole him

Answer 12

i think some pp are just being to picky any child needs a loving hom no matter what age or race they are

Answer 13

It seems odd yet somehow, at least in some cases, understandable.  For a while there, several years back, people were having their adopted children taken away when the mothers changed their minds or the fathers suddenly came out of the woodwork denying any previous knowledge about the child and demanding to have it.  The courts found in favor of the biological parents and the children were taken from their homes.  Additionally, with so much drug abuse, people are afraid of what kind of problems they will end up with, "potentially damaged" children.  People of whatever race are not always allowed to adopt children that do not at least resemble their race because some genius has determined that it's not healthy for the child.  Like having no parents is!  And some are simply shallow and refuse to have anything that will not resemble a "perfect family" as they perceive one should be.  This is why people of better means adopt children from overseas, they're not as likely to be held to the same standards as they are at home and it makes their process of adoption easier.

Sadly it's the unwanted children in this country (U.S.A.) that suffer the consequences of not feeling loved or taught right from wrong and they end up as another component of our social epidemic.

On a very personal note, my husband and I haven't and will not be able to have children.  Although I have never wanted to have children myself, my husband was very eager to be a dad and I said that I'd do it but it never happened for us.  When we started to realize that we would not be able to have children ourselves, we discussed adoption.  This was around the time that all these biological parenst were taking the children back and it was all over the news.  Out of fear of having a child ripped away from us, we opted to leave it alone.  The truth is that I don't believe that I have a single maternal instinct which is why I never wanted children.  That said, if we had adopted and they tried to take the child from us, there's no telling what I would have been capable of not to have my child taken away.  The fact is that mothers and fathers are those who make themselves mothers and fathers by their actions, not those who conceive and birth.  If this was the case, no child would be unwanted.

Answer 14

Wow, so many questions here.  First, if you have your own baby and you have health coverage, you are not paying thousands of dollars just to adopt a child.  So, right there, maybe people feel they have a right to be "pickey" because they have had to squrimp and save every penny for a long time.  And, on top of that, they have likely gone through infertility treatments, feeling of inadequecy at not being able to give birth to a child, etc.  It can be very difficult.  Also, people have to be honest with themselves about what they can handle.  Many people don't feel they can handle certain special needs.  You can argue that birth moms don't have the choice, but they do.  You should check out adoption photolistings for foster children to see how many of them have special needs!  (Trust me, I am a foster parent.)  

Yes, people may want to adopt children of their own race.  It is very uncomfortable when you have a child that does not look like you and you are standing in line at the bank and the person in front of you asks if your child is really yours.  Have you experienced this?  It is a matter of choice.  I hate to say it, but it is really up to the person adopting.  If the birth mom doesn't like it, she doesn't have to pick that family.

Babies in this country vs. babies in another country?  I think there are people fighting for newborns over here.  Many of these infants will get adopted.  The children from other countries don't have as much chance of getting adopted.  There is nothing wrong with giving a chance to a child that might never have one.  In fact, many of these people adopt specail needs children or sibling groups when they adopt from another country.

As far as adopting older children, there are many difficulties involved.  I am a foster parent and I plan to adopt some older children, as well as an infant.  However, the older children come with a ton of baggage.  One minute they love you, the next they are telling you that you aren't their mom and they don't want you to be.  Yes, you still love them, but it isn't easy.  It isn't for everyone.  You can't say you are going to adopt them and then decide it is too hard.  I know these children need loving homes, but adopting an older child is something you need to be sure about before you do it.  If you have experienced this, you know what I am talking about.  If not, you shouldn't be asking why people don't do something that you aren't willing to do.

There are so many issues here.  It is never bad to give a loving home to a child who needs one.  Wether white, african american, any other race, american or from another country, newborn or 18.  Maybe you should think of adoption in those terms.

Answer 15

Please share your experience of adoption.  

I don't wish to sound attacking or belittling becasue I don't know you, but it sounds like you have not experienced some of life's roller coasters that would lead a couple to adoption.

How many years of infertility have you gone through or multiple miscarriages?   How many times has your dream to experience pregnancy, delivery, bonding, nursing been shot?

For many couples this is a reality.  Once they have mourned and grieved for the baby that will never be, adoption is another option for parenthood.  And there are so many ways to build a family, what works for one couple does not work for another.  It's outrageous that you would judge people unless you have been in their shoes-so please share your story.

When we crossed that road, we researched and went through family counseling to decide what is best for us.  At the time, we learned more and more about adopting through foster care, and all the baggage and trauma these kiddos have been through.  Unfortunately, we did not follow through with the adoption.  But I am so grateful for the learning experience.  Adopting older kids, ill, or of different race/ethnicity is NOT for everyone.  Perhaps we will adopt in the future, and I do advocate for foster care adoption.  But I would never dream of insulting the general public for their decisions.

Answer 16

I agree with you. Plus, I'm not understanding why so many people choose to adopt babies from other countries, when there are children right around them in the US that need homes too...

Answer 17

I understand where you are coming from.What gets me is why are these people going to different countrys to get these babies when we have so many right here in the US waiting for adoption.

Answer 18

it makes me ill yoo i mean u shouldn't be picky pick a chid who is in need of ur help give the child a home dont be picky love them care for them treat them like ur own . i doesn't matter who or what color or wat thier health is love them and treat them right . this goes to every body

Answer 19

i never thought about that, but you're right. i guess people just want the "picture-perfect" family and won't settle for anything less...

Answer 20

First of all, you are VERY judgemental, and need to take a breath sister.........The desire to parent, yes is just that, however, everyone has the "right" to decide what they desire in a child, newborn or not.

Have you even thought through this???? Most adoptive couples have been through h**l with infertility, miscarriages, and emotional/physical turmoil.

As far as your birth defect question, you obviously do not know anything about the adoption process. There is a long questionairre that we must fill out at the beginning of our process, where MOST do accept birth defects to a certain degree or more, as well as age, newborn to one year, or older, etc., mixed race, baby conceived by rape, mother who is a substance abuser, the list goes on and on.  Therefore, do not "stereotype" all adoptive couples who choose domestic adoption as "only wanting healthy newborns"...........If you think about it, most people desire a baby first, but others, may have an interest in an older child, and there are many!  

Lastly, most placements are not in the control of the adoptive parents, we don't "pick our babies".........normally, that is up to the birth mother after she reviews our scrapbooks, and letters.  To refer to children as puppies that are picked over is mean hearted, and rediculous.  The more I read your question, the more I realized your ignorance.............educate yourself on adoption please..........

Answer 21

It really isn't that simple.  

A parent has to be able to parent a child in a positive and nurturing environment.  Not all people are capable of parenting a child outside of their own race.  So many would not qualify, even if they wanted to.  And others simply do not want to.

We should allow children to be parented by parents who are not 100% enthusiastic about parenting them!  Whether bio or through adoption.  Children should be wanted and cherished and valued and treasured -- for who they are.  If there is hesitation, or questions, or doubts, then the answer should be -- no.

And contrary to what you may think, almost all African American, Bi-racial and Hispanic babies are adopted by Caucasian parents.  

And, true enough, most parents, biologic or adoptive, hope their children will be healthy!  But there are plenty of parents out there who have a special gift for, desire to adopt and parent and love and care for a child who is not healthy.  All newborns in the U. S, regardless of their race or health, have, with few exceptions, thousands of parents waiting to adopt them.

It is the troubled and passed over older children who are not adopted in the U.S.  They often require lots of care and patience, as well as therapy and guidance as well as love.  We should be ashamed of the fact that we, the "greatest country on earth" have over 500,000 of our children in foster care!  Deplorable.

We must find ways to support, educate, teach and qualify BIOLOGICAL parents to parent, in similar ways as require adoptive parents to be approved to adopt.  Then we would have fewer children growing up in the bleak conditions of foster care!