Why are there so many labels in adoption?

Question

“Adoptive mother, birthmother, natural mother, natural father, first mother, first father, biological mother, biological father, adoptee, biological kids, real parents, second parents etc. etc. etc” . I’m sure there are more, some politically correct, others not so.

Can adoption actually just be a process? For example, if you are describing how your child came to join your family, can you just say “through adoption”, not “oh she’s adopted”. When referring to his/her mother who gave birth to him/her, you could just say “his/her mother who gave birth to her” say at the beginning of the sentence to clarify who she is and then just use names to distinguish her from his/her other Mom, e.g. Mom Betty and Mom Sally.

I don’t really like my children being referred to as adoptees or myself as an adoptive mother. I’m just Mom and they are just my kids who also had another Mom (and Dad) before me.

What do people think?

Answer 1

Well, when I'm talking about my parents in regards to my adoption I call both my mothers, "mother" and both my fathers, "father".  But then people don't know who the h**l I'm talking about, so there has to be some sort of differentiation....hence, the first, natural, adoptive, blah, blah blah labels.

When I'm talking about them in a non-adoption related context, I call my first parents by their first names, and my adoptive parents mom and dad.

I call myself an adoptee, because that's what I am. And being adopted makes me different because adoptees are the only people in the world who have two sets of parents and who have to go through the hassle of explaining all this  nonsense to the people who adopted them!

Answer 2

"Can adoption just be a process?"  Wow.  As an adoptee, I definitely feel that my adoption was much more than a process.  Adoption stole so much from me...so much of the undefinable and sweet that is is just a natural part of life.  Adoption also rescued me from what most certainly would have been a terrible life.

Adoption is a process, as you call it, that lacks a vocabulary...because it is unnatural and defies explanation.  We don't have generally agreed upon words to name its participants and describe the situations it causes because no one can think up words that are good enough, descriptive enough, complete enough.

Adoption is also a very personal experience.  So, the words  that sound right to you, might be very wrong for me.  I use terms such as:  amom and bdad because they are easy to type and generally understood.  Be that as it may, I never refered to either of these people by those words.  I can't ever remember a time when my amom refered to me as an adoptee.  

Finally I do think there are some disrespectful and hurtful words thrown around adoption.  Without mentioning specifics, I always try to avoid those words.  I also believe there are many DECEPTIVE words used by those who wish to gloss over important issues related to adoption.  Those words, and the deceptions that they attempt to hide, deserve to be called out and named...so we can banish them.

Answer 3

Its ok just tell them what you think you should say!

Answer 4

Because some people feel like they are entitled to be called the Mum only and that the First Mother was just a uterus

There is so much anger and anguish in Adoption..And its all the grownups doing the fighting..

The adoptive parent is pulling give me ,give me and the First mother is saying No I dont want to do this and being pushed into it by society or parents or boyfriend or her own self...

And the baby has ZERO Say in the matter until she/he grows up and then they are all contorted from what the *grown ups* did

I'm not saying ALL Aparents are like this or ALL Birth Mothers are like this and there are even some adoptees still in denial.

But in the main that is what adoption is like. Then you get the agencies , the money makers etc drumming up the variosu propaganda...

I agree just call them both Mother.

And for the record I HATE the Word ADOPTEE

Answer 5

Define your own experience and let others define theirs

I do find birthdad very silly though - men can't give birth!

Answer 6

For the record I love the name adoptee - but each to their own.

I don't go around IRL singing from the tree-tops that I'm an adoptee though.

Really - don't get hung up on it.

If you do - so will the kids.

An adoptee has two mothers (sometimes more - if they've been through a foster home or two).

That's our reality.

Whatever you do - don't negate the roll of the first mother - or any other mother.

They are all important to an adoptee.

Adoptees don't want want to have to choose.

(they may choose of their own will - but they shouldn't be forced into choosing)

They will - if you make them - they'll say whatever they can to please you - they don't want to be rejected.

But why place such pressures on a child??

Allow them to know and love all their family.

They are all part of the adoptee.

And the adoptee has already been placed into a situation that they had no say over - don't make it harder than it should be.

(ie - relinquishment and adoption are all adult decisions - babies just want to stay with their mothers that they grew inside of - that's how they're hard wired - it's a fact - and noone needs to get all uptight about it.)

To be honest - most labels are made to clarify conversations that are usually on-line - so that people know who you're talking about.

I would never say - 'oh hello adoptive mother' - to my a-mum.

Same as - I would never say - 'oh hello birth/first mother'.

They're both mum to me.

My reality.

It's other people - outsiders - that place the labels.

As I said - children will make a big deal out of it - if you do.

So don't!!

All the best.

Answer 7

to each their own.

I dont want to be reffered to as just some woman who gave birth to some kid....

I have more meaning to my daughter and her adoptive parents then that.