Why are you bothered by adoptee 'anger'?

Question

Many here say adoptees are 'angry'.

So, why, if you're a happy, well adjusted adoptee, prospective AP, or AP does adoptee 'rage' 'anger' or 'bitterness' bother YOU?

All opinions welcome.

Answer 1

I'm adopted.  I am contented with a good life and family.  It doesn't bother me when adoptees have anger about issues related to adoption.  Why should it?  Even though I am happy and enjoy my life, I still have a problem with the injustice of any law that treats people unequally under the law simply because someone adopted them.

I would find it odd that anyone not feel anger about injustice in the law, or about a system that includes duping and scamming.  

Why are there still those who just can't seem to separate a person's dismay with certain laws and practices from that person's overall happiness and level of adjustment?

Answer 2

It seems people come here to get things off their chests, where else can you come and say whatever you want (within reason), tell your story, pour your heart out and p**s someone off.

Our stories are meant to help people. The rage, anger and bitterness just makes me so sad and guilty. Sometimes I can't come here and  read or answer letters, because it just makes me very depressed. I cry when I read some stories.

Answer 3

what bothers me is i have great feelings about adoption. i had a great home, grew up and found my bioparents (whom i absolutely adore) and lived my life a happy little adoptee that thought most everyone felt the same as i did.

until i came here

wow what an eye opener! i had no idea some of the things that went on in adoption. to be completely honest, some days i wish i still had the comfort of my previous ignorance. the pain and confusion so many feel is staggering. the hostility some project is boggling. the shady ways of some agencies is disgusting and infurating.

but i have learned so much

at times i feel almost ashamed and guilty. i hear the pain and read the stories of loss and heartache and i am sitting here with all the people i love (adopted and biological) in my life. i thank my bparents for the choice they made, i appreciate my afamily for all they gave me. i was loved and given a better life, not tossed aside because i was unwanted.

it honestly hurts me to know some of us adoptees are living life confused, hurt, abandoned, persecuted, lied to, shunned and abused.

i feel guilt because i didnt have that. i wish i could share a slice of what i feel with the "angry adoptees" i wish i could show them the good side, what it was SUPPOSED to be like, but i cant. and that bothers me.

maybe i am being an a**, but i really do feel that way. the life i was given was out of my control and so is the life of any other adoptee, but i still feel like i was given something that maybe i dont deserve. why should i have so much when others have almost nothing?

like i said, i may be a little overboard with all this, but i cant help the way i feel.

Answer 4

Well.....ha ha ha seen as though I am the one who is always "accused" of being a person who takes the p**s out of "angry" adoptees, I think I had better explain myself hadnt I.

I think it work both ways though. I am on of those "happy" adoptees, but yet myself and so many other "happy"adoptees, get sarcasim thrown our way.

I am not bothered who is angry on here, I think most peoples anger (unless abused) on here, is to do with the fact that the USA doesnt allow records to be shown to adoptees. I think thats wrong and I DO understand why people would be angry. I get a bit pissed with APs getting stick too. This site isnt fair play and neither are the people on it!  I have just had two questions reported for no reason what so ever!! The questions were not baiting nor were they offensive!!! People need to lighten up on here me thinks.

Anyway, I have reasons to be a very "angry" adoptee, but I wont publicly share my storey. If people want to know then they should mail me instead of assuming I am just anouther ranter. When you have read my story then you may understand why I dont like it when people who have been baught up in a loving home etc, complain about their "adopted life" as if they are in an AA meeting.

"ugh, my name is sarah and I am an adoptee"

That sort of thing

P.S sunny, you have said some pretty c**p things on here too dont forget, so I am, ooops I mean, we are not the only ones.

It seems to be different rules for different people.

Answer 5

Because of people who say things like "all opinions welcome", but really only care about their own opinion. It isn't about bitterness bothering me... it is more the idea that some of the adoptees on here are so angry about what happened to them that they are incapable of looking at the situation and realizing that it isn't always that way.

Personally, I have learned a new perspective from visiting this site. I have learned to be more conscious of some of the issues that will face a child should my husband and I adopt. I just think that it is unfortunate that some of the adoptees on this site cannot look and see that there really are some good people out there who have good intentions and aren't out there trying to "coerce" someone into giving up a baby that they want to keep. I think some people just use that concept to justify why their own parents gave them up. I think it makes them feel better to think that their mother was "coerced" into giving them up, but that she really did want them.

In reality there are women who do not have a support system built into their family that would be willing to raise their baby. There are also women out there who cannot raise a baby. They may be limited situations, but they do exist.

Foster care into adoption isn't the only answer yet it is the only answer that some of the people on here thing is acceptable. Foster children had to have come from somewhere. Why not adopt them when they are born--before they are neglected or abused?

Answer 6

I'm really tired of the angry happy neener neener debates or whatever it is

..... twidles her thumbs

......

.

Answer 7

Because uninformed people think adoption is horrible and that all adoptees are mental cases which is NOT true.  It just shows me that the need for positive adoption education is needed more than ever.

Answer 8

It doesn't bother me, it has enlightened me. I am glad adoptees have a place to say the things that have weighed them down for so long. I had no idea what adoptees went through, and I find it heartwrenching.

Only insecure people can't stand the truth of someone's pain. I simply don't understand that, especially if they're so "happy", It doesn't make sense.

Answer 9

I am not a bit bothered by adoptee anger.

I am bothered by people who try and tell everyone that they should be angry, and belittle those who aren't.

Answer 10

It doesn't bother me as I see individuals being more hurt, have pain and frustration with their personal adoption experience or knowledge in how adoption can be negative.  For me, it's an eye opener to finally be able to see both perspectives hand in hand & realize that I was not alone in my opinions of adoption.

I think because I have pushed the negative thoughts to the back of my mind people may class myself as one of those 'happy' adoptees, however, I think that is more along the lines of my life as a whole.  When I do reflect on the adoption part of my life I don't think one can class me as being happy or angry as much as I just think I've come to 'acceptance' with my situation.  That acceptance doesn't mean issues will not arise as adoption is very much a part of what molded me into the person I am...good & the bad.

I just hope that each adoptee who is still affected by the negativity of adoption can one day find their own peace.

Answer 11

I'm like Rachael, I've had a good life.  I HAVE a good life.  My aparents were not perfect but I'm not perfect either so you make due with what you have.

I think the adoption industry needs reform  and I am sickened by the amount of people out there who feel entitled to someone else's baby or who seem to think that adoption is some huge baby factory or store where you can pick out whatever you want and then complain about the price.  It's sick.

That doesn't make me  an "angry"adoptee.  I'm not angry.  I'm not.

And I know that I have never told anyone that they are living in a fog or in denial because they are happy. I don't do that and I wouldn't do that.

I do feel there is a psychology to being adopted.  And I acknowledge that there is loss in adoption.  I always wondered where I came from.  I always wanted to know what really happened.  But that wonder has not determined the course of my life.  I have worked hard to be a happy, successful person.  It doesn't mean I don't have questions or pain.  I'm  a human being and being relinquished for adoption has had effects on me.  But it hasn't destroyed my life in any way.

I am tired of being told to be glad I wasn't aborted.  I am tired of being told that because I want reform that I must have had a bad experience.  And I am tired of people thinking that adoption is some kind of baby store where you put your order in and get what you want when your name comes up.  it doesn't work that way.

And most of all, I am shocked, just shocked by the complete lack of research most adoptive parents do before jumping into adoption.  It seems that many are so blinded by their own desires that they don't even seem to care about ethics or costs or the ramifications of their actions.  

When I had my own children, my husband and I researched everything, doctors, hospitals, birth methods, insurance costs, midwives, doulas, we researched it all.  

I have asked two questions about the amount of research people do before adopting or placing and the many of the people who are most vocal here just plain do not answer.  It boggles my mind.

I am not angry about being adopted.  And I had a pretty good experience personally.  I guess at this point, I'm just disgusted.

Answer 12

ha..because, sunny...

... some 'happy adoptees and aparents' want  to only see adoption being a win/win/win for all. and angry adoptees p**s on that wet-dream by introducing a contrary viewpoint.

good question.

Answer 13

I'm not bothered by adoptee "anger" I am trying to understand it. Is it really anger?  If so then what is it directed at?  Is this what is in store for my girls? You guys here ask the most profound questions that really get me thinking.  I feel a lot of the time that my head is spinning.  I've learned so much on this website and i'm sure i have a long way to go.   I'm a math and science girl, so communicating  like this is hard for me and i worry i'm not good a getting my correct viewpoints across.

I want to raise happy, healthy and well rounded children.  The only thing that bothers me is when my family is attacked.  Some had said something once about people adopting kids of another race do it for the attention and a pat on the back.

That was one on the ignorant statements i've ever heard!  Don't you know i'm a sl*t.  I am so lucky that my husband actually married me.  My husband is the greatest guy ever to forgive me.  No one assumes i adopted!  They assume either I cheated on my husband or I had a kid before we were married.  I refuse to tell anyone our some of our children are adopted and some are not.  That is my daughters business.  If she wants to tell people its her choice not mine.  I just keep my mouth shut.  I say that all of our daughters were wanted and loved.

I'm trying to learn here.  If i'm uninformed please just tell me you don't have to lash out at me.  I want to know how i can help ease my daughters pain.  If there is anything i can do that will be helpful.  What is the difference between a good adoption experience and a bad adoption experience?  Was it the aparents, the system, the loss of being taken from your bmother?  A mix of all?  Is there even a such a thing as an adoption experience? idk

When someone takes the time to pour out their painful past i never judge.  I just listen.  I wish them well and see is there is a moral to the story that i can learn from.  Everyones stories here are different.  We all feel different emotions at different times. I actually enjoy our differences.  I just wish we could communicate in a more kind manner b/c no one know what its like to walk in someone elses shoes.  Sarcasim is just not necessary here with so many deep personal stories.

and by the way,

Only 1 of our 3 bdaughters were planned b/c drs keep doing hsg.  The dye shows both of my tubes are destroyed.  Drs said just be greatful you ever had a baby cause it will never happen again!  Yeah right. 17mo later bdaughter #2 came along.  No one can explain how i get pregnant I' just glad i do.

Answer 14

actually I've seen more 'anger' from the people who claim to be happy well-adjusted folks with NO issues

At least I'm honest, I'm ANGRY that I am denied my own birth certificate, something that ever other citizen is entitled to, simply because I was adopted by someone!  (p.s My adoptive mother is pretty pissed off about this discrimination too and is entirely supportive of my pissed offedness!)

Answer 15

I am adopted and have 2 adopted children.  It is not that adoptees have anger that upsets me- it actually saddens me, I always wish others would have a great experience as I did- what does upset me is the fact that I have had remarks that they think I must be living in denial that my 2 kids and I do not have any issues about adoption. It is true that some here who are anger do not like it that I am not.

Answer 16

My frustration with "angry" adoptees isn't about adoption at all.  I personally have little patience with ANYONE, adopted or not, who chooses to constantly focus on everything that has ever gone wrong in their life & feel sorry for themselves.  I feel sorry for people who have truly suffered in their lives.  I can only hope they get the help they need to work through it, and go on to have a happy life.  You hear stories of people who have gone through some of life's most horrible situations and yet came through on the other side.  Nelson Mandela is a great example of someone who suffered a great injustice but you don't see him sitting around constantly feeling sorry for himself or whining to the world that he wasn't treated fairly.  He uses his situation to educate, and I've never once seen him come across as bitter, angry, or still holding on to the past.  I admire those kind of people....people who can take a horrible situation in their lives & CHOOSE to go on.  I have no patience for people who just want to wallow in self-pity & victimhood......and that has nothing to do with adoptees.  That is people in general.  I myself was raped at the age of 20.  In fact, he took my virginity....lovely, huh?  I was waiting to give my virginity to my husband but it was cruelly taken from me.  But did I use that as a crutch to justify feeling sorry for myself the rest of my life?  NO.  Of course, I had to take time & counseling to get over that.  There's nothing wrong with taking time to grieve and work through whatever you're feeling.  But there comes a point where you have to take responsibility for your OWN life & stop blaming something in your life (whether that's rape, bad parents, adoption, whatever) for ruining everything.  They say "attitude is everything" and I truly believe that.  When you're determined to be a victim, that's how you'll live your life & you'll never have a full or happy life.  To me, that's a very sad way to live.  If I had chosen to do that, it would've meant my rapist WON.  I wasn't about to let that happen.  I'm proud to say I worked through it & was able to move on to have a happy, fulfilling life.  I wish that for anyone who has gone through a trauma.

EDIT:  wow....I guess people on this forum are opposed to such values as self-reliance, personal responsibility, and strength in the face of life's challenges.  I can't believe my statement got so many thumbs down but hey....I guess those are all the FRAGILE people on here who, like I said before, are consumed with wallowing in their own self-pity & don't want to be told they are doing so.  I can't imagine ANYONE disagreeing with the idea that it's better to face life's challenges with strength than by wallowing or playing the victim.  Well, I guess that's why so many therapists stay in business.  You people need it!

Answer 17

Why yes, it does bother me. It bothers me when anyone has reasons to be angry because of systematic discrimination or disempowerment. It bothers me that adoptees are not listened to, and that simple disagreement is ascribed to anger. It bothers me when anyone's story is dismissed, be it a happy story, an angry story, or, like any really true story, one with both happy and angry parts.

Answer 18

I think there are certain people here who can be very cold-hearted and judgmental.  They accuse angry adoptees of playing the victim and admonish them to 'get over it'.  It seems they have appointed themselves judge and jury over other people's feelings and experiences.  

Who are they to decide when someone else needs to move on?  They don't know where other people are in their lives, what work has been done already, or how much still needs to be done.  Everyone is different how they process their feelings and judging them for this is senseless.  

Personally, I would never presume to tell someone else how they should feel.  That is none of my business, and it shouldn't be anyone else's business to tell me how I should feel either.

I have stated before in other answers that I have accomplished a lot in my life despite having issues of abondonment, loss and sadness.  I have a Master's degree and a good career, I'm married and have children.  I am not sitting around feeling sorry for myself and playing the victim.  Far from it, the work that I'm doing to heal the hurt and loss I feel from being adopted is because I realized that I will be more effective and useful in all aspects of my life if I deal with it rather than bury it away.  

It is definitely not easy and not for the feint-hearted.  It takes a lot of courage and strength to face up to some of the most painful emotions a person can have and to take responsibility for working through it.  

I really don't understand why other people would be bothered or care about another person's anger or any other emotions.  It's rather ignorant and narrow-minded for them to think that everyone should think and feel the same way that they do.  

I don't think there's any point in life when there is nothing to work on at all.  There are always opportunities to learn and grow and there's no shame in that.

Answer 19

I'm not bothered by it.  Their parents didn't want to raise them.  That's so sad.  I would be angry too.

Answer 20

I have only seen this issue from the Mother's perspective so I have only seen an enraged young Woman who was exploited through a so-called "open adoption" that closed within 3 months when the AP's moved without leaving so much as a forwarding address with the post office.  

I think that people who have had generally good experiences of adoption don't understand the other side of it.  It is beyond their understanding because it is beyond their experience.  When they are confronted with what they don't understand, particularly from very passionate people about a very serious and personal issue, they don't know quite how to react or how to process it.  It bothers all human beings when they are confronted with a darker side of something they hold in high regards.  With adoption this is especially true because for every family ripped apart, for every child taken from its Mother, another family may move toward completion, another couple may become happy and satisfied with their acquisition.  

From my experience, this seems to be what is happening when the happy, satisfied people are bothered by the less than sunshine-and-kittens version of adoption we've been fed by the popular media.

Peace,

Jenn

Answer 21

The bitterness doesn't bother me, everyone has their own struggles; however when answers come back caustically judgemental about your desire to adopt then I am bothered.  Some (I am sure on all sides of the issue) take a broad brustroke and paint all adoptive parents the same.

Answer 22

I think people in general just sometimes feel like they are not being understood.  A lot of this has to do with the limitations of communicating on the internet.  Once someone expresses anger or strong feelings it is easy to "hear" them as being mad every single time.  I think we very often misinterpret tone.  Sometimes passion is interpreted over the internet as hostility.   This works both ways with "happy" people being interpreted as "sarcastic"  or "dismissive" when that may not be the intent.   If we had to all talk face to face we'd realize that people were not always yelling and shouting like they seem to be in writing. We'd see that we are all more reasonable than we sometimes appear to be on this site. :_)

Answer 23

Because, Sunny, its the SYSTEM that is bad..not these people.

I am not in denial.  I am happy.  I don't have any feelings one way or the other towards my bio family...I don't regret being a birth mom.

Others' anger doesn't bother me...its their insistance that I MUST BE TOO.  I'm not a follower.  I don't join ranks.

I got 15 thumbs down once for telling my adoption story!  LOLOLOLOL  That's hilarious!  How does my LIFE get a thumbs down??  

I feel for you that had bad experiences.  I DO want reform.  But I also feel that there are those out there that the system DOES work for and others on here try and convince that it didn't work for them...they just don't know it yet.

And, I've seen you - personally, say some nasty things to people.

Answer 24

I'm not bothered by other peoples' feelings.  We all experience things differently.  If some are angry, it's their right to feel how they feel.

What I object to are the sweeping generalizations that I often see.  For example, I often see the opinion that "ALL adoption is about loss" or that "ALL adoptees suffered a traumatic loss as they were ripped from their real family."  For me, my adoption wasn't about loss at all, it was about gaining a stable future, great family, and a happy childhood.  I've just finished reading Primal Wound and I disagreed with most of it.  It just didn't apply at all to my personal situation.

Answer 25

It doesn't bother me.  I think a lot of adoptees get called angry who aren't.  

I mean who is angry all the time?  That's crazy.

Maybe sarahhhhhhhhhhhhh, she seems angry all the time, maybe because she has all those stupid hhhhhhhhhhhhhhs in her name, that would p**s me off too.

What are you talking about Sunny?

Answer 26

Why does it bother you so much that there are adoptees who ARE happy & well adjusted?  Aren't you the one who says "don't take it personally"?  Why then do you take the anger issue personally?

I am a happy adoptee.  Is that so wrong?  Okay, so well-adjusted is a far cry after the abuse I went thru - but counseling helps me to deal with that part of my life, if life is what you can call it.  Have I not suffered enough with the nightmares of my sexual abuse?  Do people now have to question the reasons I am happy to be adopted?  

You can be angry.  Just let me be happy.  Ok?

Answer 27

I am (to use your words) a happy well adjusted adoptive parent and I am not bothered by adoptee rage, anger or bitterness.  I acknowledge your anger but that doesn't mean that your anger has to spread to me.  It is wrong to insist that the whole world be angry with you.  This is YOUR issue--everyone has their own issues.  It feels that you want to force your issues onto everyone else who is on this site. I see PAPs who are new to this forum who ask an honest question about the adoptive process and are litterly attacked and that is wrong, too.  I was attacked on the very first post I unsuspectingly made.  

I think there is a group of about 10-15 very verbal adoptees who are angry and bitter who try to bully anyone who has a different opinion.  This group is it's own fan club and seem to think they can change other's minds by being mean and nasty. These people have very closed minds and don't want to hear what they don't want to hear.  Being closed minded--isn't that the very thing that you accuse of others?

Bottom lines is, at the end of the day, I'm still going to be a happy well adjusted AP and you are still going to be angry and bitter and full of rage.  

I've said it before:  Happiness is an attitude and your attitude is whatever YOU choose.  You have complete control over over your attitude.  You and ONLY YOU are responsible for your happiness--not the US government (it only promises you the pursuit of happiness), not your adoptive parents, not your biological parents, not your husband, boyfriend, kids, next door neighbor, or your dog.  YOU!!   If you choose the angry attitude, your anger, rage, and bitterness will eventually eat you alive from the inside out.  

Whatever you choose, it's not going to change my life (or anyone else's on this forum) one little bit.

Edited to add in response to Sunny's response:

Sunny, I agree with that statement:  "Truly happy adoptees are indifferent, not angry."  However, many, many truly happy adoptees are just happy, not indifferent or angry.  I once made the statement that I thought "angry" was too strong a word, that maybe "frustrated" was a better word and was attacked for that, too, with a respondee assuring me that she indeed WAS angry.

Also, don't put words into my mouth.  I didn't say that I was indifferent to adoption, I am just indifferent to your anger, rage, and bitterness.  There is a BIG difference.

Answer 28

I am not upset that any one person is angry with their situation.  What upsets me is when an adoptee is angry at adoption in general, and assumes all adoption is something to be angry ABOUT.  

I am perfectly ok if an adoptee is angry about:  

1) Their biological parents

2) Their adoptive parents

3) Their adotion agency

4) The way they've been treated when trying to find records

That's fine with me.  Everyone has a right to be angry when things don't go well.  However, being angry a "life the universe and everything" reguarding adoption is just annoying.  It seems to not allow the existance of truly wonderful adoption experiences, claiming that somehow they're all just "not angry yet".  

For example, I had a really truly AWFUL experience being a high school teacher.  It is perfectly alright for me to be angry about the way I was treated as a teacher in general, it is alright for me to be angry about the things I experienced that seemed to tie my hands as an educator.  It would NOT be alright for me to be angry at all high school students.  It would not be alright for me to be angry at all principals.  It would be absolutely not alright for me to go around trying to talk people out of becomming high school teachers because of the way I was treated.  After all, we need someone who's willing to do the job.  

People get bothered by adoptees who shower their "anger" on adoption as a whole instead of confining it to the small relm them actually experienced.