Why are you so hateful about adoption?

Question

TO ALL THOSE THAT ARE ADOPTION HATERS (and you know who you are)....these days there is something called OPEN ADOPTION. This means that the child has an opportunity to be adopted while maintaining contact with his or hers birthparents. So the sealed records and not being able to know why your parents gave you up will eventually be a thing of the past. Most adoptive families (like myself) opt for the open adoption.....who wouldn't want more love in their adopted childs life. Then on the other hand...there are SO MANY birthmoms that may want nothing to do with their children, perhaps the birthmom is a homeless drug addict who is having her 6th child, perhaps she is in jail and having her 1st child, MAYBE she is 13 years old and was raped by her Uncle, and lastly, maybe the condom broke!!!! Whatever her circumstances, adoption may be what SHE WANTS for her child WITH OR WITHOUT any future contact with her child(ren).

Answer 1

I found my daughter when she was 29 (2001). I'm glad I found her. I don't think i would have been able to cope with an open adoption. My b-daughter has some issues with abandonment (her adoptive dad died). We have both had counseling. It has been helpful. I have a son, when she found that out she said good grief another brother, she has 1 adopted brother and 3 step brothers all older. She and my son have the same father and we eventually got married. Do I regret giving her up, you bet I do, am I glad she had a great adoptive family, of course, I'll be forever grateful. Her mother was angry when I found her and I understood that. I let my b-daughter make all the rules in the relationship. I know my place in her life. Friend.

Answer 2

I disagree with abortion for many reasons. And you would be surprised at how many couples don't want open adoptions. The want the child to be theres. I know I would.

I should clarify that I would adopt a child but I disagree with those who put there child up for adoption.

Answer 3

Sounds like you have no concern for the rights or needs of adoptees. You do understand that adoptees are human beings, right? Endowed by their Creator....and all that?

And you might want to check with some first mothers. They'll tell you that "open" adoption is just a hook to convince them to give up their children...that the instant the adoption is finalized, most adoptive parents say "see ya" and never let them have any contact whatsoever. The agreements are not legally binding. It's a cruel trick, not a solution.

Answer 4

I am not a hater! The best thing about being adopted(and I am) is not having been raised by the kind of person who would abandon her own child! I am also a single mother of a 13 month old.My life is harder now but to be so selfish as to give up my sweet little baby,who only realy needs love, I will never understand!

Answer 5

As someone said..... the SMALL group of anti-adoption people or "adoption haters" as you call them....have a LOUD voice but they are a small fish in a big pond.  Adoption can be a wonderful thing.  I am an adoptee and an adopted mom.  My very best friend relinquished a child and even though it was the hardest thing she ever did, she is happy that her child has had a great life and is a well adjusted kid.  She has gone on to have a family of her own and is an advocate for adoption (she even works for the Crisis Pregnancy Center part-time).  Don't let a small group of people make you think the majority of adoptees, adopted parents or birthparents feel that way.  



There is semi-open adoption too you know and this lets the aparents communicate with the birthparents via the agency.

Answer 6

WHY WOULD ANYONE BE AN ADOPTION HATER????

I WROTE A QUESTION AND MOST OF THE READERS THOUGHT I HAD AN ADOPTED CHILD AND I DON'T.

I WAS SPEAKING OF A RELATIVE WHO ADOPTED TWICE .

  ONE OF THE CHILDREN  WHO IS AN ADULT NOW HAS LIVED A LIFE OF REBELLION AND DRUGS AND HAS NO APPRECIATION FOR ALL HER ADOPTIVE PARENTS HAVE DONE FOR HER.

  SHE HAS MESSED UP HER OWN LIFE AND OTHER'S LIVES........EVEN TWO KIDS SHE DOESN'T SUPPORT OR TAKE CARE OF.  

SHE'S BEEN A LOUSY MOTHER ...  TAKES DRUGS AND HANGS AROUND WITH OTHER DRUGGIES.  

SHE WOULD LEAVE AND NO ONE WOULD EVEN KNOW WHERE SHE WAS FOR A COUPLE OF WEEKS---OVER AND OVER.

.   SHE KNEW GRANDPARENTS WOULD TAKE CARE OF HER KIDS.   IT HURTS HER CHILDREN TO WONDER WHERE THEIR MOM IS AND WHY SHE DOESN'T COME HOME.  

SO NOW, AFTER GOING TO COURT, THE GRANDPARENTS HAVE CUSTODY.   BUT , IN RETIREMENT,   GRANDPARENTS SHOULDN'T HAVE TO START OVER RAISING KIDS THROUGH HIGH SCHOOL.  

   HER ADOPTED PARENTS HAVE ALWAYS TRIED TO HELP HER ,  BUT OVER AND OVER  IT IS THE DAUGHTER WHO MESSES UP.  

   THAT DOESN'T MEAN WE ARE ADOPTION HATERS!  

  SHE HAS ALSO BEEN TO PRISON.......LIES, AND STEALS.      YEARS OF PROBLEMS.

Answer 7

you can blah blah blah..but coming from someone that waited till she was 36 to find her family..all of that is a load of c**p..adoption isnt great all the time...for some it may be..sometimes its taking you out of the frying pan straight to the pot...and sometimes there was someone who did want you and just wasnt given the chance from your family to take you...and sometimes its not about the kid at all sometimes its because adults are some selfish jerks who think for me a child would be great..only thing is sometimes people forget babies grow up and who wants to deal with a teen who wants to know who they are...the kid should come first..if they want to know tell them..its not about the adult or parent in the situation

Answer 8

Hi. I'm a first mom in a fully open adoption. My daughter is six years old; I relinquished her at birth.

I have to tell you, honestly, giving up my daughter was the worst mistake of my life. I was talked into it. I was 22 at the time, one year away from finishing college, with an A average, never did any drugs (nope, not even pot in highschool or anything), didn't drink... nothing like that. I come from a middle class family.

I am representative of the common demographic of relinquishing moms these days.

And you know? I severely regret my decision. Nope, no one held a gun to my head, but my decision was greatly influenced by the culture I grew up in, agency propaganda, and some pressuring things said by my family. Admitting I was influenced does not take anything away from me as a woman or person, either... pregnancy is a difficult time, and an crisis pregnancy especially so. Women ARE vulnerable in such times--that doesn't mean we're stupid or incompetent.

I have a good, open relationship with my daughter and her parents. However, my daughter still is not allowed to have her original birth certificate. How silly is this? Why should she not have her own birth certificate? Perhaps you think it's a moot point because she knows me and can ask me any questions she desires, but that will be for her to decide... it's ridiculous that she can't have that piece of paper like everyone else in America. It's a violation of her civil rights, IMO.

As for us first moms... it sounds like some people here have some grave misconceptions about what our journeys are often like. Once upon a time I would have agreed that adoption is a wonderful, beautiful thing. And it CAN be a good thing, if it's done in an ethical manner. Unfortunately, domestic infant adoption is often more about finding babies for adoptive parents, rather than finding homes for babies who really need them.

As a result of being pressured and subsequently placing my daughter, I now have symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder, and two years ago nearly successfully killed myself. Since then I've learned to cope, and I know now that I'm a stronger person for having gone through the relinquishment and continuing to go through life post-relinquishment. But it's still hard. I still have an empty, missing space in my heart, every moment of every day.

The agency told me I would grieve her loss and move on. I have tried, but it's simply impossible... there is no "moving on," there is only "living with." My adoption loss robbed my sister of her first niece, my parents of their first grandchild, myself of my first born child, and my (parented) daughter of her sister. And the losses don't stop... they accumulate as time goes on, as my firstborn grows older and I miss more and more of her life.

Do I hate adoption? No. My husband and I discuss adopting from foster care, in the future, in fact.

But I do hate unnecessary adoption. And there ARE unnecessary adoptions, yes, even in this day and age.

Please take the time to read some first mom blogs. I'm linking mine... and there are many more links from there. Read about our journeys. Perhaps you'll see why not all of us love adoption.

Answer 9

I AM NOT AN ADOPTION HATER, BUT I HAVE TO SAY THAT THERE ARE CASES WHERE CHILDREN ARE MISTREATED.  THEIR LIVES ARE LIVING h**l; THEY WERE BETTER OFF WITH THEIR BIOLOGICAL PARENTS EVEN IF THEY WERE POOR.

Answer 10

i feel you and totally understand you i would love to adopt but from what i see now my boyfriend wants kids of his own i dont know why its so important for men to have kids of their own when there is so many kids that dont have a family  i love to adopt but i guess its not in my hands !!!!!!

but i totally understand you and i will give you a star!!!!!!!

Answer 11

my first child was adopted, it was something I got talked into and wasn't what I wanted, but it is open, she knows who I am, she is excited when I come to visit, she shows me all the neat new things she has learnt and she was even my flower girl at my wedding. I now have a baby of my own and my first daughter is ecstatic - she even brought her photos of her "little sister" to show and tell. I think I would regret my adoption choice (not really a choice) a lot more if I couldn't see her and get to know her because hs is the most wonderful little girl.

Answer 12

I'm not sure I'm hateful about adoption.  I really don't think that most people are going to vie for open adoption.  Do you remember that case last year of a highly educated woman who adopted out her twins.  It was an open adoption & she had visitation.  She kidnapped her twins & took them to Canada.  In a case like that I say give the woman back her babies she obviously made a mistake.  

I think with sealed records there's no mistake.  If someone wants records sealed I think they should be up until the ADOPTEE reaches age 18!!!! Then I think the adoptee should bloody well receive the information.

To the people who don't understand the anger involved in adoption let me break it down like this.  Do you know what it's like to know that you have siblings but have no idea where they are?  Do you know what it's like to wonder every day if my "mother" is alive or dead or does she care if I'm alive or dead?  The scars are with you a lifetime.  Do you know what it's like to have been adopted into a family with a mentally ill person & an alcoholic?  They looked good on the outside but scratch the surface and it all stinks underneath.  

I know that most people didn't have wonderful childhoods but to pretend that adoption is "better" is pure c**p!  My life is better in some ways & sheer h**l in others.

Answer 13

Adoption is a beautiful thing.  The only thing better is open adoption.

Answer 14

I agree that it is sad to see so many YA responders being so hateful in response to posts about adoption.  

For most birth mothers, it is a very difficult and painful decision to place their child for adoption.  Usually, this decision does come from love and wanting the best for their child.  Even if it seems that a child is being placed for selfish reasons (I think this is fairly UNCOMMON), it's still better for the child to be placed with a family that wants and is able to care for them.

Thank goodness that they DO allow their children a chance for a happy and healthy future!

Answer 15

I am an adoption hater and it's because i'm adopted.

I'm sure everyones story is different but my life personally has been a nightmare that i can't seem to wake up from. why would i want that for someone else? not to mention most of the adoption haters on here are mostly adoptees.

so what open adoption. so some kids get to keep contact with their birth parents. it might be better for them but it won't apply to everyone and just because it exists doesn't mean that closed adoptions will be a thing of the past. so we are were we are. life is what it is. i will always be against adoption.

people feel like you should be greatful and be happy you got a home at all no matter what the circumstances are. try living the lives that some of us have.  many will see why we feel the way we do. go to an adult adoptee site and read the things that we go through day to day and then you will see why some of us hate adoption. it's easier to speak about something that you are speaking about from the outside in. it's sufficating sometimes looking at it from the inside out.

Answer 16

I am a birthmother who gave my child up for adoption in an extremely open adoption.  I am very close to the family, as if they were my own.  I couldn't have it any other way, in my situation.  I am so happy that you are sticking up for us.  It is not an easy decision and everyone is different.  I don't think that anyone should judge adoption until they have somehow been personally involved.  Thanks for your support!

Answer 17

I'm adopted and I'm actually kinda on the fence about whether "open adoptions" are a good idea.  I think they may cause more confusion and mixed feelings.  A closed adoption is a clean break - no blurred lines about who the REAL parent really is, etc.  

Of course, if you were adopted into a horrible family, then I could see how closed adoption would p**s you off.

I was adopted as an infant by a wonderful family.  Am I curious about the people that gave me up?  Sure, but I'm kinda glad that my adoption was a closed one.  Contacting birthparents can open a gigantic can of worms which can never be un-done.

Answer 18

Did I miss something??  I don't usually see alot of negativity on this site, except for occasional bored, iliterate tweens.  

I need to correct some of your comments:  I have worked with near 1000 birthmothers over the years, and have met only a handful of those I could say did not "want anything to do with their children".  And it in no way was influenced by homelessness, drugs, having other children, being 13, being raped, or being in jail.

But I would like to add that I am always weary when those of us in adoption (adoption agency staff or adoptive parents) are looked at sometimes as "baby snatchers"!

With extremely rare exceptions, no one forces birthmothers to call an agency, or place a baby for adoption.  Birthmothers come to this decision on their own, then call an agency and select a family.  We as adoptive parents or adoption workers do not go out into the streets or hospitals soliciting for women to place their baby for adoption.  (With the exception of some crass people who come online here and solicit!)

I think by taking the attitude that birthmothers are to be pitied, because they were coerced or tricked or forced into adoption, discredits birthmothers.  It categorizes them as someone incapable of making a decision for herself.  I think some people just cannot accept that someone can make this decision of her own freewill, so they victimize her in their minds in order to accept it.  

I respect the majority of birthmothers I have worked with.  They are strong, capable women who truly want the best they can possibly think of for their child.  And some do not want to parent.  Period.  The choice they have made is to be respected, no matter what the reason.

Answer 19

I would like to know that myself.  I suppose these are the same twisted minded people that think murdering the baby in the womb is ok, but giving the baby life through adoption isn't.  Sick world isn't it!

Answer 20

i acctually admire women who give their babies up for addoption.  think about it.  they got pregnant when they weren't supposed to or not financially stable or what have you, and most women would choose abrotion...but these parents acctually go through with the pregnancy and then find a stable two parent home for them.

Answer 21

i am adopted and on the topic of open adoptions, i am glad that i don't know any more than the basic circumstances of my birth parents because  the way i see  it my adoptive parents are my only parents, they raised me and if my birth family had been involved also it would probably have been very confusing growing up with 4 parents. on the topic of people against adoption i cant figure out why anyone would  think  that adopted kids don't deserve a chance at life just because we may have been born into a family that for some reason cant care for a baby or isn't ready for that responsibility. i am incredibly thankful that my biological family decided to put me up for adoption instead of  choosing abortion or raising me in a bad situation.

Answer 22

I wasn't aware that there were "adoption haters."  That's silly.  Adoption is a wonderful option for people who cannot/are not ready to raise children.

Answer 23

I think  they are a small minority of folks in the adoption community.  Small but loud.  The majority of people I know and correspond with that are touched by adoption are not opposed to adoption although some are reformists which is something totally different than the people you speak of in this post.  I think you need to consider where you are coming into contact with the anti adoption crowd.

TAO is an adoption forum I participate on that is welcoming of anyone touched by adoption but they moderate the anti adoption missives.  There are BioMoms and Adopted adults who may have issues with their experience but they are all respectful of each other and don't criticize or bash adoption or any particular adoption triad perspective.

If you want to discuss adoption or find out information I suggest going to a place where you are encouraged to discuss the topic without having to endure the militant anti adoption folks.  TAO is good for that.  http://www.taoforumnetwork.com

It's for BioMothers, Adopted Adults, Fostered Adults, and Adoptive Parents.