Why aren't adoptive parents the ones searching for the first mothers to say thank you?

Question

if someone gave me the one thing that i could never have more than anything else, wouldn't it seem that they would be lining up at the adoption agency to find these women and say "thank you"?

i know that families who donate their deceased loved ones organs to save the lives of others get at least that.

Answer 1

My adoptive mom has thanked my firstmom too.  So has my adoptive aunt.

I guess it could be a nice gesture. But it does seem a bit odd to say to someone.

As an adoptee, I'm personally a little uncomfortable with this myself.

Answer 2

My adoptive mother very much wanted to have the opportunity to thank my natural mother for the chance to raise me. Unfortunately she passed away when I was 14 and didn't have that chance. My adoptive father, however, has a very good relationship with my natural mom and has thanked her on numerous occasions. My family is very open about adoption, thankfully.

Answer 3

Yeah, you'd think.

Some of them are that way.

But all too many have an entitlement /owership mentality.  

It's tough to pretend it's your kid when you acknowledge the child has another mother.

The ones who do it are selfless.  Rare birds.

Answer 4

I really don't know how to answer this question. um, maybe because they don;t have a need to. i mean they got the child and have started a life with them. to some the fact that the birth mother gave the child up is all the care to know or need to know. it's basically us adoptees that want to find our birth families. for the reason we have a longing for biological connection. they need to see where we came from. the need to have answers to questions. this is a need that some adoptive parents even the most understanding cannot understand or feel.

Answer 5

i think it would be hard on the biological mother to see the new parents. thats why a lot of times the adopted parents dont know much about the biological parents and visa versa. so no one tries to take the babys back

Answer 6

I have to say that I think this is a bit of a silly question.  In cases of open-adoption, the adoptive parents are usually very thankful to the birth mother during and after the pregnancy.  

However, in non-open adoption cases, espescially in those that involve older children, there is usually a GOOD reason not to contact the birth parents.  Either the birth parents want to be anonymous, in which case I don't think the "mother" would appreciate being tracked down just to be "thanked", or the original "parents" weren't very good people.  

I know that if my parents had had access to my brothers' biological parents while I was a child I would have figured things out too.  (I figured out my brothers' birth mom's name without any help.)  If I had had this information before I was emotionally mature, I'm afraid I may have done something stupid - like try to kill them.  (I probably couldn't REALLY have done this, but I'm pretty sure I would have been very tempted.)  I think that some adoptive parents may also not be emotionally strong enough to meet someone who hurt their baby.  Can you imagine adopting a child, having to watch this baby you love suffer from abuse forced on them by the biological "mom" or "dad".

In these cases, I think the fact that the adoptive parents don't have access to the "firstmom" is a very VERY good thing.  Watching your baby go into a seizure from drug induced natal trauma could drive some people to do unwise things.

Answer 7

Often times organ donation is anonymous so sometimes people who receive do not meet the family of the person that donated, sometimes even the person themselves in the case of kidney, part of a lung, bone marrow where the donor doesn’t have to be deceased.

I’m sure some birthmothers wouldn’t want to be contacted.

I think that raising the child well, loving him or her. Is thanks in itself. Some parents may say a pray for their child’s birthparents “Lord take care of “Bobby's” birthparents, watch over them.” Etc.

Answer 8

I did say thank you to the birth parents of my child on the day I left the hospital with my babies and every few months when I send pictures and progress notes letting them now how they are doing. Most of all I thank God for giving me the chance to be a mom.

Answer 9

First of all, issues like the one you just described can get very emotional for all sides involved.  I am answering your question from the view point of an adoptive parent.  I also adopted out of the "hard to place" catagory meaning a sibling group and were older than grade school age.

We I went through the introduction to adoption classes, the instructors  -  some from the Texas Department of Human Services and some from volunteer groups  -- let us know in fairly blunt terms that children in their custody were there for a reason and it was usually a bad reason such as parental drug use, abandonment, or some other reason that impaired the parents child rearing ability.

In my own case, I kept track of where the birth family was but I didn't tell my adoptive children about this until the younger child was 18.  I told the children about their mother and father.  They didn't really have much interest in finding their birth father but both girls wanted to meet their birth mother.  It didn't work out real well.  One of my adoptive daughters actually went to live with her birth mother for several months and the other daughter drove to her birth mothers home town and spent two or three days.

It just didn't work out.  The birth mother had emotional issues and was thought (but never diagnosed) to have some mental illness.  She seemed nice enough but their was just too much missing.  

It has been quite a few years since either girl has contacted their birth mother and in fact, I believe that they have lost track of her.  Neither of the girls had a really good recollection of their birth mother from their early childhood.  When they met, there were high expectations but there was just no chemistry.  The bonds were just not there.

I wish I could tell you that those scenes on TV where the mother and lost daughter are reunited are real.  And sometimes things do work out.  

But the reality that I experienced is that the birth mother was not able to carry on an emotionally mature mother-daughter relationship.  It's so sad.  I wish things could have been different and that old emotional scars could have been healed.  But, no scars were healed, no emotional bonds were really created, it just didn't work out.  Except for satisfying a curosity about knowing who their birth mother was, it was a somewhat negative experience.  

I suppose that I would have answered this question differently if I had adopted a new-born from a poverty stricken teenager who could not raise a child and she allowed another couple to provide that nurturing for her child.

It's really hard to explain the devastation that abondoning a child does.  But that's what happened to the girls I adopted and I still see the effects.  So, from my standpoint, I guess that I would not be lining up to say "thank you".  

Reality really sucks.

Answer 10

Well I guess it's mutual thank you from both parties, the adoptive parents cared for the child and the mother well had it for them. Alot of kids are put up for adoption because the mother can't take care of them, how would it sound if you said "Well thanks for letting me raise this kid, when you couldn't".  As for surrogant mothers I think giving the child a loving, caring home is thank you enough.

Answer 11

maybe a condition of adoption was that they wouldn't contact the birth mother.

and they're honoring that promise.

Answer 12

Sorry, I personally would find it hard to believe that a woman who's gone through nine months of pregnancy and given up her child is going to want to see the people who are now that child's parents, so they can tell her, "Thanks for the kid!  You've made OUR lives complete, good luck with yours."  That's not exactly doing her a favor.

Answer 13

You know, I think there is a whole lot of overgeneralization about the behavior, motives, feelings, and thoughts of each  of the "adoption triad" on this group.  Birth mothers don't like to be labeled abandoners, whores, etc. and of course the labels are rarely fitting.  Well, adoptive parents don't all deserve to be labeled ungrateful, selfish, unaware or uncaring about their child's adoption related needs, etc.

Answer 14

I agree as an adoptive parent I had that same feeling and I did just that I found her and she was very grateful to know how the baby was doing. She was able to share with some details that I would not have ever had access to. (medical, family) I don't harbor any ill feelings for her, she did the best she could as a young mother. I will try to maintain some type of relationship with so that if my daughter ever wants to meet her- then I will know where to find her.