Why can't I make my kid listen to me without having to be mean?

Question

Long story short, I had my 8 year old daughter move in with me. She is strong will, and will not listen to anything I ask her to do...even if I am repeatedly saying "No....no....NO!!!...I said NO!!!" Even the simplest things--if she asks for a cookie and I tell her to take only 1, I'll go and find 5 gone...then she'll lie and say "You said I could take 5!" like I have the word STUPID tattooed on my forehead.

I finally lost it one night, slammed my fist on the counter, and screamed for her to knock off what she was doing that was bothering me or I'd ground her for a week--and for the first time, she obeyed, and started obeying for several days after that--even saying "Yes, sir" and asking for permission to do things!

But you know what? I'm 25, I want to have a relationship where we are like buddies, not a Big Boss Daddy that barks all the orders!

How do I make her listen without having to scream and make threats--how do I make her just WANT to obey me out of courtesy?

Answer 1

My youngest is the exact same way!!!! He and I will "battle" and as long as I "win" he has the utmost respect for me.  Having strong willed kids is a tough road to travel. What I try my best to do is stay calm and don't let him win.  What she is doing is seeing how far she can push you before you break.  She needs and thrives on boundaries.  If you try to be her friend she will not respect you. There is a book called "The Strong Willed Child" By Dr James Dobson.  I would check into it.

Answer 2

I suggest you reward her when she is respecting you. When she tells the truth and takes only 1 cookie (for example) let her have another 1 after dinner. THings like that. Rewarding helps so much. Punish her when she lies or doesn't respect her. If she lies about the cookies, send her to her room and have her tell you (after about 10-20 minutes) what she did wrong. Make sure she knows, or else she will do it again. I hope your relationship works out. Don't worry, it WILL get better!

Answer 3

you're 25? d**n. she's lucky, you're still young. Although sometimes that's the reason. I guess she's your first child, and that's harrassing, my parents always fight with my eldest sister. Theyre conservative though and I have like, zero guy friends. That's okay with me now cause i only like celebrities but im pretty sure in a few years i'll get pissed off about it a lot. Everytime you feel like screaming at her close your eyes and count to ten. It's a kiddy trick but it works. Then look at her and ask her to stop it quietly and calmly. It is quite scary when your dad yells at you, i've seen him get mad at my sisters.

Answer 4

It is almost impossible to be the parent and friend especially when they are young. Be the boss when she gets that you are boss make time to be friends go out for fun as friends. Only after she learns that you are boss. the best advice I can give you is to follow through with punishment if needed. Dont say it and not do it you will never get her respect if you are not boss.

Answer 5

You are NOT her buddy.

You are the parent.

You dont have to yell

You just have to mean it.

Next time you find 5 cookies gone when you said one -- punish her. Take away something she likes - the TV or the computer.

She has lot's of friends I am sure - she doesnt need more of them -- she needs a Father not a friend.

Answer 6

First you need to apologize and tell her that you are sorry for losing your cool the other night.  You need to tell her that she is the child and you are the adult and when you tell her things it is for her best interest.  Tell her that you don't like having to yell and if she listens the first time you won't have to yell or use your DEEP MANLY VOICE.

Answer 7

You have to be the parent FIRST in this situation.  Since you're stepping into a role that was already established by someone else, you can't expect her to automatically offer you respect and obedience because you're the one in charge now.  

She needs to have the rules and expectations clearly outlined for her, and she needs to understand that if she doesn't follow them, that there will be consequences.  She's only 8, but that is old enough to understand classroom rules, so outline them like that.  Don't make a threat if you can't carry through with it, and if she disobeys, FOLLOW THROUGH!  

Spending a couple of days in and out of the corner, or a weekend grounded from her bike/TV/videogames/whatever she likes will help her get that you mean business.  You can still be a fun parent, but your primary goal is to PARENT, not be her friend.  Friends don't care about responsibiliites, and friends bail when times get tough.  Ask other parents (including the previous person in charge, if that's an option) for advice, take parenting classes, read books and magazines, etc. to get good ideas on what kind of approach to take if you're not sure.  

Additionally, consider talking with her pediatrician about the lying issue...it needs to be addressed firmly NOW...I have dealt with this with both of my girls and finally it sank through with my 12 year old and she doesn't bother lying now...my 8 year old however, sounds JUST like your daughter, and was recently diagnosed with ADHD.  Don't rule out the possibility that your daughter may have other issues that affect her ability to follow directions, be truthful, and understand consequences.  If you find out that's the case, you're in a whole other ballgame!

Answer 8

time out.. every time she acts up she gets 10 mins. don't scream or raise your voice, say "corner" and let it go..

Answer 9

It's better to be a parent instead of a friend. You don't have to be a dictator. Just be firm with her. Lay down the law!

Answer 10

Simple. Instead of yelling, or spanking my kid gets excercise as a punishment..works great and they never  get to far out of line or else. after the first couple times of doing pushups(until i told them to get up) or wall sits they stop immeidalty if they even think they are in trouble. I Even give them some good cardio to do as well such as run in place...its not a light punishment...they go till they sweat.. Maybe its because im military but I prefer it over yelling and hitting. Try it out...youll have to be assertive and may have to raise your voice the first couple times...but she will see that dad aint messing around

Answer 11

Obviously, your daughter did not grow up with you, this might explain her indifference towards you. Based on my experience as a mom and coming from my daughter's mouth, it's alright to be tough at times, just to show her who's the boss in the house but be sure to sit down together and explain to her what made you mad and what cut your string, that it's her attitude that made you mad and not her as a person, that you're mad at her because you love and you care about her. Stoop down to her level and look at her straight in the eyes if ever you need to reprimand her. Try to spend more time with her. Acknowledge every little thing she does and try to learn a game which the two of you could play. From there, gradually change your approach from a Big Boss Daddy to a buddy. Good luck.

Answer 12

Just let her know that you dont' want to have to scream at her to listen to you and that things would be alot more fun if she would listen the first time instead of having you yell at her

Answer 13

talk to her in a kind but firm way

Answer 14

They are testy at 5, Well... with her seeing you getting angry was the break in the ice, don't worry, she's not scared of you, she realizes she is the one to make you angry and she is feeling apologetic. Set the rules with her and explain that it's easy for the both of you to follow the rules. If she does follow the rules, reward her at the end of the week. Take her out for ice cream. Then the next, let her pick out a movie. change her rewards every weekend so she doesn't get bored with the same reward. Good luck, you only reacted what every parent would do.

Answer 15

Constant training and setting examples.  She's already getting on in her child hood, so you have your work cut out for you.  If you let it go too far, she'll pretty much write you off as a father by the time she's 13.

You don't wait until she's disobeying you.  You train her for these situations before hand.

And if things like cookies are causing disruptions, get them out of the house.

Answer 16

You can't be her buddy and her mother because you have to set reasonable limits and follow through and buddies don't do that. But with a lot of work, you can get to where you want to be. But it's a lot of work and it never ends.

I would run to the book store and get "How to talk to your kids so your kids will listen and listen so your kids will talk". It's a great book that will cover a lot of what you want to accomplish.

Try using 'when you then you'. When you finish cleaning up your room, then you can go outside. About the cookies, I'd give her the benefit of the doubt - kids don't hear half of what you say - I wouldn't take it too personally. Try to say most things as matter of factly as you can. Listen really well when your daughter talks, this alone will make your relationship very strong. Think of a time when you felt like someone only gave you half their attention - that's what kids get most of the time.

Good luck - I wish you the best.

Answer 17

just talk to her and tell her u r sorry for yelling but tell her she needs to listen to you so u wont have to yell. maybe have a day that u guys go out and have fun to let her know that she doesnt have to be scared

hope this helps:)

Answer 18

Dear BuddyDaddy

She has no respect for you.  Why?  Because you're trying to be her friend instead of an authority figure.  The way to earn respect is not to be her buddy....you have to actually be her PARENT!

Being an authoritative figure doesn't mean screaming and yelling either - like you may think.

It means setting rules, boundaries, consequenses, being firm, and consistent.  For example, She asks for one cookie but takes five, guess what....NO MORE COOKIES or any treats for a period of time.  (It's a good idea to keep cookies and things of that sort out of reach by the way...that'll end all confusion).

Believe it or not, children actually WANT structure in their lives.

If you're only trying to be her "buddy", maybe you're not quite ready for the responsibility of having custody of a child yet.

Children need PARENTS, not more buddies....they can find those on the playground.

Answer 19

you should sit her down and talk to her like an adult. tell her what you think about her attitude in a calm manner have her answer your questions let her know who the parent is show her who the adult is and stick to what you say cause they love to throw that back at you when you mess us. but when all is said and done give her a hug and a kiss and tell her that you love her because they need that more than any thing. you should also see whats going on in her mind as well.