Why can't my best friend understand my choice of becoming a vegan?

Question

I told her and she was like Oh my god, I can't believe you. I can't be friends with you anymore. I'm calling my mom to come pick me up.. and stuff like that. I wasn't sure if she was serious or not, we kept our plans and she stayed, but never once did she laugh or anything. Then I was looking at food to make sure there weren't any eggs in it and she asked me what's wrong with eggs, I explained that it comes from a chicken and she gave me attitude. She knows I'm a vegetarian, but not that I will become a vegan very soon. I just wanted to stop eating meat first and then become a vegan. She's being a jerk and not understanding that it is my decision... I don't understand what the big deal is to her. To add to that, I made my final decision after reading a book and learned about all the animal abuse and how we don't actually need milk and all the hormones in it. We've been friends for a few years and we've never been in any fight so I don't want to start one... what am I supposed to do?

Answer 1

I think this is part of the problem right here:

"Then I was looking at food to make sure there weren't any eggs in it"

Your food choices are certainly your own business, but I can say, from having been on both sides of similar situations, that the... shall we say, "newly converted" tend to be a bit offputting in their zeal.  

To put a completely ridiculous spin on it and look at it from the other side, let's say that your friend decided that she was not going to listen to any songs that contained words with the letters Q, Z, or R in them.  So, the next time you get together to hang out, instead of relaxing with some tunes, you sit there kind of bored while she looks up the lyrics to everything on y'all's playlists to make sure there are no Q, Z, or R words.  You'd be kind of bored and irritated, right? Because, hey, she's always listened to words with those letters before, so why the sudden need to change?  To you, it might seem silly - you might be willing to go along with it at first, but then when it starts to affect the time that you can spend together - when instead of hanging out she's examining song lyrics for random letters, and all of a sudden *YOU* don't get to enjoy certain songs just because *SHE* won't listen to them - suddenly she's not so much fun to hang around with anymore, and you might feel like her sudden (and, in your eyes, pointless) obsession with these letters is more important to her than YOU are.  

Now, twist all that back around, and you might be able to see her perspective on it... you've been eating meat and animal products in the past, so hey, why the sudden need to change? And then here's this time that you were going to be hanging out together and instead, you're scouring labels looking to see if eggs are in the ingredients... yawn.  And hey, what if she wants to go get a burger, where are you going to be? You won't eat meat, so she'll have to go by herself.  Suddenly you're more interested in food labels than in her company; spending time with her takes second place to your new-found food decisions.  Can you see where she might feel that way, even if you don't think it's true or fair?

Your decision is important to you, but I'm guessing that to her, it seems pretty random and faddish - just as the letters-in-lyrics thing would seem random, bizarre, and pointless to you.  

You say she knows other people who are vegetarian/vegan; what are her relationships with them like? Did she get to know them before or after they made their dietary commitments?  Do they spend a lot of time talking about how evil it is to eat meat and blah blah hormones blah?  It seems to me that her experiences have shown her that vegetarians/vegans are unpleasant to be around, or become obsessed during their conversion phase, and that's why she was so upset when you - her best friend - announced your decision.

Answer 2

Your friend sounds EXACTLY like my best friend.  When I first when vegetarian she said "Okay, I can deal with it, but if you ever become a vegan we can't be friends."  I actually worried that she was serious, and when I decided to go vegan I was really quiet about it.  If we had bagels and she asked why I didn't have cream cheese, I'd be vague and say I didn't feel like cream cheese.  Eventually, when the truth came out she said "I don't think I can talk to you anymore," but not surprisingly, she did not act on it at all.  

The important thing is to stay you.  There is a difference between making a personal dietary choice and turning into a vegan proselytizer.  As long as you're the same fun person she was friends with before, she'll still want your company.  My friend still teases me about being vegan, but I just tease her back for other things, and it's all in good fun.

Answer 3

She just doesnt understand. To her, eating all that is just apart of life.

Its hard for people to understand when you make a change like that.. its like a kid telling his parents he's atheist or such.

When its against your beliefes.. you tend to think its wrong.

Eventually she'll realize that this is how you are and she'll get used to it. If not, then she was never there for you to begin with.

Answer 4

Just be careful what you say around her. She might worry that you're going to start judging her because she eats meat/dairy/eggs. Be sure she knows that you're totally cool with her choices, you're just making different ones. It's a tough change for a lot of people... you used to be able to share food at restaurants, now you can't. You used to have no worries whatsoever about what you'd feed them when they came over, now you have to do planning, blah blah blah.

Basically, just don't eat what you don't want to, but do your best to show that you're fine with her eating what she wants to.  

Answer 5

I went through a similar situation at the end of last year when I turned vegan. One of my friends was fine with it, but another friend exploded at me. She was yelling "omg, you CANNOT do this to me!!!" When I inquired about how this affected her, she didn't have an answer. But funnily enough, a few days later she was totally fine with it. She even gave me some food ideas, and soy ice cream (her sister's lactose intolerant). I think you'll find that it's just the initial shock of someone turning vegan. I'm sure your friend will get used to it. Whatever you do, don't mention why you're vegan to her though, because people tend to think that your preachy and annoying when you do that

Answer 6

Your friends sounds like a dumby, I would go looking for new ones. Good luck.  

Answer 7

My father is a hunter, I have been vegetarian for about two years and he still is quite bitter about my decision. In order for him to change requires a shift in his entire mindset, which I believe is why it is so difficult for others (including you friend) to understand.  The other aspect of her attitude is that there are still so many stereotypes. She may think you have dreams of dancing atop the Burger King in a cow suit screaming, "meat is murder!". Keep a level head and present the facts clearly and without judgment. She may not agree, but if she's a good friend she will listen and respect you choice.  

Answer 8

I have to disagree in part with 'kiss me i'm vegan's answer. I think the worse thing you could do is try to explain in detail about your choice. Your friend has made it clear that she is opposed to the idea, and talking her ear off about it is only going to upset her and push her farther away.

I have been a vegetarian for 17 years and I gave up dairy 4 days ago as an experiment. When I mentioned it to my sister, who is not vegetarian, she was a little upset and said she thinks I am too extreme with my dietary choices. It upsets me that that is the common perception of vegetarians and vegans, but that is sadly a part of this choice you have to live with.

After 17 years I still get teased by friends and family. I NEVER preach about it, and rarely share my thoughts unless outright asked. Usually I tell people that what I eat is my own issue and the difficulties I face are mine to deal with, not theirs.

When I go to people's houses for meals, BBQ's, parties, etc. I almost always come with my own food. I never expect others to modify their eating habits or meal plans to suit me and I am responsible for my own meals.

Many people are very against vegetarian/veganism. I think that it is because it threatens their own choices and makes them feel as if you are judging them.

If your friend is a true friend, she will learn to be ok with your choice. She might not embrace it, may never understand it, and she may disagree with you forever about it, but what you eat, and do not eat, should not effect her feelings for you if she truly likes you as a person. If it does effect her friendship, then it is possible the friendship is not as strong as you had thought.

I think your best bet is to keep all talk about it to a minimum and try to show her that your choice is not going to effect you as a person or as her friend. DO NOT preach to her or give her a ton of advice or information that she does not want. Many people reject this information because it basically tells them everything they do is wrong. People do not want to hear that.

You are going to face negativity and nasty comments and people trying to convince you are you wrong for your choices all throughout your life. As a 17 year vegetarian I STILL face criticism from friends, family, and strangers!

The most important thing for me is that I am living with my own choices and I am very happy about that. I never feel bad about making these decisions and I let others opinions roll off my back.

One last word, true friends will love you for who you are and the choices that you make. Please don't let others criticisms deter you from what really matters. Always be true to yourself and you will find and keep the friends that love you for who you are.

BEST OF LUCK!!

Answer 9

I was in the same boat as you about a few months ago when I made the transition from vegetarian to vegan. I am seventeen and was vegetarian for 6 weeks before making up my mind on going vegan... and before then, whilst I was omnivorous I was very narrowminded as to why people would just voluntarily give up chocolate, chicken and cheese. I couldn't understand it and the idea really confused me.

It wasn't until I collated information from reading, videos, websites and things on the internet and documentations that captured the horrible truth behind factory farming and animals used for animal by-products. It was then, and right then, that gave me the urge and push to go vegan.

My best friend is completely designer - and I was like that too. I adored fashion names such as Gucci, Chanel, and Versace; but like I stated earlier... I was very naive on the subject of animal cruelty as it is so well hidden from the public's eye. My best friend, like yours, couldn't understand where I was coming from and refused to reason with me. I am no longer friends with her as she doesn't seem to understand nor respect or tolerate my beliefs or views (whoever said I was preaching to her?). She couldn't understand and refused to try basically... I tried telling her when she asked that eating meat and other animal products is just another way of violence, to me, and me not eating it is just my way of dealing with it. It's like a war and not wanting to contribute to it. Not wanting to take part in it. But she was completely intolerant of my views and thought I was being ridiculous.

If your friend has the patience to listen to you, tell her why you are a vegan. And really go into detail - tell her about the factory farmed animals and the dairy cows etc. Tell her how it makes you feel. She'll have to come around sooner or later, and if she doesn't - she wasn't a true friend anyway. So what are you losing?

I hope you have a better experience with your friend and hopefully it turns out better for the both of you in the long run. I know how hard it can be, but you've got to stay strong and try not to let the judgment and ridicule get to you. Stand up for your beliefs! There are plenty of other vegetarians and vegans here that would be cheering you on.

Good luck! And I think vegans rock!  

Answer 10

u may save cows but where do u get ur protein from haha MEAT EATERS FOREVER!

Answer 11

Aw, I'm so sorry. If your friend can't except your lifestyle, then I'd have to say you should break it off or just stay Aquantinces. I'm vegan to (I only eat chicken because I have a proetin/vitamin disease/problem) People wont understand... Just maybe give it a bit of time. Talk to her about it, It shouldn't OFFEND her WHAT so ever.. I don't even see why? How would that upset someone? People can be a bit immature.

If you ever need to talk email me here or at [e-mail]

Answer 12

Aww too bad. might as well drop her I say!

Answer 13

I'm going through the same type of situation myself. I can't for the life of me figure out why my friends seem so offended by my dietary decisions. I did my research and chose to Work on a path of going completely vegan. My friends and family have nothing positive to say about it. They just choose to rattle off the same c**p one after the other. "Where are you getting your protein? What about Calcium?" And all kinds of other nonsense ad naseum. If they had some the same research as I had, they would realize that there are a multitude of options that don't include animal products. Don't be so judgemental about where I get my nutrition!

Ask your friend why she is so offended by your choice. What you decide to put in your body should have no ill effect on how you rate as a best friend. Tell her that you don't expect her to make the same decision and won't push your new lifestyle on her. I, personally, don't preach my beliefs to my meat eating friends so why should they feel so inclined to preach theirs to me? I don't understand it myself. But I think she'll get over it. Once she realizes that its not that big of a deal, she'll probably not even notice after awhile.

Answer 14

She just does not understand it.  I would share the information you found with her so she might have an idea why you decided to become a vegan... She does not have to like it, it is your body and your choice... she will come around soon - good luck!

Answer 15

I bet they all have leather shoes too! I say, get a much better friend! so sorry for you!