Why cant my mother treat me like she does friends daughters?

Question

Im 28 and married with two kids. This thing with my mother has been on going since i could remember. Im never good enough and everything is my fault. Well a week ago out of the blue my mother calls me and starts yelling at me about my old babysitter who happend to be my mothers friends daugther (shes married with 3 kids) and how i owe her money and thats why i havent heard from the her. long story short i couldnt pay her and we had an agreement that i would come june and then around april she stopped calling me back answering her door and avoiding me. I tried for 2 to 3 months to ask her what i did and why she was ignoring me. So now back to my mothers phone call. I told my mother that i had tried to ask the babysitter what happened but she refused to contact me back so after a month or so i gave up and cut my losses. I dont even know what i owed her. My mother demands that i call the babysitter back and apologize and pay her. Well i blew up on mother!! HOw can she demand this of me when i tried for 2 months to get to the bottom of the problem. HOw can i be at fault for something i didnt know was my fault or why it was my fault. My mother told me that im selfish and that all her friends daughters seemed to have things right for themselves. Well that hurt so much i hung up and i havent spoken to her since. I will not send my boys down to her house because all she does is pump them for information and plays middle man with them. She even asked my sister if she talked to me and said to my sister "what does she have to ***** about today?" My mother has always been a manipulator (my dad and her were divorced when i was 2) SHe never uttered the words i love you to me after the divorce and i feel like i have to try and make up for who my father is. Am i crazy or mean for cutting off all ties with her? This isnt the first incident. When i walk into her house and my brother is there with his wife and my stepdad everything gets quiet and the subject seems to change. Im the one with a degree, im the one making it, why am i treated like the failure. My sister has been treated this way also and it has taken her yrs to finally talk to my mother once a month. (my sis and i have never lost contact). Frustrated!!! i need advise..........i cant keep trying to want my mother to love me and i dont want to deny my kids their grandmother.....so what to do?

Answer 1

I have a friend with a mother who is like that. The best thing for her has been to limit contact. She seems toxic and drags you down. The issue with your children. The question you should really ask yourself is do you want your children around someone that toxic. Even though you don't want to deny your kids a grandmother is she going to be a positive thing in their life? I think you are doing the right thing by cutting ties.  

Answer 2

i know that i am only fifteen, but i asked my mom about something similar to this once, but it was about the way one of my friends' mom treated them, my mom told me that some people have to try and make others that would normally look bad, look good, because they havent done anything worth gaining praise over.

So, ok...i am gonna try to explain it the way she did to me..

Sometimes you have people that are in your life that dont do as well as you, (like your babysitter, and maybe your brother) so some people have to try and make them look good...(your mom) while making others that have made good for themself look bad (you) so that everyone will be on an even field. and the other people dont think about how bad that makes you feel becasue they want everyone to be even.

I hope that i helped, i know it isnt much, but it made sense to me when my mom told me that/

Answer 3

The first thing you have to realize is that not all people are meant to be in our lives. Just because you were born into "her" life does not mean that she has to stay in  yours. The thins with you children not having a grandparent makes things a little harder so in order to let them have a relationship with her and still take care of your own sanity you have to let go of the desire to please her and you have to make it clear that she no longer has any power over you. Find a good support system of friends or other family members who can give you love and respect a fill that place that a mother seems to fill. Its ok if you decide you dont want to talk to her any more as long as you feel your choice serves you and your well being. It sounds to me like she is very unhappy with her self and she projects her failures and insecurities on to you and tries to point them out through other people, yet what no one has done im sure is point her down falls out to her. You have to just detach yourself and try to be honest with her about your decision to detach. I hope that helps and good luck!

Answer 4

♩ ♪ ♫ i know EXACTLY how you feel!!♥ ♩ ♪ ♫



My mom always does that,(but a little more subtle.) maybe they do things you don't, or were very helpful to your mother when you weren't. the truth is, its stupid what their doing. everyone is fine the way they are, and have different strengths. talk to you mom, i'm sure she'll understand.

(and if she doesnt rip her guts out!! MWUAH~ღ)

                  jk

♥∑ɯmÄ♥

Answer 5

sounds like your mother needs more help than you do. Don't know why she is that way but do like your sister has done and limit the contact. If she is pumping your kids for information, it's time to end the visits. That is harmful to them, she is putting them into the middle of things that they do NOT need to know about.

Since you tried to contact the sitter and she cut off contact with you, don't do anything. If she really wants to get what ever $$ you owe her, she can contact you herself. You can tell your mom that the sitter needs to contact you directly or you will not give her anything.

Stand your ground with your mom. Look after your precious kids and don't expose to her sick mind.