Why cant the birth parent (mother) just wait until they child wants to find them?

Question

We owe you nothing. I dont really care if you are hurting. You made the choice to give the child up . Deal with the fact that they may not want anything to do with you. So my question is why cant you let the child find you?

Answer 1

LOL isn't the same thing (in reverse) dicated to adoptees who want to search for their mothers!  geez we're told 'maybe she doesn't want to be found' and 'you shouldn't disrupt your  mother's life' etc etc

And if the mother searches she is told the same thing - outrageous.

Usually that 'child' is an adult when and if a mother finds them.

As adults we are capable of conducting our own affairs - yep, if we were adopted as kids!  really, it's true!

If an old boyfriend contacts me and I don't want to know, I can say so.

If any other adult contacts me and I don't want to know, I can say so.

It's called freedom of association and we actually live in a democracy (don't we?)

Grown-ups can handle their own grown-up relationships like, well, grown ups!

Answer 2

We live in a society where we enjoy free association.  Giving up a child means giving up the rights to PARENT that child.  It doesn't mean giving up all other societal rights.  Therefore, first parents have every right to search.

Further, giving one up for adoption does not constitute an absolute lack of caring.  Many people here will be the first to say that adoption is the "loving option" in cases where the first parents feel unequipped to give the child proper care.

Therefore, first parents have the right to search and make contact.  However, like all other citizens, they do not have the right to continue with unwanted contact.  

I understand that you did not wish to have contact.  However, many adopted persons feel quite differently about this issue.  I, for one, was quite happy to find out that my first father was searching for me.  We enjoy a fulfilling seven year relationship due to our reunion.  

Even so, your own personal preferences in this matter cannot override the societal rights of others to free association.  Without due process, this is a right that is not to be stripped from another individual.  Even restraining orders are not granted without cause.  An entire group of citizens, those who have relinquished a child, cannot be stripped of this right simply because some adopted persons don't prefer contact at all.  That places them in a penalizing position -- a position that is normally set aside for those who are known to be a threat to another individual -- without cause.

Again, the right to enjoy free association like all other free citizens was not a right that was relinquished by the first parents.  Only the right to parent was relinquished.

Answer 3

Hmm, here's another one of these questions, just like the earlier one "how do I get my bxxxxxxxxer to back off" (which is an exact duplicate of a question asked a while ago).

I think there are people here who want to scare off both mothers and their children....they have an agenda of closed records and opposition to reunion.

Answer 4

?????????????????????? ur writing is confusing i dnt know which side ur defending

Answer 5

Quite honestly, there is no excuse for a birth parent who searches. Registering is fine but if you search you demonstrate a complete lack of care and respect for your child.

Making an adoption plan is a lifetime commitment, you are not stashing your child with some poor fool who has decided to take her during the expensive years while you're out having a good time so that you can waltz in later as if nothing ever happened.

Human beings make adoptions plans. Human beings are adopted. Human beings make mistakes.

Some people just don't stop to think about the impact of a search on the other parties involved. It would be nice if every birth mother were mature and insightful but that is just never going to happen when human beings are involved.

But it most certainly doesn't mean that we have any obligation to pretend that their poor choice isn't selfish and inappropriate.

Answer 6

18 years of grief if adoption was illegal like my wifes. Chew on that pc of cud.

Answer 7

So how old are you and what have you told her about this? Did you tell her to check back in 5 years, or are you just assuming that being a birth mother means she can read your mind?

Answer 8

wow, most birth parents don't go searching for their kids. a lot of times (nowa days) people do open adoption and are involved in the child's life. and i think you need to be a little more sensitive, you don't know why the mother made that choice and you don't know how the child feels about it. grow up just because that's how you feel or you think doesn't mean everyone else feels that way.

Answer 9

um im kind of confused?

who are you defending?

Answer 10

The answer to that is simple: sometimes, during adoptions, parents give consent for their information to be barred from the child and their new family, meaning that the information cannot be handed over.  So, the majority of the time, of the birth parent wants to see the child or get in touch, it is all on their shoulders.

Answer 11

Your own personal issues shouldn't be used as a basis for ALL reunions.

Do you have any clue how many adoptees don't search for the very reason you have mentioned? "she gave me away so she can come looking" They may want to be found but fear disrupting her life, since we all "know" that first parents just move on like nothing happened.

I'm sorry that your own reunion has, obviously, left you hurting and angry but not all end that way. Some reunions are truly what is best for all involved. My first mom searched for and found me and I can honestly say that if she hadn't I would not be here typing this response. Without her in my life I had no meaning, no joy and no desire to go on. My mother saved me by searching end of story. Sorry yours didn't go well but many do. Most of the adoptees I know who have had negative reunions still say that the closure and whatever history they gained was worth it.

For you to think that your one bad experience outweighs any other experience is a bit extreme. Stopping first parents from searching will never stop your pain, it will never erase the events you have already lived through. You seem to be in need of someone to talk to about your own reunion fallout. Whatever the reasons or circumstance you have the right to your own emotions but please own them, they are yours not ours.

Answer 12

The birth parents know the family health history. That's the only important thing I can imagine they have to share with you. But someone who had to give a child up for adoption probably has been living with so much guilt it's unbearable. Of course they shouldn't expect to have a relationship with you now, but finding out about "family" health issues could prove to be valuable.  

Answer 13

[Deal with the fact that they may not want anything to do with you.]

I did. I convinced myself to think that they would not even remember who I was. I told myself that they could have died years ago. I braced myself for an Invalid Address stamp on a return envelope when I sent out an initial contact letter.

I was wrong.

They wanted to know me very much, they wanted to see me and hear me and communicate with me.

Your one bad experience does not cover us all. I am sorry that you are obviously hurting so much that you feel as if cutting down others here will make you feel better. We are not you. Our "birth" mothers are not your birth mother.

That said, I am truly sorry your mother rejected you. It must be an awful thing to have to face. You may say you do not care, but if you did not care, you would not be raging about it here on this forum and bashing the rest of us who are in reunion or who are searching. You would not be spitting such venom and generalizing all birth mothers.

No matter how much insulting you hurl at "birth" mothers here, they will never "become" your birth mother and they cannot remedy your situation nor can they create a time machine and make their own reunions "bad" just so you can feel better about yourself.

Answer 14

Good question.  It should be up to the child.

Answer 15

"You made the choice to give the child up "

Actually, this blanket statement is wrong in 80% to 98% of cases.  The mothers did not have a choice.  And this is exactly why many mothers search -- they loved their baby wanted to keep their baby, but were forced by various means to surrender their babies.  Often the mothers were minors and had as little choice in the matter as their babies did.

There is no choice if there is only one viable option given. The mother may encounter pressure such as:  "Surrender your baby because we won't let you keep her."  She may be denied access to the resources and support necessary to keep her baby, convinced she would be a bad mother and does not deserve to keep her baby, told she's not allowed to come home with that "b*****d child," her baby taken at birth before she is recovered enough to make any valid decision, or her signature forced while she's still medicated from the birth.  Incarceration by parents in maternity "homes" is also used on mothers.  And in light of this, with no support or valid means provided to keep her baby, there is no choice.  

If a mother does surrender an unloved and unwanted baby, i can understand that child's right to not be contacted.  But if a mother has been coerced into surrendering a baby she loves and wanted to keep, her rights being violated, then she should have the right to search for her child.

I searched for my son and found him when he was 19.  He is thankful I found him.  And yes, I am his mom and he calls me "Mom."  I support legislation enabling natural mothers to obtain the adoptive names of the child they lost to adoption so they can search for them as I did.

I never "chose adoption".  My son was loved and I was a fit mother.  My only crime was being 17 and unwed.  Your natural mother may not have had any more of a choice either.

"Did you want to keep your baby?" is the defining question.  If she wanted to keep you, and didn't, then i would look at what factors made her feel forced to surrender you.

Answer 16

I dont know......... maybe the think that the child deserves to see their parents... But I do think it should be up to the child to decide if they want to see their real parents or not since the parents hurt the child by leaving them....

Answer 17

sometimes people make decisions they later regret

although it seems like you want the birth parents to have nothing to do with your adopted child

so out of respect they should leave you alone and just accepe the fact

Answer 18

As an adoptive parent, I truely honor and applaud the birth-mothers of my two children.  They didn't "give them up", but rather gave a gift of a solid stable family to our children that they were not able to provide.  

As for your resistance to any contact with them, can any of us really have too many people love us?  We have open relationships with both of our childrens' birth mothers and our children have known and loved them as part of our family ever since they can remember.  

Answer 19

So heres a couple differences in opinion that we share.

Not all mothers, chose to surrender their children to adoption. If you don't believe me, read Georgia Tann The Baby Thief. Google "Baby scoop era"

second, searching is up to anyone, but there isn't any type of right to a reunion. If you have asked your mother who surrendered you to adoption, to stay away, or that you don't want a relationship with her, she should honor and respect that, as hard and devastating as it may be.

Answer 20

WOW - you have a lot of anger inside.

Perhaps you should see someone about that.

Answer 21

Why shouldn't FPs be allowed to maintain relationships with the children they love from the start? Unless there is abuse or neglect present, I believe it is hurtful to keep a child from someone who cares about them. I think it would prevent a lot of cases like yours.

However, I also repect that the people IN the relationship have the right to decide whether they wish to continue to maintain it when they are old enough to decide for themselves. Your Fist Mother should respect you and allow you to decide how you feel. (Although you sound pretty hurt and hateful - which may be justified but I do think you should work on how you feel about it.) You should try to have a little respect for her too - respect works both ways...

Answer 22

humans aren't perfect. they make mistakes and when they realize that. they want make things right. they regret what they did and what to try and make up for what they did.

Answer 23

"You made the choice to give the child up ."

-that's a major flaw in your argument.  not all women "made the choice", yet, many had the choice made for them.

i think searching as long as there is no threat of violence or harm (no matter who initates it) is appropriate. now whether or not a relationship evolves, is up to the people involved

sorry you can't understand the power of a mother's love to find a child she carried in her body and gave birth to...

do you have any children? my magic 8-ball says, "not likely."

Answer 24

Until you search, you don't know...

She should respect your wishes once you've expressed them.  

The adoptee may not want anything to do with their mother.  But they may.  Are you so insecure that a contact, at which point you express your desire to be left alone, is so upsetting?  

I'm an adoptee.  And I would have LOVED to have my mom find me earlier than I searched.  But she was discouraged from doing so.  It's a shame we lost more time because of that.

Answer 25

youre right... if you are an adult and you want to be left alone then you should have that right. however, i think that you should have her current contact information JUST IN CASE you get curious one day. but if i were you then i would tell her that youre gonna call her when YOU are ready, and until then she needs to respect that, no matter how much she may be "hurting."

Answer 26

As a birth mother, I waited until my son was a man.  He was overjoyed to find me.  I recently helped him through the deaths of his mother and father, and I'm glad I could be there for him.

Until you have had a child of your own, you'll never understand the depth of the pain.  I do think that the mother should wait until the child is an adult...at least 30.

Answer 27

You registered today.  Sigh.

My mother had no choice--most didn't.  

Why not find your mother and ask her yourself.

Answer 28

Because often decisions to give a child up are made quickly and due to pressure by parents/partner/society/friends.

I can't answer the question full as I've never been in that situation.