Why did he have to join the Army?!?

Question

First off let me just say that I didn't marry a military man. I married him before he was military. We have been married for 8 years. We have 2 kids, 6 yrs and 18 months. He joined Army reserve in 2003, he was deployed in 2006. He came back October 2007. We survived the deployement and all, but when he got back he decided to go active duty. I was really agianst this. I still am. As soon as he had come back our money started to run out. It wasnt long before he was working at a dead end job. He wanted education, health care, and all that stuff to take care of our family. He decided going active duty was the answer. I was reluctant to let him join active duty. But thinking about our kids and our well being, I agreed and he joined. Now, we have moved to Ft Drum and I effin hate it here. Im so miserable and he knows this. I dont want to go back home to Texas because I do love him and want to be with him. In a way I resent him for doing this. It took him a while to convince me to let him go active. Also, I fear other deployements. I miss my home and family terrible. Im miserable here and Im not looking forward to the bad snow!! Please help!! It's come to the point where I can't sleep, or leave this apt. Im getting really depressed here. I have come to hate the Army and all the stupid things they make soldiers do. Also it seems like the Army likes for families to get involved with c**p and Im just a very introverted person. I hate having to talk to ppl, Im really shy and Im bad at making friends because of this. Im so lonely here my son will start school here soon and my baby girl isn't old enough to carry on a conversation. My husband is being a little insensitive about this and tells me to get over it and that home will still be there at the end of his contract. He tries to help me, but says he doesnt know how...

Answer 1

Hey try thinking about someone OTHER than yourself? Obviously he doesn't have the opportunity to do anything but dead end jobs back in that small town in your great state of TX, and now your financially secure with health benefits. Ever try looking for a job yourself? He is serving his AND your country, providing for his family, and doing something he is proud to say he does....and all you can do it complain about missing your mommy and daddy. Here is a great idea, why not complain enough that he leaves the Army, your family moves back to TX so YOU can be with mommy and daddy, and starts working another dead end job so you can worry about how you can pay rent and feed the kids. And all the meanwhile you can sit at home, not work, and complain about how your once again poor. Pull your head out of your ***, buy a winter coat, deal with it for your kids and stop riding his ***. It's wives like you that make deployments and military life so complicated for their spouses. STOP bitching and be happy with what you have!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Answer 2

I hate to be rude, but from one Army wife to another, get over it.

At first, I was not thrilled about the FRG meetings, deployments, frequent company events, constant moves, endless training cycles, etc. either, but I got over it.  Think about what is important. Your family, your marriage, and your husband.  We ALL have to make the best of our lives, regardless of our situations.  I would have LOVED to be upset and pissed off when I was completely alone completely across the country for the last 6 months of my pregnancy.  I would have really liked to complain about being a new mom all alone.  I would certainly like to have some extra help around the house.  But, the life I chose placed my husband away from me for some periods when I'd rather be with him.  That's all.  It's not like he joined the Army to get away from you.

Get up, get out of bed, go meet people, get a job, do something.

Stop feeling sorry for yourself.

Do you think we ALL dont miss our families, our home towns, our friends?  We do.  I'm sure if you even find one other wife that you can relate to, it will make it so much easier.  You (we) are all going through this.  

You're stronger than this.  It takes a strong woman to be the wife of a service member. Be her.

Answer 3

I understand that it is hard to move away from where you grew up.  But your husband is doing the best he can for his family, and you should respect him for that.  You need to start going outside and do things you like. You will meet others that have the same interests as you and you won't be so lonely.  It will be helpful if you make friends because chances are your husband WILL deploy.  You will want to have friends close by when he is gone.  It is easy just to say " i hate it here" and sit in your apartment all day.  Trust me, this will not do any good!  Get a part time job, take a class at the local community college, head to the tennis courts.  You will meet people who are in similar situations.  You are going to just have to get used to this new lifestyle and roll with it.  Once you stop fighting it and actually commit to enjoying yourself, you will.  There are a lot of good things about the military, just open your eyes!  Things will get better just give it time and DON'T stay in the house!!!  :)

Answer 4

Sorry to hear of your troubles.  Although some answers are good, some are just horrible.

Although I think Ft Drum sucks, the one thing many military families dont do is take advantage of the things around you.  You sound like my wife, very family oriented and have to visit family members often.  I have gone through the same thing with my wife.  She didnt like us living in Europe for 7 years.  But she likes to travel.  So thats what we did.  Ft Drum is not that far from Niagra Falls, have you been there yet?  Visit the big cities and the Great Lakes.  Try to find something that gets you away from base as a family.

What do you like to do on your free time?  Whatever that is, you should visit the Army Community Service Center (ACS).  There is loads of information here about local and base activities, trips, events, and so on.  There is plenty of things to do.  Find extra hobbies or take some college classes.

Try to take a small vacation.  Go back to Texas for 2-3 weeks and stay with family.  Encourage your husband to join you.  My wife is always better after a short trip back home to visit her family.  

Answer 5

I can understand why you would feel this way. I would probably feel the same way.

But remember he went active so he could support you and your children. Trust me take it from a guy who HATES being away from his woman. Your husband does not want to be away from you. Nor does he enjoy seeing you suffer. He seems insensitive because he is trying to cope with it as well. He probably misses home too.

Things will get better.

My soon to be wife dont like being around people either. When I deploy I am sending her to be with her family.

Air Force would have been the best option but it's VERY hard to get into the AF once you have prior service.

Remember you husband is only trying to take care of you and your kids and he loves you all very much.

Answer 6

I can totally see why you are frustrated with his choice. I agree the military isn't for everyone, especially the wives involved. I also have to say this is the same reason my fiance's wife ran away during their marriage. My fiance got married at a young age (19). After they got married, he signed up to be in the navy. While he was a boot camp, she found out she was pregnant. He thought it was a good idea he joined because now he would be able to support his family. She ended up having a miscarriage though so that put some strain on it. She was a homebody and hated being 800 miles from home. He told her to go home and visit her family and she just never came back.

This is one of the major reasons for divorce among military personnel. The women (sometimes men too) not being able to cope with their spouses job. Basically your husband is trying his hardest to support his family. He saw that his previous job was bringing him no where in life so he wanted to do the best for you and your children. I agree it is tough, I didn't choose to have my dad in the military. I hated that I didn't have a say in moving every 4 years, I hated that my dad was gone a good part of my childhood. But looking back on it, I had a pretty d**n good childhood. I always got everything I wanted, heck I still do. When I turned 16, I got a brand new car, I always had the nicest clothes, always had my nails done, always got to rent limos for parties and buy really expensive dresses and shoes for a single occasion. I sacrificed a lot of growing up and having a hometown but I also realized that my dad sacrificed my childhood so that he would be able to support his family.

All branches, not just Army, like to have get togethers. I have moderate-severe social anxiety and hate being placed in new situations but its going to happen and I know I have to suck it up. You would think that because I grew up military I wouldn't have a problem making friends, well I suck at it. I hate talking to new people, especially women. I have never really gotten along with women so I am dreading the day we get sent to a new duty station and I have to go and put myself out there to make friends. Eventually it will happen. In the meantime, I'm just glad we have our dog. He's one constant for the next 14 years or so since he's only 8 months now.

Answer 7

The first thing to do is call the base mental health office and/or look on the Tricare site to find a Tricare affiliate therapist.  You are depressed..and understandably so.  Your life has undergond a major change, one you were not thrilled with going into it.  You have been moved away from your family, to an area that is not only culturally different but with a huge difference in climate.  And Drum is not exactly a major metropolitin area, unlike San Anotonio!  A therapist can help you by giving you the support you need to adjust to the transition or, if that is not happening, to figure out other options and how to go about accessing them.

Next, call the family support office and find out about play groups.  These will give you a way to meet other Mom's with young kids.  Also, once school starts, contact the parent-teacher group at the school and ask what you can do to help.  Even if you help set up tables for a book sale or help young students find class rooms the first few days, it is going to get you out, moving and meeting people.  The friends you make in the military can never replace your family, but they can certainly become part of it.  Most spouses have had the same feelings you are having, no matter if we married into the military or the military came along later.  It may be hard to do, but believe me when I say, having friends..on and/or off base...will be a huge help.  Other ideas..a part time job (if that can work with your husband's schedule or you are ok with looking for daycare), the enlisted spouse's club on base, becoming active at the chapel or a local church, story time at the local library...all places you can meet other mom's and people.

As for your husband, while it is not unheard of for a husband to be insensitive to a spouse, it may be that he is unsure of what to do to help you through all this and is feeling guilty for putting you in a position that you clearly are unhappy in.  He made a choice based on wanting the best for his family and while in many ways, this provided better options than what had come before, it is probably clear to him that it has not been the best choice emotionally for you.  Or, he could simply feel that if he has to suck it up, so do you.  Either way, the only way to get him to understand is to talk..and again the therapist can be helpful here (or a chaplin if you prefer).

I married military and while I had already moved away from my family, I did not have an easy adjustment to the military life, especially when we got orders overseas right before our daughter's first birthday.  It took time, work on both of our parts and support from a therapist as well as a concentrated effort to get out and meet people, but I ended up loving my military life.  We have been married 15 years, two years left til retirment and it has been a great, but never easy, life.  Please drop me an email if you need to talk...

Answer 8

Well first off, it is going to take time to get accustom to Army life.  Although you personally are not in the military, you're a big part of it.  Your actions greatly affect how your husband behaves at work.  I agree, Ft Drum is not the coolest base on Earth, but it's definitely not the worst.  Keep in mind you won't be there forever.

You don't have to participate in all the Family Readiness Group meeting if you don't want to.  My wife never went to a single one.  Although, it may be a good thing to visit so you can meet others in your position.  Will he get deployed again? Most likely. Will it be horrible? Only if you let it be.  I would recommend you meet some of the other spouses and befriend a couple.  It never hurts to have someone to talk to.

Also, he's done a great thing making this move.  He's provided excellent benefits and good pay for you and your kids.  For everyone involved, try to be a little more supportive of him.  You did, after all, agree for him to go active duty.

Answer 9

Ok, let me ask you this, why don't you work? Is it cause of the children and childcare would cost too much? Well here's an idea for you, get an education or acquire a skill that will help your husband support you and your children so one day he can get out. How can you resent him when he's taking care of the FOUR of you?  You think that he enjoys deployments and being away while his children grow up without him there? No he doesn't but he does it to take care of your ungrateful self.  Instead of resenting him why don't you go out of your way to please him since he is such a wonderful husband? Tell him you appreciate the sacrifice that he has made for his family. You got it easy sitting at home while he was down range risking his life to ensure that his family would always enjoy the freedoms that they are used to.  And on another note I was stationed there for a short time and it's not that bad. You need to stop complaining about what you think that you are going without.  

Answer 10

I'm sorry you are going through all this.

You have to remember that he is doing what he thinks is best for your family in the future. Maybe not right now, but you have to think long-term.

The new GI Bill that goes into effect next year is AMAZING. He is going to get 3 years of his education paid for, and a basic housing allowance, the amount depending on where you live.

If you are getting depressed, your best bet is to seek help for yourself. Get involved in something you like, exercise, ride a bike, anything. It will all be ok. Good luck. Just remember the future, you will definitely see the benefits.

Answer 11

also think of this, if he continues to stay in the military he can eventually retire and collect retirement benefits and get a civilian job. Essentially he'll be getting two pay checks to support your family. I cant imagine how hard it must be for you but im sure your husband is only doing what he can to support you and your kids.  

Answer 12

When you've stopped whining, put your big girl panties on and deal with it or leave. One thing our military men and women do not need is a sniveling spouse whining about her life. Good God woman, don't you realize that there are thousands of men and women who have VOLUNTEERED to serve their country, are tens of thousands of miles away from their loved ones. Enduring 130 degree heat, working on two hours, If that, of sleep. Not knowing if the next car they walk by is going to blow up. Go tell the doctor you are depressed, get some meds, get some counseling and get over it. What is wrong with you people? I lost my right leg and arm and half my chest in Vietnam. I take more pain pills in one dose than most of you take in a year. And I don't regret it one tiny bit. I'd go back right now if I could.