Why did my biological daughter stop all contact with me?

Question

I gave up my daughter at birth in 1966, when it was unheard of to be pregnant. I found her when she was a teenager, than when she was 30 we were reunited, we had written letters, phone calls, etc., she met me and her two half sisters when she was 30. Than she came up for weekends and vacations, she brought her adoptive mom once, never telling anyone who I really was. She told her mom we were just friends.Her a-mom never told her she was adopted. Than her mom, dad and her moved 600 miles to live in the same town as I do. I helped them move. We have seen each other often, dinners, etc., they love my mother who does not know I had a baby, now all contact stopped abruptly with me, my daughters, etc., I have asked why and never received an answer. I know her a-mom was diagnosed with stomach cancer and I don't know if that has caused guilt on my daughters part and she thought she shoul stop all contact, we had a good relationship than nothing. I am so heartbroken, what do you think?

Answer 1

Maybe she's trying to spend as much time with her a-mom now with the cancer going on and she hasn't had time to get back to you. Keep your hopes up, it never hurts to have them.

Answer 2

These are the kinds of things that happens when everyone keeps secrets from each other. She might have gotten tired of everybody hiding everything, and there being a big elephant in the room. Why don't ya'll all try to tell the truth. Then maybe ya'll can have a relationship.

Answer 3

she may just be really worried about the cancer and is totally focused on that. especially if she's hospitalized.

Answer 4

She is probably feeling guilty about finding you, now that her amom is ill. Write her a note, saying you will always be there for her when she wants to come back, asure her that you understand what she is going through and that you love her.

Answer 5

Maybe she is going through a hard time dealing with the fact that the mother who raised her all of her life has stomach cancer.  Maybe her time is consumed with that.  I wouldn't take it to offense.  You weren't around for her like her adoptive mother was and she may be clinging to what she has left with her.  Just keep trying to stay in touch.  Let her know that you are there for her if she needs you, but don't be overly pushy.

Answer 6

Depending, Is she still living in the same town?? Did you bring the Adopt mom flowers or anything when she got diagnosed with cancer?? If not maybe she is hurt by that. And thinks you dont care! I would do something to show you do care and want a relationship with your daughter....take her and her AD mom some flowers and candy!!  Show that you want to be in her life and this is bothering you!!! Becasue if you dont let them know you care or that you are still existing they might let it go and you may not hear or see from her anymore. We only get a shot at life one time. Walk out that door and show her that you Love + Care for her and that you are here for her in bad times and good!!! I am here if you ever wanna talk. I had my lil Girl at 13 and now iam 25. I can only imagine what you went through and all the years you sat up thinking and crying!!! Take Care + I pray you both get back to seeing and talking to each other! God Bless!!

Answer 7

The adults in her life have kept secrets -- you, and her adoptive mother.   Those were decisions her two adult mothers made.  Now, she, as an adult, has made a decision.  She needs space.  Honor her adoptive mother.  Honor yourself.  Honor her.  Give it to her with grace and love.

Answer 8

The thing that came to my mind was that she's overwhelmed with her mom's condition. I would imagine it consumes her every waking moment and some people don't know how to tell people that they are going through a rough time. I have a friend who cut off all contact with everyone because her life became so hectic and there was nothing good to say, she was having a really rough time, and she was embarressed and just fell off the face of the earth until things got better. It took almost 2 years. Just stay postive. Send some nice notes and pictures, don't ask for anything, and hope for the best.

Best wishes.

Answer 9

Maybe send her something " I'm here for you if you need me."

If/when she wants the relationship with you she'll come around. Don't get into a long complicated letter about "your" feelings although I'm sure your hurting. Just drop that one sentance in the mail and give it to God

Answer 10

My goodness, how sefish are you?  Her mother has cancer, naturally that is where she needs to be right now.

And do you really think it was a good idea for you and her parents to lie about the adoption that way?  It sounds like your family and your daughters family need to have a good chat.

Answer 11

In addition to being overwhelmed by her adoptive mom's condition, she may be feeling guilty about keeping your relationship a secret. I'm sure that's been hard over the years - especially since you all know each other so well. She might be feeling like she SHOULD tell, but may never get the chance to be "ready''. Continue to love her, and like Kimba... just let them both know that youre there for them.

Answer 12

Are you sure it's about you?  Perhaps your daughter has so much going on in her life right now that she simply doesn't have time.   My best friend and I used to go out to lunch once a month - just the two of us to catch up on things.  It was girls time.  But when her mom was diagnosed with cancer, she just didn't have time to do the lunches.  Phone calls became shorter and it seemed like we were growing apart.  She called me one day in tears because she felt so guilty for not returning my calls but she was spending all of her time with her mom.  I simply listened and told her if she needed help with anything, just to call but that I would understand if she needed time to herself.  

So for me, rather than calling her on the phone and making her feel like she had to take time to talk, I would send her a funny card to cheer her up once a week or so.  I would include a teabag in the card and tell her that she needed to take time for herself and have a cup of tea once the kids went to bed - and that by using the teabag that I sent - we'd be sharing a cup together.  

One day I visited my friend's mom in the hospital.  While I was there, her mom told me to sit down - she had to talk to me.  She then told me that she wanted me to know how much she appreciated my friendship to her daughter during the last few months.  I was confused about that.  She said that she knew it had been difficult on her daughter but when they would be in the doctor's offices, etc., my friend would always tell her mom about the cards I sent and they would reminisce about when we were kids and the trouble we would get into.  I never knew how special those cards were until that day.  We may not have been having our monthly lunches or our weekly phone conversations, but we were still close in thought.  

My friend's mom has since passed, and now it is my family who is struggling with some medical issues.  My heart smiled the day I received my first "funny" card in the mail with a teabag.  It's no wonder we are best friends!  

So I guess the point of my story is that sometimes life deals us situations where we aren't able to stay in constant communication with those we care about the most - but it doesn't mean that we have forgotten or that we don't care.  Give her time and see what happens.

Answer 13

My thoughts are the same as some others here - perhaps she is overwhelmed with what's happening in her life right now - and she just had to pull away from you.

Adoptees are so often caught in between two families - and sometimes they have to pick one over the other.

Usually it's not personal. Hopefully she'll resume contact sometime - and she'll let you know what's been going on.

She's probably doing what she can to get through a rough time.

Send her notes/emails/letters every now and then - keep up your side of communication - just don't expect too much from her - and hopefully she'll come around.

My a-mum died of cancer when I was 18 - and it was such a traumatic time in my life. (I don't even remember many months of the time - my grief was so great)

I think - personal opinion - adoptees suffer even more when a loved one dies - as they have felt loss from a very very young age (when separation from mother first occurred) - and later losses become a trigger to that loss - compounding it somewhat.

If you had a good relationship - she should come around.

Let her know you will be there when she needs you - and don't pressure her.

I wish you all the very best.

Answer 14

her a mom told her the truth.

Answer 15

I feel it could be the cancer stuff

give her space even though

your heart broken

be there to her when she is ready

pushing her could upset her more

Answer 16

if her adopted mother is ill, prehaps she is very busy caring and dealing with that. Stomach cancer is very painful

Answer 17

sometimes people can think you want too much from them even if you dont...but its the way she could be feeling..with her adopted mother now dying..she may be having a hard time knowing she has you but yet is losing the one person she had when she was growing up..although it is hard on you..i can kinda see her point..my birth father has done this to me...and i have to say it hurt my feelings to no end...i wanted nothing from him other than to know him...call him every now and then ..talk to him..i didnt have him for years he is well into his 70s and has cancer...my brother which is also his had his wife call his granddaughter she started asking about his inheritance..and i feel because of that...the family circled the wagons so to speak..and we are outsiders..i have never met that brother because he is in prison in another state..which is why his wife called the granddaughter...my point being sometimes its for self preservation....and it does hurt