Why do ALL the "why do cheaters cheat" articles fail to consider that the person just found a deeper love?

Question

You get to your late 20s, early 30s perhaps, and you haven't found your soulmate - but you've found someone supportive, basically nice, normal, familiar and safe.

You settle. There are few, or no, sparks, but you settle. He or she doesn't make you feel weightless, but you're getting older, the clock is ticking, the rest of your life is basically in order - job, etc... and you want to start a family.

So you give up on finding the soul mate.

Then you meet him or her.

Do you owe it to someone whom you know is not the love of your life to .... lie to him or her, to continue to tell them they are?

If you're not happy, can he or she be, in the long run?

And why, every time a magazine or on-line outlet puts out an article about "why cheaters cheat" do they center around the person's flaws, insecurities or the marriage itself? Why do they condescend? Why don't any of them ascribe any real meaning to the affair? Why do they assume it is lust, not love?

Once we admit that many people do settle, and we admit that soul mates exist, then it has to be that some people settle before meeting their soul mates.

Is it that the articles are read mainly by aggrieved parties and they need an explanation with them at the center, and that strokes their ego?

Answer 1

They're condemned because of the actual adultery.  If you are in a committed relationship, you have to break that off BEFORE you go sleeping with someone else.  Duh.

Answer 2

If kids are involved then it's more than just you and your wife's feeling you have to consider. Divorces hurt kids the worst after all. And if the child(ren) find out, when they're  the divorce happened because of an affair then they may hold deep resentment towards the cheating parent.

As far as soul mates go you have a good point. Of course relationships are always nice during the "honeymoon" stage but it could end up being the same non-ideal relationship the cheating partner left after a few years go by. A lot of the time the grass looks greener on the other side.

About the tabloids and gossip mags centralizing on the victims. It's the victims that are going to buy the magazine. Happy people don't care about how happy other people are as much as sad people like hearing that they're not alone. Nuff said.

Answer 3

Kind of stupid that if you can't keep one promise, what makes anyone think the second one will be just as easier?  Usually, the way one person leaves a relationship is how they will enter the other.

People become either selfish or impatient when it comes to relationships, usually the former.  That's why divorce rates are so high.

Answer 4

Cheating is a choice

Love is a choice

Respect is a choice

Loyalty is a choice

Good manners are a choice

Honesty is a choice

Carrying an umbrella in the rain is a choice

saying your wedding vows, saying I do and meaning it are choices

A long time ago, people who were not respectful, got stoned to death

And now look at Rome, and the USA both countries in turmoil.

Soulmates?

Fairy tales?

Destiny?

Fantasy Land?

Mature, decisions, based on rational thought, are made usually healthy adults

Lustfull, irrational behavior, that causes termoil, and hurt are made by unhealthy people who are very shallow

And though your question/statement is well thought out, but it doesn't justify marriage, having children, and breaking up a family for ones lustfull selfish desires.

People should accept their responsibilities and work towards at making our world a better place, not looking for acceptance for wrong and hurtfull behavior

Answer 5

  I think that a person can fall out of love with their spouse or fall in love with someone else and find "their soulmate".However I also believe that they owe their spouse enough respect to leave first before they become intimate with anyone.Yes you can meet a coworker,a friends sibling or whatever and spend alot of time with that person (innocent time) and be attracted to them or even fall in love with them.However do the right thing and break it off with your spouse before persuing (sp?) another relationship.Because you never know you may not be in love with your spouse but they could be head over heels in love with you.

Answer 6

I believe most of the people that write these articles have no personal experience in the matter and just judge people having affairs by the majority of what society believes is "right or wrong". If your having an affair without the spouse knowing isn't it more that your trying to spare their feelings by not telling them after all anyone that has been in a long term relationship does have feelings for their spouse even if it is just loving them as a human being. And who in this world can say they have no insecurities at all. We all have our hang ups. More than anything I do believe your right. I settled when I married my spouse and we lived like roommates for many years. And I did love him as a person and would never have wanted to hurt him. But the love you feel when you are in love wasn't there. There was alot missing. No support, hardly any communication, and no affection. And I know love is not s*x. But just the casual touch of an arm or anything was not there unless I initiated it. My husband has since passed and he never knew of the affair to my knowledge. When I first started the affair I thought it was for the intimacy but after a few months I realized it was so much more than that. I did fall in love with the person I was having an affair with. But in the end I did the right thing and ended it. He was already taken and I know he loved me but the thought of losing everything material he worked for and dissappointing everyone close to him I think was to much for him to handle. The worst part is I'm still very much in love with him but I feel that all that he worries about are trivial things and being with someone you love is much more important. I hear alot of people say you should stay for the kids and to me that is just wrong. Why would you want your kids to grow up thinking that love was not all it could be? Or settling themselves for something less than what feels perfect in everyway?

Answer 7

Cause cheating is a bad thing and people don't like to think good things come from it. I think if you do find someone else you truely love you should be respectful enough to tell the person you're with but most people don't cause it isn't love most of the time.

Answer 8

Because its f*cked up they wouldn't mind breaking that persons heart, good enough? It is for me.

Edit: So you are saying cheating is alright if its your "soul mate"? But if I went out and screwed a couple of prostitutes behind her back it would be wrong? Sounds like you just created a double standard.

Answer 9

I assume from looking at the soapbox you're on, you've recently been in this very situation.

I can assure you, you haven't found your "soulmate". You've found a crush. If there really are no sparks in the relationship you're in now, you owe it to that person to either offer to fix it or offer to leave.

Cheating is not an option, nor an excuse.  

Answer 10

Because people who have been cheated on are really touchy unrealistic SOB's who never get over the "betrayal". They focus only on their feelings and don't realize that cheating is so totally not about them. Yes, the "cheater" is being sorta selfish but sometimes they (we) really want to NOT hurt our partner's feelings. Sometimes we're just confused or afraid to step out of a relationship that is a sure thing. Pay them no mind.

Answer 11

Because not all cheaters do "settle" and then find a "soul mate". Plenty think they have a soul mate and then they go and find another one, or just a quick shag, there are all sorts of situations. The one you are mentioning is relatively rare and honestly I think the cheater in this situation is an idiot, first for settling if they wanted more, and secondly for cheating instead of just breaking up.

Harriet